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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to split our Christmas into 4 because of our family situation?

318 replies

Nomoremilk · 15/09/2019 14:28

It may be early but our mums arrange Christmas in September, sigh.
In our house we have 3 DC under 4, and me and my husband.
Both our parents divorced and aren't very friendly, all have partners.
Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish. We don't want them all here together because even if they agreed to be friendly there would be an atmosphere for sure.
My mum has invited us to go to her house this year, but mil has been protesting that we will need to fit them in at some point.
Aibu to just sod it and go to one house? It's so much arsing getting 3 toddlers in and out of the car, they want to play and we don't get to relax. I don't see why we should stay at our house either and be hosts to 4 lots. I just want to go to someone's house and have dinner and relax.
Im definitely happy to see people christmas eve and boxing day and break it up a bit that way but apparently it just HAS to be Christmas day.
Before we had kids nobody cared!

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/09/2019 18:49

Let them call you selfish and shrug your shoulders....Your lively lovely toddlers are this age for such a very short time. Surely you are entitled to start making your own family traditions.
Let them moan.
We gave in to all of them for years and now I just wish I'd put my foot down and said Christmas day is ours.
Get them used to the idea of a "festive season." they can have any day except Christmas day, because that is yours.. It really doesn't matter if they see you on Boxing Day and your kids have several Christmases all at once.
They are being childish. They got to enjoy their own children's Christmasses. It's your turn now.
So what if they complain.. what is the worst that can happen.

Busy77 · 16/09/2019 18:50

I'd go on holiday for Christmas and see none of them!

ChilledBee · 16/09/2019 18:50

I'd do it at yours. One sitting. Those who care enough about the kids to put their grievances would be welcome.

Kahil · 16/09/2019 19:02

We are in a very similar situation to you OP. 2 sets of divorced parents that are frostier than lapland!
From the minute we had DC1, we set the rule that christmas day was spent at home with just us (now 4). It wasn't overly well received but we stood our ground and it's now accepted that we have our day as a family so the children get to enjoy their toys and not get told off by MIL for 'touching' her precious trinkets that litter her house... Hmm and we visit everyone else around that.
Hope you get to relax and enjoy yourself this year OP x

FelicisNox · 16/09/2019 19:05

OMG.. I've heard it all now.

You're not being selfish but you are being spineless. It's YOUR life and it doesn't matter what others think. They bully you because they can get away with it.

You're also being lazy... relaxing dinner at someone else's indeed. No wonder you don't want to sort it out. You're worried you'll lose your easy ride.

Pick a side and stick to it.

Kitkatbar2018 · 16/09/2019 19:17

You can split the 4 sets into two so insist that you can see mother and partner with father in law and partner and then the other two sets at a different time together. You get to halve the problem and two mothers not together as well as two fathers!! (Cuts potential competition!)

Kitkatbar2018 · 16/09/2019 19:19

Ignore me - already suggested by another!

user1472151176 · 16/09/2019 19:23

We are firmly a stay at home family. Since my children have been born, we always stated Christmas would be at our home and people can join us if they want to. Both our parents are still together but messing around Christmas day jumping from one house to the next is exhausting, especially with presents in tow and father Christmas presents. Don't let them guilt you. You should be able to enjoy your Christmas too and your children.

Saharafordessert · 16/09/2019 19:39

You need to toughen up and do what’s right for your IMMEDIATE family.

Lollypop701 · 16/09/2019 19:41

I’ve not read full thread so apologies if I’m repeating... but what about YOUR tears and YOUR dc tears at having to drag yourselves around..... do your tears not count? Yanbu

Mikki69 · 16/09/2019 19:58

Wow! Sounds like MIL is a manipulative drama queen! Ignore it! Spend Christmas Day with the ones that matter the most....your husband and kids!!

clairedelalune · 16/09/2019 20:12

I haven't read through it all, but I would be calling them up on it if called selfish. I bend over backwards, quite happily, for my family, but I would be calling them selfish for thinking it reasonable to drag children to 4 separate locations on Christmas day when surely they want to be at home playing with new toys.
I would offer the following options all including you, dh and dc not leaving your house
1 they all come together to yours for meal (or drinks and nibbles later) grow up and get on for the day
2 they accept seeing on no visit Christmas day and are drawn out of hat for Christmas eve and boxing day

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 16/09/2019 20:17

Did they trot about to 4 places on Christmas Day when you were kids? I bet they stayed home!

Do what you want to. Personally we stay home and anyone is welcome but any combination of home/alternating etc has to be better than this!

Stilsmiling · 16/09/2019 20:37

You are not going to please them all, you will never be able to spend enough time at each house on Christmas Day to content each one of them, you will annoy your kids by bringing them to four houses and rather than them relaxing while playing with their new toys they will likely have to answer the same questions from the grandparents four times.
So, do you upset your kids or the adults? I would suggest to the adults that unless they all divided Christmas over four houses when you/DH and any siblings were toddlers then they cannot expect your kids to be deprived of the magic of Christmas in their own house. It can be lovely to relax with family but not if there’s a limited time and four houses to visit.

goose1964 · 16/09/2019 20:40

I suggest that you watch Four Christmases, and then stay at home.

floofyhouse · 16/09/2019 20:40

We are ruthless about not going anywhere on Christmas Day. It's helped by the fact that when I was a kid, my Dad also insisted that Christmas Day was for the immediate family, and we always had Christmas lunch at home. Aunties and grandparents were welcome to call in, but we stayed put. So I follow the same rule, and grandparents are welcome to come to us if they want to see the kids on Christmas Day. I want my kids' memories of Christmas to be of their own home and family. It will be hard, but your extended family will probably come to terms with it (maybe after some fuss) if you lay down some boundaries. Good luck!

Smileyk · 16/09/2019 20:45

When we had children we made it clear that we stay home for Christmas. A few times we've had family over but whilst nice, it's just not the same. So Christmas day is for us. Boxing day is Christmas part 2, morning and lunch with inlaws then late afternoon into evening with my sister. We love it and Christmas lasts that bit longer. There was never a debate as we were firm. Dh hated being dragged around to the relies on Christmas day when he was little and not able to play with his toys.

pwooders · 16/09/2019 21:04

I feel for you! We have a large and segregated family to navigate around at Christmas, and the politics can be a total nightmare. We stopped trying to fit them all in on one day years ago - we now do an extended Christmas and spend time with all parts of the family during the week around Christmas day. Everyone gets to spend proper quality time together rather than being rushed and DS gets longer to just play with new toys etc. It's hard to break an established habit but once it's done, it's done. Try and make it sound like it's better for them as well as you, but stick to your guns. Good luck!

kenandbarbie · 16/09/2019 21:05

That sounds so exhausting and childish! We do alternate christmases one of the years is our house. I would have thought the priority should be way is most enjoyable for the children to create their own memories. Which is probably staying in their own home playing with their new toys.

Holyshitbags · 16/09/2019 21:11

Make your choice now and stick to it.
Once they’ve got used to the idea they may have a bit of a whine occasionally but it’ll be accepted.
We decided years ago that we wanted to stay home for the kids - we told family we were happy if they wanted to come to us but we wouldn’t be going out - Xmas is for kids and they want to play with the toys they’ve got for Xmas.
That was 7 years ago now and sometimes they try to get us to change our minds but we never do.
We will see important people xmas eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day. It basically means that we have three lovely days with different members of the family instead of one rushed crammed one!

Gillian1980 · 16/09/2019 21:15

Since we had kids we stay at home for Christmas. Family visits are around Christmas, I’m not willing to spend Christmas Day dragging kids from place to place.

Enjoy the day at home, see 2 sets on Christmas Eve and 2 sets on Boxing Day.

Angelil · 16/09/2019 21:16

Rotate year on year. Lots of us living abroad have to do this. My parents had my son's first Christmas last year. The inlaws will see him for Christmas this year. We're contending with 3 different countries so that's just how it has to be.

Gogreen · 16/09/2019 21:24

Madness! Utter madness! It’s xmas day...and you have children..who I assume would rather be at home playing with their new toys than be carted around in a car here there and everywhere.

I wouldn’t do it, not a chance, I want my kids to spend it at home and build memories there...not everywhere else!

So what if your selfish...and don’t fall for emotional blackmail...that’s your job (and your partners) you know...to take the awkwardness on the chin for your families sake and better interests...part of being a parent really.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 16/09/2019 21:35

I think a lot of people are ignoring the fact that you want to go to someone's house but just that you don't want to have to go to multiple. If I were you, I'd put my foot down and say that you're not doing it any more and that each year going forward you're going to do it on a rota - one year at your mums, one at your DHs. You can see the other set on Boxing Day or another day and make a nice day of it, invite them to yours and do a little party tea or something.

It sounds awful at the minute OP, you have my sympathy!

MaryShelley1818 · 16/09/2019 21:58

What about what your children would like to do?
I’ve always been happy to visit people and drive around all day Christmas until we had DS. I’ve stayed firm since he was born that Christmas Day is for our little boy to enjoy with his toys and his parents in his own house. Anyone welcome to pop in and will be fed and watered 😊

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