To not want to have to split our Christmas into 4 because of our family situation?

[Nomoremilk]

It may be early but our mums arrange Christmas in September, sigh.
In our house we have 3 DC under 4, and me and my husband.
Both our parents divorced and aren't very friendly, all have partners.
Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish. We don't want them all here together because even if they agreed to be friendly there would be an atmosphere for sure.
My mum has invited us to go to her house this year, but mil has been protesting that we will need to fit them in at some point.
Aibu to just sod it and go to one house? It's so much arsing getting 3 toddlers in and out of the car, they want to play and we don't get to relax. I don't see why we should stay at our house either and be hosts to 4 lots. I just want to go to someone's house and have dinner and relax.
Im definitely happy to see people christmas eve and boxing day and break it up a bit that way but apparently it just HAS to be Christmas day.
Before we had kids nobody cared!

You need to try and break this pattern. Tell all of them that you will be spending Christmas Day on your own as a family. That it's unfair on the children for half their day to be taken up with travelling, fitting everyone in, etc. and that you'd like some time together.

You'll get moans and accusations but be firm.

As a grandparent it doesn't bother me if I don't see the children on Christmas Day. I can see them afterwards for another celebration and to give them their presents. Your parents and in-laws are being selfish.

Is there a way you can split them into halves at all? So one parent from each side so it’s only 2 massive fandangos? We have a similar issue, though it’s not 4 christmasses but I can pretty much always get mum and my ILs in the same place. Tried seeing dad on Christmas Day and not seeing mum. Put it this way, not trying that again.

Stay at home at Christmas for your children's sake. If people can behave pleasantly they can come and visit for a short period. Christmas is for kids.

I would just stay home. With cozy roast in the oven and wearing pyjamas all day.
Passive aggressive bullies can get a psychology book as a xmas gift...

Do something nice with one set of parents on Christmas Eve then go to the other on Boxing Day!! Tell them that they can come over Christmas morning And see kids open there presents and have bacon rolls!! But you just want to stay on your own the rest of Christmas Day!!

I would say that you are having Xmas at home. If you are having lunch at say 1 say they are welcome to pop around at various times after that or can see you Xmas eve / boxing day.

Life’s too short ... do what you want to do not what others expect you to do

Bollocks to that. With my eldest xmases we’re kind of split up like this. However, after a few years we put our foot down and said no more. The selfish card was played. We told everyone that what WAS selfish was for our child to have to be travelling round the county all day instead of enjoying being at home and playing with his presents. We then put times in place for the different relatives to visit and would then spend the rest of Xmas bobbing between places. Time to stop being emotionally blackmailed OP.

@Nomoremilk this could be my life, except my in laws are together but three christmasses and then ILs expect us to go to grandmas and aunties etc. Erm nope. We stay at home, we don't give a shit what they think of us, if they want to see the kids then they come to us at set times so as not to interfere with our day, for instance, my whole family minus my dad and his gf come for breakfast at 19am, then my dad and Gf come for brunch at 11, ILs have to either do breakfast or brunch. At 12.30 I no longer answer the door. I had to do it for my sanity, I had three kids under 5, a teenager and my own fricking life/family to deal with, ain't nobody got time to drive to a million houses visiting people you don't like all year never mind on the one day my kids want to play with the Christmas stuff they actually wanted not the tat that everyone buys just to say they've bought it. But that's a whole other post.

MIL on an emotional blackmail trip shouldn't influence you.
Christmas is for children and family. Close family. Get them to pop over the day before and bring the presents. Enjoy the Christmas Day on your own. Sorted.

Stay home. We used to put ourselves through the wringer trying to visit separated/distant parents when DS1 was tiny & returned to work every new year on our knees. We stay home now & people come to us. Christmas should be about the kids, not accommodating petty adults.

You have to do what is best for you and your family and the GPs have to go along with it. But you do have to make it fair.

Assuming they all live reasonably nearby, I would pick one of the four sets of GPs per year to go to for Christmas dinner, in rotation. So this year on Christmas Day only your husband's mum and her husband get to see you and the kids on the day itself. They will cook a lovely Christmas dinner which you will rock up to at about 4pm, when you have had a nice long day opening presents and playing with your kids in your pajamas, and just about when you will be thinking that a nice roost goose with all the trimmings cooked by someone else sounds just about right. Next year it's your mum's turn to provide this service. The following year your dad's and the following year your DPs dad's.

The other 3 sets of GPs can each have a slot on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day or the 27th, either at yours or theirs depending on what suits you and DH (i.e. whether you are in for a really good meal at theirs if you can be bothered to buckle all the car seats, or would prefer to invite them round for mid-afternoon tea and cake at yours.)

It's not your job to make Christmas perfect for your parents. They all have partners who should be meeting their emotional needs. It's your job to make it special for your kids, and to enjoy these lovely, precious Christmases with little tiny ones yourself!

Have it at your own house with your own kids. And have a great day.

Anyone wants to see you... well, they can visit on Boxing Day

The children should come first. What a miserable Christmas for them to be getting dragged from one house to another. Anyone who can't see this is selfish.

Ugh Christmas. I’d love to say stand your ground but I don’t and I get bullied in to doing what my in-laws want. Essentially it will be down to whether your DP wants to back you up or will cave to his mothers emotional blackmail. Unfortunately, mine has! Good luck, maybe I’ll grow a pair soon

I would arrange to see them a few days before Christmas or after and spend christmas as a close family

Just say you are having Christmas at home and they are welcome (possibly at different times). Alternatively, you could arrange something on Christmas Eve.

Do the stay at home and invite them at different times. Say one lot in the morning and the other in the evening. We always stayed at home for Christmas when the youngsters were children.

Honestly I think you need to tell them it’s not about them. I’m imagining myself as a small child being dragged around different houses and it’s annoying. I can’t stand it as an adult. All that’s going to happen is your children are going to grow up with bad memories of Christmas. Of being dragged away from their new toys and forced to socialise with people. They’ll get to hate it. Stop doing it to them. It’ll only get worse as they get older. I realise children can’t and shouldn’t have everything their own way, but in this case you need to make it about them, not your parents. Your parents are the ones being selfish.

Firm words need to be had with them. Just make an effort to see them all at some me point over the festive period and make sure you take time to do what you want.

Jeeez. Just stay home, let them visit you. Why should your kids be dragged round the countryside.

We've always stayed home and let people drop in and out as they wish.

DS2 was 13 days old on his first Christmas. That was the year we decided we weren’t going anywhere with a newborn and toddler, after we found out that SIL, who was due to host, expected me to hide upstairs all day as I was breast feeding. Like fuck was I spending Christmas Day upstairs in someone else’s house, uncomfortable, not in pjs and trying to establish bf. There were huffs and complaints but we stick to our guns and have had every Christmas at home since. DS2 is autistic so looks like we won’t be going anywhere again at Christmas since he won’t cope. Can’t say I’m gutted about staying home every year!

I have not been “home” for Xmas since I met my hubby 15 yrs ago! I have a similar blended yet bitter from divorce family. It’s been so liberating to just do whatever we want for Xmas every year! I’ve just booked the pub for Xmas day with kids and DH. Can’t wait and really what can anyone say when you tell them? Nothing, because if they want to see the kids then it’s your rules!!!

I was a Forces wife for many years, once i had children I refused to travel on Christmas Day no mattter wether we lived thousands of miles away or just down the road. Never understood how anyone ( or Santa) could give children exciting new toys then tear the children away from them after an hour, bloody cruel. Why would anyone want their childrens childhood memories of Christmas to be travelling here there and bloody everywhere just to please selfish adults

How has it become established "fact," particularly on MN, that 'Christmas is for children?'
Christmas is for everyone!
That said, your parents are all being unreasonable. They can say you're selfish all they like. Ignore.