To not want to have to split our Christmas into 4 because of our family situation?

[Nomoremilk]

It may be early but our mums arrange Christmas in September, sigh.
In our house we have 3 DC under 4, and me and my husband.
Both our parents divorced and aren't very friendly, all have partners.
Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish. We don't want them all here together because even if they agreed to be friendly there would be an atmosphere for sure.
My mum has invited us to go to her house this year, but mil has been protesting that we will need to fit them in at some point.
Aibu to just sod it and go to one house? It's so much arsing getting 3 toddlers in and out of the car, they want to play and we don't get to relax. I don't see why we should stay at our house either and be hosts to 4 lots. I just want to go to someone's house and have dinner and relax.
Im definitely happy to see people christmas eve and boxing day and break it up a bit that way but apparently it just HAS to be Christmas day.
Before we had kids nobody cared!

Tell them all to piss off and stay home and have a lovely meal with your husband and children.

Tell them you'll stagger visits to everyone local throughout the holiday period at your convenience, not theirs, since you're the ones wrangling three small children.

Stand firm.

In your situation I would

A) take up your Mum’s kind offer of lunch. You have 3 preschoolers & younger. Be catered for!

B) Offer MIL the ‘breakfast slot’ from 9-11.

C) Offer father/FIL the opportunity to come for a buffet lunch on Christmas Eve.

D) Lock the doors on Boxing Day!

I hope you can come up with a plan with your husband. Let them cry and stamp their feet ignore it and stick to your guns. My in laws moan and whine every year. They want us to visit on Christmas day, it is a 3hr journey one way, longer with young dc who need toilet breaks and stops. There is nowhere for us to stay (long complicated story) but they then try emotional blackmail about not seeing dc and how many yrs will they have left to see them on Christmas day, fake illnesses, passive aggressive messages etc (you get the picture) we ignore it. We have offered them to come to us, it would be a squeeze but easy to do but they don't want to travel on christmas day. They don't want the hassle or bother but don't mind us having it. We just say no and ignore. They are extraordinarily selfish people anyway.

I had 3 under 4s. And it was understood that we would stay at home on Christmas Day for that very reason. Little ones don't want to unwrap presents and then go and leave it all. You all rush off and then return, knackered, to utter carnage because you didn't have time to clear anything up before you left. You spend the whole day with relatives criticising what your DCs won't eat, how they hold their cutlery, how "so-and-so's" DC is better behaved/further developed than yours. Do the visiting in staggered stages. Explain to the in-laws and the DParents that they get so much stuff that it is too much in one go and it would be much nicer for everyone to stagger it over a few days. Then lock your bloody door and pour a very large glass of something.

Be selfish. Let them cry. They're just trying to manipulate you. Once you've shown you will stand by your decision, the tears will dry up.

I cancelled family on Christmas Day, it's much nicer to potter around at home in pyjamas for the day.

we both had a horrible time with our parents divorcing as teenagers with loads of manipulation from our parents (eerily similar situations) so I always struggle with being able to tell wherher it is me or them in the wrong.

It’s them

And I’d put money on it was them when you were younger too

I never fail to be amazed at how selfishly some separated parents can behave, even after their kids have grown up. My friend is getting married soon, and her mother is trying to guilt-trip her into letting her stepdad give the father-of-the-bride speech. She wants her own dad to do it, but her mother keeps throwing things back in her face ("Remember when your stepdad bought X for you? Remember all those times he drove you to school? He's been more of a dad to you than your biological one...) It doesn't seem to enter her head that she chose to remarry; her daughter never asked for a stepdad, and she shouldn't have to feel guilty for not viewing him as her real father.

If people chose to split up, they have to live with the consequences. It's not their kids' fault. OP, point this out to your parents and in-laws. Don't let them browbeat you.

Fuck 'em. Selfish bastards.

@perfectstorm
Thank you! To be honest, I always think the real irony is that sometime in early November, Dh and I will decide what we will be having for Christmas dinner and we just say to DCs something like ' we are having lamb/beef Wellington /steak and kidney pie/ whatever for Christmas dinner, if you fancy it you're welcome to come, if not or you want to do/go somewhere different, that's fine. We ask them to let us know one way or the other by the first week of December in case we have to order any food specially. I'm always somewhat surprised when they message back and say they are comeinhyhere and why would we think differently?

However, I really don't think things will be different this year and if I'm honest, I'm sort of looking forward to it - my intention is to order food that can just be shoved in the oven, or better still, that we can puck at straight from the fridge. I've cooked dinner on almost 40 Christmas Days and would really appreciate one with as little work for me as possible. Or find a local takeaway and order that!

• do think things will be different

we both had a horrible time with our parents divorcing as teenagers with loads of manipulation from our parents

I'm sorry to hear that, OP, but not surprised. Clearly they're still hanging on to the same manipulative patterns, probably feeling that getting their turn with the kids means you love them best

It's a shame for them if they feel like this, but sadly you'll never win; give them what they want over Christmas and soon there'll be another "competition for attention" and everyone will be expected to dance round once again

Looking on the bright side, at least pleasing yourselves means you can't be accused of picking favourites

we both had a horrible time with our parents divorcing as teenagers with loads of manipulation from our parents (eerily similar situations) so I always struggle with being able to tell wherher it is me or them in the wrong.

OP, imagine doing what they are doing to your own kids when they grow up. Or imagine a friend in this situation asking for advice.

Your parents are behaving horribly badly. And unless and until you push back, assert boundaries, and set new habits, it will continue. They are selfish, they are manipulative and they are not about to change, so just decide what suits your children best, announce that's what is happening, and ignore the histrionics. In a couple of years it will be the new normal and they will have forgotten this was ever gounds for wailing and gnashing of teeth.

I still remember Xmas Day 2014 vividly for all the wrong reasons. It was the first after my parents had split and we spent the day dragging a 4 and 6 year old to 3 different houses - my mums, my dads and dh’s mums. It was bloody awful and stressful.

We swore never again and have had Xmas Day at home every year since.

They all whined and cried and sulked and guilt tripped at first. They got used to it.

I feel for you. It's hard enough with 2 sets of grandparents. Ours live 600 miles apart and we live in the middle. Nobody cared about Christmas Day being on the 25th until it became a game of counting whether the other side got more benefits. Apparently we should give priority to the ones for whom ours are the first grandchildren.

3 DC under 4? Of course you stay at home!

"Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish."
"Had to". No, it didn't have to, it really didn't. This was you and your husband being too nice for your own good, although I can understand that you and he have been manipulated by the four of them since your teens and part of that manipulation has been them training you to put them first.

It's clear from your posts that all four of your parents need to grow the fuck up, and from now on I'd be treating them like toddlers (you have experience ) and be placing them firmly on the naughty step.

So, in my opinion, I would make it clear to all that Christmas is for the children not the adults, and it will be conducted in their own home with their parents and no grandparents. All their moans "about how I'm spoiling it for them" are to be returned with interest about how they have continually spoiled it for YOU and DH, with their moaning and their crying.

I'd be inclined to inform them of your decision by text - the same one to all four. And as I said, treat them like the toddlers they're behaving - all moans and complaints to be ignored, dealt with firmly and CONSISTENTLY by just holding the line that the decision has been made and is not going to change so put a sock in it. If they phone, do not hesitate to inform them that you will hang up if they cry/are abusive, and do so.

I realise this will not be easy for you - they started their manipulation when you were both teenagers, and it's not easy to shake off. Would it help if you dealt with each other's parents rather than your own? Yes I'm sure they'll strongly object ('Put them on, I want to talk to my son/daughter not you!') and feel hard done by, but maybe you're each less susceptible to being manipulated by your ILs as opposed to your parents? You may no be, they might be able to push both your buttons, just thinking aloud for anything that will make it easier for you.

Please, be assured, you are not wrong to want this, you are not selfish, and all four of your parents are total knobs for pushing you around like this. My sympathies.

You could rotate houses each year but then your kids won't have their own family traditions. If they all live near I'd pop into Mils around 10am for an hour, and invite your mum at 6pm but the dad's can wait til boxing day/ the day after.

I am a huge fan if staying at home and welcoming anyone who wants to see you to come for a bit. I think it is much more fun for the dc than being dragged around other houses.

Christmas just sounds so difficult for many, and it shouldn't be.

Decide what you want to do and stick to it. There may some who feel miffed, but what the heck.

Will you all love each other on Boxing Day? Course you will if you are a solid family.

Another vote to stay home. Your Christmas is crap for your kids.

OP ...both you and your dhs parents have one way or another failed you and dh with their lives and relationships. choices ...dont let their demands be the reason your kids feel the same way about you...your christmas your way they dont get a say..end of discussion be firm!

We stay at home. Originally because we had 3 kids close in age then a baby, now because we have 6.

We have an open house. Anyone is welcome to come over, but any atmosphere caused and then next year we have Christmas Day without that person.

It’s amazing how well behaved people are when they realise that that threat was absolutely serious and if anyone had caused an atmosphere they wouldn’t be invited the next year.

Now we don’t actually host as such, all the food drink and cost is split amongst everyone and just happens to be in our house as we have the space.

Also any moans about spoiling it for them can/should be easily rebuffed by pointing out that you are just not allowing it to be spoiled for the kids. They want to play with their presents, not be in the car

My second husband told me that when his kids were about 5 and 3, he spent one Xmas driving them around, and thought “why the hell can’t my CHILDREN enjoy their new toys?”. He and their mum resolved to stay put. Her parents grumbled, but so what?

Grow a pair! Stay put. Have your own Xmas day had announce you’re open house on Boxing Day. Ignore any shit. And tears! Bloody hell - definitely ignore the tears!!

Christmas traditions are great - every family should have the chance to make its own. Decide what you want to do & crack on. People who call you selfish get their invitation revoked, or aren’t invited next year. You’ve been saintly kind to all your parents for long enough now, time to put your family first.

We work on Christmas Eve and back on 27th so we stay at home and everyone is welcome.