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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to split our Christmas into 4 because of our family situation?

318 replies

Nomoremilk · 15/09/2019 14:28

It may be early but our mums arrange Christmas in September, sigh.
In our house we have 3 DC under 4, and me and my husband.
Both our parents divorced and aren't very friendly, all have partners.
Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish. We don't want them all here together because even if they agreed to be friendly there would be an atmosphere for sure.
My mum has invited us to go to her house this year, but mil has been protesting that we will need to fit them in at some point.
Aibu to just sod it and go to one house? It's so much arsing getting 3 toddlers in and out of the car, they want to play and we don't get to relax. I don't see why we should stay at our house either and be hosts to 4 lots. I just want to go to someone's house and have dinner and relax.
Im definitely happy to see people christmas eve and boxing day and break it up a bit that way but apparently it just HAS to be Christmas day.
Before we had kids nobody cared!

OP posts:
Raspberrytruffle · 16/09/2019 22:02

Sod them it's your time to enjoy Christmas with your family! You need to put your foot down and dont open yourself up to negotiation or emotional blackmail. Say Christmas day will be you and your dh and kids and you will see family either Christmas eve or boxing day. Ignore the tantrums that will follow and stand firm

Sleepsoon7 · 16/09/2019 22:14

If you want to go to someone’s house then definitely start a rota and the grandparents will have to fall in line or miss out. If you feel up to it you could have the other sets for drinks Xmas Eve or Boxing Day or even Xmas morning. When you have children you need to start your own traditions. At least with this arising now everyone has a few months to have their tantrums and get used to it!

MummyofTw0 · 16/09/2019 22:15

I bet your kids hate being moved from
House to house

Sod them all,
Just keep it as a day to yourselves x

busyhonestchildcarer · 16/09/2019 22:30

From the moment we had children we made it known that xmas day was for us.We had the day at home just the four of us and it stayed that way.When my children have children I will respect whatever they want to do xmas day

BitterestPill · 16/09/2019 23:06

I hated Christmas as a kid, being at someone else's house, being restricted with what you could play with, having to eat what they wanted. I promised myself that when I had kids we would have some rules, no-one in or out from Xmas eve until the day after boxing day. If we didn't fancy roast dinner for Christmas day...we didn't have to have it! We could wear pyjamas (obviously Christmas ones) all day long. The kids play with their toys, we play board games...we eat what we want when we want, my kids are 16 and 10 now and we wouldn't change a single thing!

expat101 · 16/09/2019 23:18

Stay at home.

EileenAlanna · 17/09/2019 00:20

Have Christmas in your own home for just you, DH & DC. Tell all other family members that this is your Christmas tradition from now on & that you'll see them either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Then switch off phones on the day & barricade the door - they'll all soon get used to the new regime.

Tinkerbelle57 · 17/09/2019 01:17

You and your husband are adults, so stand up to all the parents and tell them what you have decided you are doing on Christmas Day.
Please or offend.
Your family, your decision !!

Too many families have miserable Christmases because of family dictating and sulking because they don’t get their own way.
I have often wanted to shut myself away on Christmas Day away from everyone because of everyone voicing their opinions on what we should be doing Christmas.

It’s ONE day and it has lost all its real meaning anyway.

When I was a child we had some lovely christmases , waking up to Father Christmas’s presents, then breakfast. Mum took us to church and dad prepared dinner. When we came home we’d have presents from under the tree. After dinner we’d play with our presents and we might have visitors at teatime. We never went out anywhere on Christmas Day until we were older. I have fond memories of that time.

Give your children memories of their Christmases.

cockcrowfarm · 17/09/2019 02:03

You have 6 'slots'. Morning or afternoon on Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day. Tell them to book a time in advance.

1forAll74 · 17/09/2019 02:17

Just go to your favourite people,and that's it, never mind about a crying MIL, ha ha. I think that some people just go wacky about Christmas visits, its all too stressful..So no need to feel guilty about your very own decisions about what to do.

FredaFrogspawn · 17/09/2019 02:59

You want to go to your mum’s don’t you. Just do that. You deserve to be spoiled when you have that many young children. Have a good break and enjoy it. No one has a right to claim you and your family for the day.

I divorced when my dc were mid-late teens. I did Christmas in a hotel to break the family traditions so they wouldn’t feel torn. I invited anyone who wanted to come to join us. It was great. The dc all came for the four day package there. My dps joined us there for a meal. His did the same. Exp did the same (one meal - we managed it!).

After that we established that everyone should do just what they want at Christmas and that’s what we all do. I don’t mind if I see dgc that day or not as long as I get to see them whenever it suits us all throughout the year.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 17/09/2019 04:08

YANBU. They are. That is a ridiculous amount of pressure to put on you guys and small children. If they want to see the kids so badly they can learn to be flexible.

As a child my Mums parents were divorced and we also had my Dad's family. We saw Granddad's family on Christmas Eve, had Christmas Day lunch with Grandma's family and either Christmas night or Boxing Day lunch with Dad's family. It worked well. Not so overwhelming as doing it all in one day, plus spread out the food and presents a bit.

cakermum · 17/09/2019 06:18

This! @Busy77

Greyhound22 · 17/09/2019 07:19

Start your own tradition of staying at home now or you'll be doing this until the kids are grown.

How can they not see that trailing round four houses is completely ridiculous for you? I would set up some sort of rotation system - but if they want to see the kids then it's on them to sort themselves out.

Fatshedra · 17/09/2019 07:31

Stay at home and have a family Xmas. Fit the others on other days.

Boobindoop · 17/09/2019 07:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stucknoue · 17/09/2019 07:41

Invite them to your house in shifts, or perhaps the both your mums for lunch, both your dads for tea and an hours gap as no mans land

Fatshedra · 17/09/2019 07:58

The more guests are arriving through the day you can be sure the more time the OP spends in the kitchen making cups of tea or preparing Xmas meals. The OP needs to be with her DCs on their family Xmas not giving extended family a lovely day FGS.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/09/2019 08:04

I would be announcing that from here on in, we are staying at home for Christmas Day. You’re welcome to visit if you can be civil. And not bow down to the emotional blackmail-just say that now the children are getting older, they want to stay home and play with their gifts and it’s not fair on them...and repeat as necessary

Exhaustedpanda · 17/09/2019 09:25

If they want to see the kids I’m sure they can pop in to see them at your house. Why should your kids xmas be ruined by being dragged around all day

exiledfromcornwall · 17/09/2019 09:46

They created the situation by getting divorced (apologies to divorcees, nothing against divorce per se, but these are grown-ups and they have to live with the consequences of their actions, it's part and parcel of being an adult). Agree with others that you should do what's best for the kids.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 17/09/2019 09:53

Sod the lot of them and all the emotional blackmail too.
Have any of them actually stopped to ask what YOU want to do?
If I were in your position I’d be locking my door and Christmas Day and spending it with just DH and DCs.
Arrange to see them on Boxing Day and if that doesn’t suit them say “Too bad, see you in January then”

Cryingwithlaughter91 · 17/09/2019 10:23

Honestly, just stay at home! They can come to you!

I’m absolutely appalled by the pressure some families can put each other under when it comes to these events. It’s just not fair.

I understand that they want to see their grandchildren - but you can’t split yourself into 4. That’s utterly ridiculous. I would ask them around, separately, and explain what it is that YOU want to do. Smile

nonmerci · 17/09/2019 10:25

This is why we stay home every Christmas and always will do.

Cakeorchocolate · 17/09/2019 10:50

Yanbu. Either stay home or pick somewhere to visit this year and another next.
It would be nice to please everyone but it's not possible. You please the others and end up knackered and fed up yourselves.
Just figure out what your immediate family (you, dh, kids) want and deal with the fallout.

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