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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to family party

320 replies

GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 19:42

I'm really hurt by this- AIBU? My DP's sister and her family live a 5 hour drive away. We don't see them often, although I know them well and we have (had?) a good relationship. I'm not married to DP, although we have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We have stayed with her a few times and she has stayed with us. Our children are similar ages.

Tonight is her 40th birthday party. My DP has driven down there and is preparing for a good night out. I was not invited. There was no mention of me coming and he didn't challenge why I wasn't asked. It's a house party so not really restricted by numbers. I was hurt and he knows this. However, (and this is the bit that really kicks me when I'm down) today I found out that his best friend was asked instead and they have gone to the party together.

I’m gutted and now feel that I am not seen as a part of their family, yet the best friend is? My DP showed me the initial invite message which states, 'it would be really good if you and best friend could come to the party.'

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
Insertcreativenamehere · 15/09/2019 18:49

Is he back yet?? X

UniversalAunt · 15/09/2019 18:51

What are your current plans for Christmas?
What do you usually do?

Without being petty (moi?), I would revisit any assumptions he & his family make about Xmas.
If you all usually goes to your family, his invitation up for negotiation...
Maybe this the year you go away en famille to a lovely hotel for the full 3 days so you do not have to lift a finger AT ALL.

No assumptions, everything up for negotiation.

Ngailia · 15/09/2019 18:52

A night out with your Bestie is called for - in fact make it a spa weekend and your DP can pay for it. Make sure you take plenty of piccies showing what a great time you are having and it wouldn't hurt to include some random hottie bloke in a selfie either! (It would be great if either or both of your children are teething at the time too....just saying.)

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 15/09/2019 18:55

He is not nice.

Update us OP?

Hope you did text SIL
Flowers

Insanelysilver · 15/09/2019 18:56

I would be extremely hurt and upset.
It’s absolutely out of order, that
you we’re not automatically included
and also that your partner didn’t take this up with DS. !
The fact ‘best friend’ was written on the invite also makes me think there had been some communication with your DP regarding who he would like to take with him to this party.
I’m so sorry he did this. Your DP has acted like a total shit and I’d find this difficult to forgive.

LittleSweet · 15/09/2019 18:56

He's worse than her! I can't believe he went with his friend and left you at home. What a mean girl she is for not inviting you. Two horrible people. Please get yourself a treat to make up for it.💐

7yo7yo · 15/09/2019 18:59

Late to the party (sorry) but you need to address this op.
Don’t let it lie.
If you don’t get a straight answer, tell him you’ll ask his sister. And do it.
I was close to my sisters in law. We were actually like sisters but I’ve slowly been ostracised.
I’m biding my time to address it and when the time is right I will.
I think the key thing to remember is you are in laws or part of the same family because of your DP/ her brother. She owes you nothing. Your partner however should give you his loyalty.

Antigonads · 15/09/2019 19:01

gill1960 · 15/09/2019 19:03

I think that he and his best friend were invited because of childhood memories and having fun as kids.

I would be really happy that his sister knew that

Gbtch · 15/09/2019 19:03

Aren’t you his best friend?

annawithabanner · 15/09/2019 19:06

It’s so insensitive to say the least of your partners sister and unforgivable your partner has gone along with it - some fairly substantial grovelling needs to be done by him to be forgiven ( if you want to forgive him ). Doesn’t matter if your married or not - your a family. Give yourself a hug x

Bugbabe1970 · 15/09/2019 19:06

I’d message the sister and ask why I wasn’t invited

Raybay · 15/09/2019 19:11

Your DP was an arse in going without you and his sister is an arse for not inviting you and the children. Some women are like your SIL but in this case your DP should have declined the invite. Hope they all had a shit time.

Honeyroar · 15/09/2019 19:11

Surely when you have a house party (or venue party to some extent) you don't invite individual people per se. I'd just tell my SIL we were having a party, I wouldn't mention names, she'd just know the whole family were invited. I may mention "bring your friend X too, if you like", but it would mean as well as, not instead of.

He is either wet as fuck for not standing up to her or he's being as mean as fuck deliberately excluding you.

GoodyAdultHumanFemale · 15/09/2019 19:11

If I received an invitation to a family party, I would tell DP about it and we'd go together. I'd automatically assume he's invited, even if he's not named. And we don't live together.
I'd be really hurt, too, OP, I hope you sort it out.

karenbokaren · 15/09/2019 19:12

What a git! Thanks

ManOfKent · 15/09/2019 19:17

YANBU. A very similar situation caused me to completely rethink my life and as a result pack up, leave and divorce.
Your DP is a piece of shit who either ignored the upset this would cause or didn't care. You need to fight back hard to let him know that this is completely unacceptable and won't be tolerated.
For me it was just the final straw in a long 5 year catalogue of misery.

maureen17 · 15/09/2019 19:23

surely ...you are his best friend?

MadeForThis · 15/09/2019 19:30

Would you have been able to get childcare?

ohfourfoxache · 15/09/2019 19:34

I hope he’s absolutely fucking grovelling by now

Vivianebrookskoviak · 15/09/2019 19:34

Your DP didn't question this and yet still went with his best friend????!!!!

I'd be unleashing all kinds of fury at him and be making him grovel.

Texting you while at the party? Wow,pretty low stunt.

Book a night out for yourself and friends and leave him in charge of the kids and be giving his sister a wide berth from now on.

Densol999 · 15/09/2019 19:34

Waiting for an update - hope you got to the bottom of it x

YouBloodySod · 15/09/2019 19:37

SaraNade,
Surely there is no bigger commitment than having children ? more so than getting married, Just saying.

31RueCambon75001 · 15/09/2019 19:42

Hurtful.. she probably thought that if she only invited her brother he would come as he had a babysitter stuck at home

IdiotInDisguise · 15/09/2019 19:42

One of my uncles married a woman who was much older than him,let’s call her B, you can imagine the amount of gossip and butchery than ensued from the other women in the family.

Every time that word got to B about the gossip or nastiness she was very dignified. She just informed her husband that the infractor was not welcomed in her house.

As a result my mother was not allowed to visit on a few occasions, ranging from 2 to 5 years each, at other times, other women were banned. To this day I think B was ace, she stood her ground, stayed happily away if the nastiness and let her husband deal with the mess her refusal to see people caused in HIS family.

OP, be like B. You can reject them back, it is not for you to build bridges or put the things to rights or side to suit a man that doesn’t support you when it comes to his family.

My MIL and SIL were awful, I didn’t have to do anything nasty... I just stoped reminding my husband to keep in touch with them, to send cards or get gifts or fliwers.

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