Not invited to family party

[GameOfGroans]

I'm really hurt by this- AIBU? My DP's sister and her family live a 5 hour drive away. We don't see them often, although I know them well and we have (had?) a good relationship. I'm not married to DP, although we have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We have stayed with her a few times and she has stayed with us. Our children are similar ages.

Tonight is her 40th birthday party. My DP has driven down there and is preparing for a good night out. I was not invited. There was no mention of me coming and he didn't challenge why I wasn't asked. It's a house party so not really restricted by numbers. I was hurt and he knows this. However, (and this is the bit that really kicks me when I'm down) today I found out that his best friend was asked instead and they have gone to the party together.

I’m gutted and now feel that I am not seen as a part of their family, yet the best friend is? My DP showed me the initial invite message which states, 'it would be really good if you and best friend could come to the party.'

AIBU to be hurt?

"It's easier to ask for forgiveness than get permission" It's like he started with the grovelling as soon as there was no chance of you coming, i.e once the party had got going. He can be sorry all he wants, I wouldn't let him off so easily.. that's what he's hoping! He got to enjoy the party and hoping you'll forget soon, best of both worlds.
With the sister I would assume she thought you'd have to look after the kids. If DP was invited to a party then it would be assumed the same as we have no-one else to look after them. But.. I would still be mentioned in the invite!

Has he done this kind of thing before?

Don't take it to heart OP, my nan once asked me if I was going to my cousins wedding... I was like what wedding nan, I don't know of any wedding? Turns out I was the only person in the WHOLE family who had not been invited... Not done anything either, I'm miles away from the family. Have no SM and tend to keep myself to myself (theyre all rather brash at times) all the family went to the wedding (minus me of course) a year later my nan informs me that they've split up! (apparently his wife didn't love him anymore!)
Message the sister and wish her a happy birthday (you're still being polite even if it was here not wanting you there) and question DH when he gets home about why he never asked about your invite!
Hope you're feeling OK today OP (cake for breakfast helps!) x

I'd 100% bring it up with the sil. If she had expected you to be there and you haven't gone it could cause bad feeling anyway. Atleast that way you cover yourself if you OH was just being an arse or alternatively you'll find out why you wasn't invited. Either way it wont fester with either of you once its spoken about. A simple "Happy birthday. I'm really disappointed I wasn't invited to share the day with you but I hope you had a fabulous evening". That will open up any conversation needed.

That's a shame OP

your DP has a lot of explaining to do

Is he back today?

Was it just assumed you would be there?

He just wanted to party like it was 1999...

He wanted a weekend away with his mate without the responsibility of being a dad and (possibly) a partner. If he'd just told you he and his mate fancied a lads' night out and went out locally one weekend, there shouldn't have been a problem. But he wanted the whole weekend, so he's told his sister that you can't come to the party because no-one can have the kids and has asked if his mate can come instead. The text you saw is the last part of the conversation.- not his sister inviting DP and his mate but her confirming that it would be lovely if DP and his mate were still able to go.
Which is shitty OP. It's probably innocent- eg him wanting a hassle free piss up rather than him wanting to shag someone else- but it's a shitty way to go about it and means you'll never exactly trust what his intentions were.
Sorry sweetheart xxx

Sounds like this was your DP wanting a night out with his best friend and not you, which is disgusting at the way he's handled it. If I was you I would text sister in law and wish her a happy birthday, then text your friends and arrange a fab night out and leave him to babysit.

I'm so sorry op this is awful for you 💐💐
If this had happened to me my dh would not of gone without me and both our families are 1 1/2 hrs drive away (3 hr round trip)
It seems to me that sadly your oh hasn't got your back, and that is so bloody hurtful. Feel for you.

I’m with Lowandlucky. He has made it perfectly clear where you come on his list of priorities. I would have turned off my phone and changed the locks. F$&@ him!!

What Mecca said.

Of course he is admitting he was wrong. He’s far away having a great time and there isn’t a thing you can do about it

GameofGroans, DP is a douchbag, dump his as$ or at least take a break/change the locks.

If he doesn't value you and his family don't value you then how can you have a relationship with either? I know it's easy for me to say on this forum without knowing the ins and outs of your relationship...from personal experience a man who would want to go to a family doo without his other half and doesn't take offence to you not being invited, is not someone who truly loves and appreciates you. Maybe this has been building for a while, I dont know but I certainly would not put up with that sh1t....unless I didn't like the SIL and did not want to go. Even so an invite from SIL should have been offered just for manners sake.

Bk mark

Place marking. Eager to hear what the gobshite has to say for himself.

Bookmark

Are you sure she didn’t mean for you to go as well, and just kind of thought it went without saying?

Op, if he cares so little for you and a party is more important than his ten year relationship with you I would say you have probably in all sincerity come to the end of the line.

If you were not invited, he should have declined, it is as simple as that.

That's very strange - are you sure he hasn't given the wrong impression to SIL about your relationship (may be said it's not going so well so he'd take a mate). Have you spoken to SIL yourself. I would after I calmed down on Monday!

Is he back yet? What has he got to say for himself?
Of course, it's easy to be apologetic now he's got exactly what he wanted.
I'd struggle to come back from this, if I were you. What an absolute pig.

I have a feeling this was more your partners idea.

Hey OP
Reaching out as I feel your pain! Visiting my SIL she told me she was having a big meal out for her 30th and asked my OH if he was going, followed by “oh you won’t be able to come due to childcare”. So she had told me I wasn’t welcome rather than letting me organise childcare.

On another occasion my MIL and SIL organised a day out and told me I wouldn’t be able to go due to childcare!!! Total CFs.

On both occasions OH didn’t click till I said I wasn’t invited.

I think there are deeper issues here between you and DP, plus with SIL.

Do you have children together? Were the other kids there?

I understand how you feel, my SIL had a baby shower 'get together' before her baby was due - just her partner, a group of her friends (m&f), her partners sister, her mum, her sister. My DH asked his mum why we hadn't been asked or why it hadn't been mentioned..... her reply was 'ahh sorry, it was family and her best friends only'. When he pointed iur we were family, and that even if it was women only, I was still family, having been with DH for 16 years, she replied 'oh'. I now distance myself and find DMIL and DSIL trying harder to 'include' us but we have just ignored it x