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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to family party

320 replies

GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 19:42

I'm really hurt by this- AIBU? My DP's sister and her family live a 5 hour drive away. We don't see them often, although I know them well and we have (had?) a good relationship. I'm not married to DP, although we have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We have stayed with her a few times and she has stayed with us. Our children are similar ages.

Tonight is her 40th birthday party. My DP has driven down there and is preparing for a good night out. I was not invited. There was no mention of me coming and he didn't challenge why I wasn't asked. It's a house party so not really restricted by numbers. I was hurt and he knows this. However, (and this is the bit that really kicks me when I'm down) today I found out that his best friend was asked instead and they have gone to the party together.

I’m gutted and now feel that I am not seen as a part of their family, yet the best friend is? My DP showed me the initial invite message which states, 'it would be really good if you and best friend could come to the party.'

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
B9ddy · 16/09/2019 08:08

Surely you are his best friend ...

MulticolourMophead · 16/09/2019 08:11

OP, hope you're ok, and that things haven't gone pear shaped. I, too, suspect that your DP wasn't telling the truth about the invite, which if true raises all kinds of trust issues.

user1493544195 · 16/09/2019 08:17

You may have seen the text message, but what conversations have been had before, this situation has been contrived by your DP.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2019 08:24

I'm afraid I'd also assume he's told the sister he wishes to just go with him and his mate, for a child free weekend,

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2019 08:29

I'd also go easy on the sister, he might simply have told her uou wished to stay home with the kids. She may not know.

zingally · 16/09/2019 08:35

You're right to be cross, absolutely!

Ultimately though, this reflects worse on her, rather than you. Mentally put her on your "screw you" list. This is a mental list of people that you've given yourself permission to not care about any more. What they do, think, say, is of no interest to you. You have no opinion on anything that concerns them. I did it with my sister's DP nearly a year ago, after he said some unforgivably cruel things, and I immediately felt a load better!
Also, unfollow or mute on social media if she's on there. You need a break from her.

If DPs sister wants to repair the relationship in due course, all the leg-work is on her.

But also, DP should have raised this with his sister at the time, "why isn't Partner invited?" He doesn't come out of this smelling of roses!

ItWentInMyEye · 16/09/2019 08:49

Your DH is a dick!

QueenDaisy · 16/09/2019 08:59

What zingally says, I’ve got this list in my head as well, I’ve recently put someone on it & it’s not me she’s pissed off, it’s a good friend of mine 🙂

hellsbellsmelons · 16/09/2019 09:21

I am just wondering how the conversation went yesterday?
Although I would have been straight out of the door when he returned, leaving him to look after the kids while I went out and had a relax with friends for a few hours.
Hope all is OK OP.

LovelyIssues · 16/09/2019 10:10

does the text actually say you're not invited? I'm guessing SIL assumed you'd both be coming but your DP wanted a lads night and invited his friend instead

billy1966 · 16/09/2019 10:31

OP, how terribly upsetting for you. You must feel so hurt.

I would be very suspicious of what your SIL was told.

I would text your SIL "wishing you a very happy birthday. I hope you had a lovely evening. I want you to know how deeply hurt I feel not to have been invited. I'm very fond of you, and can't think what I did to deserve to be excluded like that".

You will be laying it out for her to explain.

I would be absolutely devastated if my husband behaved like that.

No apology would work for me after the event. Utterly worthless after the event.

I doubt there would be any way back.

Wishing you strength💐

Funguy · 16/09/2019 10:44

You have a lying evasive partner. I am sorry but that is just downright horrible. What the hell is he up to?
I wouldn't trust him an inch after that.
He is a liar and I would question whether he truly cared for you .

scubadive · 16/09/2019 10:54

Hi op have you resolved things?

I suspect from the txt you were shown your DO had already told his sister you wouldn’t be able to go, whether he really didn’t want you there or just thought it would make the babysitting issue sorted who knows, maybe a bit of both. However, the fact remains he fancied a weekend away with his mate and probably used the ‘you aren’t invited’ to engineer it. Not nice behaviour and you certainly need to get to the bottom of his lack of honesty.

If you were really not invited I would want to see the whole trail of e-mails and probably confirm with his sister (don’t pre warn your DP, he may get her to collude) if that was the case then a whole other issue re considering your feelings and standing up for you.

Good luck and do give us an update

FairiesontheSwing · 16/09/2019 12:18

I hope he is very sorry.

Okurrrrrrrr · 16/09/2019 12:43

Hope everything went okay OP?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/09/2019 13:22

I second PPs who have said you need to contact your SIL and ask her politely and calmly but outright.. why? That's the only way you can get a better view of DP's behaviour.
Mind you he's probably already told her that you've been texting and maybe will have asked her to cover for him.
You'll have to have the Talk about how this throws light on where you stand with his family and with him, in view of the fact that you have a decade and two children with him. So sorry it's hurtful but. It may be that he's just been completely thoughtless and didn't think it through.

FelicisNox · 16/09/2019 13:34

I agree with @FamilyOfAliens.

Leave him babysitting and organise a girls night out overnight.

They're both CF to be honest.

Notodontidae · 16/09/2019 13:42

I agree with many of the replies, you have been together in a relationship, so should assume it means the both of you and go as a couple. Your DP isn't showing much back-bone, and should also have assumed it meant the both of you. You should both have turned up, and if words were said, your DP would then have said we always go together.
Those people that assume they are liked by everyone, usually are.

pikapikachu · 16/09/2019 13:48

You know that you can delete parts of a text message thread right?
So say you and I were talking :

You: For my birthday I'm having a party at home. Can you come with your OH?
Me:I'd love to come and have a childfree weekend. Can you resend the previous message and make the last question Can you come with B so X isn't angry?
You: For my birthday I'm having a party at home. Can you come with B? ?
Me: Love to. See you then.

I can delete the first 2 messages so it looks like You invited me and B and I look innocent.

I would contact the sister and wish her a Happy Birthday and find out what happened. Personally I suspect that your OH wanted to be childfree and get really drunk rather than your SIL not wanting you there if there's no history.

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 16/09/2019 14:28

Sorry it's been a draining couple of days! Thank you all so much for the support you have shown me, sometimes when you try and deal with stuff alone it gets overwhelming. I've read all of your responses and agree with so much.

It turns out that the SIL just assumed I wouldn't have wanted to go, but he could have brought me along if he'd wanted to. Which doesn't tell me much about her real feelings- although I will definitely be following the advice of the posters who suggested I distance myself from her. If I'm not part of the family after 10 years then I never will be. I am mostly OK with that- it's not like we see them much anyway.

The problem I have with DP runs deeper. He could have chosen to tell them he was bringing me, but for whatever reason he didn't. He just followed the instructions of the text to the letter. He says he didn't want me to get hurt that I wasn't invited so tried to hide it. I am leaning towards the fact that he just fancied a child free weekend away with his mate and didn't think.

Either way he is extremely remorseful and apologetic, I don't think he fully realised the impact of his actions on me. I do believe that he is truly sorry. We have got a lot of work to do to build the trust up again- I guess time will tell!

Thanks again Winefor you all!

OP posts:
CorBlimeyGovenor · 16/09/2019 14:38

Well, I think that you have been treated very poorly by both of them tbh. Why would someone assume that you wouldn't want to go? Tbh it sounds like his SIL wasn't really bothered whether you were there or not. Does she know how you feel about it? I would remain aloof. Re DH, I bet that he just figured that one of you had to stay and look after the kids and it was going through be you. That not wanting not to hurt you is bullshit! If he felt that you were going to end up hurt he should have had words with your SIL and insisted that you both go or not at all.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/09/2019 14:40

WHY would sil assume you wouldn’t want to go so didn't invite you

Seems a crap explanation to me

Is that was dh said ?

Or what sil told you ?

If dh then I would say the same as @NearlyGranny and text sil

BloggersBlog · 16/09/2019 15:42

Have there been quite a few times that you have been invited to a family thing and not gone @GameofGroans? If it is a pattern then I suppose it is more understandable. But if you've always gone then it is a very poor excuse on both sides and you have been treated shabbily.

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2019 16:02

he is truly sorry yeah course he is . AFTER he's had a fun weekend he's sorry. Didn't think about you before though did he. If he'd wanted you there you'd have been there. What happens next time there's a family party?

ChikiTIKI · 16/09/2019 17:03

Glad you're feeling better. If you usually put a bit of effort in to his family such as arranging meet ups and birthday cards etc at least you could stop doing that now without feeling guilty.

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