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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to family party

320 replies

GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 19:42

I'm really hurt by this- AIBU? My DP's sister and her family live a 5 hour drive away. We don't see them often, although I know them well and we have (had?) a good relationship. I'm not married to DP, although we have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We have stayed with her a few times and she has stayed with us. Our children are similar ages.

Tonight is her 40th birthday party. My DP has driven down there and is preparing for a good night out. I was not invited. There was no mention of me coming and he didn't challenge why I wasn't asked. It's a house party so not really restricted by numbers. I was hurt and he knows this. However, (and this is the bit that really kicks me when I'm down) today I found out that his best friend was asked instead and they have gone to the party together.

I’m gutted and now feel that I am not seen as a part of their family, yet the best friend is? My DP showed me the initial invite message which states, 'it would be really good if you and best friend could come to the party.'

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 15/09/2019 19:43

Bitchery not butchery Grin

ToftyAC · 15/09/2019 19:48

Your DP has acted like a totally disrespectful, hurtful shit. I hope you give him merry fucking hell and don’t let him off the hook lightly OP. I’d have told my DP not to bother coming home if he’d treated me like that.

Kate0902900908 · 15/09/2019 19:49

I’m really sorry to say this but this is not a problem with family it’s a problem with your partner and he’s probably got another agenda and reason for not wanting you there!
Ex girlfriend ?
Going out afterwards
...you were probably invited but he has told them his friend is coming instead

lily2403 · 15/09/2019 19:50

My dp wouldn’t have went without me. Discussion needed here. Good luck Flowers

youcantchoosethem · 15/09/2019 19:50

What happened next? (Blatant placemarking...)

It’s shit to be excluded from family parties - and that includes by your direct family - I know from experience...

fib88 · 15/09/2019 20:05

I think it’s time your DP becomes your ex P - they (his family) obviously have some kind of problem or completely insensitive and a mean spirited bunch. Move on and find somebody else with a kind family otherwise your future is bleak - good luck x

fib88 · 15/09/2019 20:09

Forgot to say DP is just as bad!

Either spineless or has another agenda cooking - either way you need a DP with a back bone and someone who’ll stick up for you when required

BackforGood · 15/09/2019 20:13

I'm with those who would also have assumed the "you" in the text was plural, and she automatically assumed it would be read as 'brother and partner', and then added "Tom" or whoever, as it would also be nice to see their longstanding friend.

The question is, when your DP misread it, why it didn't strike him as odd, and occur to him to check 'I presume you mean me and GameofGroans?

Zuma76 · 15/09/2019 20:17

Hope you are still feeling angry rather than upset OP

Sheilasfeels · 15/09/2019 20:18

I also concur that he is a Dick wipe. I would be furious. Hope you have him a right bollocking and made him look after the kids today with a hangover.

Rainycloudyday · 15/09/2019 20:18

The trouble is even if he apologises and doesn’t do it again because he’s been told that he shouldn’t, it will be like he takes you because it’s the right thing to do and not because he really wants to be with you. I don’t mean to be blunt but a partner should want to do stuff like this with you and if he thought you’d been excluded should have questioned it and stood up for you. So if he changes his ways now it’s like it will be because he has been told to...I’m not explaining myself well but basically he should WANT to take you to stiffness like this and doing so just because he knows he’ll be in trouble again if he doesn’t is a bit shit. So I’m not sure where you go from this-he has shown you an attitude that I’m not sure there’s any getting past.

Davegrohlsnewwife · 15/09/2019 20:20

DP has been a knob. The questions i'd ask are:
A) is this typical behaviour for him?
B) has anything like this happened before?
C) can I live with this?

Sometimes people are dicks - but upping and leaving over a one off (albeit completely out of order) situation may be overreacting.

You know what's best for you OP - but perhaps a nights sleep and cold light of day may mean things may not feel so bad.

Don't get me wrong - in this situation i'd feel the same - i'm just trying to offer another view point.

I hope everything is ok - sending hugs because I can understand how shitty it feels! X

Miranda15110 · 15/09/2019 20:23

He's selfish and entitled. He also doesn't care about you and therefore doesn't deserve you. He did this because he could and you need to put a stop to that. Time to put a value on who you are and how you deserve to treated Wink

ThistleTits · 15/09/2019 20:25

Could she have meant you by saying BF? I smell shit tbh and he's perhaps asked her to word it that way or edited the text. I'd be fkg furious with him.

Bowerbird5 · 15/09/2019 20:26

I'd spend little on his next b'day/Christmas present and use it for a lovely weekend away.

Hunstanton · 15/09/2019 20:32

Have you had the convo with OH yet OP?
It’s hard to fathom why the dSis wouldn’t want you there and does sound like OH wanted a free weekend away.

Bearseatbeets · 15/09/2019 20:33

Interested to hear how he has been today. My gut feel is that she meant all of you when she said ‘you’ but your DP chose to interpret it in the way that worked for him!

Debrons · 15/09/2019 20:35

he'd be an ex DP for me, I'm afraid. How disgusting. You are spending your life with somebody who a) thinks its ok to treat you like this b) has probably bad mouthed you to his family hence no invite and c) doesn't call you his best friend. Vile.

Stars2theside · 15/09/2019 20:37

Hey OP,
Hope you're ok, and just wanted to come on and check if there's any update.
His behaviour is inexcusable, but I have a DP who doesn't see when his family are excluding me. It's infuriating, but I just treat them the same now, and they're the ones missing out, not me. We have a DD who they could do so much more with, but because of their stinky attitudes they don't. DD doesn't lose out, we do plenty with her and I live in the hope that one day he'll wake up to the BS.
Hope you're ok though, and the convo hasn't gone too badly! Flowers

Sleepyhead19 · 15/09/2019 20:39

I was invited to a wedding a few years ago with my ex partner. It was his friend getting married and was abroad. It made no difference to cost at the hotel as it was per room and I could’ve got a reasonable flight. He said he assumed I wouldn’t go despite how excited I was to have a little holiday after a horrendous year and took his friend instead. I just wasn’t wanted there. That upset me so much.
I’d be VERY surprised if the SIL actually didn’t invite you. Why would she think you’d be ok with that? I think there has been a previous conversation about your lack of invite and your partner has asked for that text so he can ‘prove’ you weren’t asked along. The friend could’ve gone even if you did so it all seems a bit weird.
Sorry but I don’t think you are being told the truth. He just wanted a weekend without you.

Aridane · 15/09/2019 20:39

Granny's text is very good

WhenPushComesToShove · 15/09/2019 20:50

What a bastard. Trust once broken is very hard to regain plus he has treated you like absolute shit by the sound of it. Waiting to hear how you got on with your 'chat'

ktp100 · 15/09/2019 20:57

COME BACK, OP!!!!

Tistheseason17 · 15/09/2019 20:57

I'm my DH's best friend.
He'd always want me there. Your DP is the problem.
How did conversation go?

Sissyjd · 15/09/2019 20:59

Thats so disrespectful and such aselfish horribly hurtful thing your dp & possibly Sil have done across you. You def need to chat and lije many have said hes all remorseful and will be oh so regretful now but hes got what he wanted...too late. My ex ...(note EX) was like that. Sending hugs hope it goes ok. WineFlowersSmile

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