Not invited to family party

[GameOfGroans]

I'm really hurt by this- AIBU? My DP's sister and her family live a 5 hour drive away. We don't see them often, although I know them well and we have (had?) a good relationship. I'm not married to DP, although we have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We have stayed with her a few times and she has stayed with us. Our children are similar ages.

Tonight is her 40th birthday party. My DP has driven down there and is preparing for a good night out. I was not invited. There was no mention of me coming and he didn't challenge why I wasn't asked. It's a house party so not really restricted by numbers. I was hurt and he knows this. However, (and this is the bit that really kicks me when I'm down) today I found out that his best friend was asked instead and they have gone to the party together.

I’m gutted and now feel that I am not seen as a part of their family, yet the best friend is? My DP showed me the initial invite message which states, 'it would be really good if you and best friend could come to the party.'

AIBU to be hurt?

I'm so sorry for you, OP. That was a hurtful thing for your SIL to do and doubly hurtful that your partner didn't query it immediately and straighten it out. I would be upset and angry too.

He will be really really sorry until the next time.

Sorry op but there will be plenty more to come, because it is as obvious as day he doesn’t have much respect for you, and doesn’t care one way or the other about your actual feelings.

He can get away with hurting you, because your boundaries are not in place. You are destined for of the same or worse. Sorry op.

"He says he didn't want me to get hurt that I wasn't invited so tried to hide it. "

But you technically were invited? Smells like bullshit to me but if you can accept his explanation then I hope you can move past it.

He's not sorry for what happened, he's just sorry that he got caught out, and is now getting a hard time for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It never ceases to amaze me what women tolerate from a so called partner.

He'll do this time and time again OP because you've now given the green light. Good luck - you're going to need it.

I think distancing yourself a bit from sil is a good idea. I'd see my arse with your DH. I think going away for weekends away without each other is fine but he went about this is a really sneaky and hurtful way. Book your time away with your friend asap.

We live about 3 hours from our home town. My ILs did this a lot, at first they didn't invite us both because we lived too far away. When DH mentioned something they started to invite him but not me. As far as I'm concerned I want to be on friendly terms with them but we aren't and won't be friends.

OP - try not to let the comments telling you to LTB get to you.
Real life is not so black and white. It's not an easy decision to up and leave your life. There are a million factors to consider. Just because someone else has done it, don't think they've not put up with months of shit prior. They might regret taking so long to do it, yes. But the longer you take to make a decision, the more confident you can feel with what you've decided.
Do what is right for you and your children. Always. Hold your head up high. And don't forget these slights. They'll play an important part in your future decision making. Do more for yourself and make yourself feel better, and don't let anyone else decide your happiness. Xxx

Hope you are OK OP and feeling a bit better.
Did SIL tell you directly that she just assumed you wouldn't want to come and so didn't invite you?
Or did DP tell you that?
Because if its the first, I'd still get back to her and say why would you assume I wouldn't want to come with my DP to a family event? and get her to spell it out.
If its DP saying it.... it sounds a bit of a fudged excuse.
You need to ask him to be honest about why he wanted to go without you and why he thinks "hiding" it from you is the best course of action.
It maybe that he just didnt think.. but if so, he needs to be told quite blankly what he should do next time. Sorry you've had to go through this.

Hi op, I hope you work things out, maybe ask why he felt the need to hide his desire for a weekend away with his friend? A family event isn't really the right place for that anyway but he probably saw it as an easy opportunity. I'm afraid I think many men are selfish and put their own needs before their partners and I have known many friends partners 'hide' their behaviour rather than come clean. Not excusing it but not quite reason for divorce as some suggesting!

As my beloved late brother would say, 'Fuck 'em!' I have always lived by the principle that one treats others the way oneself would like to be treated. By this measure you can tell these thoughtless, hurtful people to go fuck themselves and completely please yourself. All that remorse bullshit is worthless after the event. As PPs have said, time for you to have a lovely long weekend off with your bestie(s) and apart from arranging for DH to be home for childcare, don't bother sharing a thing! If he gets pissed about this, do the fake remorse thing on your return by parroting his words right back at him. So mad on your behalf.

I have to say I am suprised OP.
My assumption was that sil said 'are you and OP okay for party on Saturday'? Only for him to say that you needed to babysit, and could he bring mate instead.
To be honest, unless you have spoken to her, i would still asssume this.
Crap for you, absolutely shitty behaviour from DP, but hopefully a crappy blip you can get past.
Good luck

Have you thought that your dp’s Sister didn’t know how to address you. You aren’t married but are more than just a girlfriend of her brother. it isn’t an easy call. So maybe, just maybe, by writing best friend, she did actually mean you.

Yeah a guy who is ‘truly sorry’ after a weekend of fun isn’t ‘truly sorry’. A truly sorry person realised their mistake and rectifies it immediately.

My partner would never have done this and if he did he would have driven 5 hours home to pick me up (genuinely would have).

Your partner is a dick, he isn’t sorry. I’d be making him buy you and a mate a girls weekend away. What a knob!!

OP have you actually spoken to his sister? Or are you just going by what he says? Because if not, he is probably still trying to cover up and act like you weren't invited. You really do need to speak to his sister, because you sure as hell ain't getting the truth from him.

Who told you sil thought that? Your idiot partner?
Wouldn’t believe a thing that comes out of his shitty mouth.

@SaraNade Neither is marriage nowadays I’m afraid.

Christmas is cancelled!!
At least transformed.

He had a child- free wife- free weekend.
Arranged in advance, hey we all need a break from routine.
But he took his break without any discussion, negotiation or consideration of you.

I suggest you have a Christmas break - no present buying for his family, no advance planning, no shopping, cooking or cleaning for the 3 day national scoffest. He does it all or you outsource the effort e.g. Christmas Day lunch at nice restaurant or even go away.

This is about acknowledging the need for a break from the routine for you. This break is discussed, negotiated & is considerate of all parties - Yes, there will be a lovely Christmas but is not GameOfGroans turn this year to make it happen.

I'd make him suffer. What an inconsiderate arsehole. And screw the other lot, what a bich she sounds.

Well you know what they say. It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, your partner has proven that.

I would've assumed You meant DP and your self. Why would she have missed you off?

I said to my friend...would you like to come to a party and she knew I meant the three of them.