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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to family party

320 replies

GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 19:42

I'm really hurt by this- AIBU? My DP's sister and her family live a 5 hour drive away. We don't see them often, although I know them well and we have (had?) a good relationship. I'm not married to DP, although we have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We have stayed with her a few times and she has stayed with us. Our children are similar ages.

Tonight is her 40th birthday party. My DP has driven down there and is preparing for a good night out. I was not invited. There was no mention of me coming and he didn't challenge why I wasn't asked. It's a house party so not really restricted by numbers. I was hurt and he knows this. However, (and this is the bit that really kicks me when I'm down) today I found out that his best friend was asked instead and they have gone to the party together.

I’m gutted and now feel that I am not seen as a part of their family, yet the best friend is? My DP showed me the initial invite message which states, 'it would be really good if you and best friend could come to the party.'

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
NumbersStation · 14/09/2019 20:54

Aye thecatsacunt

In which case the dp is so hugely in the wrong there for not saying so.

The cat you mention has company...

CookieDoughKid · 14/09/2019 20:55

All my siblings have partners. When we have parties we never mention partners by name. We just assume they are coming! I would give the benefit of doubt to your sil otherwise it's odd behaviour. You'd think more the merrier at party!

I think the culprit is your dh.

tillytrotter1 · 14/09/2019 20:57

Why doesn't he see you as his 'best friend'?

Could this invitation not refer to you, a jokey way of refering to you? We have a couple of friends and we always refer to the other one as 'your housemate' or 'your hotwater bottle', no-one takes offence!

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/09/2019 20:57

"He's now admitting that he should have asked and is begging forgiveness. Over text- while living it up with his mate at the party angry"
I'm wondering if he was prompted to text you this, because his sister has asked him "Where's GameOfGroans? Why didn't she come with you?" Because when she said 'you' in her text she meant both of you.

Regardless, your partner is a shit.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 14/09/2019 21:01

I think that it's prob just a child free party and given the distance and needing to be away for a night or two, it was just assumed that you wouldn't be able to make it due to looking after your kids. Hence why the invite to his friend to keep him company. Sounds like ill thought out. I don't think that much thought went into it TBH (even the invite was by text).

DeeCeeCherry · 14/09/2019 21:05

I'm thinking the invite was for you and DP & he's either pretended you can't make it so no point inviting you, or he's told her that he doesn't want you there. Then askedif he can bring his friend instead. Its beyond rude of him. He's texting you from the party as he doesn't want you to rock the boat. & he wants to divert you from his lies. Don't engage in the texting he's being ridiculous, you're better off venting here. He's too ill-mannered for words

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 21:11

You are all making really good points. I'll have to see how the conversation goes tomorrow and watch his reaction. I'm not looking forward to it at all.

He's freely admitting he is in the wrong at the moment, I wonder if he'll still feel that way tomorrow.

OP posts:
CorBlimeyGovenor · 14/09/2019 21:11

I would text his sister though to wish her a Happy 40th. Before adding that you would have wished her in person, had you been bloody well invited!

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 21:11

CorBlimey I might just do this!

OP posts:
SusanneLinder · 14/09/2019 21:11

I have nothing new to add that other posters haven't said, but please update us with what happens when he comes back. Or if you text the sister.
I hate when posters don't tell us what happened. Its like having the last page of a book ripped out...Grin

Tiptoethroughtherulips · 14/09/2019 21:12

OP I really think the issue you have is your DP. From what you’ve said you don’t really seem to have the whole story on the invite process. Regardless of this though, your DP should have discussed with you whether you were/were not invited and for some reason he chose not to do this. He’s the one that owes you a reasonable explanation as to why he didn’t have your back and allowed you to be “disregarded”. It’s not up to anyone else to second guess if you could arrange a babysitter and be able to both go, you should have absolutely both been invited and between you and DP decided if you could manage it.

I think tomorrow, you need to have a very, very frank conversation with DP and explain very clearly how he made you feel and that you will not in future tolerate it. You need to put him on notice that he needs to do better and you expect and deserve better.

catswhiskers15 · 14/09/2019 21:14

Awww Gameofgroans, I am sorry to read this.Flowers I think your husband may have messed up here? try to get to the bottom of it when he is back. He may have a few drinks on board at the moment so now may not be the best time. Jenny wooden top makes two very valid points above and point number 2 is one that I now follow to the letter after an incident with in

catswhiskers15 · 14/09/2019 21:14

in laws

CorBlimeyGovenor · 14/09/2019 21:15

He won't be feeling in the wrong tomorrow. He'll be too busy feeling sorry for himself because he will be so hung over! This is your opportunity, however, to make him suffer. I'd invite all your kids friends round for tea tomorrow night (no food prepared) and then offer to run out to the shops and promptly piss off to the cinema instead. You can often buy and take in a glass of wine these days!

Nanna50 · 14/09/2019 21:15

I think the text he showed you was after a conversation where he had said you couldn’t come and substituted his friend. I may not have put my SIL name on a text but at some point would have asked / text is SIL coming?

Have you text her to wish her happy birthday and did she reply?

My DH would not go if the invite wasn’t extended to both of us, unless we discussed it and agreed, so either way he is in the wrong.

Does she know his friend well enough to invite him and not you?

PunishmentSnart · 14/09/2019 21:23

Eh?! Very strange on both parts.

We live a fair distance from DH’s bro & our SIL and this would never happen.

  1. Because they are both lovely and it would be super rude to leave one half of a family unit out

  2. because my DH isn’t an arsehole and would ask why if it did actually happen that I wasn’t invited.

Weird.

Pull him up on it

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 21:23

Tiptoe you are completely right and we will be having the frank conversation you suggest. I think he'll admit he is wrong, grovel and promise never to do it again. But it all means nothing as he's got what he wanted- a weekend away with his mate.

I will be organising one with my friends soon though!

As for his sister, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and wish her a happy birthday. Although my gut tells me they are on the same page with this. Someone earlier asked if his mate is an old friend of the family- the answer is yes, he is. So I do understand why she'd want him there. Just not why she'd not want me.

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 14/09/2019 21:23

My DP of 20yrs wouldn’t have gone to his siblings party if I wasn’t invited. If anything he would have challenged his sibling as to why I wasn’t. Your DP is an arse and has let you down

SusanneLinder · 14/09/2019 21:26

No way would my DH go to a family party if I wasn't invited, and would be challenging it.

macem · 14/09/2019 21:27

Could you have arranged a baby sitter OP?

Ellie56 · 14/09/2019 21:28

He sounds a right twat OP.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 14/09/2019 21:32

I agree with other posters. Your SIL is taking her lead from your dp. Good luck with the chat tomorrow.

shrumps · 14/09/2019 21:34

Your partner should have assumed you were invited. That's obvious, surely? Anything else is just weird.

Sewrainbow · 14/09/2019 21:37

I suspect everyone is asking where you are and he is regretting not clarifying you're invited or trying to go without you.

When I invite my brothers over I assume their partners and now dc are also coming.
Likewise if I'm invited to a family do then dh (even when he was just dp) is also invited.

Dont blame sil until you know for a fact that she invited her brother but specifically said you weren't invited. Then you know where you stand with dp family...

BloggersBlog · 14/09/2019 21:37

I think Nanna50 is right - he showed you the text he got saying "Looking forward to seeing you and Dave" after he had told her "GameofGroans cant make it, can I ask Dave"

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