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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to family party

320 replies

GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 19:42

I'm really hurt by this- AIBU? My DP's sister and her family live a 5 hour drive away. We don't see them often, although I know them well and we have (had?) a good relationship. I'm not married to DP, although we have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We have stayed with her a few times and she has stayed with us. Our children are similar ages.

Tonight is her 40th birthday party. My DP has driven down there and is preparing for a good night out. I was not invited. There was no mention of me coming and he didn't challenge why I wasn't asked. It's a house party so not really restricted by numbers. I was hurt and he knows this. However, (and this is the bit that really kicks me when I'm down) today I found out that his best friend was asked instead and they have gone to the party together.

I’m gutted and now feel that I am not seen as a part of their family, yet the best friend is? My DP showed me the initial invite message which states, 'it would be really good if you and best friend could come to the party.'

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 14/09/2019 20:31

Hope you are having a nice night anyway!

MyNameIsIrrelevant · 14/09/2019 20:31

Are you sure it wasn't implied? I wouldn't write both partners names if I was inviting to a family party. I'd just assume they knew I meant them both.
Hi BIL, your invited to my party. Why don't you bring your mate too...
I'd assume that would mean both of a couple plus the friend.

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:32

NearlyGranny I'm thinking about doing what you say, although my best friend thinks I should keep a dignified silence. Although I guess I'd find out whether she does know about the invite or not.

OP posts:
ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 14/09/2019 20:32

Is there any possibility that when she mentions your partner, she assumes you two as one? So, if she invites him, it's automatically assumed you will join him? Could that be it at all?

You are not being unreasonable at all to be hurt, it's not nice that your partner has not bothered to clarify this either.

Have you wished her a happy birthday? Perhaps text her and see if she messages back asking why you did not come?

HugoSpritz · 14/09/2019 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CallMeRachel · 14/09/2019 20:33

Hmmm, it is odd and it stinks.

What's he up to I wonder?! Hmm

Is he away the whole weekend?

Can you call the sister or their parents tonight to see the lay of the land? Just to wish her a happy birthday since you were told it was just for your dp and his mate!?

Does he have an ex back home?

AnneKipanki · 14/09/2019 20:34

Some families do not make you feel welcome. It is not going to get better.

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:35

I really appreciate all your thoughts, they are really helping me think it through.

Don't feel as angry anymore, although not looking forward the the conversation tomorrow!

OP posts:
NumbersStation · 14/09/2019 20:37

If he wants to do family witout you then so it should be.

Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, gatherings? It is all on him now. I would be distancing myself from them. And quite likely from him as well.

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 14/09/2019 20:37

Glad to hear you're not so angry anymore OP. Enjoy your break and have some fun tonight, don't worry about them.

Hopefully there has been a misunderstanding and your partner is asked where you are and feels silly.

Look after yourself Smile

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:37

CallMeRachel he went Friday and is back tomorrow. No ex girlfriends as he's never lived there, his sister was the one who moved away. Plenty of her friends there though I guess!

OP posts:
Ihatefootball86 · 14/09/2019 20:39

I'm angry on your behalf.

At both of them. Hmmm.

Good luck

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:39

NumbersStation that's exactly what I plan on doing. I'm going to be distance personified 😁. In fact I think I might tell him that I'm spending Christmas at my mums but he's unfortunately not invited. (My best friend is though).

OP posts:
Hangingwithmygnomies · 14/09/2019 20:40

It's pretty shit but I'm another one who thinks "you" meant both of you. Who text who first tonight?

Bouffalant · 14/09/2019 20:41

Could it be as simple as she told DP you were invited, but as it's no kids he knew one of you would have to stay home with the kids?

What would you have done with the kids if you had been invited?

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:41

I text him when I saw the Facebook post.

OP posts:
NumbersStation · 14/09/2019 20:46

You gave me a throaty chuckle there OP Grin

I prescribe chocolate, some comedy programmes and maybe a glass of something lovely.

I've been where you are - the anger, the upset and the final acceptance. In my case my dp muddied things. It sucks. Flowers

Somebodyswatson · 14/09/2019 20:47

I'm confused about best mate getting an invite? Is he a childhood best friend that sil knows from school etc through your dh? Or is he the replacement plus one?

FrenchSchnoodle · 14/09/2019 20:47

Have you sent a happy birthday text or card to SIL?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 14/09/2019 20:50

If it helps you feel better I'm assuming he now owes you a childfree weekend, I'd be cheering myself up planning that Wine

HollowTalk · 14/09/2019 20:50

I think you should text her tomorrow and say, "Please can you tell me whether I've done something to upset you? I was so upset to find you didn't want me to go to your party. If I've done something, please can we talk about it?"

You know you haven't done anything but it tells her quite clearly that you weren't invited.

TheCatsACunt · 14/09/2019 20:51

A tanner says there was a conversation with his sister that went-

My birthday is the 14th, can you come?
Oh we’d love to but have nobody to mind the kids.
I really wanted you there.
Well, Groan could mind the children but I’d hate going alone. I might see if best friend is interested?

Resulting in a text saying “hope you and best friend can make it”.

Ihatefootball86 · 14/09/2019 20:52

Oooh @HollowTalk That's some good advice!

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/09/2019 20:52

See what he says, I'm wondering if he's getting a continuous chorus of where is Groans now he's at the party and everyone else there thought you were both going plus this best mate person. Until just those 2 jokers arrived. Of course your DP may well have deliberately excluded you and now realises he's messed up big time, that you are part of the family and he's going to have his night off "ruined" by constantly having to talk about you. Serves him right if so Grin I'd double check with his sister first before you kick off at him because I have this feeling he's deliberately left you at home. Which I suspect only now he has realised was a rotten trick (and nobody here is letting him forget it since they're all asking why you're not there and wondering (like you are) what they did to cause you not to attend when you all get on fine and you've always made the effort before.

Bide your time and get your facts straight before confronting him. Then decide what to do next.

Ihatefootball86 · 14/09/2019 20:53

Which you are free to take or not OP Grin

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