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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to family party

320 replies

GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 19:42

I'm really hurt by this- AIBU? My DP's sister and her family live a 5 hour drive away. We don't see them often, although I know them well and we have (had?) a good relationship. I'm not married to DP, although we have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We have stayed with her a few times and she has stayed with us. Our children are similar ages.

Tonight is her 40th birthday party. My DP has driven down there and is preparing for a good night out. I was not invited. There was no mention of me coming and he didn't challenge why I wasn't asked. It's a house party so not really restricted by numbers. I was hurt and he knows this. However, (and this is the bit that really kicks me when I'm down) today I found out that his best friend was asked instead and they have gone to the party together.

I’m gutted and now feel that I am not seen as a part of their family, yet the best friend is? My DP showed me the initial invite message which states, 'it would be really good if you and best friend could come to the party.'

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 14/09/2019 20:15

In our family an invitation to a family event to 'you' means both of us, so I would have assumed that the invite was for the three of you .

Perhaps clear this up with oh sister before having a strop at her?

Tending to think this has been your partner being a bit of a plank, and his frantic texts have been sent after he's arrived to a chorus of where's Game of groans .

Bumbags · 14/09/2019 20:16

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Right

You have a partner free night.

Get yourself some chocolate, a glass of wine and a good film. Plus Mumsnet. Pyjamas.

Perfect night in.

saraclara · 14/09/2019 20:16

I don't think his sister did 'not invite' you. I think she assumed you'd be there too.
My feeling is that you have a DH problem, not a SIL problem.

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:17

Mydog I really hope you're right. Sadly I think the poster who said 'he just didn't want you at the party' is bang on.

OP posts:
LegoPiecesEverywhere · 14/09/2019 20:17

I would assume you were invited. My il's don't say to DH you and Lego are invited to dinner. It is assumed. This one is on your H.

saraclara · 14/09/2019 20:18

Tending to think this has been your partner being a bit of a plank, and his frantic texts have been sent after he's arrived to a chorus of where's Game of groans
Yep. He misunderstood the invitation. And the family are wondering why on earth you're not there.

BumbleBeee69 · 14/09/2019 20:18

Makes you wonder what your DP has been telling his Family about you, that makes them exclude you from Family events... even after being together 10 years ... right ? Hmm

OooErMissus · 14/09/2019 20:21

I'm with everyone who says your invitation was implicit - 'you' would've referred to you and DP.

Your issue is with your crappy DP who very clearly did not want you there. Not your SIL.

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:22

Due to distance we aren't close. Although we've not fallen out and there's no reason why she wouldn't like me. So yes, I am wondering what he has said.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 14/09/2019 20:23

Do you think your partner wanted a kid free piss up? It's pretty obvious he blocked your chance of going.

pinkyredrose · 14/09/2019 20:24

I meant a kid and partner free piss up.

Quartz2208 · 14/09/2019 20:24

Yes this is on him I suspect your invitation was assumed and he is doing this

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:25

The text invite was followed up by a phone call, where he was told again that it would be great if he came and brought the best mate. No mention of me.

But I will give her the benefit of the doubt (although it is tempting not to invite her to my next party 😁)

OP posts:
Elieza · 14/09/2019 20:25

The whole thing is weird and totally sucks. Either the family don’t want you there or DP doesn’t want you there. If the latter, you may want to consider your options. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who hides things from me and lies and takes someone else behind my back in secret. Cheeky bastard. That was defo wrong, whether it was him or them who didn’t want you.

Cherrysoup · 14/09/2019 20:25

I bet his sister is wondering what she’s done that you haven’t come to her party. 🙁

Quartz2208 · 14/09/2019 20:26

This isn’t about the sister she presumably followed his lead

This is on your partner

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:26

Pinkyredrose I think you are exactly right. I think she didn't care one way or another if I was there as long as her brother was and he fancied a weekend away with his mate.

OP posts:
Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:27

Either way I know where I stand 😞

OP posts:
JennyWoodentop · 14/09/2019 20:27

If you genuinely weren't invited then 2 things occur to me

  1. your partner does not have your back when it comes to his family
  1. you now know where you are in the pecking order with his family & if you stay with your partner I would remember that when it comes to future events - visiting , hosting, gift giving - I would be disengaging from all of that & making as much effort with them as they have put into including you for this event.

If you were invited but he misunderstood then point 1 . still pertains

NearlyGranny · 14/09/2019 20:27

Not tonight or tomorrow, OP, but around Monday I'd be messaging the birthday girl with something like, "Hope you had a great time, it sounded like fun. I was really sorry to be left out on such an occasion and just want to give you the opportunity to tell me if I've said it done something to offend or upset you. I've tacked my brains and honestly can't think of anything. If you tell me, perhaps I could put it right. Love ...

Now if she did leave you out on purpose, she should be willing to say why. If it was a misunderstanding fostered by your DP, she will be shocked and upset for you.

If she comes back with something weird she thinks you've done or said, it may be your DP has poisoned the well. He deceived you about the best friend bit; is there a possibility that he's trying to isolate and alienate you from his family?

You know him best!

Lowlandlucky · 14/09/2019 20:28

His bags would be packed and waiting on the doorstep when he came back

stopgaphere · 14/09/2019 20:28

YANBU. I also thought after 2 kids and 10 years I was part of my husbands family but apparently not. I stayed with them over xmas , with really bad flu and my FIL had a go at me for not helping in the kitchen and for my brother staying another night ( He had come all the way from OZ)
So I'm done with them now.

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:29

Jenny you are completely right!

OP posts:
simplekindoflife · 14/09/2019 20:30

I invite my sil to stuff but I don't list her DH (my bil) and their kids out on a text, it's assumed they're all invited... so I wouldn't be quick to assume she hasn't invited you.

I'm gobsmacked he didn't question it?! Who does that! Especially as she called as well, you'd say something along the lines of, oh I assume dw is invited too, etc.

I wonder if any kids are there...

Original poster
GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 20:30

Stopgaphere it seems I'm not the only one. Your husbands family sound awful!

OP posts:
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