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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social services, police or keep my nose out of it

257 replies

hoxtonbabe · 14/09/2019 12:27

Hi, this is more a what should I do?

Back in July, I was getting ready with son for school, about 8.15am we heard lots of howling, crying, etc from somewhere at the back of our flat/garden. We then realised it was from one of the gardens opposite and that the parents of a girl aged around 4 had locked her out on the doorway/steps leading down to their garden. I’ve never really seen this family so thought it may have been an AirBnB???

The lady from the house who’s garden backs on to mine/opposite and is about 3 doors away from this family also heard the girl crying etc, and was asking if she was ok, where her mummy was etc but she just kept crying. I could see there were people in the flat, so realised it was a form of punishment after about 5 minutes of this i was about to call the police but then the mother came out, and although I couldn’t clearly hear what they were saying I could see the girl nodding yes, as the mother was calmly talking to her and then they went inside so I left it at that. I must add that the whole thing went on for about 15 mins in total, but initially I wasn’t focused on it as I was getting ready and thought it was just a child crying in general, but when it didn’t stop and was sounding more distressing that’s when I actually looked to see where it was coming from.

Roll on today, my son comes running into my bedroom saying that girl has been locked out again and she’s crying. Now I’m thinking this not a one off air bnb and this doesn’t seem right. Same as before, mum is in the house, girl is crying please let me in, mum then eventually let’s her back in.

Where I’m wavering is who do I call? My gut instinct is SS, or do I leave this family to discipline their child in the way they want ( even though she cries so loud most of us within a 10house radius can hear her ) whilst I’ve witnessed this twice in the space of 2 months, that’s not to say it hasn’t happened when I’ve been out.

They haven’t physically harmed her to my knowledge, and I supposed it’s an extreme version of a time out. Other than the foxes that are usually sunbathing on people’s deck chairs there is no chance of her getting taken, however if she was to get so distraught and Shuffled around she could fall down the metal stairs ( there is at least 10 steps).

OP posts:
Archway04 · 14/09/2019 15:28

I work for SS I would give SS a quick call they will assess if contact is needed, as already stated by some, other issues may have already be on record. No reason time out is not in the home , what if it continues in winter months. Or mother may just need a bit of support.

Pinkbonbon · 14/09/2019 15:40

Are people serious about calling ss for this? Lmao. Fs. Kids throw tantrums when they get told off, she isn't being abused, she's just being a four year old. Bloody lucky she's getting the naughty step and not a damn walloping like we would have got as kids tbh.

passionfruit11 · 14/09/2019 15:41

I have a Kurdish family who live on my street, and they regularly sit their child at the end of the drive with their back to the house. If the child moves, the mother hits them with a broom like what witches have with twigs on! This happens in all weathers. I'm not sure if it's cultural or not, but it's obviously their form of punishment and I've never thought to call SS.

What the actual fuck

newmumatschool · 14/09/2019 15:48

Well I honestly don't think the child is being "beaten", but I have gone and had a chat with my neighbours. They too have seen them and are of the same view as me, it's like a Halloween accessory, she's not whacking them with the wooden stick! I will however report it, and I'm not going to do it anonymously as I'd like some feedback if they do give it. They have lived here two years, the children are happy and healthy and go to school and are currently out playing as I type.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 14/09/2019 15:49

Whoever posted that about the kid on the drive being hit with a broom... yes that is definitely a call ss job. What the hell!!!

mrsed1987 · 14/09/2019 15:51

Ss will respond if there are other concerns about the child. Personally id ring and log it. Although of course you'd need a bit more information they the garden that is behind your house

BenWillbondsPants · 14/09/2019 15:53

Some of the replies on this thread are worrying.

nokidshere · 14/09/2019 16:03

My dd would have been distraught if I ever tried this. I can’t send her to her room for example as I have tried it a couple of times and you would think I’m threatening to kill her. She doesn’t deal with time out well.

I'd say she dealt with it perfectly. Kicked up such a stink you didn't do it again. Result.

OP you have no evidence that the child is being mistreated. It might not be ideal parenting but that doesn't make it abuse. If it were daily you might have cause for concern, or if she was outside shoeless and coatless in the snow, but that's not the case.

I've looked after many children over the past 40yrs and having screaming, prolonged, and distressing tantrums is certainly not unusual. There are some children who respond like this to the most simple of things. I once asked a 4yr old who was dancing round my living room if she'd like some music on and she tantrummed for well over an hour, in the end I told her to go out into the hall as I was fed up listening to it. Another child, aged 7, hid under my office desk sobbing and screaming for 40mins because I asked him to try a single Pea. I have many stories just like those.

LeZa · 14/09/2019 16:23

Without the information on the name of the child/family social services will not be able to take any action...they also would not be able to come out instantly....I would suggest (I work in this field) that you log down the dates that these have happened and next time it happens you call the police to attend....they will come out instantly and will manage the situation and refer to social services.

CottonSock · 14/09/2019 16:31

I've put mine in the front porch before. Not on the street though, that's a bit much.

Juells · 14/09/2019 16:33

Not on the street though, that's a bit much.

Street? I thought it was the back garden, was it not?

StockTakeFucks · 14/09/2019 17:31

DD would hysterically cry and hyperventilate at being told no, being told off or put on the time out step. Basically anything that meant she was in trouble or wasn't allowed to do what she wanted. I guess I should've just let her get on with it.Confused

purplepoop · 14/09/2019 18:00

If you want to report it, do so at the school. That is your 1st port of call. Not the police, not social.

TriciaH87 · 14/09/2019 18:06

I'd be concerned especially with the winter months coming up that this kind of punishment is extreme. Sending a child to their room is indoors. Personally I wouldn't lock my child outside and they have done some serious s**t in the past where I have been tempted by extreme measures but never used them nor would I.

MrMeSeeks · 14/09/2019 18:08

have a Kurdish family who live on my street, and they regularly sit their child at the end of the drive with their back to the house. If the child moves, the mother hits them with a broom like what witches have with twigs on! This happens in all weathers. I'm not sure if it's cultural or not, but it's obviously their form of punishment and I've never thought to call SS

Seriously? You don’t think this is abuse? Just because the kids look happy and are out playing does not mean they are being abused, clearly.

isadoradancing123 · 14/09/2019 18:15

I would keep out of it, its just an outside naughty step

1FineDane · 14/09/2019 18:20

they regularly sit their child at the end of the drive with their back to the house. If the child moves, the mother hits them with a broom like what witches have with twigs on! This happens in all weathers.

I really can't understand how the poster who observes this never thought to help the poor child? It doesn't matter where they're from! They're still little children who are being tortured, beaten and humiliated.

Fucking hell.

1FineDane · 14/09/2019 18:22

I'm so annoyed about that pathetic poster, can't remember their name. How could you be so cruel to observe this and NOT report it to someone?

God, you're making me want to vomit with anxiety. That's what that sort of abuse can do. Pathetic.

StillIRise87 · 14/09/2019 18:25

FGS! It would be an overreaction to call social services. The child is probably tantruming and the mum is trying to put space between her and the child so she can calm down and deal with the situation rationally. Child probably wont stay on the naughty step. I would mine your own business as the last thing this mother needs is social services interfering. My brother had the worst tantrums and as soon as he started throwing things my mum would put him in the garden to calm down. I dont see the big deal.
My toddler is always screaming don't push me or dont hit me! I am literally nowhere near him and have never hit or pushed him!!! If someone called SS I would be mortified!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/09/2019 18:30

the last thing this mother needs is social services interfering

You don’t know that. It could be the very thing she needs.

sailingclosetothewind · 14/09/2019 18:37

the last thing this mother needs is social services interfering
You don’t know that. It could be the very thing she needs

Of course, because what every mother needs, and can not do without is to be reported to SS every time they put their child in time out?? Confused

Supernanny doesn't seem to agree, as it was recommended on one of her shows. I am sure SS have nothing better to do than rush around the every family home whenever I child is placed outside to calm down.

danni0509 · 14/09/2019 18:38

I've called police on neighbours downstairs for them screaming at their little girl and the child choking sobbing and then screaming as if smacked periodically.

Ok so the parents screaming at the little girl isn't the best, but how do you know she was being smacked from how a scream sounded????

Jesus. Come to my house listen to my 5 year old in full swing you would think he was being tortured to death not smacked! I've never laid a finger on him and would be pissed off if someone phoned the police because they thought his screams sounded like he was being smacked Hmm

StillIRise87 · 14/09/2019 18:39

It the last thing anyone but abusive parents need. Under resourced, over stretched and only able to respond to emergencies. Social services really don't need their time taken up with this rubbish and there is nothing concerning in giving a child a time out. Utterly ridiculous and total busy-bodying!

sailingclosetothewind · 14/09/2019 18:41

I have never needed to put my four year old outside to calm down, but if I ever did I expect to be able to do so, if I feel that is the best way to handle the situation. It is not for you, or for anyone else to judge. The parents are caring for their child day in and day out, they are best placed to decide what is the right course of action. If the fresh air and change of scene helps calm the child, and they are able to return to reasonable conversation this is surely no bad thing. I often go outside if I feel my emotions getting the better of me.

It sounds like a small flat, so maybe she simply doesn't have a 'step' and this is the next best thing. She might be the worst mother in the world for all we know, however the fact she then opens the door and speaks calmly to her child afterwards, before they both head inside indicates that she is indeed dealing with it in a reasonable and considered manner.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/09/2019 18:44

Of course, because what every mother needs, and can not do without is to be reported to SS every time they put their child in time out??

Again, you don’t know what’s going on. There could be a need for support. She isn’t just putting the child in time out (Which btw 15 minutes for a 4 year old is almost 4 times longer than it should be)- she is locking her at the top of an external staircase that she would have to unlock the door to get to if the child started to climb or fall. It’s risky. You can’t deny that. At very least she needs some guidance on safer ways to do time out. SS are best placed to decide if support is needed. Not you, with almost zero information.