Abusers/ rapists. Do you knowingly associate with them?

[Thegullfromhull]

This is the question .
Following on from Geoffrey Boycott’s knighthood (which personally I’m appalled at), and thinking about other incidences in the public eye of influential people siding with perpetrators of violence/sexual violence , I’m interested to hear how other people deal with this in normal life.
Would you be friends with somebody convicted of rape? How about accused?
How about violence ? Domestic violence? Could you be friends with a man who had abused his partner? Could you date a man who had been accused of any of these things?
How about business? Would you do business with a man accused of any of the above if there was an alternative ? How about if it saved you plenty of money? Would you use his services as an accountant/ plumber/ gardener if he offered you 50% discount? 75% ?
Where do you draw your personal line in these matters?

Bumping ...

I wouldn’t knowingly speak to other anyone like that. But one of the nicest people I know was convicted of abusing his grandchildren. I obviously have nothing to do with him now but you don’t know what anyone’s up to until it ‘comes out’

Maybe move this to another board for more answers? It's not really an AIBU.

One of my friends' husband had sex with her while she was unconscious. This was also during a period of their lives where she didn't want sex in general.

To me, he is a rapist. But she is still with him so I associate with him socially for her sake. But when we are together it is all I can think about.

No but, my mother did.

Didn't see that you're a new user...

I don’t know what you want from this thread. Many of these people have friends and family.

Ooh sorry.
Aibu to ask where you draw your personal boundaries? Or something?
Apologies it was hard to word.
I namechanged to post something outing on another thread
I’m a regular poster and I ask a lot of questions.
What’s your point?

Not friends no, but have to put up with, sadly yes to some extent. Since his dw, my friend, stayed with him despite all the crap. To support her, i sometimes have to see him in her company at weddings etc.

Friends? Not a chance in hell. I fucking hate him.

She now pretends she never confessed to me and has made out to everyone else that he's such a nice guy, i won't associate with him and undoubtedly look the bitch but i don't care.

My point is that you sound like a journalist.

That doesn't mean you are, but you've asked a shit tonne of questions without answering any of them yourself.

Personally I would try not to.
It’s difficult if there’s only an accusation I guess.
But I certainly wouldn’t elevate the status of someone like Geoffrey Boycott like Teresa May has.

I dont believe people are all good or all bad. Everyone is a bit gray rather than black and white if that makes sense (. A good person can do a bad thing and a bad person a good thing. However I like to have friends who i can trust and who's morale i respect so if i knew someone was capable of those crimes i couldn't trust them enough to get close enough to them to call them a friend so no I wouldnt be friends with someone I knew had been convicted or that.

I also think I’d find it really hard, if a friend came to me and confided that her partner had abused her in some way. I’d find it hard to associate with him beyond the facade I’d have to maintain in order to keep her confidence.

Would you be friends with somebody convicted of rape?
No.

How about accused?
Highly unlikely but I suppose there are limited circumstances in which it might depend on the plausibility of the accusation.

How about violence?
Depends on the type and context of the violence. Getting caught up in a brawl outside a pub when young and stupid is something I could overlook if it was a one-off. Attacking someone randomly in the street is a whole different ball game, though.

Domestic violence?
No.

Could you be friends with a man who had abused his partner?
No.

Could you date a man who had been accused of any of these things
Almost certainly not but it would again depend on the plausibility of the accusation and whether there was any possibility it had been made maliciously - although obviously that is quite a rare occurrence, I did used to work for an organisation where I did see a couple of court cases where that had happened. But yeah, highly unlikely I'd go anywhere near them.

How about business? Would you do business with a man accused of any of the above if there was an alternative ? How about if it saved you plenty of money? Would you use his services as an accountant/ plumber/ gardener if he offered you 50% discount? 75% ?
Once again 'accused' and 'convicted' are not the same thing and there are limited circumstances were an accusation might be untrue, but if I thought there was even the tiniest chance that they were any kind of abuser then no, I wouldn't work with them however cheap their services were.

@Unknownanon I think that’s admirable of you.
Perhaps she’ll need you again one day

One of my closest friends was accused of rape, and it went to court. He wasn’t convicted, and I personally don’t believe he did it. We are still very close.

However, I will admit that I firmly advocate for always believing the victim when a rape accusation is made. But I couldn’t do that when it was my good friend.

Which presumably makes me a massive hypocrite.

I wish we could stop with the troll / journo hunting. I’ve been on mumsnet for lots of years .
In fact I’m so old I was on when it was invented !
I’m not a journalist. I worded a shit aibu. I namechanged because I’m about to post something outing on another thread.
Forgive me .

@SachaStark did you hear the evidence though and it presumably cleared his name?

I sat through the entirety of the court proceedings, yes.

@03Thegullfromhull i hate it i have to be honest and hope she does, but doubt she ever will. He's charming and manipulated her well.

I feel like a crap friend when i have to be civil to him. I suspect I'm not alone in having to support friends or family in this way, especially when they return to their abuser.

And @SachaStark you never had any doubts?

No, no and no. A tradesman in work took down one of the female employee's phone number (it was on the wall in the area he was working in - not anymore!) and sent her a few sleazy texts. Told him off and never used him again. Another made sleazy comments to staff...ditto.

Fucking hell 50Soon2BeMumof3 he is most definitely a rapist. You must be desperate for your friend.

To answer the question I would never be friends with someone convicted of a violent crime. If someone I cared about was accused I would stand by them assuming their innocence until I knew otherwise.

No @Unknownanon I’m sure this is really really common. I guess the problem is then that this has the potential to be an isolating situation for her if (and hopefully when) she decides to leave.
She may feel reluctant to approach people for help more than once. I guess a good friend just has to be there, regardless of how frustrating it feels. Probably the fact that you’ve got it mentally logged will be useful one day, even if she is suppressing it all now.

No, I have never thought that he did it. Thankfully, it was many years ago now, so it has gradually slipped away into memory for most of our social group now. He was very messed up for a long time afterwards, though. His name and address was printed in the local paper.

Like I said, in any other case, I would always say, “Believe the victims. You have to believe the victim whatever the circumstances.” Yet when it was my friend, and I didn’t have a single doubt in my mind, I could not believe the woman who accused him.