Abusers/ rapists. Do you knowingly associate with them?

[Thegullfromhull]

This is the question .
Following on from Geoffrey Boycott’s knighthood (which personally I’m appalled at), and thinking about other incidences in the public eye of influential people siding with perpetrators of violence/sexual violence , I’m interested to hear how other people deal with this in normal life.
Would you be friends with somebody convicted of rape? How about accused?
How about violence ? Domestic violence? Could you be friends with a man who had abused his partner? Could you date a man who had been accused of any of these things?
How about business? Would you do business with a man accused of any of the above if there was an alternative ? How about if it saved you plenty of money? Would you use his services as an accountant/ plumber/ gardener if he offered you 50% discount? 75% ?
Where do you draw your personal line in these matters?

@Racmactac I really hope karma bites all their arses.

Well done @Taggle
That was very brave of you

My oldest friend is dating a man who was convicted of abusing his teenage step daughter (we both know him from years back). I have put her on a limited profile on my fb, went v v low contact with her and made it very very clear he is not welcome in my home nor will i go to hers when he is there. Im disgusted that she would even consider being with him bit will also be there for her if (when) it all goes wrong.

Like I said I struggle with people who protect abusers but as other posters have mentioned, doing so puts you in a difficult position if the person doing the protecting and minimising is also a victim or even their victim.

How many people have I encountered that share my stance and demonstrate it? Probably also zero. It is not a black and white situation and of course it is not easy to navigate. My stance has caused me to cut off entire swathes of family and I am currently contemplating cutting off even more people which would basically leave me with less than 10 family members in my life.
The only exception I am making is for my mum who is still living with my dad.

The infractions aren't even anything I would call "serious" like child sex abuse. It runs the gamut from a touchy feely uncle to a verbally abusive brother in law to my physically abusive father.

To me it is enough because none of the people involved think there's anything wrong with what they did and nothing suggests to me that they would never do it again. I also extend the estrangement to those who enable the abusers. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing.

@Lentilbug personally I think you’re doing exactly the right thing but I know what you mean.

I also think you are doing the right thing. You have direct experience. (FWIW I have done similar - and only made myself more enemies unfortunately)

My doubts are with the virtue signalling on the basis of hearsay when these people often act completely differently when it might cost them something.

Yes I’ve seen that come into play too , disappointingly @CleopatraTomato.

No, no and no. I wouldn't be friends or associate with an abuser. I also refuse to associate with men who don't financially support their children.

I would never knowingly associate with rapist or work with them in any way.

I don't get to choose my clients. I've worked with murderers, rapists, child abusers and men who are DV perpetrators.

We have a rigorous risk assessment process and measures are always put in place to minimise risk to staff (GPS safety system with a one-button panic alarm, doubling up on appointments, meeting only in public places etc). We also never work with high risk clients who live anywhere near the worker's home, you really don't want to risk them finding out where you live.

It's tough sometimes, but you just have to maintain a professional detachment.

@lakielady you raise a good point.
Obviously plenty of people have no choice.
But I think what I meant with my line of questioning was more ‘would you use their services if you didn’t have to’ , eg walking an extra mile in the rain to get your daily coffee because you know the more local vendor is verbally abusive to his staff. Or refusing to get a cab with a particular firm because the owner was convicted of rape. Even if it meant you had to pay twice as much to get home. And so on.

And not even so much would you, as do you?

People like to use independent bookstores, frequent their local butcher for quality meat, boycott big stores accused of corporate tax evasion, speak out against the actions of celebrities and so on.
Yet still protect abusers and rapists in their local community. It’s a mystery to me.

I would have voluntary contact with someone who had raped or who had been violent, no, but I also have as little as possible to do with men- it is overwhelmingly men who do these things- as I do not trust men as a class. My intuitive reaction to men is that they generally would rape or harass or abuse given the chance.

You’ll never have people admit that they do on here but obviously lots and lots of people do because otherwise all rapists and abusers would be sad loners with no friends and no jobs.

Exactly

This is going to get me shot down - but, yes, I personally would give business to a (released from prison) convicted criminal. They still need to earn money

@aridane even a rapist?
Why??????

Specifically for the thread I’m talking perpetrators of domestic violence/abuse and rapists.

Well actually and the whole spectrum of sexual assault etc.

Sorry just catching up now. Me and my DH haven't argued about his uncle as he agrees that I am reasonable to not want him near my daughter. DHs view is that he believes his uncle is innocent and he has only ever know him to be a good man etc. but he accepts we will never know for sure and that I wouldn't want to be around him or have him near our kids.

It is more his family (MIL in particular) who believe the allegations were made up for compensation. I find this hard to believe but as I say I don't actually know the uncle that well. He's a bit of an odd chap and I don't feel that helped him with matters. There was no evidence against him, just very contradictory testimony but given how many people struggle to get convictions, I find it hard to just write it off as a miscarriage of justice. There's no point getting into an argument with MIL over it as he's her brother and she will never change her mind.

These sorts of issues are very hard to deal with I think as there are circumstances of false allegations. A guy my brother went to school with was charged with rape and sent to prison and the woman involved bragged that she had made it up. He was a eventually released but it had a significant impact on him and he lost his job etc. people who make up false allegations are awful as it makes it ten times harder for genuine victims.

I would refuse to have anything to do with man guilty of those offences.

However I once helped draft a statement for his solicitor for a man who had been accused of sexual assault. I didn't know him very well (I was recruited by a friend) but by the time I'd finished typing up his very comprehensive account I was convinced of his innocence.

He was cleared in court. It later emerged that she'd accused two further men of rape and one had committed suicide. The police told my friend that they now had a high index of suspicion of any allegations she might make. They even spoke to the landlord of his local to endorse him after she'd marched in and accused my friend of rape subsequent to the case.

I'm now close friends with the wrongly accused man. His attitude to women is respectful, as was revealed in his long statement. I would normally always believe victims but there are - very rare - disturbed people who invent attacks. However there are false reports of other crimes. It's not a problem unique to sex offences.

I was abused sexually by a family member and of the few people that know only one of them avoids all contact.

That’s devastating for you @winderland18
Have you called them out on why? Is it just because they’re family and stick together?

@Thegullfromhull they aren’t really related themselves (different parents sides) which is the kicker, I’ve been told it’s to save face because I never went to the police and would rather not tell my siblings about it and they would rather respect my decision to keep quiet than make an excuse not to do the visits with my siblings.

God knows, I opened up after a little trauma gave me flashbacks and I guess only the one who didn’t have reason to be involved with the person has stayed away.

It's a bit off topic but I once received a vile racist joke from a client. I had my own tiny business and could ill afford to lose a client but after taking a deep breath I told him never to send me any more racist crap.

I lost the client but I could sleep easy.

I'm not aware of knowing anyone who has been convicted of a sexual offence. I would ostracize them if I did. However I do not have anything to do with the various men I know of who have been guilty of domestic violence. Luckily none of them are still living with the women they beat so I don't face the awkward situation PPs have described.

@Winderland18 if your siblings are old enough perhaps you should let them know.
To protect them and also so they can support you. Abuse thrives with secrecy. I feel for you, really . People can be such dicks.