Abusers/ rapists. Do you knowingly associate with them?

[Thegullfromhull]

This is the question .
Following on from Geoffrey Boycott’s knighthood (which personally I’m appalled at), and thinking about other incidences in the public eye of influential people siding with perpetrators of violence/sexual violence , I’m interested to hear how other people deal with this in normal life.
Would you be friends with somebody convicted of rape? How about accused?
How about violence ? Domestic violence? Could you be friends with a man who had abused his partner? Could you date a man who had been accused of any of these things?
How about business? Would you do business with a man accused of any of the above if there was an alternative ? How about if it saved you plenty of money? Would you use his services as an accountant/ plumber/ gardener if he offered you 50% discount? 75% ?
Where do you draw your personal line in these matters?

I hear what you’re saying regarding innocent until proven guilty. But equally there are two sides to every story, not all accusations are true or as black and white as one person being wrong and another right. I wouldn’t want to condemn an innocent person any more than I would want to discredit a real victim. Unfortunately when there’s no evidence you can never know for sure what has happened which is why I would probably go with my gut. And if my gut said that a person was innocent (Eg: my DP who obviously I don’t think would be capable of a violent crime or I wouldn’t have had children with him) and there was no evidence to suggest otherwise I would stand by that person.

When you are in an abusive relationship, it is a massive relief if your friends can act in a friendly way to your partner, even if they disapprove of him and / or hate him. I am always grateful to friends who love me enough to do this, and I also do it for my friend’s who I know are also in abusive relationships. In terms of rape, it should be clear cut but it isn’t. I have had so many bad experiences with men that I actually think nearly all men are not really to be trusted but superficially, I am still friendly to most of them. I think I am tired and a bit down tonight, but seriously men in general, not as a whole, are starting to disgust me. So many many stories of abuse of some kind, on here, in the papers, personal and friend’s experiences. I am starting to think WTAF.

I'm struggling with what one poster said, that all rape victims should be believed. They should all be heard and they should be believed to an extent but surely there are liars out there? Women/Men who are being vindictive and trying for whatever reason to ruin someone's life too?

I still can’t do links on an iPad, but Google rapecrisis.org.uk and look at the stats for the number of rapes reported and the number of rape convictions. Then compare it to the number of prosecutions for making false allegations. I accept that false allegations may occasionally happen, but it is rare. This is not something that happens regularly. There seems to be a belief that if someone is found Not Guilty, then their accuser was clearly fabricating everything. This is bollocks.

I know @mummadeeze

1.7 % of rapes reported in England and Wales lead to prosecution

That was the figure for 2018, according to
The independent. 1.7% , down on the 3.3% of the previous year.

From the article :
"Last year the most common outcome for rape cases was listed as “victim does not support action” (40 per cent), followed by other “evidential difficulties”, no suspect being identified and prosecution “not in the public interest”.

Campaigners have warned that increasing numbers of victims are dropping complaints after being asked to give police their mobile phones for examination, or allow blanket access to health records and other personal information"

1.7% of around 57000 reported rapes.
I cannot fathom ‘not in the public interest’.

NC for this - my brother went to prison for child sex offences. He groomed and had sexual contact with a 15 year old. He did 18 months in prison and is on the sex offenders register. He has been out for a while now, maybe 5 years and I still don't really know how I feel about it. I haven't seen him since just before he was sentenced, but we live a long way apart and didn't see that much of each other before, although we were very close growing up. I haven't done a definitive "that's it, I don't want to see you" but neither have I made any effort to see him, or said anything like "you are still my brother and you deserve the chance to rebuild your life". My mum thinks he has paid his debt to society and still sees him regularly. My dad won't have anything to do with him and same goes for our other two siblings.
I would find it easy to blank an acquaintance or stop using a business etc. There is a lot to process when someone close is accused or convicted of a crime. I spent my childhood looking up to him so have a lot of confused feelings now.

@neverevernever that’s really tough on your family. Are your mum and dad still together, despite their differing viewpoints ?

@Thegullfromhull Yes they are still together, they argue bitterly about it and then don't mention it for months on end. DM gets the bus approx 2 hrs each way to go and visit him because DF won't drive her there or have him in their house.
Even before considering his victim, I am furious with him for what it's done to our family.

We also need to look at what people perceive as false accusations.

A not guilty verdict doesn't necessarily mean the victim was lying.
The case not going to court doesn't mean the victim was lying.
The victim dropping charges doesn't mean she was lying.
The victim not reporting it,but talking about it in private circles doesn't mean she's lying.
Having contact with their abuser after doesn't mean she's lying.
Behaving in a certain way (either too detached/cold or going wild) that goes against what people think she should behave like,doesn't mean she's lying.
I could go on.

Yes @StockTakeFucks I really agree with that.

The fact is you don't really know anyone, not really. So we all could be married to, the best friend of, the whatever to an abuser.

The man that abused me (when I was a child) had a huge social and family network, lots of friends and a great life. He probably still has. Is it right? No. But I can't change it.

The truth is we all more than likely do have relationships with people that do awful things, we just don't realise.

@classictracks yes but my question was more ‘knowingly’.
Looking at the statistics for rape above, I’m sure you’re very right.

yes but my question was more ‘knowingly

Well that's me shut down then.
Sorry for replying. :(

Oh no @classictracks I just meant well yes, for sure I totally agree with you on your point. Looking at the stats for rape and abuse convictions I’m pretty certain this is the case. Just that lots of people have stated that well, these men are everywhere. Which I don’t doubt for a second. Just that I’m more interested in the complexities of the situation when you know?
I’m sorry if I offended you, it wasn’t my intention at all. Just that lots of people have responded in a similar way but it wasn’t the original question.