C section regret

[cockcrowfarm]

Long before I got pregnant even I've been looking forwards to the experience of giving birth. Unfortunately my baby was breech so I was recommended a csection. I found a hospital that would give me the chance to try for a natural birth. The baby was estimated to be less than 3kg, my pelvis is big enough etc so they said I was a good candidate for vaginal birth.

I had some mild cramping on Friday night (I thought caused by a curry!) which got progressively stronger through the night … Around 10 am I woke my partner and timed the contractions they were 5-6 minutes apart and 40-50 seconds long so we headed to the hospital. The doctor said I was about 6cm and put me on a machine to monitor the contractions for a bit. During this time my water broke.

My usual doctor wasn't on duty and the other doctor told me that the hospital was busy and none of the doctors wanted to deliver a breech. There was no point to continue the labor as I was going to have a csection in the end. They told me it is very dangerous to deliver breech and basically put some pressure on me to sign the consent form for csection.

I had the operation at 2 pm and it went well, despite my sobbing and shaking all the way through. They said next time If everything is ok I will be able to try vaginal birth. I am very upset about the csection, I'm crying now writing this. It would be different if it was an emergency section, I feel confident that I could have delivered the baby and at least wanted the chance to try. Up until that point at least labour was progressing well.

Of course recovery time was uncomfortable and now I can't feel my belly and worry that I'll never feel it again. Yesterday, a woman on a group chat had a baby and my first reaction was a huge wave of jealousy because I didn't get the chance to try and probably won't in the future. I want another child but I doubt it is a possibility because I am almost 42, I feel like I lost my only opportunity.

I know IABU, please give me advice on how I can get over this. I am not usually a jealous person and I don't want to become bitter about it.

I'm with tuba. Why are we buying into this whole 'real woman' schizz?

'I was expecting this, I (allowed myself to) believe that'. In reality, given that nature, and medicine (thank god for many) weighed in.

The woman didn't fail, the baby didn't fail, but they may have failed to live up to artificially constructed, misogynistic, and other women constructed 'norms'.

I mean, who, as a child, yearns for a natural, vaginal delivery of a baby? All they ever wanted?

Why do we do this to ourselves?

And, yerbum- who promised you that? Your dad? Your Prince Charming? NCT? Society?

You (figuratively) are not a child. Why do we believe this promise, rather than recognise that childbirth is often not nice. It's, at best, agonising and messy. At worst, results in two deaths.

A tiny part of me wonders how many women feeling 'robbed' of a 'natural childbirth', given that most 'natural' (i.e. vaginal) childbirths involve hours and hours, pain like you wouldn't believe, defaecation, drugs, epidurals, tearing; then sitting on a pad for days leaking all sorts, followed by stress incontinence, at best, in later life- would really opt for that over a CS?

I've only read a handful of posts but immediately I want to recommend seeing someone about potentially having pnd.

And I promise, you've missed nothing having a vaginal birth, I did both mine and it was painful and distressing and I hated it.

take it easy!

Why do we believe this promise, rather than recognise that childbirth is often not nice.
Yes, the problem is the lies that women are being fed. It’s natural, your body knows what to do, women have been having babies for millions of years, you can just breathe your baby out, positive thinking will help with the pain, etc. The truth is, “natural” is a high mortality rate for both mums and babies. Of course some women give birth easily - they’re the ones who would have survived. Those (like me) who need more help or surgery would have died. I do wonder if it’s about not wanting to “scare” women by telling them the truth about how childbirth doesn’t always go well.

Focus more on outcome (healthy you, healthy baby) than process (how your baby was delivered). It will help you keep things in perspective. The numbness will pass. The most important thing is that you have a healthy baby and are well enough to enjoy your baby.

OP I completely understand where you are coming from even though by Dd1 was born nearly 18 years ago. One small thing that made a lot of difference to me was that an older midwife said to me that when I had a CS I became a Mother - you chose to do something for your baby not for yourself. I know you think that the doctors put pressure on you but if you look at what you wrote just prior to those words that is where the truth is - the doctors refused to deliver by breach because it was too dangerous. The reality really is that you actually did have an emergency section, highly trained people assessed the situation and said this was what was required for you and your baby's safety. I wish you and your baby all the very best.

OP I had what you wanted- two perfect deliveries with gas and air, textbook. But I’m still disappointed. Why? Both births went from having a show to birth in 3 hours for dc1 and and 2 hour 40 on dc2. I had mild contractions 30 minutes before delivery, that just rolled into one long contraction, my waters being broken as I delivered, and 2/3 pushes and I gave birth. But I feel like I haven’t experience ‘labour’ like other women. I didn’t get to have my waters go, time my contractions for hours watching them get closer, having baths the ease the pain, and so on. As it was so quick. But that’s just my little bit of regret, because the main thing is I delivered two healthy babies. It doesn't matter if they come out of the sunroof or through the shoot- it is still a delivery, which is the most amazing experience in the world. You grew a tiny human for 9 months and safely delivered him, now that is amazing.

My neighbour has a son the same age as me, he is severely disabled after she had a vaginal delivery when he was breech, and he became stuck. It was the biggest fear in my head at the end of my pregnancy. Especially with Ds2 who was breach at 37 weeks, luckily after spending many hours on all fours he flipped one evening (and that was more painful than labour!) and got himself in the right position.

I had an EMC and was gutted but something my husband said in between my sobs has always stayed with me: "the end goal is a healthy mum and baby". So long as Your baby was delivered safely and is doing well and you're healing nicely, that's all that matters. I kinda know how you're feeling though- my sister went to town regaling me on how easy her two natural births were, etc. and I remember feeling like a failure. The feeling soon passed though (because my sister is toxic). How are you feeling in yourself? Could you have PND? Could you have a post-birth briefing session at your hospital? I had major jealousy towards other mums who had easy babies- mine has kept me on my toes since he was born.

I always thought I’d have a lovely natural water birth. Had the picture in my mind. Looked into hypno birthing etc.

As it happened, after a very very long labour with dd1 I decided to have an epidural. Ended up with a ventouse delivery and an episiotomy. Dd had to be resuscitated and it was all a bit traumatic.

Dd2 tried again for my pictured natural birth. Got to hospital in labour to be told that baby was breech. I made the decision to have a c section. It wasn’t what I wanted, but after dd1s traumatic delivery I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if anything had gone wrong because of the choice I’d made.

I have two beautiful, healthy dds and that is what matters. They are much older now, but I still feel a little cheated if I think about it that I never got the natural birth I’d pictured. It doesn’t matter though.

It doesn’t make you any les did a woman or a mother. What is important is that your baby is here and you are both safe and well. You don’t know how things would have gone if you’d have decided to deliver naturally, it is far more risky to deliver breech, even more so for a first pregnancy.
You made the right choice.

Also my stomach felt numb for a while afterwards. I doesn’t last forever. Go easy on yourself. Focus on the positives and enjoy your little one.

I didn't have a birth plan and wasn't thinking about any romantic, whale song, two om's and out kind of a birth. I am pretty flexible, the only thing that i didnt want was an elective csection. I don't have pnd, or ptsd i just need to talk when i have these feelings and im sure it will pass/fade given time.

I was a low risk pregnancy and had a normal vaginal birth in November. The labour itself was straightforward but unfortuanatly she died (they think it was a cord accident in the last 20 mins). I know you feel cheated but I would do anything to have her with me so try and forget about how your baby arrived and be happy you have them x

I knew someone who was a midwife, years ago. A mutual friend was expecting and her baby was breech. She was offered the choice of a CS or VB. she was contemplating the latter, and turned to our friend, the midwife, for advice. She didn’t give a view either way, but did say something along the lines of all her years delicious veering babies, the most awful and saddest outcomes, in terms of injury to both mum and baby, were from breech births and she’d never choose to have one. I’ve never forgotten it.

Op, if you could turn back time, knowing what you know now (you and baby are physically ok), would you opt for a VB? With the uncertainty that goes with it?

Beth. I’m so sorry for the loss of your little girl. Xx

Delicious veering babies? Goodness. Delivering babies. Sorry.

Aw love you OP. You will learn to live with this. Once your baby is doing lovely things which is quite quick after birth, you'll see that the birthing part is such a small part of being a mum.

You say you feel confident that you would have been able to deliver the baby yet it was breech so, in reality, you probably wouldn’t have been able to deliver the baby. It would have been an extremely difficult birth and most medical staff are not well practiced in delivering breech babies. I’m not surprised they didn’t want to do it.

Sorry I didn't read the previous comments, just OPs original post and then hit reply. I've just seen a few recent posts and wanted to clarify my comment. I am not being insensitive.

Hi OP I haven't RTFT but I wanted to add that I have had an emergency section and felt exactly as you did for a while. Then I finally realised that it made not one bit of difference in my child's life at all and I managed to get over it. I did go on to have a VBAC and as predicted, it was tremendously painful and I now have scarring from that too. Having had the vaginal birth too, it didn't make me feel in any way like the EMCS was less valid or like I hadn't done it right. It only confirmed to me that I had 2 babies that I worked bloody hard for to bring into this world safely.

'Mmm, I understand the argument if its just about ensuring fully informed consent. But a 41 year old first timer with a breech baby and no attendant available with experience and skills at breech delivery is an excellent reason to strongly recommend ELCS.'

Agree entirely

And mine were both breech and turned by ECV. The professionals are correct, natural breech births are now very uncommon and a lot would not want to have to deal with it when they believe there's a safer option for you.

My cousin has hip displasia which was because of her being a breech birth. She came bum first and it messed u her hips forever. She's 32 and in pain daily. It may or may not have happened to yours but things like that do happen with breech vaginal birth so I'd try and focus on the positives of the birth if you can.
I feel strongly that they should listen to you but if no doctor is willing to do it there's a reason, they probably didn't want to be sued if your baby ended up with lasting damage such as my cousin.

When you become a parent you realise that you come second in absolutely everything. You will do priorise their needs and should they ever be ill (I hope not) but you would trade anything to swap with them and to take their suffering). You have already Learnt this first hand, the safest option for your baby was a C section at the sacrifice or YOUR desire to have a normal delivery. Your babies needs came first over yours. This will not be the last time.

I understand your upset my try and talk this through and with time you will get perspective

To PPs who are happy you had a c section and you can't understand why anyone would want a vaginal birth. Well, bully for you but that's not the OP's situation so I'm not sure how it's relevant?

To the "most important thing is mum and baby are healthy" brigade. Do you honestly think that hasn't crossed the OP's mind? It's not exactly a groundbreaking concept. I'm sure this was the priority for her, as it is for virtually all of us. Hence why she accepted the c section rather than going off to free birth in the woods.

If you genuinely can't empathise or understand, maybe don't post? Everyone is always going on about mental health these days and how important it is yet when a new mum in an isolated position posts her very valid and normal feelings after birth some PPs think it's ok to criticise her and tell her she's wrong for feeling how she does.

OK, this is when I tend to lose patience and compassion.

Here's a novel idea. Maybe it's not that helpful for you to post then? The OP hasn't suggested she's going to file a lawsuit against the hospital. Literally all she has done is post about how she's feeling on a public forum for parents. Is that really so unreasonable?

I wish you'd been better prepared for the fact there was a good chance, even with aiming for a vaginal breach delivery. That you'd end up requiring a C-section. You deserved plenty of time to get your head around it, to help you avoid feeling how you do.

But please remember, you went through major abdominal surgery, whilst awake, in order to ensure your child came into the world safely. That's a wonderful thing that you should be proud of. You put your wants aside for your baby's needs and that's something amazing and makes you a wonderful Mother.

I had a c section bc baby was breech. We were all geared up for a natural birth in the lovely birthing suite with the lovely private midwives we'd paid for to avoid the ancient local hospital with a dubious rep. Went to a 'top baby turner'. Didn't happen ( baby still stubborn years later). I felt very disappointed and it was easier for me than for you because no one wanted to touch a breech birth pv in my case.

I really do understand your feelings, it's early days to be rational yet. But soonish I felt relieved.It helped that I had no problems from the c sec, I took liberal amounts of pain killers and was totally fine physically.

I'm in no way saying 'bully for me' or 'pull yourself together' just telling you I felt something similar but the sad feelings got a lot better.

I might have had a quick, 'easy' delivery or it might have been a nightmare. Some close friends had nightmares (which were ok in the end) which, in an admittedly selfish way, helped/helps me feel better.