C section regret

[cockcrowfarm]

Long before I got pregnant even I've been looking forwards to the experience of giving birth. Unfortunately my baby was breech so I was recommended a csection. I found a hospital that would give me the chance to try for a natural birth. The baby was estimated to be less than 3kg, my pelvis is big enough etc so they said I was a good candidate for vaginal birth.

I had some mild cramping on Friday night (I thought caused by a curry!) which got progressively stronger through the night … Around 10 am I woke my partner and timed the contractions they were 5-6 minutes apart and 40-50 seconds long so we headed to the hospital. The doctor said I was about 6cm and put me on a machine to monitor the contractions for a bit. During this time my water broke.

My usual doctor wasn't on duty and the other doctor told me that the hospital was busy and none of the doctors wanted to deliver a breech. There was no point to continue the labor as I was going to have a csection in the end. They told me it is very dangerous to deliver breech and basically put some pressure on me to sign the consent form for csection.

I had the operation at 2 pm and it went well, despite my sobbing and shaking all the way through. They said next time If everything is ok I will be able to try vaginal birth. I am very upset about the csection, I'm crying now writing this. It would be different if it was an emergency section, I feel confident that I could have delivered the baby and at least wanted the chance to try. Up until that point at least labour was progressing well.

Of course recovery time was uncomfortable and now I can't feel my belly and worry that I'll never feel it again. Yesterday, a woman on a group chat had a baby and my first reaction was a huge wave of jealousy because I didn't get the chance to try and probably won't in the future. I want another child but I doubt it is a possibility because I am almost 42, I feel like I lost my only opportunity.

I know IABU, please give me advice on how I can get over this. I am not usually a jealous person and I don't want to become bitter about it.

Your baby is healthy and you are healthy.

They did what they thought was best for you and your baby and while it may not have been what you wanted, surely you can acknowledge that if you’d continued to labour, you would’ve ended up with a C-Section anyway?

I wouldn’t worry too much OP. You’re still ‘coming down’ from the intensity and drama of the labour and that makes a lot of people very emotional.

Births happen in so many different ways and while you’re doing it, it seems like the biggest deal in the world. Now you’ve got your baby, this is just the beginning! The labour/birth will fade into insignificance with time- I don’t even remember the labour of my kids and I was in the hospital for over a day.

I know so many women who have nearly died in vaginal birth. It could’ve saved your life and your baby’s life.

I think it's ok to be angry, or upset or any of these feelings. Yes you have a baby (hurrah) but at the moment the fact is the delivery was an unexpected trauma and it's ok to treat it as such.

I had an emergency C-section as my baby was also breech but they didn't find out until they saw her bottom - suddenly the medicalisation of the process, of being fitted with wires and beeping monitors and the becoming a medical problem rather than a person was hugely traumatic, it took me quite a long time to process and come to terms with. Being pleased you have a baby doesn't get rid of the fact you've been through a trauma. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to have these feelings. They will fade in time.

I had a c section too. It was( imo) forced on me because I think it was the easy choice vs the one I wanted. I agreed to it because it was more important for the baby to be delivered safely vs the experience.

I had ivf and since the conception wasn't natural I wanted everything else to be .

That said 18m later I still feel a bitter sense of loss- like I was robbed of the full female mother experience. I'm also 42 so it does feel like I won't get a second chance

I'm not sure if there are support groups in your country ? Might be the first place to start to help unpack what you're feeling.

OP my experience wasn't quite the same but I felt the medical interventions were done to me without proper consent. I had a debriefing and now understand why it happened the way that it did. If I have another baby I know to make it very very very clear to everyone they have to explain things properly too me because it's bad for my mental health when I don't feel I have autonomy over my own body.
Over time both the physical and mental scars have healed and I have an adorable baby.
You'll get there but you really need to talk about it. Hugs

It's ok to think about it and important to talk about it. It's ok to feel the way you feel. Just know that after a time it will stop mattering so much to you, which might give you some relief while you cope with these feelings.
It's hard managing all this and a newborn...be kind to yourself.

Its perfectly understandable feeling disappointed to not get the birth you envisaged. But equally remember there is no extra reward for having a natural birth. I had a natural birth and I hated every bloody second of it, have tried my best to forget it ever since.

Breech deliveries are significantly riskier though, a CS is almost always the route taken in the UK. Years ago breech babies died, as did some Mother’s. The c-section was by far the safest and most effective route.

I’ve never particularly understood the desire to birth vaginally so probably the wrong person to ask but in a few years you will barely even think of the birth.

I have some local chat groups with new mothers but I haven't met anyone yet, I only moved here a week before the baby was born. It's so good to read your responses and different perspectives. I have 6 week check up coming up soon so I will speak to my doctor then.

Honestly, you have to let this go. You and your baby are well. The birth is just a thing you go through to have a baby.
I had a c section first and ‘natural’ second. Trust me, neither was a walk in the park during or after.
Maybe it’s worth talking to your HV if this is still upsetting you. It’s an emotional time and it’s always good to talk things through in person.

OP, really sorry you ended up having a CS when you didn’t want one. You say you were confident you could “deliver” the baby. You really have no way of knowing this. It’s not common for doctors to deliver by vaginal breech and as your doctor wasn’t on duty you would have been taking a significant risk insisting that a doctor who wasn’t confident or experienced about a vaginal breech should still attempt one.

Parenting requires sacrifice and this was your first sacrifice for your child and you literally bear the scar of it. If you’re concerned about the lack of feeling around your tummy, check that with your doctor and find out if there’s anything that can be done about it.

Enjoy the time with your healthy baby and be proud of yourself and the safe start you gave your child. Focus on healing yourself physically and getting to know your baby, you’re getting into the fun stage as they get more interactive!

Are there any baby groups you can join?

You should have listened to the initial advice and got your head around it. I had a planned c section as my baby was breach. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter as long as you have a healthy child and safe delivery.

I just wanted to say that nearly 5 years ago I felt exacy as you did, giving birth as naturally as possible was my only goal in life, I'd been looking forward to it since I was child. Midwives realised my son was breech at 37 weeks and couldn't be turned. Luckily the Dr's at the city hospital Id planned to deliver at we're happy for me to try a vaginal delivery (other local hospitals always recommend Cs). I went into labour one day before due date and gave birth to my son feet first in theater with an epidural, forceps and episiotomy. I felt like I'd won the birth lottery by avoiding Cs.
Two years later my second son was born after a very long, painful back to back labour without pain relief. I refused any as I felt robbed of "feeling the full birth experience" (as I'd had to have an epidural for the breech birth incase they needed to do an emergency Cs).
It's only years afterwards that I realise just how lucky I was. I can see now it was my own stubborn selfishness for wanting a natural delivery that I placed my baby and myself in such potential danger the first time around. I spoilt the second birth by not accepting pain relief, it was torture, I couldn't enjoy it for the experience I wanted it to be. I had miscarriages previous to this, why didn't I just take the safest, easiest option instead of being so set on the "perfect birth"?!!
Now I'm just so so grateful for having two healthy children. It doesn't matter how they arrived in the world. All births are different because all babies are unpredictable. As your baby gets older and meets milestones the birth will lose importance but I can understand why it is still upsetting for you. The important thing is that you now get to enjoy raising your child.

You made the best decision you made at the time.

As long as you were trying to make a good decision then you made the right decision.

Friend told me that years ago. It's wise.

Your hormones are all over the place. Not to say your feelings aren't real, but they are going to lead you to believing things that make no sense. Talk this thru with people in real life to avoid that.

You will regain the feeling in your belly but may take a while. Below my belly button was numb for nearly a year, it just depends on how long it takes the nerves to heal.
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. The baby was breech and it’s widely agreed cs is safest for a breech baby. Baby is healthy, cs really isn’t the worst thing. I had 1 cs and went on to have a vbac and lots of women have successful vbacs after cs.

Sorry you feel that way op
But at least the baby survived and has not been Brian damaged and at least you won’t have a 4th degree tear or bladder prolapses etc
Cs are a lot better in many ways
You will feel better in time I’m sure

My baby was breech, they didn't find out until 20 minutes before the birth, and they delivered him with forceps and an episiotomy in the operating theatre, where they had taken me for a C section. He didn't breathe alone for ten minutes. It was far scarier than a C section would have been. I know that you are disappointed and upset, but the doctors didn't want to deliver a breech baby because it is difficult, and it is dangerous for the baby. All the time it takes to deliver the head, the cord is squashed. Please just be glad your baby was born without the difficulties he might have had at birth, had they agreed to a vaginal delivery.

@cockcrowfarm I was like you and desperately wanted a natural delivery but after 2 emergency c sections (1st (big) baby was coming in on an angle and 2nd (equally big!) got his shoulders stuck in my pelvis) I was told to have a planned c section. I lied about the date of my last period for my 3rd child but she was still showing no signs of coming a week over her actual due date. I sobbed my way through that c section even though baby(another biggie) would never have been born naturally due to a short cord being attached very high up.

It took me about 15 years to get over the feelings of being a failure as a mother because I hadn't given birth 'properly' even though the logical part of my brain knew that babies and/or me could have died each time without the section. Luckily I was able to breastfeed each child for a year or more which helped me feel like a 'proper' mother but the failure haunted me.

I can't offer any words of wisdom to help you 'get over' your feelings - nothing worked for me except time. Congratulations by the way on the birth of your healthy baby!!! Hope you are enjoying lots of cuddles and snuggles xx

@LaidbackLibra what you said is so true.

My girl, I almost made a vaginal delivery, 10 cm and pushing , I really wanted that experience. Then her heartbeat started to drop and she was in distress. That's when they realised her cord was round her neck at least twice and she wasnt descending. Emergency c section and I thank all the stars in heaven they did that. Yes, the cord fact meant I couldn't have the birth I had dreamed of, but it could all have ended so so badly. It will get much better with time. I was 43 when I had her, so no other chances either. But when you focus on her, and your hormones are more how they should be, you will be more sensible and know it was for the best and the best is having her alive and well with mummy.

Birth trauma can manifest from lots of different things. Too much pain, long labours, complications. Often though it’s just feeling completely out of control which is what you had. Delivering a breech baby is dangerous which is why you were refused by other doctors before you found one that agreed. He was obviously more experienced at it so felt confident but if your baby was born with serious complications or fatality then trust me the first person you would be blaming was the doctor. The other doctors were obviously not prepared to go ahead unless it was absolutely necessary. You didn’t have the birth you wanted but you had the birth your baby needed. I do completely understand your feelings and think that you need to perhaps speak with councillor too come to terms with it.

I don’t really understand the drive for a “ perfect” birth... it’s such a competitive arena to put yourself. Why must you not have pain relief when it’s available? Why is that better? I’m genuinely curious. I was always incredibly pragmatic about delivery and what I would want and although I gave birth vaginally it was incredibly long ( 36 hours labouring and vomiting throughout) and my DD was only born with a great deal of medical intervention. What I can sympathise with is the feeling of not being able to let go of certain issues which in my case related to the poor quality of care I received on the maternity ward. Once I returned to work I discussed this with a psychologist that I knew at the time. She said that for me the experience on the ward was all part of the trauma of the birth. She was setting up practice to specialise in Birth Trauma ( in London). It seems reasonable to me that if one exists in London that there will be other psychologists also interested in this area of work. I didn’t have formal counselling with her but I was able to understand certain things better. My sister had a CS and although she would have died without it still feels a lingering regret that she did not get to experience a vaginal delivery.

Congratulations on your baby, I’m another one who had a very traumatic natural birth which has meant I can’t have more any children and my DC and I both have ongoing problems as a result (8 years later). The doctors made the best decision for me and DC at the time and I accept that, we are both alive and it could have been very different.

It’s just appalling that women are made to feel like ‘failures’ for having CS with babies that are breech, too big, stuck.

Where is this idea coming from?

It just down to idiosyncrasies of our bodies/babies. It’s no more a ‘failure’ than getting a disease is a ‘failure’.

It's really helping me to put some perspective on it reading some of your experiences and advice. This is the first time I have talked to anyone about it and had a good cry. Thank you all for sharing

I had a c-section. Unplanned. I was a first time (only time) mum of 43 years old and I'd read all the birth books. So my bag had all the music, snacks, change of clothes for me and baby (and DH). A few hours in it was decided a c-section was safer so everything went out of the window.

Then it turned out DS had a heart condition which hadn't been picked up during scans so the idea of a day in hospital and me serenely showing everyone our new born also went out of the window. At two weeks old DS had a heart procedure and I was sitting in a hospital with DH watching over him (nursing an c-section wound infection and constipation!) God I was a mess.

For quite a while afterwards I detested women who'd had a vaginal birth. At our parent and baby group I used to hear all the stories of how many hours they'd laboured, birth room stories but had a lot of support for our story. It didn't make me feel much better though - I wanted that vaginal birth that I'd been 'promised' by all those books!

Then I got talking to some women who had had c-sections, a woman who'd had her baby very, very early whilst she was away from home (!) so baby had been incubated at birth, women who'd been nursing tears or cuts from the birth and I realised that there weren't actually many women I knew who had that 'serene birth' I'd craved. Then I started feeling better.

Now DS is 12 years old I still sometimes think 'what if' when I hear vaginal birth stories. BUT I've realised that, with DS's unknown heart problem, there is a small chance that he'd have been very poorly if he'd had to go through a long labour. So I believe a c-section saved his life and that's the important thing. Your c-section may have done the same - a breech birth is hard (as I understand it) and no matter how many children you've given birth to, you really don't know all the complications or how you'd get through it. You may have felt you could handle it but birth changes very quickly from going well to critically dangerous. Better they admitted they didn't have the skills than let you or baby be in danger.

You will feel better. It's fine to feel like this, it's like a lot of things that don't quite work out right in life, you have to work through it, mourn it, work through it then file it away eventually. But it's OK to feel hard done by with the birth itself. Your brain has to digest all this.