C section regret

[cockcrowfarm]

Long before I got pregnant even I've been looking forwards to the experience of giving birth. Unfortunately my baby was breech so I was recommended a csection. I found a hospital that would give me the chance to try for a natural birth. The baby was estimated to be less than 3kg, my pelvis is big enough etc so they said I was a good candidate for vaginal birth.

I had some mild cramping on Friday night (I thought caused by a curry!) which got progressively stronger through the night … Around 10 am I woke my partner and timed the contractions they were 5-6 minutes apart and 40-50 seconds long so we headed to the hospital. The doctor said I was about 6cm and put me on a machine to monitor the contractions for a bit. During this time my water broke.

My usual doctor wasn't on duty and the other doctor told me that the hospital was busy and none of the doctors wanted to deliver a breech. There was no point to continue the labor as I was going to have a csection in the end. They told me it is very dangerous to deliver breech and basically put some pressure on me to sign the consent form for csection.

I had the operation at 2 pm and it went well, despite my sobbing and shaking all the way through. They said next time If everything is ok I will be able to try vaginal birth. I am very upset about the csection, I'm crying now writing this. It would be different if it was an emergency section, I feel confident that I could have delivered the baby and at least wanted the chance to try. Up until that point at least labour was progressing well.

Of course recovery time was uncomfortable and now I can't feel my belly and worry that I'll never feel it again. Yesterday, a woman on a group chat had a baby and my first reaction was a huge wave of jealousy because I didn't get the chance to try and probably won't in the future. I want another child but I doubt it is a possibility because I am almost 42, I feel like I lost my only opportunity.

I know IABU, please give me advice on how I can get over this. I am not usually a jealous person and I don't want to become bitter about it.

@cranstonmanor I’m so so sorry to hear that

I really feel for you OP and I’m glad talking it through has helped you a bit. The emphasis on people coming through alive, while absolutely true, can feel minimising of your also perfectly valid feelings. You’re in the early days and have a lot to come to terms with. It will get easier, it has for me. I still have regrets about my daughter’s birth and always will but a birthing debrief where we went through all my notes and the justification for every decision was helpful and I found myself less confused and upset. There was lots I didn’t remember and while I’ve been told there’s quite a lot I won’t ever get back my husband has been endlessly patient retelling me things that were hazy and I can match that up with my notes and it’s mostly settled in my head now.

Of course you’re delighted with your baby and age grateful and happy everyone’s healthy but your feelings matter too and it’s your unique experience that you’ll need to share as much and as often as helps till you have time to make peace with it as much as you can

Really fucking helpful @57lady Did you really read the title and the OP then decide it was nice or productive to contribute a diatribe telling her off? You must feel so proud of yourself. Why not hop over to the mental health board next and tell people suffering to pull their socks up or the infertility board and tell them to stop moaning as at least they don’t have cancer. Just no need to be a knob.

OP, there are discussions in midwifery about when the patient swaps from being the adult female to being the baby and the adult female. Technically the patient in the hospital when you went in was you, as the baby didn't yet exist. The hospital's priority was to you not the baby i.e. if they could only save one life it would have been yours.

Cry and talk as much as you can to try and process this. Your experience was not what you were promised; you have a right to feel let down and that your body has been damaged as a result of that. No-one, here or in real life, can tel lyou that your feelings are not valid and ignore them if they try to do so. MAybe try and speak to the consultant who agreed to the breech birth to work through what happened in your case.

YADNBU to feel the way you do, but nowadays so few doctors deliver breech babies - at least in the uk (don’t know stats but I believe almost all are planned section)- they definitely did what was best for you and the baby. Would you really have wanted a doctor delivering your baby having never delivered a breech birth and knowing all the potential complications? Your feelings are completely understandable though, hopefully in time you will reconcile yourself and be glad that you are both healthy and well.

I speak as someone who desperately wanted a natural birth but had to have emcs. Thank god for medical intervention, otherwise we’d both have died!

I appreciate my lovely daughter of course and the fact that im relatively undamaged. I just sometimes having flashbacks or pangs of jealousy, im not dwelling on it or spending all day thinking about it. Reading these messages has helped assure me my feelings are valid and that im far from alone in feeling this way.

Of course your feelings are valid and it’s so important to talk about it. You are certainly not alone. Congratulations by the way!

I haven’t RTFT but I had no 1 by emergency c-section due to being undiagnosed breech. No.2 by vaginal ‘natural’ birth. There’s nothing natural about that!

Both children were fine and healthy, the only difference was I had stitches in different places!
After no. 1 I did feel a bit cheated by not having a natural birth, then I did have one and I now wonder why I thought I’d missed out.
You may feel upset now. It don’t let it spoil your early days, no one gets a medal for how the child arrives in the world. It’s nearly 10 years since my DC1 and it doesn’t bother me now in the slightest, I still have a numb patch on my tummy but it doesn’t effect me in anyway.
Try to stop worrying and just give your beautiful DC all your love cos that’s what it wants.

You had a section at 6cm dilated - this is an emergency caesarean!! Please don't be disheartened. This was the safest thing for your baby. There are so few breech vaginal deliveries now and therefore so few people experienced enough to help manage them that this was the safest thing to do given the staff available.
I hope you can in time find a way to feel more positively about this

Although I did have a virginal birth . My Ds is now a preteen and how he arrived in the world is rarely a thought . I had a completely unsupportive ... now exh... there were concerns during my pregnancy with my ds’s health so when he arrived and was healthy a complete blessing

Although I did have a virginal birth . My Ds is now a preteen and how he arrived in the world is rarely a thought.

Maybe my favorite typos!

OP You're having to work through some pretty intense feelings so please don't be hard on yourself.

My eldest was born by elective CS, due to developing pre-eclampsia. I'd wanted all the bells and whistles in my birth plan, so was disappointed. But as she was born, I had a lightbulb moment that it really didn't matter.

DC2 was born vaginally, a quick easy labour of the type that most women would kill for.

And you know what? I was distinctly underwhelmed by the whole "natural, no pain relief experience". All the feelings I'd been assured I'd have, the "empowerment", etc, didn't happen. I was just "meh, thank fuck that's over".

If I could go back, I'd have insisted on another CS, I recovered far better after that.

I actually feel that women are being peddled a false picture of the perfect birth that only happens once in a blue moon as if those births happen all the time. And I have seen stuff online where people judge those who don't have a perfect birth, even though it's so often down to luck.

OP, you say you moved house just before as well. Moving house is also very stressful and I wonder if this is contributing to your feelings, ramping up the stress you felt.

OP I mean this in the kindest possible way, I really do. But try to focus on that fact that you are both safe. So many women and babies used to die in childbirth. Breech births are very dangerous vaginally. That’s why most obstetricians would not recommend this. Try to focus on the fact that both of you are alive and well, and try to remember that so much of the reason that women feel so overwhelmingly traumatised after they don’t have the birth they wished for is because of societal pressure and expectation of what birth should be. Birth happens easily sometimes, but before medical intervention it used to kill many many women and babies. I think your doctor gave you the safest and most sensible advice.

Moving probably didn't help. Im very far away from anyone i know except my partner and he works very long hours. I've only just now managed to get my things unpacked! ... not that anything much fits me anyway

My first child and I both almost died during my first birth (vaginal). I had a section second time for medical reasons and it was safe and a much better experience.
Try not to think so much about expectation and what may have been. Your experience was your experience. Acceptance and letting go of expectation will help you deal with that.

@57lady what a nasty, completely unhelpful and unnecessary comment.

I haven't rtft but I just had to write. I've had 3 CSs. All in different circumstances. If I hadn't had them, the overwhelming chances are that both the babies and I would've died. I wouldn't have been able to have 3 DC; I would've been dead. In fact if I had given birth a few decades previously, I would've died.

You have a beautiful new baby and you are still here. You're probably going through the baby blues stage and also trying to recover mentally from the operation. I blame the idea of a birth plan; these can be so unrealistic. I have a huge family - lots of aunts, cousins, etc. I was the first of everyone to have a CS so the possibility didn't really enter my mind.

My DC are now 25/23/21. I give thanks nearly every day for my CSs that gave me the opportunity to see them grow up.

Hugs to you.

My birth plan stated just the following: I would like to give birth and live to see my beautiful healthy baby. I would also like to breastfeed. Trying to deliver vaginally nearly killed me and my baby and he was delivered via “ crash c- section “ which means the team running down the corridor as you enter any available operating room with full knock out anaesthetic. I nearly lost my life and so did my DS. Please rejoice in the fact that you have a beautiful healthy baby. I’ve counted my blessings ever since .

I have 2 DC. DC1 born by vaginal delivery. I tore badly, which they didn’t tell me, and had to have reconstructive surgery a few years later. DC2 went breech during labour and I was offered a choice, without pressure, to proceed with vaginal delivery or have a CS. I was told there was a 1% risk of a serious complication for DC if I went ahead with the vaginal delivery and almost no risk to him of a CS which had more risk for me. Of course I chose the delivery with the lowest risk for DC, although if I knew then what I know now about birth injuries, I would have a CS every time.

Be happy with your healthy DD and glad neither of you has any long term problems as a result of the birth.

Maybe you can focus on how much less stressful it must have been for your baby to be lifted out of your tummy rather than forced down some kind of tunnel when they were in an awkward position with the risk of not making it through. Personally I think C sections are much kinder, safer and less traumatic all round and I was so grateful to have one myself. I actually believe that if they didn’t cost more for the NHS that they would be the standard delivery technique. If you can see it as having been better for your child, then surely that is the most important thing here?

I understand completely how you feel. I also wanted to progress with my very long labour but the baby's heart started faltering and I was rushed down my husband sighed the form because I wouldn't. I was given about three seconds no explanation. Set off, then they started running with the trolley. They nearly lost us both because of negligence. Baby in SCUBA unit for over a week I didn't see him till six days old. We didn't go home for three weeks. I was seriously depressed afterwards, baby continually poorly I didn't realised I was depressed and no one medical seemed to notice either. It was very serious one day then I decided I needed to forget about what happened and go forward.
I did go on to have three others and fought for vaginal delivery and second baby was large and I have never experienced pain like it.

In time you will get over that feeling. I had a lovely baby at the end which was important. Try to focus on that. I had also moved countries and my mother was very ill in hospital and I think that contributed to my depression. Get out and meet people/ other mums as once I did that I did started to feel better. Much more is known about Post Natal depression now as my son will be 42 soon. Tell someone if you get too down don't let it fester. Congratulations on your lovely baby.

Breach deliveries are really dangerous and shouldn’t even be attempted if there isn’t the necessary experience available. The fact that they even tried when they knew there would be a shift change (and no communication with the new doctors) suggests you could probably get some compensation if you conplained.

I had an emergency c/s w my first and it took me a long time to get over it. I felt guilty and thought it was possibly over-medicalised and I could’ve tried to get the baby into a different position (was back to back and head facing up) if I had constant midwife care through labour. I remember saying I felt bad about it with MIL round after a few months and actually telling someone made it feel better so it’s good you’ve posted, next step is to talk about it w someone.
I went on to have a planned section w no.2 due to different positional problems which went a lot better. Never had a vaginal birth but the main thing is you and baby are fine. The worst outcome would be a real emergency c/s with both of you being unwell afterwards.
The feeling will come back to the area and as time goes on the memory of it will fade. My DCs are well into their teens now and apart from the scar which is barely visible there are no ill effects.,

OP for what it's worth most women have regrets about their birth. I think we imagine it for so long and are encouraged to plan an event that cannot be predictable. I didn't have a c section but I didn't have the birth I wanted and I can't have any more kids either. It's hard but the end result is the important bit- you have a gorgeous baby! This will always bother you if you let it- you need to let it go for your own sanity even though it's hard x