C section regret

[cockcrowfarm]

Long before I got pregnant even I've been looking forwards to the experience of giving birth. Unfortunately my baby was breech so I was recommended a csection. I found a hospital that would give me the chance to try for a natural birth. The baby was estimated to be less than 3kg, my pelvis is big enough etc so they said I was a good candidate for vaginal birth.

I had some mild cramping on Friday night (I thought caused by a curry!) which got progressively stronger through the night … Around 10 am I woke my partner and timed the contractions they were 5-6 minutes apart and 40-50 seconds long so we headed to the hospital. The doctor said I was about 6cm and put me on a machine to monitor the contractions for a bit. During this time my water broke.

My usual doctor wasn't on duty and the other doctor told me that the hospital was busy and none of the doctors wanted to deliver a breech. There was no point to continue the labor as I was going to have a csection in the end. They told me it is very dangerous to deliver breech and basically put some pressure on me to sign the consent form for csection.

I had the operation at 2 pm and it went well, despite my sobbing and shaking all the way through. They said next time If everything is ok I will be able to try vaginal birth. I am very upset about the csection, I'm crying now writing this. It would be different if it was an emergency section, I feel confident that I could have delivered the baby and at least wanted the chance to try. Up until that point at least labour was progressing well.

Of course recovery time was uncomfortable and now I can't feel my belly and worry that I'll never feel it again. Yesterday, a woman on a group chat had a baby and my first reaction was a huge wave of jealousy because I didn't get the chance to try and probably won't in the future. I want another child but I doubt it is a possibility because I am almost 42, I feel like I lost my only opportunity.

I know IABU, please give me advice on how I can get over this. I am not usually a jealous person and I don't want to become bitter about it.

It would quite possibly have been unavoidable anyway - my baby was head down but back to back and after a long, long labour and getting to 9.5cm dilated - I had to have a section. Basically, as the head wasn't in the correct place putting pressure on the cervix, it never completely thinned out and I wouldn't have been able to push him out. I was exhausted and wish it had been done hours before. Focus on the happy health baby that you grew, regardless that he came out the sun roof!

@cockcrowfarm I can really empathise with your post. I felt very similar. Logically, I knew all that really mattered was that I had a healthy baby at the end, but it didn’t stop me from feeling all the things you’re describing. After a good few years (it’s been a decade actually) I don’t care about it so much. Now mums around me are talking about other things like school applications, SATs rather than discussing birth stories, so I just don’t think of it as much and it isn’t as important as it once was.

I think the main thing for me was feeling loss of control and helpless. I felt a bit let down by the people who we’re supposed to help me, but more that I’d let myself down for not standing up for myself more. The birth of my first child did not go anywhere near to plan, it was quite traumatic and did result in an emergency section. The trauma from that birth affected my decisions when I have my second child; he was breech too and I desperately wanted (and got) a planned section as I was terrified of the same thing happening. So of course then I became resentful that both births had been ‘messed up’ and I’d been ‘cheated’ out of knowing what it’s like to push my baby out. It’s hard not to blame yourself and your body for not being able to do something we’re essentially programmed to do.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to allow yourself some time to come to terms with it all. It doesn’t have to stop you enjoying your new baby. 💐

I'm sorry you didn't have the birth you wanted, that must've been really hard. It's easy to say it doesn't matter as long as the baby is healthy(of course this is the most important thing) but giving birth is a massive thing and how it happens can affect you massively. It sounds like a birth debrief may help you? And like others have said try and focus on the positives and keep talking about it. You have a beautiful baby that you brought into this world, that's an amazing thing!

My friend is a midwife and says lots of women have a birth plan that is quite rigid and believe that the birth of their baby will be pretty much as the plan. She says babies never read the plan.

In this country the NHS allocates X amount of money for a birth, half of that money is insurance in case anything goes wrong. I know you wanted the staff to deliver your baby vaginally, but it is a hell of a risk. It does increase the risk of the baby dying. Weighing that up against the c section you can see why staff want to take the safer option.

I thought I would have a vaginal birth, then Ds1 became breech, so then it was a probably c section, then he turned at 34 weeks.

My labour was horrific and Ds crashed his heart rate, I was strapped to a monitor with a clip on his head after I bled heavily and they thought I may have placental abruption where the placenta detaches. I was higher risk of this because I had a subchorionic hematoma (heavy bleeding at the beginning of pregnancy possibly due to placenta issues) and Ds was my miracle you can't have children naturally baby. I was rushed to theatre for an EMCS Dh made it through the theatre doors just as they were cutting into me.

I was just grateful to have him in my arms. Alive and healthy. And that is what I focused on. Birth is just a way to get the baby from inside me out of me. With Ds2 I opted for a c section. My children are now 16 and 13. It is raw for you because it happened so recently.

You probably are thinking what if I had that vaginal delivery, but you need to also think about what if it went horrifically wrong. I have been on MN for over a decade. There are lots of incredibly sad stories of births going wrong, damaged babies or mothers or both. Hold that beautiful baby and be glad.

The most unhelpful thing to say to a new mother suffering from any degree of birth trauma is 'at least your baby is healthy'. Of course all mothers are utterly grateful for this, it goes without saying. What doesn't help is making a traumatised new mum feel guilty for her feelings. Because she matters as well, not just baby.

I never had the full birth experience, as in I never felt crowning and the baby coming out of me. First birth was a long and complicated assisted delivery in which both baby and I were injured and I was completely numbed so I felt none of the actual birth (though I did labour for three days beforehand). Second, because of the first, was a lovely calm ELCS. It took me a long time to get over the first one. Not because of some competitive birth experience nonsense but because it was so far from what I'd imagined would happen (thanks NCT!) and because it, in hindsight, so dangerous for us both, something that only hit me afterwards.

OP have you looked at The Birth Trauma Association? Even if you're abroad you can access their info online. And a debrief may also be helpful, as will be talking about this as much as you need.

The numbness will go in your tummy but it may take a while. A year on and my scar is still numb but the rest of the feeling has returned.

I decided as a teen I wanted to experience a natural birth but when pregnant at 36 I had to have a C section due to low lying placenta and other issues. I was disappointed at first but seriously now I am so glad. I am the only person in my 40 plus friendship group who doesn't pee when I jump or laugh! So many of my friends tore or now have prolapses and it has affected their love life for the rest of their life,. The most important thing is you felt you did what was best for the baby's safety - trust me there will be lots of other decisions you will make with your child's safety in mind. You will process this and soon be immersed in your baby. I do think though that mums being disappointed in their birth plans not going to plan can lead to post natal depression so please watch for this. Your feelings in your stomach will come back. Good luck with your baby - please try and enjoy them now.

If it helps at all, I've done it both ways and didnt find the experience of huffing a baby out to be magical, transformative or in any way useful or beneficial to me as an individual. It just got the baby out, same as a section does. If a fairy came and waved a magic wand and retrospectively made my vaginal birth a CS instead, I'd have lost nothing of any importance to me. Lots of women feel the same. You might easily have been one of them. Could be that you're upset over something you wouldn't actually have been bothered about in the end, who knows?

FWIW I wouldnt have fancied a breech VBAC in my 40s, even with extremely experienced breech attendants in optimum conditions. You might well have dodged a bullet there.

Congratulations on your new baby OP! Enjoy those lovely newborn cuddles and get out when you can to meet new mum's - it makes such a difference.

Agree with many posters that this feeling will disappear (or at least decrease). My LO was back to back and in the wrong place so he was never going to come out despite 4 hours of pushing. I did all the classes, read all the books, was confident I could handle the pain but baby had other ideas. Theatre, episiotomy, rotational forceps followed. Couldn't sit for weeks, couldn't poo without painkillers for months, didn't have sex for over a year. My GP described it as "brutal". I beat myself up because I couldn't give birth in the birthing pool like I wanted, because the trauma meant my milk didn't come in, (mostly) because it really fucking hurt. It mattered so much at the time but now with a healthy, hilarious toddler who still is always in the wrong place it doesn't matter.

I was angry at myself after my elective CS not because of any competition but because it was bloody painful the first few days which I didn't expect because people always say that it's a breeze. I've had five operations & always stayed in longer & on morphine whereas after the CS I was packed off the next day with some paracetamol. Plus I have a little shelf which really pisses me off however it realistically was the best option for DC2 so after I cried for a few days I tried to focus on that.

I was put to sleep for an emergency section with my first child. My DH wasn't allowed in the room so she came out to no family. I don't remember the first time I met her, first time I fed her, etc. It took a long time for me to be able to talk about it without crying. I am still upset that it happened, but time has certainly helped. And ultimately I know that both of us being well was the most important thing. Time will help but it's ok to feel the way you're feeling. Just look at your beautiful baby and think how lucky you are when you're feeling down

I've been through the post-EMCS trauma/ regret. The passage of time helps.
Second baby was a VBAC... just... the aftermath of the forceps was very painful for months. Worse than the EMCS, although I was more ill in the immediate aftermath and much weaker in the first month (hence hoping that VBAC would have me functional much sooner)

In any situation other than birth, people would be far more sympathetic to the psycological toll of a routine procedure resulting in emergency surgery. Having a cute and hopefully healthy baby does not automatically mean all is hunkydory. It can hide the potential gravity of the situation to both mother and baby's wellbeing even if they have emerged in good health. The mother's body is permanently changed, with a scar at least, possibly lasting numbness and an overhang, and it changes the goalposts on future pregnancies. I hated my abdomen until my second pregnancy. It didn't look like it belonged to me. It didn't feel like it belonged to me other than an annoying distant pull as it jiggled. It's taken years to accept it is actually part of my body (sensation is reduced from tummy button to pelvis)

There are so many factors that underlying birth trauma. The impact of birth injury. Loss of control, consent and awareness. A sense that your body hasn't fulfilled a natural function (especially where labour hasn't resulted in VB). Pro-"natural" birth cultures. Shaming of CS "too posh to push". A lack of openess about "horror birth stories" where birth has been complicated. Hormones. Guff about bonding.

It's not unreasonable to feel birth trauma and regret, however it is such a tiny part of the life of the person born. It makes no difference to DS1 that he entered the world through a different exit to DS2. The feelings need to be acknowledged, but be put into perspective.

I was desperate for a natural birth and, like you had a breech baby. I wanted to go natural until my mum asked the midwife what she would tell her daughter if she was in the same situation. She said without a doubt, go for the caesarean.
In the end I'm so thankful I did. Baby had the cord round her neck and it was shorter than normal. Basically, if I had of pushed for a natural birth she may have died.

Although it's not the ideal birth that you pictured, it's still your babies birth and it's special and beautiful because of that. I know it's very soon after having baby, but you'll soon realise that that is how it was meant to be.

If I ever had another baby I'd have another section!

I think it's a natural reaction. I've had 2 emergency sections, I'm grateful that we're all okay but I don't consider myself to have given birth and as someone who really struggles with passivity, not being able to move/feel my legs whilst things were done to me was hugely hard to cope with. It's finding a way of making peace with it and that's going to be so personal.

Time does help. My eldest is heading towards 5 and it's a lot easier to deal with but I still feel sadness that his arrival was such a horrendous experience and that because I wasn't listened to he ended up in NICU.

True, but often these feelings are not coming from a good place. They're coming from feelings of competitiveness or a quite frankly misogynistic view of what women are 'for'.

Or it's about a women wanting to choose her own birth and be supported to have this. Regardless of c section, VB or natural.

However the baby is born there is potential for it to be difficult and traumatic, I had a 'natural' birth and found it horrendous.

If you continue to feel this way, consider talking to someone. I did talk about my experience in counselling and it did help to be able to talk about how helpless and not in control I felt, and how unlistened too - by staff at the time, and afterwards, and by pretty much everyone else. I quickly learnt that 'at least the baby was ok, that's the main thing' was a way of telling me to be quiet and stop talking about it.

At least with the counselling I was listened to and allowed to be upset.

Is your baby healthy and well? Sorry as insensitive it sounds but as long as your baby is fit and well it doesn't matter how he/she was born IMO.

That is ridiculously insensitive. Attitudes like this completely minimise and discount the experiences of women who have traumatic childbirths and are deeply affected afterwards.

I haven't RTFT but I wanted to write this for perspective, yes it isn't fair that they didnt give you a chance, but when my DM had my DB he was breach and they made her deliver naturally anyway and he nearly died, she spent the first 48 hours believing he was going to die, even one of the midwives told her not to hold out much hope, he did survive, but has Cerebral Palsy due to it, he can't walk or talk, my DM never got to see his first steps or here his first words. He is in his 40's now and exceeded all the doctors expectations.
Hold your beautiful baby, cry over the loss of the birth you wanted and talk to your health visitor and a councillor if you need, but please remember that you will see your babies first steps and hear their first words.

I had my first baby by c section. It wasn't what I wanted but I had to be induced and it wasn't working well so the doctors said it would be safer for my baby to have a c section.

Once she was born, safe and well I wasn't worried about how she was born and although it took longer to recover it was fine in the end.
Maybe it wasn't what you wanted but you have a beautiful healthy baby now so just concentrate on that. Babies grow so quick so don't dwell on the birth and enjoy your newborn :)

Babies grow so quick so don't dwell on the birth and enjoy your newborn

The problem is when dwelling on the birth isn't a choice.

I always thought I would have, and wanted to have, a vaginal birth - like my Mum and sister before me, and then my best friend had a very traumatic vaginal birth resulting in a severely brain damaged child as the baby’s placenta was caught around her DD’s neck and due to inadequate monitoring by the medics, it was overlooked resulting in the brain injury. Her DD will never be be able to toilet or feed herself, can’t speak - and they have the most un-imaginable hard time getting through week by week and it has now been 9 years.
This helped me appreciate in regards to birth that what is so important is the health of mum and baby and not the short process of how the baby comes out. For this reason I elected a c-section for my first, and are about to have another c-section for my second. In my estimation the long term health of me and my DC was more important than the short rite of passage of a vaginal birth that some women have.
I have another friend who was an undiagnosed breech, till it was too late, all sorts of chaos when they realised it too late, and her bits are certainly not the same given the intervention they needed to promptly get her DD out alive.
You have a beautiful healthy child, who will give you so much love and joy. I hope in time - time usually heals all wounds, emotional and physical - you come to have a developed and improved perspective of the gift of your child where the brief moment of how they arrived seems less significant.

I will get over it in time and you are all correct that i need to talk and share, this helped me today already, thank you for your experiences. I will check the website that was suggested by pp too.

Not saying all the reasons nor all the women will be making decisions from a toxic place, but plenty will.

Even if it's from a toxic place, attacking someone for feeling that way isn't the answer. Challenging what led to those beliefs sure, ante-natal classes which aren't fit for purpose because they won't discuss interventions or midwives to respond to learning you had a section with " commiserations" or telling women at their pre-ops that "they are taking the easy way out this time", all of that needs pointing out at the time. We're in Scotland, when I had dc1 the bit on c-sections in the book we were given wasn't even in the "giving birth" section and yet they had a tiny little information square saying "sometimes women who have c-sections don't think they've given birth"...well clearly neither do the authors.

I emailed to complain and the edition I got with dc2 is a bit better but there is still the narrative that there is one right way to have a baby underlying it.