C section regret

[cockcrowfarm]

Long before I got pregnant even I've been looking forwards to the experience of giving birth. Unfortunately my baby was breech so I was recommended a csection. I found a hospital that would give me the chance to try for a natural birth. The baby was estimated to be less than 3kg, my pelvis is big enough etc so they said I was a good candidate for vaginal birth.

I had some mild cramping on Friday night (I thought caused by a curry!) which got progressively stronger through the night … Around 10 am I woke my partner and timed the contractions they were 5-6 minutes apart and 40-50 seconds long so we headed to the hospital. The doctor said I was about 6cm and put me on a machine to monitor the contractions for a bit. During this time my water broke.

My usual doctor wasn't on duty and the other doctor told me that the hospital was busy and none of the doctors wanted to deliver a breech. There was no point to continue the labor as I was going to have a csection in the end. They told me it is very dangerous to deliver breech and basically put some pressure on me to sign the consent form for csection.

I had the operation at 2 pm and it went well, despite my sobbing and shaking all the way through. They said next time If everything is ok I will be able to try vaginal birth. I am very upset about the csection, I'm crying now writing this. It would be different if it was an emergency section, I feel confident that I could have delivered the baby and at least wanted the chance to try. Up until that point at least labour was progressing well.

Of course recovery time was uncomfortable and now I can't feel my belly and worry that I'll never feel it again. Yesterday, a woman on a group chat had a baby and my first reaction was a huge wave of jealousy because I didn't get the chance to try and probably won't in the future. I want another child but I doubt it is a possibility because I am almost 42, I feel like I lost my only opportunity.

I know IABU, please give me advice on how I can get over this. I am not usually a jealous person and I don't want to become bitter about it.

@littleduckeggblue it does matter how babies are born and people are left with ptsd and other trauma mentally and physically. I'm very glad you have no lasting issues with your birth but don't undermine women who do have lasting effects. A healthy baby is absolutely the number one goal but women's health and mental health is also on the agenda and you are completely wrong to dismiss that

@cockcrowfarm Moving probably didn't help. Im very far away from anyone i know except my partner and he works very long hours. I've only just now managed to get my things unpacked! ... not that anything much fits me anyway.

Ah, God help you - I really feel for you. My son is just over 3 weeks old, I have a really supportive partner who comes home and takes the baby off me, baby is actually pretty good and I am still struggling a bit. Try not to be too hard in yourself.

I was in the opposite boat, OP. My son was diagnosed breech presentation at 36 weeks and it was clear to me that my consultant wasn’t really keen on doing the ECV procedure to turn him and didn’t recommend vaginal delivery of breech baby because of the risks to both mother and child. My husband and I never thought we would be able to have him: he’s a bit of a miracle really! I didn’t hesitate to choose a section because I weighed up the risks and wanted to do everything I could to ensure his safe arrival.

But the fact that I wouldn’t change a thing about that doesn’t change YOUR view as you aren’t me and our experiences and perspectives aren’t the same. However, I echo what previous posters have said about the medical advice. It’s hard because you so longed for a vaginal delivery. Whereas I preferred to undergo major abdominal surgery and having a team of skilled professionals lift my son out in the clinical environment of an operating theatre: I do NOT feel I missed out on anything at all by never feeling a single contraction! But you feel different.

Please, please try to go easy on yourself; your emotions and hormones are probably all over the place and as you know, this is a time of great upheaval and change! Is there any way at all your partner can come home earlier to support you? Have you spoken to him about how you’re feeling?

I can sympathise, I know where you are coming from but you you are in a very vulnerable time post birth at the moment.
My first was breech. I had worked very hard to get myself psyched up to believe I could deliver naturally. I'd paid for the hypnotherapy courses, done positive visualisation, the whole lot.
We tried an ECV and that didn't work so c-section it was. As it happened Pre eclampsia struck while I was in hospital that morning. I was rapidly moved up the list and was ill in hospital for a week after.
Come the second child age+cervical stitch+pre eclampsia+ gestational diabetes meant second c-section. That's it for me as far as children go so I will never experience the so-called natural birth. My logical brain is fine with that, the illogical part still nags at me that have missed out somehow.
As time goes on (last DS is 1) I realise that it's ok. I got them here and I did my fair share of suffering.
My two friends had undiagnosed breeches that resulted in a panicky, painful, damaging birth. Would I have wanted that? Not at all.
Be kind to yourself. Let those feelings of regret come but don't be consumed by them or obsessed by them. They will fade as your hormones readjust. You are a mother who avoided a possibly dangerous birth by people who didn't have the skill to help you. As someone said, this was the first thing you did that put your daughter first, the first sacrifice you made and it got her here. It's a success story not a failure xxxxxx

neveam "As far as I'm concerned they did not have reason enough to do a csection"

Surely not having qualified/competent staff is a pretty good reason??

In the end OP it really doesn't matter. I had a c section, I couldn't breastfeed. I had my DS In a country different to my own, and it is difficult to do that . But. .....Ultimately these things don't matter. I have a lovely 14 year old who would have been no different born in my home country with a 'natural ' birth and text book breastfeeding. You are naturally upset now, but it should pass. PM me if you want to talk about things with someone who was in the same situation.

Mmm, I understand the argument if its just about ensuring fully informed consent. But a 41 year old first timer with a breech baby and no attendant available with experience and skills at breech delivery is an excellent reason to strongly recommend ELCS.

Both my boys were c-sections due to being breech. I was sad about it for a while, more so after the second time. I felt a bit cheated of actually delivering naturally. It didn't helo I took ages to heal.
We were also abroad with no family.
I had to just keep telling myself I got the best outcome. Two healthy baby boys no matter how they got out.
It'll get better.

A section is judgement , weighing up.the risks for mother and baby. Despite it being necessary, perhaps it wasn't t explained very well.. A c section delivery doesn't mean you are any different from any other mother. I didn't want one, but had no choice in the end.

I actually think now, 14 years later I bonded more with DS having gone through an emergency CS in a foreign hospital. If you are worried about what others will think, believe me, they will be in awe of you.

But you aren't feeling like that now OP I know. Enjoy your baby and try and forget how you lovely .the c section really doesn't matter.

Try to get some feedback from the hospital if possible, and perhaps some counselling?
I had my heart set on a water birth with my 1st - for medical reasons it turned out I would need a c-section which did upset me, but was for the benefit of the baby so got my head around it.
In the end, my baby was starved of oxygen due to a blood clot in the placenta, so was born by EMCS under general anaesthetic and died 2 days later.
Your baby is healthy, that is the main thing, but you also need to address your feelings about this - it could well be PND or just hormones xxx

Ignore the ‘just be grateful’ brigade. These are your feelings and they are totally valid. So much pressure is put on women now regarding child birth and rearing. Don’t let your feelings be minimised. Talk to people and find a way to come to terms with it- debriefing/counselling.. whatever it takes. It may take a long time, it may be quick. But your feelings are valid and it is OK.

Op I’m so glad for you that you and your baby got through everything ok.

I went to hospital for dc1 with a 3 page birth plan. Suffice to say None Of Those Things Happened. It was absolutely dreadful. Everything went wrong, EMCS, didn’t even see my baby until nearly 2 days old. Just the worst. However, I walked out of there with a beautiful, healthy chills.
Dc2 38w checkup - doc said. Nope, this baby is upside down inside out and the wrong way round. You live 2 hours from the hospital and I’m sending you over to have your baby in the morning. And it was Great.
When you get to walk out the door with your child safe and well, you’re winning x

I loved my c section! Yes my tummy is numb and probably always will be, but it could have been so much worse. SIL had a vaginal delivery and she shits herself due to severe tearing and has physio which involves using dilators to stretch the scar tissue. My friend had a vaginal delivery and has to wear Tena pads every day because she wets herself. She says it’s the size of the Channel Tunnel down there. In contrast my bits are totally intact and pain free and function normally because I haven’t pushed a baby out. OP you have no idea what might have happened to you if you’d had the vaginal birth you wanted. Perhaps c section is actually the best outcome for you?

My condolences @RainbowMum11

My friend had a vaginal delivery and has to wear Tena pads every day because she wets herself. She says it’s the size of the Channel Tunnel down there. In contrast my bits are totally intact and pain free and function normally because I haven’t pushed a baby out.

I've pushed a baby out & had one pulled out & my bits are totally intact & pain free too. It's not an either/or situation. Also whilst CS does reduce your risk of incontinence & prolapse it doesn't eliminate it altogether plus pregnancy alone causes damage.
I hate the message that a CS is a walk in the park & thats one of the reasons I was so depressed about it because I was miserable the first few days. 2 of my friends had CS's (due to baby's position) at a similar time to me, 1 started to feel things & had to be put under GA & has some mild incontinence issues. Another had a huge haemorrhage & needed a blood transfusion, she nearly died.

If I had my time over again I would have requested an elective CS both times.

I was abroad, and private, so it was my choice; but the NCT equivalent antenatal classes were all about no drugs/natural/'opening like a flower' guff which I went along with.

Both births were natural, both took hours, both gas, air, pethidine; first a failed epidural; second with an entire theatre team gathering for a crash section just as I managed to push him out.

I had a small tear with the first, a bigger but not catastrophic tear with the second. So not particularly 'traumatic' in the big picture.

But, 20 years later, it has messed with my sex life, physically, and I am the verge of incontinence if I'm not careful.

I am 100% aware that a CS isn't a walk in the park; that it's surgery, thus painful, and needing recovery time, but I was in a private hospital who would have been only too happy to take my (insured!) cash to stay in, and I had at-home support. And a natural delivery also takes weeks to get over, too!

But I guess I'm not a woman who validates her womanhood by having gone through natural childbirth as that doesn't define me, either way.

@cockcrowfarm

Here’s a paper for you, if you haven’t read it already, comparing the rates of poor outcomes of breech+vaginal and breech+c-section. I hope it confirms to you that while the situation wasn’t as you wanted, it was the safest thing for you and baby:

obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/ajo.12488

Personally I think you were let down by whoever suggested a vaginal delivery would have been reasonable. You’d have been more prepared and accepting if you’d had time just to come to terms with an elective c-section rather than given that false hope.

But first births are often full of regrets and “I wish”es. We are sold a sanitised idea about the experience, when really it can be very unpredictable. Though, having had 3, I would say that the most important things we can do to prepare (IMO exercising and moving about in day to day life to encourage optimal foetal positioning AND encouraging breast milk with hand expression from 37 weeks) get seriously little attention in standard prenatal care. My big take home from baby1 was the exercise and focussing on optimal positioning. 2nd was perfectly positioned and I had that text book birth. 3rd was back to back but I used what I had learned (spinningbabies.com) to improve the position and worked on that throughout labour to have another near textbook delivery.

I actually think some of the comments on here are really, really insensitive. My first birth was a vaginal birth, I didn't feel safe at all, and I still feel quite panicky thinking about it now but physically me and my eldest were absolutely fine; it was simply because I was on my own for the majority of the time and then surrounded by visitors that I was too exhausted and feeling vulnerable to tell to leave and had no escape in hospital. I planned a home birth for my second. I wanted to feel safe and as there hadn't been any complications with my first everything looked perfect right up until my last midwife appointment before my due date when I was suddenly blue lighted to hospital with severe pre-eclampsia that I hadn't realised what my symptoms were, and ended up having a category 1 section alongside medical procedures that frightened the life out of me. I wasn't told much as there wasn't time to tell me much. I ended up on HDU, again surrounded by visitors I didn't want and this time getting comments from them about how I'd had it easy.

Now yeah sure me and my baby are safe and well, but she's 3 months old and I have nightmares and flashbacks and low moods, and my 3 year old who watched me being driven away in an ambulance with the sirens going is now terrified that mummys going to hospital again. But we are alive so according to some of the comments on here I'm not allowed to feel any of that? I should just be grateful? And my reasons for feeling this way come from a toxic place?

Of course OP is grateful and in love with her baby but that doesn't make her feelings any less valid and it's not that easy to simply forget about the birth you wanted.

I had two sections despite very much wanting vaginal births. (1st emergency, 2nd very strongly advised elective.)

I still (years later) have pangs where I miss the experience of never giving birth - I laboured for a good while but feel like it was interrupted and wrong.

I think birth is intensely personal and important to all women. I find we all need to tell our birth stories, sometimes many times. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel. Maybe a counsellor would be useful to work through it with you?

As has been said above, though, I expect vaginal birth may not have been what expected or hoped for - not many things are! We still need to come to terms with the feelings of loss and disappointment. x

Can I say that if you anyone is having flashbacks, depression etc after birth then you deserve and ought to get some help for that? Speak to your health visitor, doctor.

I know when you've a newborn there's barely any time or space to look after yourself, but you don't have to suffer. In the long run it will help both you and your baby.

Post birth trauma and depression are real, and very, very common. They can be treated.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/postnatal-and-antenatal-depression/#.XXy7fX97nIU

My DS1 was an undiagnosed breech. They did a CS after I'd been in labour for 6 hours, and he was starved of oxygen.

He had catastrophic brain damage, was blind, unable to speak, walk, sit up unaided, had multiple painful operations and died aged 7.

Childbirth is very, very dangerous, and your doctors did absolutely the tight thing for you and your baby.

I ended up with emcs after a failed induction & labouring for nearly 48 hours, I had pre eclampsia & was very unwell afterwards in high dependency. I beat myself up for years afterwards, still do sometimes & ds is 15 now. I felt that my body had let me down, I wasnt a proper woman because my body wouldn't do the one thing it was supposed to do. It has affected my mental health a lot & I never asked for any help or support for years, I wish I had done.

It might be a good idea to talk to someone professional op. I had 4 sections (all for different reasons). No labour. No natural births. I didn't give it a second thought. Only to think, briefly every now and again, that I just took a slightly different path to most but the outcome was absolutely the best. We all came out of it well so job done. I hope you can find some peace with it all op.

I'm finding this thread rather sad.lots of women are feeling let down. OP I would ask your GP to arrange a debrief if you haven't already and the consultant or senior midwife will go through your notes with you. Most people find it helpful.

I think a lot of us felt we were promised a particular type of birth, then when that didn't happen we felt cheated. I know I was all for the water birth in the room with thr disco ball - but DS had other ideas so an emergency section was needed. My milk then didn't come in properly so I couldn't breastfeed and felt I'd already failed him twice as a mother and he had only just arrived! It took time, but over the following months I realised that when you're pregnant you are obviously concentrating on the pregnancy and birth - but there is SO much more to being a mum. So although the fact I didn't get the birth experience I wanted was really disappointing, it was out of my control, I did my best and it doesn't define me as a mum.

Please share your feelings with your loved ones and your midwife at your 6 week check - they are valid and need to be worked through. But please also know that being a mum is all about what you do from here on in - this is just the start of your wonderful adventure! All the best