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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner pays more towards rent so expects me to do all the chores. AIBU?

187 replies

Milosunshine · 13/09/2019 07:09

I’ve lived with my partner for nearly 2 years. It has always been he pays the full rent, gas and electric etc. and I pay the food bill, council tax, tv & broadband. He was the one that suggested it was divided like this.

I do all the housework, cooking and general errands that need running. We both work full time however I am in earlier than him. It’s the second week back from the holidays, I work in a sen school and it’s been quite tiring. He’s pointed out today that the fridge and microwave needs cleaning, I asked could he do it when he gets in from work later and he’s completely lost his shit. He said he pays more of the rent and he shouldn’t be expected to do anything it should be all down to me. I don’t mind doing 90% of the chores, but was I unreasonable to ask just this once if he could help me?

OP posts:
hormonesorDHbeingadick · 13/09/2019 10:21

Yanbu to be happy to do 90% of the chores.

PlinkPlink · 13/09/2019 10:25

God, this sounds awful and has so much potential to get even worse.

Not only is it a ridiculous thing to expect you to do all of the housework. But to pressure you and shout at you after such an awful life event? That's pretty low.

Please don't have a baby with this man.

I can guarantee he will expect you to do all the housework and look after baby on mat leave. And it sounds like if you dont he'll shout at you and make you feel guilty for not doing it after hes done nice things like buy you flowers (which by the way does not equate to you having to do the housework either).

I would be seriously questioning things in your position.

AhNowTed · 13/09/2019 10:26

@TwentyEight12

Your 'logic' is all kinds of wrong.

His extra doesn't buy him and fucking housekeeper.

They both work full time and cooking housework in normal 21st century relationships are split 50/50.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/09/2019 10:28

He is treating you as a paid cleaner.

My husband earns pretty much twice what I earn. It all goes into the same pot. It is literally never ever mentioned. Never once in any argument has he pulled the 'i earn more' or 'it's my money' card. We do equal jobs at home because we are a partnership, and what kind of partner enjoys sitting on their bum watching TV knowing that their partner who has also done a full days work, is cleaning up after them?

It's horrible that he doesnt consider you equal. That he pays the bills in proportion to earnings like most people but uses it as an excuse to order you around. He actually points out what housework needs doing like you would do to a paid cleaner. But he buys you flowers instead of acknowledging that he is an adult and has some responsibility to look after himself.

If you suddenly got a big pay rise, or inheritance, or won the lottery, and insisted on paying more towards bills than he did, do you honestly think he would let you? Would he really accept you coming in and saying darling you need to clean the floor again, you missed a bit, while you go and sit on the sofa with a cup of tea? If the answer is no, then it's not about who earns more, it's because you are a woman and because he thinks he is better than you.

He is treating you horribly and using money as an excuse.

Please please dont try for another baby with him. Especially as it sounds like you are not married. Otherwise I think it's fairly easy to see how you will be on maternity leave, he will be paying a higher proportion of the bills or all of them and according to his 'rules' this will mean he has complete control over you because looking after your new baby all day wont be 'contributing', he will boss you around to the nth degree and when you realise that you dont want your child to grow up thinking its normal to treat your wife like a slave, you wont be able to leave because you will have no job no money and he wont help at all with childcare arrangements so you will have all that to sort and won't have any kind of financial settlement because you weren't married

Sorry to sound so dramatic but have seen the exact situation on here time and time again, it starts like yours and never ends well

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 10:28

Pemba

Oh gawd... I think I’m being drawn into feminism. I’m not a feminist or a Mens Rights activist.

I looked at it all from the point of equality in terms of the real cost of living.

I also suggested a cleaner.

And it’s ok that we disagree.

chipsandgin · 13/09/2019 10:33

Totally agree with all pp’s saying he’s a misogynistic dick, behaving totally unacceptably & you should get out.

However if you want to stay & you’ve offered to pay more & have that income available then use it to pay for a cleaner (you would pay more than £200 more if you split evenly - so get a 3/4 hour clean a week & solve one problem. How you solve the DH problem is another matter entirely!)

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 10:34

I’m leaving this thread now.

Good luck all Smile

Kpo58 · 13/09/2019 10:35

OP if you cannot manage not having a child with this man, make sure that you are married first.

Otherwise, when you wake up and get rid of him, you'll be destitute as well as emotionally broken, having your career destroyed (so stuck in min wage jobs) and having to care for your kid(s) with him either not paying maintenance and/or threatening to take them away as you're an "unfit" mother.

AhNowTed · 13/09/2019 10:35

@TwentyEight12

I earn twice what my husband does.

By your logic I can sit on my arse while my husband does all the work?

KatharinaRosalie · 13/09/2019 10:43

If the OP rented in a flatshare or houseshare with others, the OP would have to financially contribute an equal amount and do an equal amount of household chores.

  • they are not in a houseshare
  • that would be a better deal than her current arrangement. I would love to find someone who does ALL my chores and cooking and laudry and admin and cleaning etc etc for the amount in question.
Aprillygirl · 13/09/2019 10:48

He sees you as his (very poorly) paid maid. LTB

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2019 10:49

As far as he's concerned, you're a paid service. Sorry.

That's terrible.

I was going to say either renegotiate and split everything 50/50 (finances and chores) or leave.

But fuck that, with his attitude I'd be packing already. What an arsehole.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2019 10:52

I have offered to pay more but he refuses

Of course he does, because he doesn't want to do any housework!

Very sorry about your MC but my god, wake up woman. If you have a child with his twat you'll be doing all the childcare too.

Sorry to be so blunt. But seriously, take a look at your boundaries and self esteem.

timshelthechoice · 13/09/2019 10:55

Well, OP, you realise now you are living with a lazy twat who does not see you as an equal and never will because he is above lifework. You have children with this arse and your life will be 100x worse.

Freedom Programme, he's classic 'King of the Castle'.

I hope you'll leave before you procreate with him.

Embracelife · 13/09/2019 11:13

He has shown what it will be like with a child.
You will do everything.
He will buy you flowers from.time to compensate for his bullying ways
In few years you will be ground down
Leave now
Have babies with someone else

ShiftHappens · 13/09/2019 11:47

I have offered to pay more but he refuses

that's all about control. he pays more, so he has more say. he does not want to relinquish that.

BogglesGoggles · 13/09/2019 12:08

Why on Earth don’t you just get a cleaner? At any rate, he sounds horrible. I would strongly consider leaving him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he expects you to do 100% or childcare and housework in the future.

Sweetbabycheezits · 13/09/2019 12:09

OP, seriously...this is not a good situation.
My DH earns 3x what I do, and works longer hours. I work school hours, so I tend to do things like cooking, tidying up, a bit of washing in the week, simply because I get home first. That does NOT excuse him from doing stuff at weekends...he does the garden stuff, laundry, cleans and tidies the kitchen after I've cooked...because it's his house, too, and we are a team. Ditto with the children...I have more time with them in the week, but he is an equal parent and certainly did his share of work with them when they were tiny. Get out now, OP, or STOP doing 90%, and see how he responds to that. If he steps up, he's a keeper. If he kicks off, run fast!

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2019 12:11

Why on Earth do women put up with being treated like a servant because they have a vagina? It's not OK that you do 90% of the housework normally either btw, asking him to "help" shouldn't be a one off occurrence

malificent7 · 13/09/2019 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Posted in error.

timshelthechoice · 13/09/2019 12:14

Getting a cleaner is no solution to a person who sees women as skivvies with convenient holes. Cleaners don't come and cook, clean the kitchen daily, make sure there's enough loo roll in the house or lifework, you need a housekeeper, cleaner and cook for that.

Lvsel · 13/09/2019 12:15

Its likely he can change and I only say that because my partner was like this.
I would pay everything with Bill's and do all the cleaning. He used to pay for all meals out but that isnt enough..
Now I pay everything else besides the rent which he pays, he pays for all meals or entertainment out and does chores mostly washing up, feeding and cleaning the cat, fixing things, changing bed sheets.

He cant Hoover which is annoying because it sets his allergy off but he changed after I went mad on him a few times

There is hope!

Pamplemousecat · 13/09/2019 12:19

Please don’t tie yourself any further to this man. It is crystal clear from your post that he is a controlling abuser. Set yourself free . Don’t forget his reaction to this he has genuinely shown you who he is. That and by pro rating your chores according to financial contribution. Utter dick head. You can do better and you will I promise Flowers

SunshineCake · 13/09/2019 12:25

@Milosunshine - are you okay? It must be a shock to have your partner and relationship criticised like this. What will you do ?

Ellisandra · 13/09/2019 12:26

There are many ways to split the bills, and though I have my own opinion on what is most fair, other ways are also valid.

Bills has got NOTHING to do with housework.

That should based on free time.

I earn loads more than my husband. I cover our full house costs, the only thing he pays for is approx half the food (as we just say whoever goes shopping, pays). Of course I still cook and clear up!

Some days he does more than me - he works 4 days to my 5. I feel that’s fair, as does he. But there is no formal agreement - and I would NEVER tell him what to do! I might say - genuine convo, not hinting - I’ll cut the grass, and he says - I’m off work tomorrow, relax, I’ll do it.

We respect each other. He’s not my personal skivvy because I pay the bills!!!