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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner pays more towards rent so expects me to do all the chores. AIBU?

187 replies

Milosunshine · 13/09/2019 07:09

I’ve lived with my partner for nearly 2 years. It has always been he pays the full rent, gas and electric etc. and I pay the food bill, council tax, tv & broadband. He was the one that suggested it was divided like this.

I do all the housework, cooking and general errands that need running. We both work full time however I am in earlier than him. It’s the second week back from the holidays, I work in a sen school and it’s been quite tiring. He’s pointed out today that the fridge and microwave needs cleaning, I asked could he do it when he gets in from work later and he’s completely lost his shit. He said he pays more of the rent and he shouldn’t be expected to do anything it should be all down to me. I don’t mind doing 90% of the chores, but was I unreasonable to ask just this once if he could help me?

OP posts:
Rainbowknickers · 13/09/2019 08:40

Wow
I work part time my fella (normally) works full time
(He’s just lost his job)
He pays for rent WiFi tv package water gas electric etc
I pay for food cleaning products (like washing powder surface cleaner and dishwasher tablets etc) all our shampoo toothpaste etc clothes shoes and if we redecorate I pay for the paint
Big stuff like a new fridge or whatever-it’s who has the money at that second
We also do roughly 50/50 of the housework
We tend to do our own chores like I do the washing or he’ll turn everything blue and I wipe the bathroom clean but he hoovers as I hate it and he’ll do the bins as I’d forget which day
I’d be showing your bloke the door

bookwormsforever · 13/09/2019 08:41

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

BUT your h treats you terribly. Why on earth do you do 90% of chores? He's a selfish, lazy fucker.

Flowsers in no way compensate for him treating you like a skivvy. And it's stupid of him to think they do.

If you both work FT you should share the chores.

LTB.

FixTheBone · 13/09/2019 08:44

Sounds massively inequitable, but you need to take into account all things other than the money.

In my marriage, my wife does the lion's share of the housework, and I earn most of the cash, BUT, I do work full time (her, part time) and travel 60miles further to work, and do extra shifts to make ends meet, so you need to take the sum of contributions.

You need to both have an honest conversation about what you each contribute both in terms of cash, but also time and effort spent and come up with a plan that divides it equitably, for example I quite enjoy cooking, and dont mind cleaning the bathrooms, but hate ironing.

I would say in a true partnership, if you both work the same hours, and there's no possibility of a career that evens up the salaries, then that is largely irrelevant, ask him how he would feel if he was the one earning less for the same hours, then being expected to come home and do all the housework.

RiftGibbon · 13/09/2019 08:45

When DH and I first moved in together, I was earning more.
We sat down and went through the bills, and worked out what amount we would each need to contribute to cover those (and allow a little extra for emergencies). That was all paid into as joint account and covered all shared expenses. Anything earned over this amount was for the individual to use as they wished.
We shared household tasks because we both loved there, and worked similar hours.

Now, many years later, I am a SAHP and DH works. As I am at home, I do more chores, but he still does his share. And if there is a day that I don't get things done, then there are no recriminations or guilt trips.

Kpo58 · 13/09/2019 08:45

Blimey there’s some shit men around.

I do wonder how in 2019, it’s still this bad

Probably because there isn't a form of freedom program for children so that they know what a relationship should be like, especially if the "normal" relationships that they people around them that they know are like the OPs. It would be good for teenagers to know what the red flags are and know how to leave early into a relationship, rather than spending years with these people. It would also teach the.other partner how to behave too.

RiftGibbon · 13/09/2019 08:46

^lived there. I mean, we did love there too, but it's irrelevant to this discussion thankyou autocorrect.

Starlight456 · 13/09/2019 08:52

ultimately he does not consider you his equal..

That will always be an issue

I am sorry for your loss.

The fact you think he was good in your pregnancy shows you are already at the stage of been grateful for any little thing he does..What does he appreciate you do????

This will get worse not better if you have a baby with this man.

irrelevant in a way but what is he doing while you are doing the household jobs?

YobaOljazUwaque · 13/09/2019 08:52

Are you partner and partner or master and skivvy?

You have been unreasonable to put up with this inequality for so long. He is used to his superior attitude now and won't change it easily so best off starting afresh with someone who knows the meaning of the word "partner".

If you both have a full time job then chores are divided equally, regardless of salary.

Abouttimemum · 13/09/2019 08:55

Money is irrelevant. It’s a partnership.
Lots of people have summed this up better than I could already and I won’t add to it.
But I want to add to the chorus of don’t have children with this man. I go to so many baby groups with women whose partners do nothing and the women are on their knees.
I’m really sorry for your loss.

Foslady · 13/09/2019 08:55

Go. Please go.

I was that woman. It turned into full blown financial and emotional abuse. It took me years to recover.

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 08:56

@ineedaholidaynow

Which is why my recommendation was to hire a cleaner.

FantasticButtocks · 13/09/2019 08:57

You could ask him - 'Is your insistence that you pay the larger contribution out of some sort of generosity or chivalry? Or is it actually because you think doing that gives you some kind of higher position/power where you get to dictate how much housework we both do or don't do?

Hadalifeonce · 13/09/2019 09:02

TwentyEight12, but that doesn't solve the problem of the DP treating her appallingly, he will no doubt find something else to be obnoxious about.

Tensixtysix · 13/09/2019 09:04

It sounded fair, until he started to point out bits that you haven't done.
That's a big red flag!
He needs to keep his nose out of your 'duties'. Once he starts to micromanage like this, it will only get worse.

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 09:08

@Hadalifeonce

Which is why I previously said:

‘But, it doesn’t give him the right to be rude to you.’

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 13/09/2019 09:09

He's a lazy twat. I think as you both work full time you should do 50/50. Why does it matter who pays what if you're both working the same hours? I'd have told him he can bloody do it himself.

LuMacedo · 13/09/2019 09:09

He should be more comprehensive...
It's not like you're his maid... or if he's making you a favour...

ShiftHappens · 13/09/2019 09:10

twenty, but you still think it is ok for him to expect to do more at home because of a lower income.

Amara123 · 13/09/2019 09:10

My husband and I earn different amounts. This means I contribute more to the household budget, think 60:40. We share the household work out. Just because society thinks I should be paid more doesn't mean I get to make a servant out of him! Be careful, you have one life.

Honeyroar · 13/09/2019 09:12

Twenty eight are you suggesting that if you live with someone who earns more than you you should either spend every spare penny you have splitting the bills (leaving you with nothing and them with loads to spare) or else you should do all the housework to make up for it? Not much of a loving partnership really, is it? It would be better to add up the total outgoings needed and split it in ratio to their earnings - ie, they both pay 40% or 50% of their income, however much that may be (whatever percentage is needed to cover everything). Then split chores too. The way this guy speaks to her is as if he has bought her and she owes him chores.

Tooner · 13/09/2019 09:15

Was the rest of the house clean and tidy OP. Just wondering if it was, then he was looking for anything which he could have a go at you for because its strange he specifically said to clean the fridge and microwave. Were they so filthy it was noticeable?

Have a really good think if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Thee are some lovely men out there who equally share the housework regardless of their earnings.

The one you have is a bad egg.

Tensixtysix · 13/09/2019 09:21

I've always done the lion share of the housework. All the cooking, cleaning and washing. But he knows NOT to ever criticize anything I do!
Coz, he'll end up wearing his dinner and looking like a tramp in dirty clothes...

user1494670108 · 13/09/2019 09:21

I'm a sahm to secondary school kids so I have plenty of free time.
I do more or less all chores including birthdays etc but even still my dh wouldn't dream of pointing out that the fridge or microwave needed cleaning!
Your partners behaviour is appalling, money does not equate to chores it sounds like he feels he's paying for you to do these which is inherently wrong

Willowkins · 13/09/2019 09:23

Nevermind that he is paying you £10 a day to do all the housework, where's the love?

Ohyesiam · 13/09/2019 09:23

Op please don’t go on to have children with this man. You will be so overworked.
Has a pp pointed out you do a much larger proportion of the work than he pays in bills( if you want to think of it as work =bills, which to me is a dodge equation anyway).
He is an adult and needs to pull his weight. You may be a vey convenient housekeeper, but is that what you want for yourself?

My DH is a teacher and works every evening and weekend, so I do a larger share of house stuff , but if I ever got anything like the attitude you got, there would be hell. And as for buying you flowers so therefor you need to shut up and put upAngry.
Op, really think about what you want from your life. Get clear in your head what isn’t working for you and start talking to him. I know the MN belief is that people can’t change and that he will only get worse , but that’s not my experience, and I have to go outside my comfort zone to be assertive and clear so it’s not like I can bully them into submission! If he is willing to change, give it a go, if not......

I’m so sorry for your miscarriage Flowers, hope you can find a way through this x

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