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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner pays more towards rent so expects me to do all the chores. AIBU?

187 replies

Milosunshine · 13/09/2019 07:09

I’ve lived with my partner for nearly 2 years. It has always been he pays the full rent, gas and electric etc. and I pay the food bill, council tax, tv & broadband. He was the one that suggested it was divided like this.

I do all the housework, cooking and general errands that need running. We both work full time however I am in earlier than him. It’s the second week back from the holidays, I work in a sen school and it’s been quite tiring. He’s pointed out today that the fridge and microwave needs cleaning, I asked could he do it when he gets in from work later and he’s completely lost his shit. He said he pays more of the rent and he shouldn’t be expected to do anything it should be all down to me. I don’t mind doing 90% of the chores, but was I unreasonable to ask just this once if he could help me?

OP posts:
AnneWeber · 13/09/2019 07:35

Sorry for your loss.
It's even worse that he actually points housework out for you to do. I guess if you had a baby you'd be doing 90% of the nappy changing and night waking too!

nonmerci · 13/09/2019 07:37

Sorry for your loss OP but I would treat this behaviour as a major wake up call. If you do have a child with him he will expect you to do all of the childcare as well as the chores. He sounds controlling and abusive. Leave while you have chance.

cantfindname · 13/09/2019 07:42

This is not a partnership.

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 07:42

What is the real difference in the amount you pay each month? It’s not the list of bills you each pay as that does not tell us anything significant about the quantity of monies involved.

Let’s say you pay £300 per month and he pays £1000 a month.

That is a significant difference and yes you should be doing more around the house to compensate. But, it doesn’t give him the right to be rude to you. It is possible for him to just ask you if you could clean the microwave or whatever when you have the opportunity.

Deathraystare · 13/09/2019 07:43

He threw back in my face that he brought me home flowers yesterday

Big fucking deal!

Stompythedinosaur · 13/09/2019 07:43

I don't believe that someone who loved you would treat you like that.

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 07:44

Tell him that he can use the money he spent on flowers to pay a cleaner.

EarlyBird39 · 13/09/2019 07:45

He thinks you're his maid, and that what he pays implies you to be a cleaner and everything else. The flowers are no a thank you, are another payment for you to keep doing it.

Leave this man while you can, and don't look back.

candycane222 · 13/09/2019 07:46

Ugh, just no. Are you a partner or a paid housekeeper?? That is so demeaning, do you really belive your work is less important than his? Im sure its exhausting!!

And as for him losing his shit at you for a perfectly reasonable request to act like a partner, rather than a boss...yuk yuk yuk.

His attitude that he is basically paying you for services and therefore entitled to boss you around really stinks, and tbh Im a bit shocked you ever went along with it. Time for a rethink I reckon.

ThanosSavedMe · 13/09/2019 07:47

Fuck that shit. He will get worse not better. Leave whilst you still can

WeirdAndPissedOff · 13/09/2019 07:48

OP, please have a think about what your future with this man will look like - is he going to resent your lack of contribution whilst on maternity leave? Take care of all night waking, childcare and housework? Plus work on top when you return.

YANBU, of course. IMO housework (and childcare) should be split so both partners have roughly an equal workload and downtime, regardless of earnings. If the unequal financial contribution is causing resentment, then you both need to discuss to see if any (sensible and fair) changes can be made, and if not whether that is a deal-breaker for him. But he doesn't get to hold it against you, or have you be his skivvy

thebakerwithboobs · 13/09/2019 07:48

Run. For. The. Hills.

Original poster
Milosunshine · 13/09/2019 07:49

The rent including gas and electric is roughly 750/800. For the food shop, council tax and tv/broadband it’s about 450/500. I have offered to pay more but he refuses as he says he is on a higher income. I wish he would let me pay more then maybe he would consider us equal!

OP posts:
Halo1234 · 13/09/2019 07:49

His logic is wrong. The Bills and the housework are not linked. Everyone has to clean their house he is 100% wrong to assume he should be doing less than 50%.
I work part time and my dh full time so I do more housework and more with the kids but I have more time to do it and he still does some. That's the only fair link between work and household chores it shouldn't be about money u are a team it doesn't matter who earns and therefore pays more. U both work full time. He isnt being nice to you.

PuffHuffle5 · 13/09/2019 07:51

What is the real difference in the amount you pay each month?

Completely irrelevant. They both spend the same amount of time at work so should be equally responsible for household chores. Can’t believe someone’s actually prepared to defend or agree with this dickhead Hmm

Hooferdoofer37 · 13/09/2019 07:52

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!

You are not his slave, or his employee. He has not purchased you with his contribution to household expenses.

Imagine how awful your life would be if you were on maternity leave with barely any money; what kind of services would he get angry with you for not providing then?!?

Leave him and tell everyone you know why, so hopefully no other woman gets stuck with him.

donquixotedelamancha · 13/09/2019 07:52

The word partner does not mean what you think it means.

I don’t mind doing 90% of the chores

Before your next relationship, please take some time to figure out why you feel you are not worth treating as an equal.

He sees you as a cheap live in housekeeper.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/09/2019 07:52

So he pays 60% of the bills and you 40% yet the housework is 90%/10%?

I'd insist he starts taking on the extra 30% to balance.

Well, I wouldn't, I'd leave him. But call that Plan B.

candycane222 · 13/09/2019 07:52

And I totally disagree with TwentyEight12. OP has a job already. I am assuming the inequality in financial contribution is because important jobs like helping SEN kids are undervalued by society compared to whatever the dp does - or maybe he's just older and on a higher pay grade (or maybe our society suffers from structural sexism!). None of that entitles him to buy her leisure time, her autonomy and her dignity.

Isleepinahedgefund · 13/09/2019 07:53

So basically he think he is buying a) your services and b) the right to pull you up on what you're not doing? Fuck that for a laugh.

It will only get worse OP. Childcare and associated costs will be solely down to you and it will be your fault/problem if thugs go wrong. He won't lift a finger with the baby because he's paying more so you should do all the work.

Don't expect him to change because he won't. He's proven that he can put on an act for a while hasn't he, and then reverts to type. My DD's father was like that, and I tell you he was so much worse after baby arrived.

Isleepinahedgefund · 13/09/2019 07:53

Have a look at the freedom programme "king of the castle" profile and see if it resonates with you...

willowmelangell · 13/09/2019 07:55

So HE suggested how to divide bills/expenses, and insists you do the cleaning as part of the 'agreement'
New Plan.
Work out household running costs. Split 50/50
Point out you won't work a full time job and then come home to a cleaning 'job'.
Ease up on all that cooking and running around. If he was single he would have to cook, clean, run errands, do chores. He is quite capable and is taking advantage of you.

ControversialFerret · 13/09/2019 07:56

He sounds vile - and cheap. If I spend a tenner on a bunch of flowers, will you come round and do all of my chores for me?

If he really was respecting and appreciating everything you do, then he'd be pulling his weight and doing his fair share. Paying the share of bills proportionately according to income is only fair. Following his logic, if you are doing all of the chores then why are you paying any bills at all?

He's treating you like a domestic appliance. Very sorry about your MC but I'd dump this loser and find a better bloke to build a life with.

BarbariansMum · 13/09/2019 07:56

Do NOT have a child w this man. He's a lazy prick, he treats you like a second class citizen and he's just the sort to be financially abusive when you're tied to him with a child. You'll have all the responsibility for it, will compromise your career to accommodate this and then he'll have you right where he wants you.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage, truly but there is nothing but misery for you with this guy.

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 07:56

So he pays £300 a month more in bills than you do.

In a year that amounts to £3000!

Yes that is quite a significant difference.

How much would it cost for you two to get a cleaner and pay for that cleaner between you? I think that is your answer to the division of household labour.

Regards splitting of bills, I would suggest you tell him you wish to be equal in paying them. No more arguments then.