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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner pays more towards rent so expects me to do all the chores. AIBU?

187 replies

Milosunshine · 13/09/2019 07:09

I’ve lived with my partner for nearly 2 years. It has always been he pays the full rent, gas and electric etc. and I pay the food bill, council tax, tv & broadband. He was the one that suggested it was divided like this.

I do all the housework, cooking and general errands that need running. We both work full time however I am in earlier than him. It’s the second week back from the holidays, I work in a sen school and it’s been quite tiring. He’s pointed out today that the fridge and microwave needs cleaning, I asked could he do it when he gets in from work later and he’s completely lost his shit. He said he pays more of the rent and he shouldn’t be expected to do anything it should be all down to me. I don’t mind doing 90% of the chores, but was I unreasonable to ask just this once if he could help me?

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 13/09/2019 09:26

So he earns more? How much more? What % of your income are you spending on your family expenses? And how much of your free time are you spending on taking care of that family otherwise, like cleaning and cooking and so on?

I bet he has a lot more comfortable life..

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 09:33

ShiftHappens - just because you get paid less than someone else, doesn’t mean the real actual cost of living in real life suddenly becomes a different amount.

If the OP were to live on her own she would have to find ALL the money to pay for her cost of living and be doing ALL the household chores regardless.

If the OP rented in a flatshare or houseshare with others, the OP would have to financially contribute an equal amount and do an equal amount of household chores.

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 09:40

@Honeyroar

What you have suggested is a really good idea. That could be an answer to the original poster’s problem.

I would still add getting a cleaner in so that can’t be seen as inequality by either side.

ShiftHappens · 13/09/2019 09:44

If the OP rented in a flatshare or houseshare with others, the OP would have to financially contribute an equal amount and do an equal amount of household chores.

I think this is the whole point of the thread - it is not a flatshare but a relationship. OP was even pregnant with their child.

thecatsthecats · 13/09/2019 09:45

If the OP were to live on her own she would have to find ALL the money to pay for her cost of living and be doing ALL the household chores regardless.

Still, no one would be telling her to clean the microwave, eh?

I actually earn more than my husband, work shorter hours, and live a 20m walk from the office, whereas his commute can be up to 4h.

We pay bills 50:50, and I probably do about 70% of the chores. We have a cleaner, low standards, and we'd never dream of ordering the other one to do a chore.

In a hectic week like this one, the closest we get is to look vaguely at the offending item and go, 'eh, that needs sorting', as if saying so will magically make it happen.

TheABC · 13/09/2019 09:47

Oh, OP. You are worth so much more than this.

My DH has been the main earner for the past three years as I have been at home with the kids. He still does his share of the chores.

If you stay, I can guarantee this situation will continue to eat away at you. If there is no respect, eventually there will be no love.

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 09:49

ShiftHappens

Are you saying that being pregnant cancels out your responsibility and accountability to pay the real cost of living then?

Are you also saying that being in a relationship cancels out your responsibility and accountability to be financially equal then?

I despair. As women we want to be equal. Women have fought for equality for 100s of years and now what are we saying? We don’t want to be equal because it doesn’t fit our personal circumstances?

SlightlySleepy · 13/09/2019 09:51

He contributes a bit extra to the bills and gets a free servant! Lucky you.

Or you could leave and find a real man.
If you really want to be with him, tell him he has one last chance to pull his weight, that's 50%, not 10!

ShiftHappens · 13/09/2019 09:54

Are you also saying that being in a relationship cancels out your responsibility and accountability to be financially equal then?

I think we have completely different ideas about relationships so I am not taking your bait! Good luck in your life. you will need it with this kind of attitude Smile

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 09:57

thecatsthecats

As I previously stated:

‘But it doesn’t give him the right to be rude to you’

SVRT19674 · 13/09/2019 10:01

You're his paid slave? I'm astounded.

BigChocFrenzy · 13/09/2019 10:01

"Are you also saying that being in a relationship cancels out your responsibility and accountability to be financially equal then?"

Equality is NOT the lower income person - if ft - having to do more chores to compensate

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 10:01

ShiftHappens

There is no need to rude just because we have a difference of opinion.

It is possible to discuss with another without flinging low and/or demeaning remarks.

The OPs partner has done that to her and not one person on here as far as I can see, including myself, has agreed that his rudeness is ok.

Your rudeness to me is not ok either.

calmpuppycrazykids · 13/09/2019 10:02

He is a knob, I’d leave him and his poxy house
let him get a cleaner
I also agree with pp don’t have children with this man

fussychica · 13/09/2019 10:03

Just leave. You do not want a baby with this man. You miscarried just 2.5 weeks ago for God's sake. He sounds vile.

LolaSmiles · 13/09/2019 10:09

TwentyEight12
You really are starting to sound like an MRA in places.

Equally in a relationship doesn't have to mean everything being the same. It's about both partners respecting each other and their contribution.

If two people work full time, the one earning more doesn't have a right to decide that them earning more makes them exempt from a fair share of household responsibilities.

Helpel · 13/09/2019 10:13

Twentyeight12 your logic is totally flawed. I earn £15,000 a year more than my dh, despite working 4 days a week to his 5. On your logic because I earn more I should sit back and let him pick up more of the chores. Sounds great, I'll just sit on butt every Friday right?! No, we split the housework 50/50 because we both do hard jobs outside the home and know that it's not fair that either one of us has a harder job inside the home

yearinyearout · 13/09/2019 10:14

Why do you have this arrangement? Can't you just split the rent and bills and split the chores? Although it sounds like he wouldn't do his bit anyway!

ThirstyGhost · 13/09/2019 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/09/2019 10:15

What the ACTUAL fuck!! I'd have shoved the microwave up his arse!

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 10:17

LolaSmiles

What is an MRA? I don’t know what that is to be honest.

PuffHuffle5 · 13/09/2019 10:18

So what if the higher earner works less hours than the lower earner?? Some part time jobs pay more than a full time minimum wage. I think this whole idea is insane. I think this is only the second time I’ve ever written this but definitely LTB.

Pemba · 13/09/2019 10:19

Twenty Eight I don't agree with your view of finance within relationships. It is nothing to do with women being hypocritical in not wanting to be 'financially equal' and this being somehow anti feminist.

I believe that a couple in a relationship should take care of each other. That's part of a loving relationship. How is it right that the lower earner pays, relative to their income, a much higher proportion of bills in the household and thus is left with next to nothing for spending or saving for the future, whilst the higher earner gets to indulge themselves /squirrel away £££s?

That is not what a loving relationship should be. Like it says in the marriage service 'all my worldly goods I share with you'. I would say the same about a same sex couple, so it is hardly anti feminist.

Yes you can not expect a flat sharer to do the same, because that's a totally different situation!

ThirstyGhost · 13/09/2019 10:20

"What is an MRA? I don’t know what that is to be honest."

Men's Rights Activist. The poster was saying that you sound like one because of some of your arguments.

finn1020 · 13/09/2019 10:20

OP his attitude towards you is not what you’d expect from a relationship based on mutual respect. He might have apologised, but I bet it’s not because he didn’t mean it, it’s because he wants an easy life with you looking after him so he’ll say that to keep you sweet but he truly thinks it’s your job to skivvy for him. If you have kids, make sure you charge him the going rate for childcare as part of your household contribution as he won’t do any.