Partner pays more towards rent so expects me to do all the chores. AIBU?

[Milosunshine]

I’ve lived with my partner for nearly 2 years. It has always been he pays the full rent, gas and electric etc. and I pay the food bill, council tax, tv & broadband. He was the one that suggested it was divided like this.

I do all the housework, cooking and general errands that need running. We both work full time however I am in earlier than him. It’s the second week back from the holidays, I work in a sen school and it’s been quite tiring. He’s pointed out today that the fridge and microwave needs cleaning, I asked could he do it when he gets in from work later and he’s completely lost his shit. He said he pays more of the rent and he shouldn’t be expected to do anything it should be all down to me. I don’t mind doing 90% of the chores, but was I unreasonable to ask just this once if he could help me?

To give him the benefit of the doubt if it's the first time he's been like this perhaps he still grieving the loss of your baby??? 🤷‍♀️

being harsh you agreed to this split of work/money? His reaction was wrong but maybe say to him "ok then I'll pay more rent and you start doing some housework" - see what he says??

How much would it cost for you two to get a cleaner and pay for that cleaner between you? I think that is your answer to the division of household labour.

eh? is that how relationships work? the lower earner has to make up the shortfall in earnings with domestic duties? Jeez!

TwentyEight can you explain your logic why paying less bills means you do more housework.

I can understand if they both earn the same and there is a disparity in bill paying, and the one paying less then spends all their spare cash on themselves rather than luxuries like holidays for them both. But this doesn’t seem to be the case here.

What happens if one person earns significantly less than their other half but works the same or more hours, should they still be doing more of the housework eg they are a carer and their other half is a company director. It is, unfortunately, still to be most likely to be the woman to have the lower earnings in a relationship, so by default should it always be the woman doing the housework?

Please think hard about whether to continue this relationship.

You will be having this argument for the rest of your life if you stay with him.

He will never consider you equal, he will always see you as the domestic skivvy. He will never let you pay equally so that he can get free domestic services.

It is 2019, why are you ruining your life by being with someone who sees women this way?

Miscarriages are traumatic, but see this as a blessing in disguise that you now have the chance to get away from a man who will always treat you as a domestic slave.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage OP.

Please do whatever you can to get out of this relationship.

You know what, there's all sorts of arrangements that work between couples, because almost anything can work when both individuals treat each other with respect, gratitude and love.

Last night I packed my husband's weekend stuff, ironed his shirts and sorted out as much as I could for him. Why? Because I got home at 5, and he wasn't back until midnight, and in the middle of his long working evening, he took an hour to check over some of my work in his area of speciality.

There are plenty of decent human beings out there. Don't tie yourself to this shitbag any further.

TwentyEight12

So by your logic if he paid all the bills the op should do all the housework?

If she left, he'd pay all the bills and he'd have to do all the housework.

Surely being with someone is a partnership where everything is everyone's responsibility, not a dictatorship where one person gets to dictate what the other does based on financial, or any other form of contribution

Either stop doing all the housework and point out he can help.
Or leave as this isn`t what you really want for a future together.
As someone pointed out,if he lived on his own he would have to pay for everything and do all house work/cooking/shopping washing etc.

Wow what a pig

@ineedaholidaynow

I have explained my logic via mathematical sums.

One person pays £300 a month less than the other towards the cost of living for two people.

No it shouldn’t ‘always be the woman doing the housework’. Nor should it always be the man.

My recommendation was to hire a cleaner.

The rent including gas and electric is roughly 750/800. For the food shop, council tax and tv/broadband it’s about 450/500. I have offered to pay more but he refuses as he says he is on a higher income. I wish he would let me pay more then maybe he would consider us equal!

This is really important. He's preventing you from paying half, and then claiming that you have to do all the chores because you don't pay half!

Revisit the conversation and tell him you want to split the bills and the chores in half. So you want to sit down this weekend and work out household bills, and a list of chores, so you can divide them both equally.

He doesn't really want you to pay half, he just wants to do zero chores, so call his bluff and raise his chores to 50% ;)

Also, put having kids on hold until this is resolved. Kids add a lot of work to the list, and at the moment you're likely to end up with all of it.

YANBU to not want this arrangement, be surprised given it sounds like something that wasn’t openly discussed or agreed between you, or not tolerate him ‘losing his shit’ when you asked him a simple question.

However you do need to come to an agreement that works for both of you about how you share resources and chores. He doesn’t need to pay more to the bills any more than you need to do more than half the chores. If the money comes with conditions you dislike don’t accept it. Or split up.

Ha ha ha! NO.

My dad was a firefighter, massively stressful job that affected him mentally and physically... night shifts, regular training obviously. His wage paid for everything. Mum SAHM. He still hoovered, hung washing out, cooked and cleaned, did most of the "dirty" jobs like cleaning out the oven when it needed it. He still works now, different job, and my mum (who worked a while) has retired. He still does housework.

I cannot stand men like this who expect women to do all the domestic chores. I'm a single parent now and both my boys (7 and 3) help with housework and hopefully I'll raise them right.

I think thecats post sums up my thoughts perfectly. For me the most important characteristics of a loving relationship is kindness and respect. DH and I pick up the slack for one another depending on how busy life is, we are a team, we don’t keep track of who does what.

A miscarriage is an awful thing for you both to go through. Assuming this isn’t a one-off I’m afraid I would struggle to see a future with this individual based on his views on equality in the relationship.

Revisit the conversation and tell him you want to split the bills and the chores in half

No no do not be so naive. A man who is happy to disallow the OP to pay half so he can manipulate domestic services for free, is not someone any intelligent woman should be in a relationship.

If you must revisit the conversation then be much tougher: you will leave unless he can demonstrate that he understands women are not the domestic gatekeepers and all chores should be split regardless of who pays what.

I wish he would let me pay more then maybe he would consider us equal!

He wouldn't consider you to be equals even if you did. He would find a different excuse to makes the housework your responsibility.

You both work so you should both do the housework. Who earns more is irrelevant. He currently consider you to be his live-in maid. Is there anything else he expects you to do because he earns more?

Why does he feel comfortable to lose it with you? Arrangements like who does what around the house should be made by mutual agreement. He has no right to lose it because you've suggested something different from what he understood or was expecting. Getting angry is designed to make sure you don't question the arrangement again.

Please don't TTC again with this man. At the very least, stand up to him, tell him he doesn't ever get to lose his shit like that because you asked him to do something and insist on a fair share of housework going forward. By fair I mean you do half each; not it's fair that you do more because xxxx.

If you can't challenge him, that tells you it isn't a healthy relationship and you need to walk away. If he refuses to listen, the same applies. Nobody who loves you wants to use you as a housekeeper.

Bringing a child into this will make it a lot worse for you. Please don't make yourself more vulnerable by getting pregnant again.

TwentyEight surely it should be more down to hours not money though. You could have 2 people in a relationship, say one is a really high earner even though they only work 3 days a week. The other person works full time but earns a fraction of their partner, so they contribute less to the bills. Are you saying that they should do more housework or pay a cleaner out of their wages, whilst their partner sits at home twiddling their thumbs?

In fact what it should really come down to is working as a partnership. So if someone is SAHP to very young children, it should be recognised that although they are at home more looking after DC can be very hard work so everyone mucks in together to get everything done.

Sorry about your mc op

The amount earned is irrelevant imo. You both work full time so housework should be split 50/50. Your dp is an arse and if my dh pointed out the microwave needed cleaning, he would be needing it surgically removed

Don't put up with it op, it's not ok

Do not have a baby with this man, he will treat you like shit and damage the child with his disgusting 1920s ideas and you will be a slave, you've only known him 2 years, leave him x

How old are you both OP? This sounds like an awful relationship with potential for abuse, if not already abusive. Do you have some close friends/family IRL to confide in?

Blimey there’s some shit men around.

I do wonder how in 2019, it’s still this bad.

I’m going to be nicer to dh 🤣🤣

I am finding it concerning that you think nothing of having to do pretty much all of the housework when you both work full-time.

why is that? and what do you think will happen if you had a baby and your earnings would decrease even more.

I have been there. This is a downward slope. Run, darling. Run!

and sorry for your loss

LTB! I’m so sorry for your loss but definitely don’t try for another baby with him.

Do not marry or have babies with this man. Him having a go at you over this = massive red flags. He thinks you’re his skivvy and he can speak to you like shit. Not on.