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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner pays more towards rent so expects me to do all the chores. AIBU?

187 replies

Milosunshine · 13/09/2019 07:09

I’ve lived with my partner for nearly 2 years. It has always been he pays the full rent, gas and electric etc. and I pay the food bill, council tax, tv & broadband. He was the one that suggested it was divided like this.

I do all the housework, cooking and general errands that need running. We both work full time however I am in earlier than him. It’s the second week back from the holidays, I work in a sen school and it’s been quite tiring. He’s pointed out today that the fridge and microwave needs cleaning, I asked could he do it when he gets in from work later and he’s completely lost his shit. He said he pays more of the rent and he shouldn’t be expected to do anything it should be all down to me. I don’t mind doing 90% of the chores, but was I unreasonable to ask just this once if he could help me?

OP posts:
TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 07:58

Correction: £3600 and not £3000 a year.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 13/09/2019 07:59

Of course he doesn't want you to pay more, he'd lose his skivvy! Yes to what pp said, if you have a child with this man you will end up doing all the housework AND all the childcare! He shapes up or he ships out.

timeisnotaline · 13/09/2019 07:59

You offered to pay more and he didn’t accept? Oh op. I hope you are seeing your selfish scumbag of a partner more clearly now. Buy him a bunch of flowers (supermarket) and tell him that means he is cooking dinner and cleaning up.

clucky3 · 13/09/2019 07:59

Do not have a child with him, otherwise you will end up doing all the childcare AND the housework.

1000 times this. Sorry for your loss.

candycane222 · 13/09/2019 07:59

Ah cross posted. I see the inequality of the contribution is very much also bevause he is absolutely set on having a boss/servant relationship and has resisted ops desire to actually be equal partners.

I wonder if you are quite young op, because believe me, there are a lot of men out there who view women as fellow humans not staff. And also, as fellow humans not fragile lesser beings. Men like this are a lot more rewarding and fun to live with (and parent with).

Gilead · 13/09/2019 07:59

I had children with a man like this. I did everything; washing, cooking, cleaning, school run, lunches, parents evening, the lot. I have cooked with migraines and done the school run with a temperature. Not funny. Get out now, he will never let you pay more rent because he doesn’t want you to perceive yourself as equal.

Quartz2208 · 13/09/2019 08:00

So money is 60/40 but chores should be 90/10 or 100/0
By his (wrong) logic surely it should be 60/40 as well then
But really money doesn’t matter

ineedaholidaynow · 13/09/2019 08:00

What happens to any spare money?

TwentyEight why does the difference in the amount of bills they pay means OP has to do more housework, especially if they both work?

Also if you notice something needs doing you can do it yourself you don’t tell your partner to do it!

I am sorry for your loss OP Flowers

I would be seriously rethinking having a child with someone who loses his shit because you hadn’t cleaned the fridge. I would also be thinking that he would be expecting you to do everything in respect of the DC and pay for everything in respect of them even when on maternity leave.

Rhubardandcustard · 13/09/2019 08:01

You need a new arrangement you need to add up all the total house running costs together and then both pay in exact same percentage of your take him. As he earns more his share will Ben bigger but at least you’d both be contributing the same percentage of your earnings.
Then simply housework can be divided 50/50 too.
No arguments. And if he doesn’t want to do any housework, then add the cost of a cleaner to the total bills!
Sorry for your loss op. Please don’t let this man treat you like a doormat, I did and I wished I had stood up for myself or had someone telling me to at the time.

madcatladyforever · 13/09/2019 08:01

Not acceptable. You are in a partnership and both work full time so it doesn't matter who earns what.
Earning more money is not a get out of jail clause.
My exH earned three times less than me and still did not housework or gardening so he was dumped.
You are both spending an equal amount of time at work. The only way you should be doing more housework is if you work part time.
I now refuse to be with a man who treats me like a maid. I am worth more than that. So are you.

NiteFlights · 13/09/2019 08:02

*Let’s say you pay £300 per month and he pays £1000 a month.

That is a significant difference and yes you should be doing more around the house to compensate*

No! This is rubbish.

My DH earns 10x what I do. Theoretically you could say he pays all the bills - so I should do absolutely everything else? I don’t think so!

In reality I work PT and him FT so I do a lot more as it’s part of my ‘job’ - because I have TIME, nothing to do with earnings. At the weekends we do roughly equal amounts because we’re both at home. If I am tired after work in the week he will often make dinner.

Your partner is being a dick and his attitude is extremely worrying. I agree with PP who said treat this as a wake up call. I’m very sorry about your MC, and how you’re being treated. Please leave him, it will get exponentially worse if you have a baby. His not ‘allowing’ you to contribute more is a red flag for financially controlling behaviour. You’d be trapped if you had a child.

Wishing you the best.

ChickenyChick · 13/09/2019 08:03

So you are his housekeeper/maid.

Are you happy with that role?

I’d move out!

ifonlyus · 13/09/2019 08:03

Wow - are men getting worse or do we just hear about the worst of them on here? I so wish women had to do some kind of course to learn what a normal partnership looks like.

He obviously thinks women are there to serve men. He does not see you as his equal. I'd be very worried by his behaviour. If he has noticed the fridge and microwave need cleaning - which aren't even everyday regular chores - then he ought to do it. It almost feels like he is looking for mess to have a chance to tell you off and put you in your place. He's reminding you who has the most money and he thinks that means he has power over you.

Pointing out the flowers is something else that is controlling. A gift should be a strings-free offering. It should never be brought up in a conversation to barter.

I'm really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. However, I would urge caution before you go on to get pregnant to this man again. Read up on emotional abuse so you can more easily recognise what might be going on in your relationship. There's a book called 'if's he's so great why do I feel so bad?' but I am sure others can recommend useful reading.

RibenaMonsoon · 13/09/2019 08:03

Me and DH are in a similar financial arrangement.
Not once has he ever expected me to do what your partner has.

I would sit him down and explain how you feel. He can't hold the finances over your head and treat you like an unpaid skivvy.
Dont just offer to pay 50% of bills. Insist on it. He doesn't get the final say just because he earns more. It should be joint agreement.

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 08:04

@ineedaholidaynow

Why shouldn’t it matter?

HJWT · 13/09/2019 08:04

@Milosunshine tell him from now on you will both pay equal and do equal chores, since he wants to have such a big mouth over a simple request.

I am a SAHM, DH works & supports us/ I can have what money I want so i do 99% of everything. But he still comes home and cooks a meal after a long day if I ask him to, or puts DD to bed and tidy's the kitchen.

Your DP is an asshole ! X

Wheresthebeach · 13/09/2019 08:04

He's treating you like the hired help, and being dismissive as well.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, he should still be taking care of you at this stage.

He sounds awful, this won't get better. He's very controlling and if you have children it will only get worse.

PurpleWithRed · 13/09/2019 08:06

So he thinks his extra £300 month 'pays for' you doing his half of the housekeeping - cleaning, cooking and general errands. What exactly does he think your hourly rate is?

And he's refused your request to pay equal amounts in and for him to take responsibility for his share of the chores?

Sheryl Sandberg wisely said the most important decision you make in your life is who the father of your children is. This man thinks he can pay for your services. Don't choose him.

LolaSmiles · 13/09/2019 08:07

timeisnotaline
Has it not occurred to you that he actively wants and likes the financial imbalance because it gives him power and a bargaining card?
It means that the second he is asked to lift a finger he can say "but I pay the bills".

He's the sort of man who'll have children with a woman, expect her to do it all, enjoy the power of being the breadwinner but will refuse to marry because "we have children which is a much bigger commitment than children... Why do we need a big party to show we love each other". He knows he has a get out of jail card so he can check out and until then keep his partner doing everything and facilitating his career without the means to step out on her own when she wakes up.

There's too many MN threads showing how this plays out

Verily1 · 13/09/2019 08:08

Leave while you can!!!

MeanMrMustardSeed · 13/09/2019 08:09

Wow, the only thing more depressing than the low value he places on you is the low value you place on yourself. You get one shot at this life OP. I’d seriously have a think about how you want the next phase of your life to look. Particularly what example you want to set for any possibly daughters you have and the sort of man you’d want to father and nurture your sons.

RogersVideo · 13/09/2019 08:11

YANBU. DH pays 100% of the bills. He still does chores.

CuriousMama · 13/09/2019 08:12

My dh earns more than me and tbh when he's not at work he does more housework. He seems to enjoy it Confused I do a fair amount though. He cooks more too.

I hope you find the strength to get away from him. I know it's daunting but if you have dcs with him he'll get even worse. He's horrible.

lazylinguist · 13/09/2019 08:13

Why on earth would the distribution of chores be based on who earns what?! If you both work full time, you share the chores equally. If you are in earlier than him, maybe you do very slightly more than him, but that's all. He's absolutely taking you for a mug.

pinkyredrose · 13/09/2019 08:14

Why do you 'not mind' doing 90% of the chores? Confused how did you ever accept this to begin with?