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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think guests don't get to dictate the time they arrive?

176 replies

AndroidB · 12/09/2019 19:14

Is it rude to tell guests the time they want to arrive at your house isn't convenient, can they come earlier or later or another day etc? Dh thinks you let guests arrive when they want and it's rude not too and you are driving family and friends away if you suggest another more convenient time. AIBU to think the host isn't being rude to pick a convenient day and time for guests to arrive?

OP posts:

Boobiliboobiliboo · 12/09/2019 19:15

Are they coming for dinner or to stay?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2019 19:16

Your husband is bonkers.

TheRealShatParp · 12/09/2019 19:16

It’s fair enough guests saying when they’ll arrive and if it’s not convenient for you then it’s fair enough you saying that and suggesting an alternative time. Nothing to get stressed about.

MaryShelley1818 · 12/09/2019 19:16

I think it really depends on the context - for e.g. if someone invited me for tea on a Friday at 6pm, I might have to say that I don’t finish work in time and could get there for 7.30pm. I wouldn’t consider that being rude.

Original poster

AndroidB · 12/09/2019 19:17

Boobiliboobiliboo does it make it less rude or more rude if dinner and overnight stay involved?

OP posts:

Stressedout10 · 12/09/2019 19:18

Depends on whether its for a meal or a cuppa, and if it's friends or family. Also why you'd want a different time ie dr appointment or something you can easily change

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/09/2019 19:18

There's a world of difference between 'we can get to you by five on Friday,' and 'we're coming on Friday, be in at five'. So it depends.

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2019 19:19

I bet there’s a huge back story here...

Original poster

AndroidB · 12/09/2019 19:21

The only back story is my DH is a massive massive people pleaser. Other than that I was just curious what people thought was rude etc.

OP posts:

Brideof2020 · 12/09/2019 19:22

I think it depends on the situation, out of town visitors, that may only be here for weekend or whatever, I would be more likely to try and accommodate if I wanted to see them - but visitors that are local I would be more inclined to arrange a more convenient time. I don't think that is being unreasonable.

MakeItRain · 12/09/2019 19:23

It depends. If it's some sort of occasion where a few different people are coming, as the host I'd suggest a time (usually with a little flexibility)

If it's just for a friend or for family then we always work out the time together, depending on when we're both free.

Original poster

AndroidB · 12/09/2019 19:23

Also what would you say are reasonable reasons for a time or day not being convenient?

OP posts:

Beesandcheese · 12/09/2019 19:24

Well a bit of negotiation seems fair, these would be people you like and mutually workable plans is surely the aim?
A cautionary tale of those who take the piss: I once arrived 20 min early from a 3.5 hour drive and was told I had to entertain myself and piss off for a bit. So I wandered to the pub next door and had a glass of wine. Cue the call 25 min's later that we were late and it was bloody disrespectful. Yadda Yadda. And said couple wonder why we never bothered after that. "You really must come round again".

I respect people's boundaries but some hospitality and flexibility does show a natural welcome.

mindutopia · 12/09/2019 19:24

It’s fine for people to suggest a time that is convenient, but it doesn’t work for you, you just need to say so. I think most (sane) people wouldn’t want to know they had imposed at a bad time and you didn’t feel you could say no.

Then again my dh is a bit like yours and struggles to say no to anyone (thankfully, he has me to do that for him). He once literally could not bring himself to call and tell friends not to come for the weekend when he’d had a pipe burst. We literally had 2 small dc, a flooded kitchen with water pouring through the ceiling, no heat or hot water, and no either when the plumber might show up. But here came Friend 1 and Friend 2 for a weekend of being cooked for and entertained as we were mopping up the floor and freezing with no heat.

PuppyMonkey · 12/09/2019 19:24

Tell us it properly OP. What are they saying? Why is it not convenient?

Give us something to go on.

Raphael34 · 12/09/2019 19:27

If it’s inconvenient then any reason is reasonable. Though I would consider how much it would inconvenience the other person if I had to suggest a different time to them. For eg I have a parent who lives abroad and they can only afford the cheapest flights to visit which is generally the early hours of the morning. I don’t expect them to sit at the airport for hours until it’s convenient for me

gamerchick · 12/09/2019 19:28

Seriously, give us ruddy context OP. It's impossible to answer your question

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/09/2019 19:29

Why are you being so vague? How can you expect us to answer

Chloemol · 12/09/2019 19:32

You set the scene. If I have people coming I say ok that’s great. How about arriving for xxx time

Brideof2020 · 12/09/2019 19:34

Just to put into context after reading updates - out of town visitors staying somewhere else but say can we meet 4 on Saturday as they have other plans for their stay - If i already had something planned that could be rearranged then I think I would. Local person I would say we'll have to make it another time already have plans.
Out of town visitors coming to stay with you - fine I think to suggest alternative weekend or whatever if its not convenient. If your at work and you mean your visitors are welcome but nobody will be home til 6pm then I think that's fine too.
Not really sure why their arrival time would be a problem if your having guests to stay and you are expecting them.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 12/09/2019 19:35

How are they travelling? I'm often reliant on public transport which, in this neck of the woods is few and far between, so if I say I can get to yours for half 11 and you say I either have to be there at 10 or half 2 it might mean either that I spend £50 on a taxi or have to spend 3 hours wandering around a small town.

But, if you were unable to see me in the middle of the day I'd either suck it up or arrange another day.

If I was travelling by car I'd be far more flexible.

Grambler · 12/09/2019 19:36

I give you my SIL: invited for the weekend. Discussed dinner plans. Actually took her children out of school for the day and arrived mid-morning, when I was out. I eventually got home after lunch with two toddlers ready to put down for a 2 hour nap - during which I would have tidied/cleaned/made beds - to find her sitting in the car on the drive waiting for me.

And BIL: invited for a 3pm ceremony, rocked up at 8am. Sat on his arse watching YouTube until 3pm, watching us Do Everything, whilst offering to Do Nothing.

Now I don't even entertain a conversation about either of them visiting until I have in writing exact timings and expectations of food (i.e. no sudden dietary requests)

BlingLoving · 12/09/2019 19:37

You are being weirdly vague. the answer would depend massively on the situation. So, when I invite SIL for lunch and suggest a time, it annoys me intensely when she doesn't turn up until 2 hours later because that's convenient. But if we agree she'll pop by at some point for coffee, I couldn't care less what time she turns up.

Basically, if I'm preparing a meal or need to get things ready, I'd expect people to be respectful of the timings we've agreed. If it's more casual and/or they're coming from far away I'd arrange things to suit what time they're planning to turn up.

Original poster

AndroidB · 12/09/2019 19:37

What about grandparents visiting to see young dc and you have a playgroup to go to or they want to arrive at lunchtime and you would prefer they arrived later so you only have to provide a cup of tea and biscuits and not a naice lunch

OP posts:

Brideof2020 · 12/09/2019 19:39

Only if they want to roll up at 6am at the weekend .....suppose I would be saying that was inconvenient how about 9am

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