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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think guests don't get to dictate the time they arrive?

176 replies

AndroidB · 12/09/2019 19:14

Is it rude to tell guests the time they want to arrive at your house isn't convenient, can they come earlier or later or another day etc? Dh thinks you let guests arrive when they want and it's rude not too and you are driving family and friends away if you suggest another more convenient time. AIBU to think the host isn't being rude to pick a convenient day and time for guests to arrive?

OP posts:
Sewrainbow · 13/09/2019 13:42

So your dh needs to step up and cater for his family.

Tell him that unless he takes responsibility for decisions on meals and confirming arrangements the visits don't happen. He doesn't get to be the people pleaser saying yes to his family all the time but without doing any of the work.

I suspected it was your in laws and also that dh was to scared/lazy to want to say no to them.

Perhaps if next time he invites them you leave all preparations to him including house cleaning, sleeping arrangements, menu, food and arrival times, children's activities etc then he can see how stressful it is to organise and it helps to know plans in advance!

KUGA · 13/09/2019 13:44

If its for a meal and its being dished up at say 7pm ask them to arrive anytime between 6-15 and 6-45 so we can have a drink before the meal.
If its because they are stopping over I have done this,please be here between 4pm onwards. Its never been a problem.

spanglydangly · 13/09/2019 13:47

@AndroidB died he work 24/7? I presume not so he can help, stop excusing and enabling him.

spanglydangly · 13/09/2019 13:49

@Lefields that's your DH being disrespectful too you, not your ILs!

Weebitawks · 13/09/2019 13:49

I think reasonable people just work it out. Like if the host suggests a time and if for whatever reason it doesn't suit the guest they discuss. Works the other way round. It's not massive drama.

spanglydangly · 13/09/2019 13:50

*does he work

Sewrainbow · 13/09/2019 13:53

Just because you're sahm doesn't mean you've become the housekeeper to organise all this stuff.

I'm part time and will clean house before mil or my family arrives but dh takes active part in meal planning and does the cooking with me. He will also sort out arrangements within mum about times to arrive etc and will say so if inconvenient.

He gets annoyed with my family as they are notoriously bad at time keeping and arrangements. My mum in particular is a dreadful timekeeper and is usually the root of any lateness. He also says my siblings and I pander to her demands and he is right to a certain extent. He's often challenged me on some rule of etiquette that he thinks is daft and I've realised that I'm just parenting out some tripe my mum instilled in me that isn't anything than her opinions on things.

Are you in laws domineering? Does dh adhere to what their ideas of rudeness or etiquette is?

I'm not excusing his behaviour he certainly need to step up but it might explain why he is like he is.

billy1966 · 13/09/2019 13:55

Why did you marry a lazy twat who treats you like a servant to his family.

I would no more be doing that level of entertaining.

Don't invite them to these big lunches. End of.

Just say it's not happening.
Go and visit your family or take yourself off when some visits are happening.

You do not have to accept being treated so poorly.

Cook for your family, tell him sort out his.
Not your problem they can't stand each other.

If he's a lazy twat with one child, I would be looking at my finances, get back to work and prepare for the worst.
The alternative is to suck it up.

You accept this treatment, you have a life of being a doormat ahead of you.

Guests are politely but firmly told what works and we find a workable compromise.

youngestisapsycho · 13/09/2019 13:55

It's not the in-laws that are the problem... My DH works full time but he can cook a dinner and peel a carrot!

Original poster
AndroidB · 13/09/2019 14:03

Are you in laws domineering? Does dh adhere to what their ideas of rudeness or etiquette is? yes and yes this is definitely my dh

OP posts:
spanglydangly · 13/09/2019 14:06

@AndroidB do you think your DH is wrong to not help when you have guests, in particular his family?

Sweetooth92 · 13/09/2019 14:07

“We usually go to toddler group. why don’t you come early and take the DC there & then we can pop for lunch/I’ll make lunch for afterwards”

Sorted. DC Don’t miss out, you get someone else to chase them for a morning.

Or-as they’re your husbands parents he entertains them and they come when he’s off

rebecca102 · 13/09/2019 14:14

If someone asks if they can come over etc and suggest a time, if it doesn't suit I will just say it doesn't suit us. If another time doesn't suit them then soz it'll have to be another day.. what's so rude about that. I'm not going to re organise my day for someone. Other mums love asking to come over at lunch and I'm endlessly explaining that it's when my daughter sleeps and unless your kid wants to have a play date on their own at my house and be super quite then it'll have to be earlier in the day or later.

dayslikethese1 · 13/09/2019 15:07

So many threads like this on MN; your DH should sort out his family not you. I am annoyed on your behalf.

dayslikethese1 · 13/09/2019 15:08

And can't the ILs make themselves a sandwich?

BertrandRussell · 13/09/2019 15:08

“your DH should sort out his family not you. I am annoyed on your behalf.”

Or you should discuss it and sort out your family together.

Sewrainbow · 13/09/2019 16:51

Thought so op Sad

Everytime he raises the issue, point out the exact consequences to you/ dc.

In laws wont give time of arrival = no idea when to get meal for.

They want to come at 11am = dc at playgroup, why should they miss out? You've paid for it etc

Dictating what day they visit = disregards your time and other potential arrangements

When your parents visit they help out vs his don't.

X number of visits a month = x number of deep cleans, food shops planning and cooking time which takes your time away from caring for dc.

He needs to help or say no to so many visits or they have to accept that standards wont be what they're used to ie less formal cooked meals, you may be out with dc when they come etc

Every time he states an opinion on etiquette unless you agree, question him on it, is it reasonable or is it in laws being controlling?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 13/09/2019 17:12

Does your husband work full time on Christmas Day? Why is he not expected to lift a finger. Loads of people work full time AND do stuff around the house.

I think you are pissed off with your husband's refusal to do anything at home,, and, taking it out on his family.

Next time he agrees for them to all come around you should tell him, last minute, that you had arranged to visit your parents for the weekend. Then off you go (with it without your kids) and leave them to it.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/09/2019 17:34

But people who come to stay or to dinner are friends or family - you just discuss. How can this be an issue? Weird.

LonelyGir1 · 13/09/2019 18:19

I find it a little rude. Especially if you've agreed to meet during the day and the host says "come after 3". It's a really awkward time and wastes a lot of the day (just say come after lunch if you don't want to cook).

MutedUser · 13/09/2019 18:34

Big difference between telling a guest dinner is 5 and them saying I don’t finish work till 5 . Or telling a guest dinner is 5 and them saying I don’t want to eat till 6.

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2019 19:03

I will tell people, for example today when childless friend still hadn't turned up by 7pm kids bathtime that it;s too late and we'd love to see her another time, or else she'll be sitting on her own for an hour and then we go to bed one hour after that, with interrim of 30 mins cleaning. They can't just always swan up whenever they feel like it.

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2019 19:04

She was 4 hours late, btw.

WonderWomansSpin · 13/09/2019 19:09

You're letting your issues with DH cloud your judgement tbh. It doesn't have to be a constant negotiation about visiting. Choose a day when you will be available and then let them know eg 'we're always in on Fridays from 2pm.' Then, stick to that. Arrange your playgroups, etc on the other six days of the week.
Your argument that you can't cook them food because somehow it will end up as three christmas dinners is an odd escalation. Do you catastrophise a lot? Do you have anxiety?
Regardless, you need to take control of the situation with visiting. Don't filter everything through your DH. Speak to your ILs. Tell them when you're available.

stayathomer · 13/09/2019 19:36

GPs are family, can you not talk to them about it or just offer what's going as opposed to entertaining them? In relation to social etiquette in general I think when people like someone they let things slide and are more accommodating whereas if they don't want them then anything will put them on the defensive. I live away from home, dm, friends etc and my friends are great at accepting small notice to see me (hard to make plans with 4 kids and dhs work) or honest if they can't.