To think guests don't get to dictate the time they arrive?

[AndroidB]

Is it rude to tell guests the time they want to arrive at your house isn't convenient, can they come earlier or later or another day etc? Dh thinks you let guests arrive when they want and it's rude not too and you are driving family and friends away if you suggest another more convenient time. AIBU to think the host isn't being rude to pick a convenient day and time for guests to arrive?

If we travel to Dh’s family, around 5 hours away, we will usually get there around midnight.

There aren’t many people I’d call on for a cuppa at that time.

Forgot to add in those 2 examples grandparents don't live that far away and have a car

They’re guests, they come when asked. They can’t tell you when they’re coming because you have a life and other stuff to do. It’s rude if they dictate when they arrive.

How far away do the grandparents live?

There should be give and take on both sides and compromise. Neither party should dictate really unless there’s something on. Eg “kids have swimming lessons on Sunday mornings so you can come after lunch or on Saturday.”
“Come for dinner but we need to eat by 6 for the kids”.
Etc.

X post - if under an hour away, I would say after lunch is fine to visit grandchildren for the afternoon. Just say you will have already had lunch.

Also

“I’m coming to yours at 3pm on Tuesday” = not acceptable
But
“I’m passing yours at 3 on Tuesday are you available?” = totally fine

And are these your ILs?

With GPs that live nearby I think it’s fine to say DC has playgroup that day so we’re free after pick up at x time. Not wanting to provide lunch is a bit weird though, if you don’t have preplanned activities then I’d let that one slide and go out to a cafe or do something easy.

Surely the normal thing to do is
"Fancy coming round for dinner on sunday"
"Sounds great"
"What time can you make it"
"Half 6 sound good?"
" can we make that 7? I finisb work at 6"
"7 sounds good"

I think normally both sides decide. I would expect the host to give the vague time e.g. Sunday morning, Friday afternoon etc. But from then to negotiate the time

If it's just grandparents popping over I would expect a "is it alright if we pop over for a cup of tea at 10"
And then you either reply, Yes great! Or no, we are busy, or how about 11

Surely it's just communication on both sides?

Neither are rude!Convo went like this...
Mum: I'll get home from night away around 11.
Me "should I come at 2 so you have time to do x?
Mum: "was going to take kids to do that, maybe come at 1ish?"

None of it was rude I don't think. Just two adults working out what is best for both parties.

Local visitors, times need to be mutual.

Visitors from far away, are beholden to transit schedules or the realities of long drives. In that scenario, the host needs to make the time work if at all possible.

If I was driving to visit relatives for an hour I would expect to have a meal once I got there. It might be in a pub and paying for myself, but otherwise if you leave straight after lunch, 1.30 pm maybe, get there at 2.30 stay for 2-3 hours, I’d be bloody hungry before I got home.

That’s an hour driving, I mean.

'we normally go to playgroup at 10, could you make it 11.30?'

'would you mind coming after lunch, I am finding that the DC mess about if we have visitors here at meal times?'

I think it depends on the distance they are travelling, form of transportation and who they are (young family etc).

If they are coming a really long way, it might be hard for them to adjust arrival time.
If they are flying or getting a train or coach.

Me travelling by myself, I can easily hang around and entertain myself if I'm too early. If I was travelling with little one.. really not so easy.

Friends come up from London five hour drive minimum. They can arrive from 11pm onwards on a Friday depending on traffic. They have no choice, we are pleased to see them. Now dinner guests arriving late because they are either disorganised or bloody rude does set OH off. One family are always late and joke it is just their way. Funnily enough they have never missed a flight.

As a general rule, the longer the visit, the more leeway is normal in the arrival time.

"Visitors from far away, are beholden to transit schedules or the realities of long drives. In that scenario, the host needs to make the time work if at all possible."

Not really. If you've travelled for hours to get somewhere, having to amuse yourself for a few more hours shouldn't be a big problem. You just go and do something in town until your host is free.

God, no, guests need guidelines. Suggest the afternoon if you don't want to faff about making a decent lunch, unless the DC will be asleep in which case it's a bit mean to deny the GPs time with them.

The only guests whose arrival time I'll just accept are people requiring airport pick-ups. If anyone else's won't work, I'll tell them so, nicely.

It’s a negotiation and both parties come to a decisions that suits both. It’s not rocket science. It’s just about being straightforward.

Grandparents- we thoughts we would call in tomorrow around 11
DH- ah we’d love to see you, but we are busy till 1, can you come after that?
Grandparents- yeah sure! Ah sorry we are out in the afternoon ourselves, what about later in the week?

Unless there is a bug back story with overbearing inlaws and a spineless DH then your op is quite random

It massively depends on who the people are.
Someone I vaguely know, I’m expecting them to follow what is working for me.
Some very close friends or my parents would tell me when they are coming and I would let the: know if this is a real issue. We would come to an arrangement that work for both of us.

Am I right in thinking that your in laws have reached that point where every single thing they do is irritating?

We rely on public transport so sometimes we have times that we can get somewhere, especially if relying on cheap tickets.

I like to know if people are going to be around for meals so I can have enough in. I also find people randomly staying the night really really stressful (this doesn't happen very often any more as peers have kids).