To think guests don't get to dictate the time they arrive?

[AndroidB]

Is it rude to tell guests the time they want to arrive at your house isn't convenient, can they come earlier or later or another day etc? Dh thinks you let guests arrive when they want and it's rude not too and you are driving family and friends away if you suggest another more convenient time. AIBU to think the host isn't being rude to pick a convenient day and time for guests to arrive?

@Yabbers

If I haven't seen a friend for a while then I usually ask them if they want to have dinner after work one night or I would ask them to come over to my flat. I wouldn't just invite myself to their house, I think that's a bit rude. If they reply and invite me over then I'll happily go.

@Shoxfordian So if you want to see them they are summoned to yours, or have to go out, make more of an effort.

That's what's rude. "I want to see you, you come here to me"

I struggle with the MN idea that parents are "guests" who have to stick to required etiquette.
My in laws are sadly dead. But when they were alive and visited we would agree a day and ask them what time they would get here. We would say if we would not be home from work yet, but beyond that, we pretty much fitted around them.
But then I don't see providing a sandwich as a big deal. I meal plan and don't really keep snacks in the house, but I could always rustle up a sandwich. I also would see no issue with missing playgroup.

I do think a lot of MN are strange about other people. So many threads where people are so inhospitable to other people, and then other threads about having no friends.

We once went to stay with some friends who had moved away. They were so inhospitable and we had to fit round other things they had planned for the weekend - they had said they wanted us to visit. We never visited them again and haven't seen them for years. If you give out the message that visitors are just an inconvenience, then most simply won't bother a second time.

It amuses me that unspecified “guests” are always in laws.

@secondchapter we do the same, our family has an open door policy.

I think arriving early is equally as rude as arriving late. If you set a time, guests should adhere to it.

Also the idea that it is okay if people travel from a long way on public transport, to then say they have to hang around for a few hours in town because you don't want to see them yet, is to me incomprehensible. I said this once when I would not be home from work yet and could not leave early. I said there was a cafe in the station and I could pick them up in the way home. But unless I had no choice, I would not dream of doing this.

Mil used to live 6 hours drive away, so obviously would come and stay over for a few days and muck in with whatever the children were doing, take them to school, play games with them, make the tea, whatever. My three are her only grandchildren so she wasn't a guest, she was family. We used to holiday with her stay for a week near the seaside and she was great with the children on the beach! My children are grown up now but she is still a major support. I do like warning of people arriving who haven't seen my house before because I like to clean my house, but true friends come to see you, not your house.

Yeah they are my inlaws. They visit once a month which doesn't seem often but dh has divorced parents, so that's 2 sets of parents on his side, plus his siblings and his grandmother. So it makes for alot of inlaws visits. I only have my parents.

Also dh doesn't lift a finger so I would be doing all the cooking and cleaning for guests. So if they all required lunch or dinner I would start to resent doing all the extra work for DH's family. Its also the extra cost of the food. At Christmas dh doesn't lift a finger, doesn't even peel one carrot. My dad peels the vegetables and helps with cooking. I do all the clearing up and cleaning. I don't want to end up with the expectation that I then have to cook a full Christmas dinner for DH's family with no help.

Some of them don't say when they intend to leave and if they expect lunch or dinner in advance. I meal plan and have a food delivery once a week and I can't drive so I need to know in advance if I need to order in extra food. Yes first world minor problem I know!

Also they don't muck in and fil is practically a stranger to me. He wasn't interested in us until dc waa born.

so, you have a DH problem, not a guests problem.

Start with him.

If he's a people pleaser tell him to start pleasing his own wife.

Your Christmas sounds horrific - all those adults and you have to clear everything up?

How many visits are we talking about? Once a month total, or separate visits from all those people one a month?
But whichever it is, your DH seems to be an arse about domestic stuff. You need to deal with that, regardless of visits.

Seperate visits from his parents as they don't want to be in the same room as each other. Weddings and christenings are the only exception. DH's parents mostly visit separately to his siblings. So maybe a visit every 2 weeks from his family, more frequently at different times of the year.

I also don't want to get into the habit of catering for DH's family because I will end up having to do 3 separate Christmas dinners with starters and deserts. One for my parents, one for DH's dad and wife and one for DH's mum and siblings. I'll get no help with cooking and cleaning for the later 2.

Then it will be the same for Easter and dc's birthday. 3 separate big meals, hardly any help

1.Talk about what’s happening at Christmas now. Decide what you’re prepared to cater for and don’t shift.

1. Never offer more than sandwiches at normal weekend visits. Or sandwich Ingredients in the fridge and tell them to help themselves.

And stop putting up with crap from your dp. If there’s going to be two Christmas dinners in your house, you cook one each.

As PP said, you have a DP problem and need to sort that first.

Also dh doesn't lift a finger

Doesn’t sound much of a fucking people pleaser to me 🤨
Or do you not count???

Your problem is not your in laws it's your bone issue DH! When they're dead and buried he'll still be a lazy fucker!

*bone idle not bone issue!

And yeah he's no people pleaser!

YANBU. In-laws come to stay for the weekend a few times a year. DH often doesn’t finish work on a Friday until 8pm. They always ring him the day before to say they’ll be arriving at midday and he just says ‘okay I’ll leave a key out’

I then get in from work about 4pm, would just like an hour or so to myself but no, they’re there, have made themselves at home and I have to sit and make small talk for hours.

I lost my shit last year a bit and said it’s rude for guests to dictate what time they’re arriving. You ASK what time is best, you don’t dictate to other people when you’re arriving at their house. He can’t seem to understand my point. I mean what if I had something planned in the afternoon and wanted the house for myself and some friends to get together etc. They don’t even ask me, I’m totally out of the equation. Rude.

And why are you still with your lazy twat of a husband?

I then get in from work about 4pm, would just like an hour or so to myself but no, they’re there, have made themselves at home and I have to sit and make small talk for hours

That’s your mistake. Stay late and work and get overtime. Go shopping or sit in a cafe drinking coffee and reading a book. Relax.

Let your Dh come home and cook dinner. It’s his plan and his parents. I’m sure he wants to spend quality time with them.

Dh works full time and I'm a sahm at the moment