To think guests don't get to dictate the time they arrive?

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Is it rude to tell guests the time they want to arrive at your house isn't convenient, can they come earlier or later or another day etc? Dh thinks you let guests arrive when they want and it's rude not too and you are driving family and friends away if you suggest another more convenient time. AIBU to think the host isn't being rude to pick a convenient day and time for guests to arrive?

I ballpark a time, my family all live pretty far away (200+ miles) so I usually say that I'll be with them around 2 or between 2 and 4 but if plans change or something happens I'll let them know. My dm lives an hour or so away so usually I try get there for 11 but you know, shit happens.

Need more context.

Some posters on MN are absolutely outraged at the mere idea that friends or families could come and spend a weekend or a week. (I mean, CF staying FOR FREE! The sheer horror of it! )

The rest of the world thinks not only it's normal but actually quite nice.

A bit of back and forth is not rude at all. Just simply tell them that you are not home on Friday between 5 and 7, Saturday between 9 and 11, so they need to arrive earlier or later.

Friends and families understand if you have commitments, take a class or have to ferry the kids to one club or another. We spend most weekends with friends or families, but my kids still get to do their clubs, go to their parties... So not a big deal.

Mostly, the MNers who complain about visitors are the ones who have a lot of CFs in the family who invite themselves over, have no regard at all for whether their visit is convenient, expect to be waited on even if the host is ill or has a newborn to look after, and who do this repeatedly.

Most people have plenty of things to do with their time - why should they have to prioritize one individual or family who are constantly making demands?

I don't get it
If I invite someone over, I say what time to come for.
If I don't invite them then they don't come.

What's with this inviting yourself nonsense?

ILs: We thought we’d stop by and visit on Tuesday - get to you about 11.

You: It’ll be lovely to see you but we’re out from 10-12 on Tuesdays, and then it’s naptime so would probably be best if you came for 2pm. Would you like to stay for a meal and see DH after work too?

Sorted.

My DH cannot understand the principle that if you invite someone round near a mealtime (between the hours of 12-2 or 6-8, say) then you need to offer them the choice of eating with us or saying they’ll get something themselves before. Nothing worse than not knowing if you’re catering or awkward moments trying to time your own dinner!

A bit of negotiation to a mutually compatible time is normal.

What you are prepared to compromise on will depend on circumstances. Someone more local that you see frequently, should slot around existing plans whereas someone travelling a long way and visits more rarely may need more flexibility and consessions.

Some people I'm more flexible with than others. My scatty friends and I are comfortable with eachother's housekeeping standards so can be more spontaneous. My perfectionist relatives, I would not want to receive too early before I've had chance to purge the house with a sensible margin for their nasty habit of arriving prematurely while I'm a sweaty mess grappling with the vacuum.

I don't see why it has to be quick flying visit avoiding any meal time or some sort of naice lunch.

What's wrong with:
We're at playgrounp until 12 and will be back for a light lunch. You're welcome to join us, please let me know so I have enough in?
Or
brilliant. We'd love to see you. How about you swing by after lunch around 1ish. I get the cake in

No fuss needed.

Some posters on MN are absolutely outraged at the mere idea that friends or families could come and spend a weekend or a week. (I mean, CF staying FOR FREE! The sheer horror of it! gringrin)

The rest of the world thinks not only it's normal but actually quite nice.
On MN it's weird to answer the door if t goes and people should text to warn them that they may want to call them at a specific time on a specific evening next week. Anything else shows total invasion of boundaries

It depends, if they live local too you then specifying a time is fine. If my friends are coming to visit that's one each from Hull, Newcastle, Dumfries and Dundee - I tend to say "try to arrive on Thursday night".

Both mine and DHs parents live a couple of hours drive away so often a visit will include an overnight stay. Generally they'll give an ETA a couple of days before but say they're aiming to arrive at 11 and were out until lunchtime we tell them to let themselves in (they have their own key) and make themselves a brew. I generally don't think hosting rules apply to parents, same as if we go to stay with them, if they're out we let ourselves in and rummage in the cupboards for some lunch but maybe we're an odd family on Mumsnet who actually like each other

OP are these inviting themselves?

When arranging guests here, I just say pick Morning, afternoon or evening to arrive, I never set a time, I hate people being tied to a set time. I'm a feeder so there is always food here, even if they've eaten or not I feed them. If fridge is running low on some niceys I pop to the shop or get dh to. It's no hassle to russle up a few sambos and a few crisps or a few things that heat up quick in the oven if snacking, and if they're here for dinner we order chinese.

If you have playgroup, I'm sure one week missing it wouldn't be a big deal ? just pick up an extra sliced pan, some nice ham and sliced cheese and make some toasties when they arrive.

The only thing I hate is people turing up and not telling me they are visiting, yes, it's weird, but I live a good distance from people so they usually have a min of an hour drive to me and I hate the thought of them arriving here and I'm off out somewhere.

I would ask them to come later and explain that I had plans in the morning (playgroup) or invite them to come to the playgroup too! If it is to get out of lunch then yeah, i'd want to, but my family drive from a distance away so that would mean they either have to stop for lunch on route or eat at home and arrive a lot later on - so I would let them come for lunch on that basis!

Actually, you don't invite yourself at lunchtime unless you make it clear you don't expect to be fed or you're close enough to chip in with the food preparation and know you're not causing any financial difficulties by being there.

Not sure if this is the OP's situation but my ILs came over, didn't help, expected to fed and turned up their nose at what we had in. We had fuck all money at the time as well and I distinctly remember bastard FIL asking that what we fed him didn't have a yellow sticker on when we bought it. I never offered him anything again.

Guests : we’re thinking of coming over on Saturday.
Me: great, what time?
Guests : about lunch time?
Me: that’s fine, it will be lovely to see you.

Would only be different if I have actually got something arranged which I can’t change.

I’m wondering what your definition of “rude” is when your reasoning is that you can’t be arsed making them lunch.

What's with this inviting yourself nonsense?

Are you my MIL? She whines incessantly that she hardly ever sees us. We point out she is welcome to visit any time.

Have you never thought “oh I haven’t seen my friend for a while, I could go at the weekend” Or do you expect them just to come to you?

I have an in-laws like this
"Can I stay Thursday"
Dh "
Yes that's fine"
Me " yes but ask what time she's coming and does she want tea"
Bloody pin her down

Let your husband the people pleaser shop for lunch, make and serve it.

Just say 'Let me know if you'll be here for lunch. I'll be doing sandwiches'. If they don't like that, they can stop off somewhere and get their own lunch, but at least they know what's on offer.

My MIL moved in just down my road so we pop in on each other unannounced Good job we get on!

Toddler group? Over grandparents visiting? Why not just come out and say you don't like them, OP?

@secondchapter but how do you do that? It's a mumsnet rule never to answer the door unless you're expecting someone!

OP I can certainly see you're not the people pleaser in the relationship!

i an guessing we are talking about your dh’s parents. In which case, they are in the wrong.

@spanglydandly I just knock the door and go in, she doesn't lock the door! Mil knocks and waits for a shout, but if she doesn't get one she tries the door

Oh sorry- missed several pages. But I was right, wasn’t I?

But the idea of asking family to come later so you don’t have to make them a sandwich is pretty wierd- even by Mumsnet standards!