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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think guests don't get to dictate the time they arrive?

176 replies

AndroidB · 12/09/2019 19:14

Is it rude to tell guests the time they want to arrive at your house isn't convenient, can they come earlier or later or another day etc? Dh thinks you let guests arrive when they want and it's rude not too and you are driving family and friends away if you suggest another more convenient time. AIBU to think the host isn't being rude to pick a convenient day and time for guests to arrive?

OP posts:
cherish123 · 13/09/2019 19:59

Depends on the situation. There is usually a bit of negotiation.

M2B19 · 13/09/2019 20:00

Surely it’s a compromise between the two parties doing the planning. It’s got to be convenient for both or it won’t work?

M2B19 · 13/09/2019 20:06

My parents are separated but if they wish to spend time with my child at any kind of holiday/family event it is my expectation that they get over themselves and realise they are doing it for their grandchild, not each other. They are adults and can afford a degree of civility in those rare occasions surely. I don’t see why I should be expected to host various separate events to please their poor behaviour and I don’t see why you should either.

Rtruth · 13/09/2019 20:43

Soo confused... want to come over sat afternooon? Yes. What time? Organised.

DoubleFunMum · 13/09/2019 20:58

I can sympathise with the OP. It took me a while to establish 'boundaries' with my PILS after my DTwins were born. MIL massively oversteps ALL THE TIME. Still. 7 years later. When I had 2 tiny babies she wanted to just turn up with no notice/invite/prior discussion. She likes to call the shots and even when invited (which she isn't a fan of because it's not on her terms) she makes a point of being really early or late, suits herself in other words. We live in a quite but quite large cul-de-sac with lots of street parking and visitor bays but once came an hour early for a birthday party in case she couldn't get parked (too lazy to walk 50 metres more like! Pffft) She has also came 45 mins early on Xmas morning to find me with wet hair, just out the shower, and with an uninvited guest in tow (a random friend of hers who we'd been given no prior warning about). I get the OP thing about lunch because in the case of my MIL she would want nothing short of a tablecloth and full, fancy, multiple course lunch and if it wasn't provided she'd put on her judgy face. IME some people ruin it for themselves and as a result of her prior behavious my MIL doesn't get invited by me, all contact is initiated and handled by my husband. As I like to say - I have my own Mother, and one is more than enough thanks!

mankyfourthtoe · 13/09/2019 21:32

I think you need to tell your dh that you're a partnership not employer and staff. You both work hard in different roles and if he wants his family round he can help cook and clean. Or you won't be lifting a finger.

Waveysnail · 13/09/2019 22:00

Christmas and occasion are seperate thing to visits. For visitors I usually have bread in the freezer and ham/cheese in fridge so sandwiches for lunch. Pasta sauce and garlic bread in freezer so pasta and garlic bread for dinner. It's not hard. Special occasions. Just have lunch in own house and visit family

Bugbabe1970 · 13/09/2019 22:19

AndroidB

Also what would you say are reasonable reasons for a time or day not being convenient?

🤔it’s not convenient

pollymere · 14/09/2019 12:04

I think it depends hugely on how far they're travelling. When I've been early, I've gone for a coffee first. Being between 15 minutes and one hour late is more acceptable than a minute early! I hate it when people dictate times. I've said that they're very welcome to get there for x time but unfortunately we won't be available until y, or we won't be in then etc. It's not rude, it's clarifying what is possible and acceptable. As in don't come at 8 am as we'll still be asleep 😂

FelicisNox · 14/09/2019 18:35

There's WAY too much waffling on this thread (but boring waffly threads are apparently the order of the day over the last 24 hours).

No. It's not rude. In fact, the majority or people WANT a specific time and date.

I will NEVER just turn up randomly to someones house for anything at any time in case they aren't home or are busy/relaxing.

As the saying goes: when I say I'm going nothing that does not mean I'm available.. it means I'm doing nothing.

YANBU he is. Tell him to man up.

FelicisNox · 14/09/2019 18:36

doing

jennymanara · 15/09/2019 00:06

I remember driving 7 hours to visit my sisters family. I turned up 20 minutes early and they barely talked to me the whole afternoon, because I was early. I could have sat outside their house for 20 minutes in the car. But I honest;y still think they were out of order.

ChicCroissant · 15/09/2019 00:21

Do your own family live further away and you see your in-laws more often OP?

NeelixFelicis · 15/09/2019 00:28

It depends who you class as "guests".
For me, it's everyone who doesn't live here.
If someone says they won't be here til 4 30, I won't be in til 4.30.
If friends are stating overnight I'll be here at the time we arrange. Earlier, I won't be home, later is fine.
I accept I'm odd Grin

Devora13 · 15/09/2019 00:54

You're a SAHM and he works full time? I get the impression your DC is pre-school so that means you work full time to.
Be firm and let him know he needs to help out if he wants all these family visits; alternatively he can pay for you all to eat out and just come to your house for coffee afterwards.
Doesn't sound as though he's been brought up very well tbh if he isn't mucking in. My dad worked long hours, and often had to stay away overnight, but as soon as he was home he was helping mum out.
My OH helps out too, sometimes it's a bit frustrating because I feel I do my than my share of organising and planning but he will always help if I ask.
I do think there should be some pre-marital training in these things, if the parents haven't done a good job in making their offspring responsible while growing up!

expat101 · 16/09/2019 09:29

Grandparents who drive have eye sight issues and like to avoid peak hour traffic. You need to cut them a bit of slack here.

Your DH though needs a kick up the rump if he is not contributing in some way to meal prep. Why can't he bring home take away on their first night (friday?) staying with you?

In the meanwhile get some ready to serve meals in the freezer. Home made pumpkin soup or any soup reheats well, serve with sour cream and lots of crusty bread. Cheap too. There's lunch sorted.

Oldies need to nibble frequently like toddlers do. Consider some simple cheese platters with crackers and a pickle for afternoon tea. Get a home baked cake or muffins in the freezer, or even store bought if you cannot be bothered (consider it prep for school lunch box fillers) for morning tea. Lots of fruit to graze on for those needing a bit of roughage in the diet to help things along.... :)

If they are good Grannies, ask them to babysit on Sat night so you and Hubby can go out for dinner. Most normal ones would welcome the opportunity to have a one on one with baby.

You can do this, have a little faith in yourself. !

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 09:32

“Grandparents who drive have eye sight issues and like to avoid peak hour traffic. You need to cut them a bit of slack here.“
Excuse me?????

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 09:35

“Oldies need to nibble frequently like toddlers do.“

Oh, for fuck’s sake!

grumiosmum · 16/09/2019 12:55

Never mind..."Lots of fruit to graze on for those needing a bit of roughage in the diet to help things along...."

Dear god.

ForalltheSaints · 16/09/2019 13:17

Grandparents who drive have eye sight issues and like to avoid peak hour traffic. You need to cut them a bit of slack here.

So they can be in a crash and be injured or worse because they drive with poor eyesight? They should not be driving at all.

To cover the original question- perfectly reasonable if invited to say if not a time you can make and suggest when you can, unreasonable to dictate which is self-inviting in a way.

jennymanara · 16/09/2019 13:18

For those with medical issues, they may need to eat frequently. Maybe this is why the poster has got the idea that older people need to eat frequently.. My dad has difficult to control diabetes and needs to eat at pretty set times to help control it.

PandaAtTheZoo · 16/09/2019 13:23

Oldies need to nibble frequently like toddlers do. 😂

coconuttelegraph · 16/09/2019 13:32

Grandparents who drive have eye sight issues and like to avoid peak hour traffic. You need to cut them a bit of slack here

What on earth are you on about, you don't seriously think every driving grandparent in the whole world is exactly the same do you? What a ridiculous post

expat101 · 16/09/2019 23:06

What I'm on about that it's not ''guests'' it's the Grandchild's family.

We are not talking about hours spent in the kitchen preparing a fine dining event, we are talking about family rocking up who want to spend a wee bit of time with their offspring and grandchild and it doesn't hurt to cut them a bit of slack and consider their needs too.

Not everyone gets to see out their years in prime health and there is nothing wrong in pointing out that as one ages, one's eyesight during the daytime can be a hell of a lot better than at night, thus why we could safely assume why they want to arrive earlier. I recall my Dad being extremely tired after a long drive from theirs to ours, and not wanting to be caught in peak traffic.

There will come a time when this grandchild no longer has grandparents. For the sake of once a month I say suck it up, get the OH to pull his finger out and bring home take away or something and accept the In-laws love their family and want to visit.

Hopingtobeamum · 16/09/2019 23:30

I don't mind guests suggesting a time but if it doesn't work for me I tell them a time that does eg in the case of people staying for the weekend. Works both ways too as in when I stay at friends houses.
No way would I have someone dictate to me when they will arrive