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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think guests don't get to dictate the time they arrive?

176 replies

AndroidB · 12/09/2019 19:14

Is it rude to tell guests the time they want to arrive at your house isn't convenient, can they come earlier or later or another day etc? Dh thinks you let guests arrive when they want and it's rude not too and you are driving family and friends away if you suggest another more convenient time. AIBU to think the host isn't being rude to pick a convenient day and time for guests to arrive?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 12/09/2019 19:57

It depends how far they have come and what their expectations are.

i thought that my DPs were a bit rude recently. I'd invited them to come Saturday to Sunday afternoon. DM announced they were coming on Saturday morning- no reason traffic was the same in morning and afternoon and it's an hours drive . I had plans for the morning but they insisted on coming anyway and then tried to stay Sunday evening as well. I know they enjoy spending time with us, but I haven't extended an invite to stay since.

MindyStClaire · 12/09/2019 19:59

Saying a time doesn't suit because of play group - fine.

I can't imagine ever telling my parents or PIL that they weren't welcome for lunch, purely because I didn't want the hassle and not because we had other plans.

BlueJava · 12/09/2019 20:01

Guests to the home are usually welcome and it's a bit of negotiation based on friendly principles. So if they are landing at an airport and coming in a taxi/train it'll be a bit flight and transport dependent. If they are driving a few hours they may say "we were thinking of leaving early so we'd arrive about X time is that ok?" That's how it works for us anyway.

DaisyStarburst · 12/09/2019 20:02

I think it's ok to say we're busy until after lunch, you're welcome to come for the afternoon but then serve tea/coffee and get some nice cake in.

Original poster
AndroidB · 12/09/2019 20:02

Reversiblesequinsforadults
I also like to know if they are going to be around for lunch and if they expect lunch because I often meal plan and don't have enough food in. Certain family members are vague about the time they are arriving and how long they are staying

OP posts:
Fluffsmum · 12/09/2019 20:07

Depends on the situation. We visit friends who live 6 hours away (minimum, no stops, no traffic), we can arrive when we can arrive (usually around 10pm. Same when they come to us.

If we invite friends for dinner, we usually specify arrive from x time, food at y.

Chitarra · 12/09/2019 20:12

In the two examples you give, I think it's fine for you to say "please don't come at 10am as we go to playgroup then" and they should try to work around that unless it really can't be avoided.

Not sure about the lunchtime example. I'd expect them to muck in with whatever you're having and I wouldn't bother cooking a special lunch for them, so it wouldn't really matter to me. I agree they should let you know whether or not they'll be there for lunch though.

INeedNewShoes · 12/09/2019 20:13

You sound a bit mean OP. Unless we're talking the grandparents visiting on a weekly basis, can't you go to the effort of providing lunch for them?

RainbowUnicorn1 · 12/09/2019 20:17

I don't think it's rude. FIL has often phoned after 9pm to say he is coming to see DC, who are 4 years and 6 months, and he is told not to bother.

CarolineKate · 12/09/2019 20:20

Sometimes a time isn't convenient for me just cos I plan to do some housework and want longer for it lol.

But I'm not really a people pleaser. I'm more than happy to rain check things if we can't agree a time.

Vanhi · 12/09/2019 20:24

What about grandparents visiting to see young dc and you have a playgroup to go to or they want to arrive at lunchtime and you would prefer they arrived later so you only have to provide a cup of tea and biscuits and not a naice lunch

"Hi MIL and PIL. That's fine. The DCs would love to see you. It'll be a snack lunch, bread, cheese, salad, fruit, that sort of thing. Hope that's OK, see you Friday." Unless they turn up weekly and are cheeky fuckers, that seems fair enough to me.

People pleasers are, funnily enough, quite annoying. During my final A level year my mum was contacted by a family who had previously sent their daughter to us on a student exchange. They wanted her younger sister to stay. Mum checked with me "is this visit convenient. You would need to spend time with her and entertain her". Me: "no, mum, it isn't. It would mean her arriving the day before my first exam paper. I'm stressed as it is. You want me to get good grades, I want to study. Why are you saying I need to entertain her that week? Any other time, OK, but not during my A level exams".

Week before my exams start my mum informs me that Jane is staying and I have to entertain her for the first week of my two-week exam period. I went nuclear. 30 years later I have not forgiven her. She just couldn't bring herself to say No to the mother so why the fuck she consulted me I have no idea. You cannot please all of the people all of the time and it's best to pick which ones. So right now OP you sound U. But I appreciate there may be more of a back story here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2019 20:25

Playgroup, so midweek? Grandparents want to pop in when you have plans and you want them to fit in with those but DP thinks you should work around them?

What’s going on OP?!

dontgobaconmyheart · 12/09/2019 20:35

Surely you are both people pleasers in different ways if you are so minded towards worrying about arrival times etc in order to know whether to provide food and so on and concerns about whether you will give a good impression and me a good host, and I say that as a huge people pleaser myself.

With that said I don't tend to worry really, I don't expect to be fed if I'm at someone's house and if someone wants to visit at short notice and I agree, or stays longer, I assume it's obvious I won't be laying on a spread and would make no apology for the lack of one. A drink and whatever they want from the cupboard is always on offer if theres anything in it regardless so nobody is starving, or we can head out to eat or order in- it isn't worth further thought.

If people are coming for dinner I try to arrange a time such as 'anytime after 7 works for us, let me know when you're en route' but equally if theres no specific plan will usually ask them to pick a convenient time as obviously if we made plans, I'm not actually that busy. Most people tend to update you on arrival times ad hoc if it's a long journey and as long as I'm awake I don't care when it is. If I wasn't I'd leave a key or post one if necessary ahead of time if it were family or good friends.

Beautiful3 · 12/09/2019 20:39

If it's grandparents and a one off, I would miss the baby group that day and make them lunch. Asking them to come later so that you can give only biscuits is rude.

grumiosmum · 12/09/2019 20:39

For those who care about these things, the correct etiquette is for the person inviting to stipulate the time.

For example: "Glad you can come to dinner on Thursday. Please come at about 7.30." (actually means arrive between 7.35 and 8 pm)

Or: "Can you come and stay the weekend of 4th/5th? We'll expect you in time for lunch on Saturday, and hope you can stay for lunch on Sunday too."

If the guest can't make the specified time fro any reason, then it's fine to let the hosts know. e.g. We'd love to come for the weekend but won't be able to get to you until mid-afternoon, as Johnny's got football training in the morning.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/09/2019 20:48

Is the problem that these guests are just inviting themselves and expecting you to fit round them, no matter what? Because that's rude. It's also rude to turn up hours earlier - or later - than you were invited to arrive. Generally, with good friends or close family, it's more of a negotiation and discussion - 'Would you like to come and see us? How about next Sunday, come for lunch' to which the guests can say, Saturday works better for us, or Can we come for tea instead. Or if it's someone getting in touch to say We'd like to come and see you, when's a good time, and you sort it out between you.

Is this a matter of your H having told his family that they can appear and expect to be fed any time that suits them - and the work of feeding them is down to you? If so, the problem is your H treating you as staff rather than a partner.

Chocolatelover45 · 12/09/2019 20:57

If it's people inviting themselves I expect them to come when it suits me. E.g. I wouldn't cancel planned activities and would ask them to come afterwards. If I didn't want to provide meals I'd specify times that are obviously not mealtimes e.g. 2 pm.
If I invite someone, I also specify time but expect some negotiation to suit both of us.
I would be more flexible for people travelling a long way or that I really like!

QueenoftheNowhereverse · 12/09/2019 20:58

Broadly guests should fall in with you, unless there’s other controls in play (hours of work, flight / train times) etc.

A friend asked to come and stay. We said it didn’t suit us as we would be at work and couldn’t take holidays. She said it would be ok, she wasn’t coming for long and that she needed her DSis to accompany her as she has anxiety. She then announced she’d booked flights for a two week stay. Her DSis came, stayed for two nights and went home. DSis then returned to collect her, again staying another two nights.
Six months later she asked to come back, and when again the dates didn’t suit us, she claimed it had to be specific dates as she had a gift for us that would expire which couldn’t be posted. It was a bloody cookbook.
Seven months later, she again wanted to come stay, saying she needed a break as her anxiety was bad. Again the dates didn’t suit as we were about to go on holiday ourselves. This time these dates were the only dates her DMum could look after her DC. Turned out, she’d organised a shag with a FIFO worker and wanted to turn our spare room into her bordello.
Long story short, we’ve closed Hotel Mi Casa and learned an important lesson - our houses, our rules or it gets on our nerves!

Chocolatelover45 · 12/09/2019 20:59

In op's case I'd ask them to come after the toddler group, and would provide a basic lunch ( bread/cheese etc) . Getting them to leave can be tricky though.

Aragog · 12/09/2019 21:10

I think it does depend on why they are visiting, and for what reason.

For example when friends come to visit us for the weekend, we agree a date which is mutually convenient but let them tell us what time they will arrive. They know when we are at work, so can't receive them earlier in the day - but don't say they've got to arrive for x time. Sometimes it is early evening, other times it's been nearly midnight.

However, if friends are coming for a meal, then we will say what time to arrive for.

CassianAndor · 12/09/2019 21:14

To be honest, OP, you sound very rigid and I don’t think that makes for good hosting. If I know I’ve got guests coming I just try to keep everything as free and fluid as possible.

But I like having guests, I know lots on MN don’t seem to, they seem to regard them as a hindrance to be endured.

Aridane · 12/09/2019 21:19

Am I right in thinking that your in laws have reached that point where every single thing they do is irritating?

Grin
separatebeds · 12/09/2019 21:28

I will tell guests what time they can arrive and what time they need to leave by. Does not need to be done rudely. Simply - look forward to seeing you any time after 2pm on Saturday. We are due out in the afternoon on Sunday, so let's plan an early lunch at 12.30 on Sunday. Hope that works for you. xx

Job done.

CassianAndor · 12/09/2019 21:30

separate it’s not very hospitable, though - suggests that your slotting them in, in between the important things.

If I have weekend guests I’d set aside the whole weekend so that they don’t feel chivvied out.

Peterpiperpickedwrongagain · 12/09/2019 21:37

I also like to know if they are going to be around for lunch and if they expect lunch because I often meal plan and don't have enough food in

A loaf of bread and a packet of ham for sandwiches doesn’t take planning, you don’t actually have to cook for people. They come to see you/kids.

Although earlier you said......

they want to arrive at lunchtime and you would prefer they arrived later so you only have to provide a cup of tea and biscuits and not a naice lunch

So you know they want to be around at lunch time, it sounds like you just don’t want them there for very long tbh.