To ask How long is it reasonable to wait before it’s CF?

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Cheeky fuckery.
We were planning a weekend away and I booked 2 rooms in hotel. Paid upfront. One person had to drop out leaving a spare room. Another couple we are friends with, and also invited to event too , took the room instead.

Morning after, politely told them cost and how they could reimburse. Few embarrassed shuffles

One week later polite reminder email sent. Bit of a short PA reply but implied they were aware of need to reimburse.
Still nothing.

Fuming inside. AIBU

Regardless of what was said, they should have offered. Even if I knew something like that was a gift I would double check/insist to pay something towards it, otherwise it's just rude! They know a hotel room costs money (not cheap usually) and are also CFs expecting you to pay for breakfast. Can't believe the pps saying if you suggested it you should pay - yeah, alright 🙄

Yes they're cheeky fuckers. I'm going to the theatre tonight with friends who had a spare ticket. They haven't mentioned me paying for it but I've checked the website and will offer to pay for the ticket. If they won't accept it, I'll buy the interval drinks.

What was your husbands exact wording? You have to tell!

OP how much do they owe you? and is your husband getting worked up over it- or just you? If they are his friends, why is he not talking to them?

I can't see why you are doing all the chasing.

why are you?

I'd be inclined to ditch them as friends unless you feel sure they thought the room was free, which is just possible- ie you paid upfront and they thought you wouldn't get a refund .

why did you pay upfront anyway- most 'chain' hotels take a deposit or card details and you pay once you have checked out.

Going to disagree with the majority here and say YABU.

I think what happened is you (DH) invited these people on holiday because you had a spare room. You’d have missed out on the money either way, and they thought the room was free.

At the end of the holiday you all went out for breakfast which, after your prompting, the two men split. Maybe the other couple ‘should’ have offered to pay given the value of the gift they were getting. Maybe they just didn’t think to do so.

Only after the holiday did anyone (you) mention payment. Maybe the other couple didn’t have the money easily to hand and they’re feeling annoyed that you offered a gift and then demanded payment. Maybe if they knew they were paying they’d have had a different holiday.

I’ve had these kind of payment requests after the fact. “Come for Christmas dinner, we’ll host” followed by “you owe us £XX for Christmas”. It’s annoying. And grabby.

You can’t call people cheeky fuckers for this. I think you and DH are the CFs here.

OK. It was offered knowing they would need a hotel room. I assume the friend and his wife could afford a hotel or they wouldn't have decided to go to the event and as such why would they think their friend would be wanting to pay for their stay. Surely the default in this situation is you pay for your own room unless explicitly told it was a freebie.

fishing trip what have I missed?

Sorry to have derailed or confused - just an ongoing background theme from Gavin & Stacey, where Uncle Bryn did something bad on a fishing trip, which people allude to in very hushed tones, but they deliberately never tell you what actually happened.

@RhiWrites

No the friends weren't invited on holiday. The friends decided to go to the same free event that the OP was already going to in another city and required overnight accommodation. Friends would have needed to book their own hotel room. However in the meantime family member dropped out so OP's husband said friends could have the family member's room.

I’m curious about the “embarrassed shuffles” and short PA emails implying that they knew they had to pay which OP mentions.

Exactly what did they say?

“Wtf? We had to PAY?”

OP as @RhiWrites says, you would have had to pay for the room anyway unless it fell within a cancellation policy.

Your DH is at fault.

He ought to have made it clear that they cancellation by your relative freed up the room but it had to be paid for.

You are all to blame: your DH for being a wimp, you for not knowing what he said or didn't, and these friends for being thick skinned and not offering payment when asked (and clarifying it beforehand.)

I'd crawl away if I were you as I'd be very embarrassed by not making it clear and trying to claw money back after the event.

I am also surprised at all the people agreeing with you! I am totally with RhiWrites on this one.

Surely your family member agreed to pay for the room then dropped out so they should pay for it anyway. The new invitees may agree to cover the cost of the room, but it depends how it’s done. The reality is you were lumbered with paying for it whether new friends came or not.

Would they have been able to attend the event without booking a room, ie, they could have travelled home afterwards or was it too far to do that?

Surely your family member agreed to pay for the room then dropped out so they should pay for it anyway.

OP said family member was a dependent, hence they wouldn't be chasing up payment from said family member. That implies that OP and DH were paying for family member's room.

OP, what did DH say in his texts?

if you said why don't you come and have breakfast with us at xxx then I do think it would be a reasonable assumption that you were paying

Bollocks

You aren’t going to look bad for hassling. Sit DH down and explain that these people aren’t friends just users. Let the money go but let them go as well.

I had it with some old friends who consistently took advantage and I stopped inviting them to anything. One of the couple asked me what was up at a mutual friend’s and I told them bluntly ( I may have had a lot to drink) that I was sick of being taken advantage of. The male half of the couple protested strongly that I was mistaken and then lovely mutual friend pointed out that they had turned up to her empty handed yet again ... They left pretty quickly and it was the last I saw of them. I don’t regret it.

Sounds like CFery to me!!!!! Bit disappointing when it's an old friend though.
Speak to DH and find out where the misunderstanding has occurred

So if there wasn’t any “expectation”, let alone firm basis, then I am the one who is going to look bad aren’t I for hassling.

I think that's true unfortunately. I think this is just one of those situations where there's been a misunderstanding and no one is being cheeky.

I would ask you DH to deal with it. The fact that he had the initial conversation and you're now chasing for payment could be making appear to the friends that there's a miscommunication between you and your DH. Presumably if he feels the "expectation" was clear then he'll be happy to do that?

Whether or not your DH specified an amount, it is only manners to offer surely?! Like if someone is picking someone up, offering petrol money is only normal isnt it, even if you were going that way anyway.

Your DH may have been a wet lettuce, but they are definitely CFs in not offering to pay, or at the VERY least, paying when reminded.

2bees

Based on your update I'm even more sure you can't expect payment. They decided to go to a free event. You were going and stayed over. Your DH offered them a room you'd booked that was unexpectedly not needed. He didn't mention anything about money.

They may well have NOT decided to stay over/to leave early/whatever. They weren't looking for a hotel room that you know of, your DH just offered them one. So that's a cost they weren't necessarily expecting to shoulder, and you spring it on them the next day? God, I'd die a death if I'd thought I'd been offered a gift and was presented with a bill. And at times, I wouldn't have been able to pay it without a payday or two.

Like I said before, I've gifted hotel rooms and tickets to friends before and had them gifted to me. IIf it's a financial transaction it HAS to be made clear from the beginning.

I'd die a death if I'd thought I'd been offered a gift and was presented with a bill

So would I - but then I wouldn't have assumed anything about the room in the first place, far less breakfast and whatever else

Something like a wrapped birthday present is obviously a gift; otherwise you'd surely check if unsure (or at least you would if you weren't a CF or just plain stupid)

I am the one who is going to look bad aren’t I for hassling.
a) no (they did the embarrassed shuffles and PA reply; they should be embarrassed)

b) who cares if a pair of CFs think you're 'bad'? Fuck em. Get the money back.

I'm not sure they are CFs but definitely rude for not at least offering to contribute to the room.

If someone contacted me saying "someone has dropped out, their room is going spare if you want it" my obvious response would be "oh thanks, let me know how much we owe you for it".
This gives the person the option to say the cost or offer it for free, no ambiguity. I would always do this if someone hasn't made it clear whether they expect me to pay or not.

Friends would have needed to book their own hotel room.

Do we know this? It definitely wasn't in driving/ travelling distance? It may have been mentioned but I must have missed it if the op said as much.

To be fair, because your DH didn't communicate effectively, the friends quite probably think that you're the CFs.

It's infuriating when people offer you something without any mention of payment, especially when they imply that it's something they have but no longer need and can't use anyway; and then, once you've shown interest, thanked them and accepted what you think is a kind offer - only then do they tell you how much you now 'owe' them. It makes it extremely awkward for the recipient to then say "Ah, I thought it was a free offer and probably wouldn't have said yes if I'd known you were selling it"; far more awkward when they've already used it and there's no handing it back.

OP what did their passive aggressive reply to your reminder email actually say? Does it give clues as to what they're thinking?