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Original poster

Brother’s wedding reception

406 replies

VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 15:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

OP posts:
QueSera · 11/09/2019 17:15

Sorry I meant meal, not wedding.

BaronessBomburst · 11/09/2019 17:17

So, have I got this straight, they wanted a small exclusive wedding at a particular restaurant but could only get a table for say, 8 people. They invited the people nearest and dearest to them but when this didn't include your husband, your parents kicked up a stink, the whole thing was cancelled, and the couple just eloped instead.
Now they're trying to hold the celebration meal, can still only afford a table for 8, and your family are kicking up a stink again?

It's not a slur on your husband.
Either accept graciously and share their dream, or decline (also graciously), but just stop making it about you!

user1493494961 · 11/09/2019 17:17

I wouldn't go.

HugoSpritz · 11/09/2019 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 11/09/2019 17:18

Inviting your BIL is hardly inviting the whole world to a wedding.

Also it’s not the op who has caused the rift but the brother. I can’t stand a good friend’s husband- I still invite him to things as it’s the right to do.

If you can’t invite those that should be invited choose another venue. I’d be incredibly hurt in the ops situation.

EileenAlanna · 11/09/2019 17:18

I wouldn't go, and I'd consider it the end of relationships with my brother & his wife.
It isn't an "olive branch" being extended by his PIL with this invitation, it's a stick to beat you all over the head with since they're doing exactly the same as their DD & new SIL did with the wedding invites.
If you run into them at other family events you can be civil but cool, just as you would with anyone else you've no real connection with any more.

Bookworm4 · 11/09/2019 17:18

@BaronessBomburst
Table for 9 it’ll be, would you not just make it 10? Instead of being rude?

Original poster
VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 17:19

Brother’s response re: hypothetical exclusion of SiL was that it would be unacceptable if other partners were there e.g. cousin’s wedding but he is not inviting in-laws because of space. All in-laws are excluded. I don’t know about her side and refuse to ask.
My husband wants me to go as they will have a victory after their elopement and then we can get on an even keel again. I won’t post again until I have slept on it ( in case anyone wants a follow up).

OP posts:
pictish · 11/09/2019 17:19

“He has told both my parents that he had no issues with any in-laws but had no room for them.“

So there you have it then. A plausible and reasonable explanation.
Bash on with your agenda at your own risk. You are being an arse, sorry to say.

Crunched · 11/09/2019 17:21

I do get child free weddings but ‘spouse free’ seems a contradiction to the spirit of a marriage. However It's not even a real wedding so, in your situation, I would decline the invitation.
I would encourage parents to go, otherwise they are likely to be excluded by this obviously inhospitable family of their new DIL and this may effectively exclude them from being involved with any future grandchildren.

Purpleartichoke · 11/09/2019 17:23

I would understand having a child free event so I would let the issue of your children attending go.

I honestly do think your spouse should be prioritized over groom’s friends. But really, it shouldn’t even be an issue because they should figure out who matters to them and plan a wedding that fits all those people. They have chosen that your husband doesn’t matter to them. That is a big statement at a celebration of marriage. I would encourage your parents to attend, skip the event yourself, send them a thoughtful gift, and then do your best to treat them as family moving forward.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 11/09/2019 17:23

Then he chooses an alternative venue. There’s thousands of restaurants he could pick that will accommodate everyone but he picks the one that doesn’t!

BaronessBomburst · 11/09/2019 17:24

@Bookworm4 because if it's a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef you just can't. They have the tables and that's that. They don't shuffle them around to accommodate groups as a normal restaurant would. These places have huge waiting lists and the customers have to accept whatever table/ group size is available.

Rachelle11 · 11/09/2019 17:26

I would just go. The fact your kids aren't invited makes perfect sense. Your dh is odd, but I would get over it and go. The fact you are so upset about this is a little much.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 11/09/2019 17:27

Then you go elsewhere or have a private dining room.

NuffingChora · 11/09/2019 17:28

I was coming on to say exactly what @BaronessBomburst has said above. It’s not about you. It’s their wedding. This is how they are choosing to do it. Go or don’t. Just don’t make it their problem.

pictish · 11/09/2019 17:30

Or you just have your wedding celebration wherever and however the fuck you like.
His friends will still show up and they’ll have a good night doing it the way they want to. I imagine of his family choose to play no speakies over it, he’ll leave them to it. I would.

diddl · 11/09/2019 17:31

So no sibling's spouses/partners were invited to the wedding that didn't happen either then?

If so, why did your dad kick up such a fuss on your/your husband's behalf?

Are you favoured over your brother?

NewPapaGuinea · 11/09/2019 17:31

I’ve heard of child free weddings, but I think not inviting your DH, his BIL is a step too far. Wouldn’t dream of doing that myself. In my eyes, he’d be part of the family and is an equal when handing out invites. Nowt queer as folk though.

WindsorDuchess · 11/09/2019 17:32

My husband wants me to go as they will have a victory

This statement is very strange. It's not about winning / losing or one-upmanship.

Bibijayne · 11/09/2019 17:32

I think it is weird not to consider your sibling's husband/ wife family.

Personally I'd decline. If your parents want to decline, that's their choice. Your brother can invite who he likes, but he cannot be surprised if that means people choose not to attend.

feelingverylazytoday · 11/09/2019 17:33

So eating at a 'celebrity' restaurant is worth treating family like shit?
I'd just decline, OP. Family obviously isn't important to your brother, so I'd just accept that and move on.

NewPapaGuinea · 11/09/2019 17:34

*not just weddings, but any occasion. Formal or not.

BaronessBomburst · 11/09/2019 17:35

But why should you go elsewhere? If your dream is to have dinner at the Fat Duck, and you invite your closest friends and family who are happy to leave their spouses behind, and then your sister/ SIL keeps kicking up a fuss and insisting that you can't leave out her partner, why should you forgo your dream for her?
Does it really matter so much to you OP that you have to piss on their chips again?
REALLY?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/09/2019 17:36

I wouldn't go, and I'd consider it the end of relationships with my brother & his wife.

Hardcore
Are people really like this?

It's not just him that isn't invited, after all. It might not be correct form but seriously, it's in OP's power to stop this becoming a lifelong cause of sadness for loads of people. It's in the DB's too, but he's not going to do it. OP still can. Your DH is right.