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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding reception

406 replies

VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 15:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

OP posts:
Millie2016 · 11/09/2019 16:55

OP I don’t understand why you are still pushing to get your husband and children an invite to this. Why can’t you just respect his decision that he would like to keep it a small and intimate gathering?
I read your previous post and I think that your father behaved terribly. Instead of graciously accepting this new invitation your mother has already challenged him over numbers by offering to pay for your husband and children.
You don’t understand that this isn’t about the money for him. He clearly wants to have a very small affair. By repeatedly challenging him on this you are ruining your relationship with your brother.
It doesn’t have to be an ‘all of us or none of us’ position. You have never once explained why you can’t go alone.
Your brother has given you a second chance and you have thrown it back in his face.

slinkysaluki · 11/09/2019 16:56

I would decline the invitation

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/09/2019 16:56

@Harriedharriet

It's not a "wedding breakfast" though. Her DB and his new wife patently didn't want any of that. It is a celebratory, posh meal. I agree that most people would probably invite OP's DH (prob not kids) just for form. But they haven't, and tbf having had their original not unresonable plans completely scuppered by family drama, they probably don't see why they should continue to please other people.

The only way to act with good grace in this situation is to go and have a good time.

fairislecable · 11/09/2019 16:56

I think the OP is getting a hard time from the posters - she has a husband who is excluded from a wedding party. Unless there is some backstory about DH, etiquette dictates he should be invited.

Brother is ignorant twat you could go to the meal and leave as soon as finished eating or just decline the invite and send a card.

Original poster
VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 16:57

My husband and I have never had any kind of row or anything with my brother. I also really like my sister-in-law; she has transformed my brother’s life.
When my first child was born a decade ago the contrast between my brother and brother-in-law was marked with BiL coming in and playfighting etc but my brother wasn’t really interested. He was never rude but completely uninterested. I have never mentioned it and have come to terms with it but never ever have we had a row. We have always got on well.
He has told both my parents that he had no issues with any in-laws but had no room for them. He explicitly asked my mother who would she exclude of his friends to include my husband!
I really found it difficult when I was called a ‘drama-lama’ and deliberately missed this out of my second post - my dad went to A&E with chest pains as he found it stressful.
SiL actually ideally wanted a big wedding but as she couldn’t wanted few guests at a prestigious venue.
I am going to sleep on it. My mum and both cousins are going. I don’t know about my dad.

OP posts:
BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 11/09/2019 16:57

I don’t think you can say a bil trumps a friend. I like my sil but I’m closer to my best mate.

I’d understand if he was inviting a pile of work colleagues but these are clearly friends he sees as family.

Do you and your dh see you brother much?

You and your parents seem quite enmeshed. They should absolutely go. No ifs no buts. You can make your own choice. Personally I’d go and stop trying to change things.

slinkysaluki · 11/09/2019 16:57

Sounds like your brother has issues with your husband

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 11/09/2019 16:59

Based on your update, I think your expectations are off. You had a kid, not your family, your brother being vaguely interested is more than enough.

Your dad needs to have a word with himself. It’s not what he expected, big whoop. Little is.

Crankybitch · 11/09/2019 16:59

Am I missing something?

Ops brother has not invited his sisters husband to his wedding and people are saying that’s OK?

I think you should invite your siblings married partner to your wedding?

Agree with what someone said above - how will he feel if you invite everyone apart from the wife for Christmas / any other family occasion.

I don’t get the whole “It’s all about ME” thing at weddings these days

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/09/2019 17:01

By some interpretations OPs brother has behaved discourteously. ( I tend to disagree) Nonetheless, it's usually a good idea to rise above rather than sink below other people's behaviour.

Do you want this to get worse or get better? Is your ego so fragile and sense of social convention so rigid that you'd cause a potential long term family rift that it is totally in your power to prevent, just so your DH could go out for a fancy meal ?

diddl · 11/09/2019 17:01

There was no need for them to elope though.

They could have left invitations as they were & people (including Op & her father) could have accepted or declined as they wanted.

I think that by not inviting Op's husband, her brother is just sticking the knife in again.

But I agree that there's nothing to be done other than go or not.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 11/09/2019 17:01

They’re already married. They eloped because ops family made it so difficult for them to have the wedding they wanted. This is a post-elopement meal with a small (less than 10?) people going. In that context I think it’s fine.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 11/09/2019 17:02

I know of people who would rather invite their friends than relatives...the reason for this is friends mean something,they enhance our lives,respect us,value us and would do what ever it took to make us happy...plus you get no drama or pointless demands from friends,they go with the flow and are freely accepting of your decisions...
Family on the other hand,like yourself OP...well....enough said.
I admire your brother for doing s he damn well pleases...more adults should do the same.He has been straight down the line with what he wants and what he is doing ..what on earth is so wrong with that?I just dont see what the problem is.His priorities on what means the most to him is just different than yours thats all...

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/09/2019 17:02

Ring him up OP. Ask him why he is excluding your DH, ask him if he would be happy with SiL being excluded.

Tell him you love him and wish him the best but his actions are very hurtful, and in solidarity to your DH you won’t be coming and henceforth will be following his lead in terms of regarding SiL as part of the family.

Tell him he’s hurting your mum and your dad and acting like a complete dick

Harriedharriet · 11/09/2019 17:03

Ihatemyself - It is a wedding breakfast though. Invitations from brides mother to come and celebrate. A wedding breakfast. On a different day to the wedding, granted.
Db is trying (by stealth) to have it his way.
For sure, their day their way etc. But choices have consequences no? In a few years he will be asking for childcare I will bet. They won't mind having DB in law around then!!

MildThing · 11/09/2019 17:05

Fair enough not to invite children to a meal at a high end / fine dining / celebrity chef restaurant.

Does everyone find your DH as wonderful as you do?

It does seem quite pointed.

The invite coming from the Dw's parents has been done to make it easier for them to control the guests.

But in the end, politely decline and wish your brother well, or politely accept. And tell your Dad not to intervene on your behalf under any circumstances.

SunshineAngel · 11/09/2019 17:06

This is the exact reason I want to get married just me and my partner. Because you either invite the whole world or get slagged off for it!

It's your brother's wedding. He can invite who he wants. You either accept that or you don't. Sorry, and I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the unfortunate truth. Nobody has a "right" to attend a wedding, no matter whose it might be.

Sceptre86 · 11/09/2019 17:06

Your brother cares more for his friends than your dh and kids. This is fact. So either you go or you don't. You can't force an invite. Whether you go or not should have no beating on whether your parents do. Unless your kids are adult would they really appreciate an expensive meal by a celeb chef?

I wouldn't go because my dh and I are a packaged deal. You really can't force a relationship with your brother. Decide either way and let it go!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 11/09/2019 17:09

Sunshine Angel...I can highly recommend it..I did it! Me him and 2 witnesses...perfect it was and 9 yrs later I wouldnt have changed a thing! Go for it!

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 11/09/2019 17:11

Does your brother really dislike your husband? It is weird for him to exclude him quite ostentatiously twice.

I suppose that if it's just that they aren't close and space is limited, then it's reasonable for your brother to have chosen his friends over your husband. I do think it's unusual not to include your sister's husband though.

Clearly you have an odd family dynamic where your brother doesn't see your husband as family. I don't think you're at all unreasonable to be upset about that, but I don't think you can change how your brother perceives the relationship.

If I were you I would encourage your parents to go to the dinner, because while this is an awkward situation it can't be worth damaging this relationship any further by them refusing. It's then up to you whether you go - I would in your shoes, to keep the peace, but it is absolutely your choice.

diddl · 11/09/2019 17:12

I think that a lot of us care more about friends than ILs, but we would invite ILs so as not to upset our siblings.

He doesn't care about your feelings, Op-would he even care if you were there or not?

Did he only cancel the first wedding because he thought that your father really might not go & he would have been embarrassed?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/09/2019 17:13

@Harriedharriet - its a celebration, but it is not a wedding breakfast because they didn't have a wedding, they got married - different thing. IBut the point is. It is done. Can't expect DB to change his mind. I would refuse to let more drama ensue, or build this into something symbolic, when clearly it just isn't for your DB. So, go and celebrate on the terms of the invitation offered. Or don't and this will run and run forever and risk souring relations with the SIL and her family, and on it goes causing chest pains, hurt etc. DH's disappointment at not getting to be fed by the 'sleb chef will die down I'm sure.

pictish · 11/09/2019 17:14

Honestly, anyone creating over someone else’s wedding plans just befuddles me. The couple getting married organise an event to their liking and you only have to accept or decline.

Jesaminecollins · 11/09/2019 17:14

@VitaSackville

I wouldn't go and stop trying to change their minds after all it is their wedding. At my daughters wedding she didn't want any of my Aunts, Uncles and cousins to attend because she doesn't really have anything to do with them so although I was upset I accepted what she wanted after all it was her wedding not mine.

QueSera · 11/09/2019 17:15

I may not be interpreting this correctly. But why is your brother excluding your DH and children? If there's no good reason, or a reason you don't feel is a good one, it seems to me that your brother is being a jerk. In which case, don't go to the wedding. And probably go no contact with him in future.