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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding reception

406 replies

VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 15:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

OP posts:
diddl · 14/09/2019 17:38

"it appears that my sister-in-law’s mother is annoyed and bitter with our family as her daughter’s original plan was scuppered"

Yes, poor old Op's brother & SIL are just the victims, aren't they??

They could have had their wedding.

Chances are that Op's dad would have gone.

It's just all shitty excuses for their behaviour imo.

Grainedmonkey · 14/09/2019 18:04

It appears that my sister-in-law’s mother is annoyed and bitter with our family as her daughter’s original plan was scuppered

You've got to wonder what the atmosphere will be like and what everyone is really thinking to themselves as they exchange pleasantries. Good luck OP you may need it!

Aderyn19 · 14/09/2019 18:54

Your dad gave his son a cheque. It wasn't the mil's place to throw that back at your father - she massively overstepped there. I hope the dinner goes well but in all honesty I think it's going to be a bit fraught, especially if mil pulls any more of that PA crap.

I think you've been balanced and reasonable throughout. I think on balance, you are right to go and to do so with good grace. But given the atmosphere is likely to be tense, I'm not really sure why they think this dinner is a good idea. Unles mil was hoping you'd refuse to go and then she could have further put the boot in with sil and db. Who knows? By all means go with the intention of smoothing things over but at the same time take no crap from the mil. If she wants to be technical about what constitutes family, her own husband is a step father to the bride and no more a 'proper' relation than your husband!

Witchinaditch · 14/09/2019 19:42

He’s being really unfair on you and it’s even more unfair that you have to just take it. I wouldn’t go and I’d be hurt for a long time over this. Sorry OP it’s rubbish for you.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/09/2019 21:18

I'd still think very carefully about accepting this invitation, and I say this in view of the update you've given about your brother's MiL and her attitude throughout this whole affair.

You are going with the good intention of smoothing things over with your BiL and SiL, and that's commendable. But there is going to be a whole plethora of tension and barely disguised resentments simmering around that table. MiL for one is deeply resentful and she isn't doing much to hide the fact. She already showed her hand when she greatly overstepped her place in sending that cheque back to your father, and then sent out an exact replication of the first series of invitations that caused all the trouble in the first place - a whole year after the original wedding, simply to 'make a point'.

Tread carefully here, OP. I hope your good intentions pay off, but it's entirely possible that accepting this invitation will have the opposite effect to the one you intended. This risk intensifies when drinks flow and resentments are magnified, which is when tempers tend to flare.

Good luck with this one.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 14/09/2019 22:20

I think that with luck, you might if you go along and there isn't a row be able to remain on reasonable terms with DB and S-i-L, both of whom you have said you liked before all this happened, and after this one occasion have little or nothing to do with a woman who is at best a sort of mother-out-law to you. After all, S-i-L quite possibly isn't responsible for what her mother has done, and was simply hurt first time round... Keeping the relationship with the couple if you do want to is worth a punt, and I hope you are able to pull it off.

Catastrophejane · 15/09/2019 00:25

I usually agree with the ‘it’s their wedding /event/ party and they can invite who they want’ argument.

However, I think your brother and his now wife are being unreasonable. What is the big deal in inviting your husband? Unless he is a complete arse, I can’t see why it could possibly affect the vibe of the event. I think it’s a bit weird not to invite your sister’s husband.

Weddings are traditionally about families coming together - it’s not a great start to exclude certain family members. ( to save £100 on a meal? We’re talking one person, not countless cousins who you don’t see from one year to the next.)

I invited direct family members who I’m not exactly ‘close’ to, as they are important to ones who are. You know what? Didn’t make the slightest difference to the day and everyone was happy.

Honest to god, people really need to chill out with the whole wedding drama. It’s just one day. Everyone seems to be obsessed recently about having the ‘perfect’ Instagram worthy wedding, they’ve totally taken the fun out of it.

Sounds like your husband has dodged a bullet not going to the meal of these uptight muppets.

And OP - sorry to hear this. It sounds like a crap situation

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 15/09/2019 08:34

There’s another thread at the moment where a dp has gone to his sisters birthday without his partner who is understandably upset. On that thread everyone is saying he’s out of order for going. Yet on here people are saying the op is the unreasonable one!

OP YANBU. Also I wouldn’t trust your SiL mum - sounds like a stirrer to me.

Good luck at the restaurant but do be careful of the mum.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 15/09/2019 12:20

I'd still think very carefully about accepting this invitation, and I say this in view of the update you've given about your brother's MiL and her attitude throughout this whole affair.

God, some people just love to stir the pot. The OP has made her decision and it’s a sensible one - let her get on with it.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 15/09/2019 12:21

Weddings are traditionally about families coming together - it’s not a great start to exclude certain family members. ( to save £100 on a meal? We’re talking one person, not countless cousins who you don’t see from one year to the next.)

But it isn’t one family member - it’s ALL partners. That has been made very clear.

Aderyn19 · 15/09/2019 12:28

Well, it's all partners apart from mils one! He wouldn't be hosting this event unless he was married to the mil because he's not technically family either! I think it's right to watch mil because I think the rules might be more flexible for her.
I meant to say earlier, OP that it might be a good idea not to drink.

DecomposingComposers · 15/09/2019 12:32

What partners haven't been invited though? All we know about is OPS husband and 2 of her cousins.

How many partners on the bride's side have been excluded? Do her siblings have spouses and have they been excluded or, is she, rather conveniently, an only child so actually there are no brother or sister in law's on her side?

Aridane · 15/09/2019 12:38

All partners are not included- it’s stated by op up thread

DecomposingComposers · 15/09/2019 12:52

All partners are not included- it’s stated by op up thread

Yes I know. But who on the bride's side has partners?

If she has no brothers or sisters, or they don't have partners, then yes the rule might be "no partners" but it actually doesn't affect anyone on the bride's side in that case, does it?

If op comes back and says the bride has 3 siblings, all married, and they aren't invited then that's fair enough. The rule is affecting everyone equally but if no one on the bride's side is affected then it is unfairly affecting the groom's family.

Aridane · 15/09/2019 13:46

What if, what if, what if...

EWAB · 15/09/2019 14:55

One of the best meals that I have ever had was at my brother’s wedding. The best champagne was served by staff where there was a ratio of 1 to 4 guests. The setting was superb; it was like being on a film set. I was there with my siblings and cousins and my brother’s mates which included some couples. Siblings’ spouses were at home as they hadn’t been invited.
To say I was sad was an understatement. People won’t compromise generally anymore and certainly not at weddings. If OP’s DH was there so would the cousins’ spouses then the same on her side. All of a sudden their vision has gone. Their friends can’t come or they have to have a room without a chandelier.
My family aren’t toxic but siblings have married spouses with lives of their own. They are perfectly lovely when you encounter them but they are just not interested.
My sister tells a story with humour or bitterness depending on her mood about visiting our sister-in-law who asked her how many children she had; she’d been married to our brother for four years by then. Close in-law relationships probably existed before women had careers and families lived in the same place for generations. Weddings followed a particular pattern with your aunties making vol-au-vents. That doesn’t happen now. OP you are definitely doing the right thing by going to the reception.

NewFoneWhoDis · 16/09/2019 14:43

He's got his work cut out for him with a MIL like that...

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 16/09/2019 21:04

It's sad to realise that when your brother says "just family" he doesn't see your DH in that, seeing him just as your guest at family dos, not seeing your DH as there in his own right.

Going along and being polite is probably for the best.

But accept that sadly, your brother's marriage will never be viewed as something that is joyful for your family, but will be remembered as a 'grin and bare it' event. I don't know why anyone would chose to make their wedding be a source of upset.

Aridane · 16/09/2019 22:25

I don’t know why any parent would maya child’s wedding a cause of upset leading to cancellation of the wedding and elopement!

Nononoandno · 16/09/2019 22:32

My head is spinning, who’s wedding is it? Who’s invited? Who isn’t? And why not? Who had a fight 🤔 🙈

Millie2016 · 17/09/2019 13:51

Good decision OP.

CallmeAngelina · 18/09/2019 23:22

I don't think I could go in your shoes. Your husband thinks everything can get back on an even keel afterwards? How on earth could that be? How are you going to be all matey at any future family occasions, knowing where your brother places your own husband in the pecking order?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/09/2019 14:46

Why are you stirring this up when the OP has made her decision?

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2019 15:01

God your poor brother. He's entitled to get married and celebrate it as he sees fit, and he's subject to all this drama if he doesn't do it the way you guys want him to.

Personally I'd consider going no contact over the drama you guys are inflicting on them both,

Nakamarra · 20/09/2019 04:59

Choose not to and show solidarity with your husband. It is their choice not to view your husband as their close family and it's your choice to 'own' your displeasure at that, without adding drama. Encourage your parents to go, just take a step back from any type of expectations you have regarding your brother.

This.

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