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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding reception

406 replies

VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 15:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 11/09/2019 16:34

Op what kind of relationship do you have with your brother? Do you get on/see much of him?

ElizaDee · 11/09/2019 16:35

them both not regarding my family as his family too.

I wouldn't go. But I'd be a bitch about it. I'd say I'd go and then not turn up on the day.

clucky3 · 11/09/2019 16:35

I think your brother has been quite mean spirited here. You don't want to offend him, but he clearly isn't bothered about offending you.

YANBU to be upset. In your position I would politely decline the invitation. Let your brother moan if he wants to, it's really rotten to exclude your siblings partner and children from your wedding. He knew it would upset you and he did it anyway. Don't worry about his feelings.

Bibidy · 11/09/2019 16:37

Look OP, I do get why you're a bit miffed that your husband isn't invited, it's fairly unusual that your brother isn't inviting his own brother-in-law. Your children are another story as if it's a child-free reception then it's child-free, end of.

BUT that said, you've made your feelings clear and so has your brother. I don't think it's worth kicking up another fuss and potentially ruining your relationship with your brother over. This is likely the last thing in the list of wedding events so this issue will hopefully never arise again anyway.

Drum2018 · 11/09/2019 16:38

YABU expecting your kids to be invited but it's a bit strange that your Dh isn't. Are any bil/sil of the bride being invited? If so I'd be annoyed but if not then at least they are being consistent on both sides of the family.

diddl · 11/09/2019 16:39

"Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go."

Why?

He managed to get married without them there so he can manage the celebratory meal without them.

I think he sounds horrible & selfish & blaming everyone else for his shitty choices.

Bibidy · 11/09/2019 16:40

To be fair, I would be embarrassed if my own sister didn't invite my partner (in this case, husband) to her wedding/wedding reception.

Unless she or the groom had an issue with my partner, I really wouldn't expect that and wouldn't even know how to deal with it, as my partner would definitely assume it's because they had some kind of problem with him.

I get it with friends and acquaintances, but your actual sibling's spouse is taking it a bit far.

clucky3 · 11/09/2019 16:40

I think he sounds horrible & selfish & blaming everyone else for his shitty choices.*

Agreed

pigeononthegate · 11/09/2019 16:41

The only sense I can make of this is that your brother actually detests your husband and actively wants him absent from the event.

Surely you would know if that were the case, though?

I wouldn't go, in any case.

Croquembou · 11/09/2019 16:43

I never understand this in-law fuss. I get on with my sister well enough but not particularly close. Her and my husband barely know each other and don't particularly like each other (no hostility or drama, just very different people, wouldn't be friends). I'd completely understand if she wanted someone she did like at a big event rather than my husband. Same with my B/SiL, I really don't care if they invite their brother but not me.

Life is just so short for all this avoidable family in-fighting. But we're a Forces family so maybe I'm just more used to getting on with life without my husband/attending things without him.

viques · 11/09/2019 16:43

Ok it's a bit odd that your OH hasnt been invited (again! Does he eat with his mouth open or something ?) but that aside I think you have to be the bigger person in this and go to the meal on your own.

By doing so you are rising above the pettiness your brother and father have both shown and you are , from your side at least, showing willing to let bygones be bygones.

If you don't go this thing is going to fester and get nasty and turn into a family feud that in years to come you will regret but not see how to end it.

Go, be charming, thank your new SIL parents for the invitation, enjoy a lovely meal and hope that in future your family can learn to behave in a more civil manner to each other.

7salmonswimming · 11/09/2019 16:45

You think a wedding is a family occasion, to which family should be invited

Your brother thinks his wedding is a chance to push the boat out and celebrate with his (not your, his) nearest and dearest, doing what he enjoys the most.

Neither of you are wrong. It is what it is.

YAB entirely U talking in terms of acceptance or coming to terms with things. It’s lunch, not a moral quandary.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 11/09/2019 16:45

Go or don't go. But either way, perhaps try to understand why this has happened. The entire family essentially making your feelings more important than your brother's, about his own wedding, has done this. Honestly, why such a palava? And after last time, did your parents perhaps think that they should just back the fuck off?

Harriedharriet · 11/09/2019 16:45

I presume the OP is "embarrassed" by the insult to her husband from her family? Fair enough I say.
It is not "just a meal" out it is a Wedding Breakfast.
The brother could have made it "just a meal out" by simply invited the op and her parents out for a bite (in a posh restaurant). He could have healed a fit and celebrated his marriage.
Instead he did EXACTLY the same as last time.
Lousy, spoilt. dominant and mean behavior.
Cannot believe people are spinning the OP.

GiveMeHope103 · 11/09/2019 16:48

I would tell your db to go to hell and cut ties with him. If he doesnt want your family there then what does he want you there for? He is excluding a huge part of your life and expects you to be ok with that? Stuff that. It's pretty obvious he loathes your dh and DC as it's now the second time he is doing this.

whatever123noname · 11/09/2019 16:48

I think you should go and not make a fuss. It's just one meal. Leave your parents to it. I think he's rude and so is the rest of the family, this isn't worth falling over.

LochJessMonster · 11/09/2019 16:48

Maybe your brother and SIL are pissed off because you ruined their wedding and essentially forced them to elope?

Maybe they don't like your husband. Maybe they like him but aren't close enough to invite him to the meal.
Get over it.

CreatedBySombra · 11/09/2019 16:49

In your position I'd just decline the invitation politely and not be drawn into any discussion with anyone in the family about it apart from your brother...and only if he asks.

Your brother will know precisely why you aren't going so probably won't ask. Absolutely do not start discussing the situation with your parents/cousins because your decision is not a bearing on them at all and will just stir the pot again like the last occasion.

You can't force someone to invite those they don't want in attendance, but they can't police your response by the same token.

Your brother has shown his hand quite clearly and without any care about the impact it has on you and your family, you can make your decision accordingly with zero guilt.

Harriedharriet · 11/09/2019 16:50

*healed a rift!

*inviting, not invited

Leeds2 · 11/09/2019 16:52

How does your DH feel about you going to the meal on your own?

diddl · 11/09/2019 16:52

" you ruined their wedding and essentially forced them to elope?"

That was Op's father I would say.

Will he be going to the meal, Op?

BlockedAndDeleted · 11/09/2019 16:53

You don’t learn do you?

pictish · 11/09/2019 16:54

You don’t say if your husband and brother are close so it’s difficult to offer a sound opinion on this.
It’s a celebratory meal to mark getting married. He wants close family and friends there, isn’t too bothered about anyone else. I think that’s acceptable.
Your family are ganging up on your brother which clearly says you all feel entitled to force the issue. I don’t understand why because I don’t know the nature of your husband’s relationship with your brother. I don’t think he needs to be included just because he’s married to you, no.
They are having a small wedding. That means a select few. Your dh didn’t make the cut. Lots of people didn’t make the cut. This wouldn’t bother me and my dh. I’m unclear as to why it bothers you.

Chloemol · 11/09/2019 16:55

I would go on this occasion, however as I am also a total cow sometimes I would also ensure that when planing anything family orientated I would on,y 8nviteyour brother and not the sil

Harriedharriet · 11/09/2019 16:55

I agree wholeheartedly with CeatedBy. It is very important now to maintain your dignity, make your decision and DON'T DISCUSS.

Your relationship with your brother will now need to be recalibrated. It can be turbulent especially of you have been hurt like this. Deep thinking is in order. Good luck.