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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding reception

406 replies

VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 15:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

OP posts:
Sunshine93 · 11/09/2019 16:05

You can be hurt. That's fine. It's just a meal though. It's one day. You either go and are secretly hurt or you don't go.

I can’t come to terms with the decision to exclude my wonderful husband

Sorry but this is ridiculously melodramatic. If you don't want to go politely decline, if you do then go alone. Let your parents make their own decision and don't get involved. It would be completely selfish to create drama that overshadowed your brother's special day.

CornforthWhite · 11/09/2019 16:06

I think it's mean and an odd choice so I understand your upset and feelings being hurt. However there is no point being ridiculous about things and causing major upset. Be bright and breezy about the entire episode and wish them well, just don't go. It will hurt like hell but get on that higher ground and be the bigger person. The only decision you have in all of this is whether you go or not. Choose not to and show solidarity with your husband. It is their choice not to view your husband as their close family and it's your choice to 'own' your displeasure at that, without adding drama. Encourage your parents to go, just take a step back from any type of expectations you have regarding your brother. When someone shows you who they are, pay attention. It's shitty, but show that in not going, not by creating WWIII in your family.

LimpidPools · 11/09/2019 16:06

I can’t come to terms with the decision to exclude my wonderful husband

Grin

Sorry OP, but your brother just doesn't love him like you do. I'm sure he likes him well-enough, as I do my brother-in-law, but just isn't that bothered.

I certainly have friends I would be a lot more concerned about having attend a major celebration.

It's a bit unusual for them not to invite your DH, but they have given their reasons. There just isn't space. So go or don't go, but get over yourself.

As for being baffled by them not inviting your children too... GrinGrinGrin

You're delusional OP, but you've really cracked me up.

summersherewishiwasnt · 11/09/2019 16:08

I can empathize with why you are upset, and embarrassed.
It’s a very awkward situation of your brothers making, future Christmas may be very frosty indeed, he is not doing himself any favours at all.
I think I would just attend, be present but know for future where I stood with him.
Perhaps once he is actually married he will understand how shit it is to exclude his bil.

tolerable · 11/09/2019 16:09

What about...If...You accept the invitation...go, try and enjoy the company?

mcmooberry · 11/09/2019 16:09

I think you have very little choice but to go and make the best of it but I understand absolutely why you are so offended at your DH not being invited, It is not a suitable venue for children and some people want a child-free wedding. I think in years to come they will regret not inviting your DH, it is baffling why they have done it though.

timshelthechoice · 11/09/2019 16:10

Just decline. Your parents can make their own decision. It's not even a real wedding. He just eloped.

WindsorDuchess · 11/09/2019 16:10

You've mentioned that the cousins partners who aren't invited are encouraging there partners to go, but haven't mentioned what your husbands view is.

Breathlessness · 11/09/2019 16:11

You’ve already ruined his wedding plans, can you not just zip your mouth and sit through one meal?

Bookworm4 · 11/09/2019 16:11

Personally I think he’s rude. Not to invite your sisters husband again is deliberate and rude. It’s hardly s huge family OP has. Don’t go I wouldn’t.

ChicCroissant · 11/09/2019 16:11

This isn't the actual wedding, for the posters who have missed that detail - they had the same plan for the wedding and meal but then got married without his family present IIRC.

The meal is the same proposal as last time, just a new attempt at the same thing. So the bride and groom knew it wouldn't be popular again, and have now got the bride's mum to issue the invitation!

Ember12 · 11/09/2019 16:11

Just decline the invite and encourage your parents to go dont make them choose.

TimeForNewStart · 11/09/2019 16:12

I didn’t invite an in-laws to my wedding, and as a result my relative didn’t come.

There was mild regret on all sides, but we were all happy with our decisions. No drama, no recriminations. Maybe try that?

ReanimatedSGB · 11/09/2019 16:12

I wonder if your brother or his fiance dislike your H for some reason. Is your H from a different background to your family? Is your marriage 'difficult'? Or does your H have form for bad behaviour at big events (drinking too much, telling vulgar jokes, chasing female guests, etc)?

If your H is lovely and your marriage perfect, then it does seem a bit rude. But it could also be the case that your brother prioritizes friends over family members he doesn't spend much time with - and given the way you and your parents have been whining and crying and trying to insist on getting your own way, I think he might have a point.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 11/09/2019 16:13

Agree it's his wedding so his choice. But his choice to define his family to not include your DH is going to have long term effects and cause ill feeling. (I do think it's ok for him not to invite the dcs)

If you think youd struggle to keep up a fake act that this hasn't hurt you at the event, politely decline.

There is no reason for drama, theres also no reason for you to feel you have to go along and make a fuss about your SIL becoming part of your family.

Frankly I would take the decision that if he doesn't see your dh as family, you dont see any reason to celebrate his marriage as a family event, spouces are family or they are not. You dont need to tell him that, you dont need to make a drama or make it all about you, but you can just not act like his marriage has any effect on you if it's not adding someone to the family.

titchy · 11/09/2019 16:16

FFS. Go. Don't go. Seethe with bitterness and resentment. Or don't. Who cares. Drama llama.

Peterpiperpickedwrongagain · 11/09/2019 16:17

It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

So your brothers PIL haven’t invited your DH &DC and yet again your family have tried to make them change the arrangements.

My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them.

So why is it a drama with you?

Some people could start a fight in an empty room

Yep.

Biker47 · 11/09/2019 16:18

I'm usually off the "it's up to them who they invite" opinion, but fuck that noise for this. If he was your boyfriend of 2 weeks I could understand him not being invited, but to not invite your sisters husband, is a pisstake. I would decline the invitation.

Anything you invite him to in the future (if you can move past this), just don't invite his wife and see how he likes it.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 11/09/2019 16:19

Unless there is a huge backstory your brother is a nasty shit. Who excludes their BIL & invites friends instead? Invite him for Christmas but exclude his new wife. Let’s see what he makes of that! I wouldn’t go in your shoes either.

Horehound · 11/09/2019 16:23

You are being unreasonable. Respect their wishes. You don't have to go, you know?

KittenMittens1 · 11/09/2019 16:23

Could you not book in with at the restaurant with your family at another table? or is that too petty Grin Grin

TheCraicDealer · 11/09/2019 16:27

I said on your first thread that the kids not being invited wouldn't bother me in the slightest (it sounds like a very adult orientated event) but the lack of invite for your DH would piss me off. They were aware of the upset it caused the last time, so why would they expect everyone to be ok with it now? Why do the same thing twice and expect a different reaction?

Yes it's their 'wedding' but you need to have a bloody good reason not to invite your only sibling's husband and run the risk of your (supposedly) nearest and dearest being hurt and offended. Your DBro clearly doesn't give a shit so I would conveniently arrange something for that weekend and take myself off.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/09/2019 16:29

My cousin’s wife is upset about her exclusion but has encouraged my cousin to go.

I think that is the way to go, to be honest. It's that or decline.

It's clear that your brother prefers smaller events and doesn't consider your husband, or infact anyone's partners, essential to this type of event. You always have the choice to decline, or you can attend without your husband. You can't force him to invite your husband, or to love him like you do.

Usually I would say to just decline if you don't want to go without him, but in this case I think I would, purely because of the all the fuss over the wedding. You may not think you were unreasonable then, but I'd imagine things with your brother may get very tense if you kick up a fuss again, and it may be worth attending to start building a bridge.

You cannot force your brother, his wife or her parents to consider your family inseperable and essential.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/09/2019 16:31

Bloody hell it's dinner out

Just go and have a nice time with your folks. Your wonderful DH and kids can have something they'd rather eat somewhere they would probably rather be instead.

Your DB isn't doing a conventional wedding of any sort so none of the conventions apply. Accept it for what it is.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/09/2019 16:32

YABU and I am so tired of you trying to continually get a group of strangers to be angry with you.
a) its your DB's and his wifes day- Let them celebrate it as they want to.
b) your DH and DC are important to you, this doesn't mean they have to be important to everyone else. Its ridiculous to think that not inviting them is akin to treason.
c) your DP and most of the family have behaved disgracefully to your DB and his wife to be. You should be apologising for your actions instead of continually having digs.
d) I cant see you doing anything but spoiling the day- by not coming you will leave a shadow and if you do go, you will be moaning and groaning about it all.

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