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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding reception

406 replies

VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 15:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

OP posts:
AuchAyeTheNo · 11/09/2019 17:36

I wouldn’t go. I would wish them well and stay away. Will you be happy to sit there and share a meal while knowing what has happened

HotChocWithCream · 11/09/2019 17:36

OP,

You REALLY need to come to a couple of realisations:

  1. This event is NOT about YOU or YOUR feelings.

  2. Your brother is entirely within his rights to invite whomever he pleases without justifying himself to you.

  3. It is not about your husband/children "not making the cut" its about your brothers CHOICE of keeping numbers small.

In other words - get over yourself. The world does not revolve around YOU and YOUR feelings. If I were your brother I'd be infuriated by your attitude towards all this and it would make me go low contact with you in future.

7salmonswimming · 11/09/2019 17:38

So. Much. Drama.

Says it all that you needed to “come to terms” with the fact that your BIL would playfight with your precious child but your brother wasn’t interested. It’s all about you, isn’t it? Your brother is 100% entitled to show no interest in your children 10 YEARS before he even got married or (I assume) had children of his own. Some people don’t know or like or enjoy children.

You and your father sounds suffocating, just over this random Internet forum! Leave the man be, fgs. Not everyone places the same importance on things. Your brother has different ideas about life. That’s all there is to it. It’s a special kind of self-centered person who takes that personally.

Ellie56 · 11/09/2019 17:38

Surely you can do without your wonderful husband for a couple of hours OP? You are not joined at the hip and he has encouraged you to go. Hmm

SavingSpaces2019 · 11/09/2019 17:42

Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations

Ok.....but then you tell us We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places...Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!

Your dad threatened to not attend his son's wedding unless HIS wants were accommodated.
He gave his child a cash gift for their wedding - with strings attached.
The whole family then started piling the pressure on him re invites.
I'm not surprised he chose to elope!

It is hard to come to terms with them both not regarding my family as his family too
YOUR family unit ISN'T his family unit though!
Do you allow him to make decisions re how you spend your family money and the decisions you make for your family/dc?
It sounds like you have one of those suffocating family dynamics where you essentially live in each other's pockets and any non-compliance is met with the whole family applying emotional blackmail and using everything in their arsenal in order to force you to submit.

Good on your brother for standing his ground and doing what he feels is right for him and the family unit that HE is creating.

He is clearly setting boundaries re how much family drama, interference and control he's allowing in his life.

saraclara · 11/09/2019 17:43

Your brother is treating all the inlaws the same. This is not a personal slight, this is a way to keep the numbers down, and he's being consistent.

Get over it. Seriously.

I've no idea where the baby stuff comes into it. Some people find babies entertaining and respond to them naturally. Others don't.

Anyway, go or don't go. And don't influence your parents. Personally I think it's vital that they both go. And if my absence was going to result in that not happening, I'd find that a good reason to go.

saraclara · 11/09/2019 17:44

Also, if he lets your husband and kids attend (with your mum paying) then all the other inlaws that he's not invited have reason to kick off.
He is being consistent and that's the right thing to do.

LetsSplashMummy · 11/09/2019 17:48

He couldn't have the engagement he wanted as you made it all about you. He couldn't have the wedding he wanted as you made it all about your DH, let the poor guy have a meal with his closest friends and immediate family. Your DH is no more "excluded," than he is from an all female hen night, he just isn't immediate family. It's only you making it into a personal slight. It's also unlikely that, even if you wear him down and get DH invited, you'll be happy - can you swear you wouldn't then start on about inviting your kids? Maybe DBro is thinking "might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb."

Your DBro didn't feign enough interest at your baby ten years ago... do you realise his wedding is important to him and you aren't showing any interest beyond how it all affects you. Imagine he'd come round to your newborn and said "i'd have named them x... I don't want kids yet... me me me..." wouldn't that have been worse than disinterest? That's what you're doing. Don't talk to your parents and cousins about the "exclusions," whipping up emotions, just go and try and enjoy yourself.

titchy · 11/09/2019 17:49

I'm beginning to see why BIL feels the way he does....

He is allowed to do things his way you know OP, when celebrating his wedding.

Your wedding was your time to do things your way, his wedding is for him and his wife to determine.

Chocolatehat · 11/09/2019 17:50

Will your parents attend if you don’t go?

pictish · 11/09/2019 17:52

“Your DH is no more "excluded," than he is from an all female hen night, he just isn't immediate family. “

Good way of putting it. Fuck sake that this needs spelled out again and again.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 11/09/2019 17:52

Just RSVP No op
No need for anything else.
It's the same as when you have a kid free wedding, you need to suck up that some families won't attend. If you have a partner free wedding, same applies.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 11/09/2019 17:55

WindsorDuchess
You've mentioned that the cousins partners who aren't invited are encouraging there partners to go, but haven't mentioned what your husbands view is.

I had been wondering about that: I've read through both threads, and you haven't once said that your husband is upset about not having been invited, only that you are upset that he wasn't/isn't.

Is he? Mine would regard a meal in a posh caff run by a celebrity chef with a load of people and best behaviour and fancy duds as a fair old sample of hell. Brother-in-law's wedding or not, he'd be trying to find reasons not to go.

Atalune · 11/09/2019 17:59

You must come to terms with the decisions.

Frankly your co-dependence on your husband being in attendance is weird now.

Peterpiperpickedwrongagain · 11/09/2019 18:01

All in-laws are excluded

So why are YOU making it such an issue then? It’s not an insult if your DH isnt the only one not invited.

Actionhasmagic · 11/09/2019 18:07

I think it’s strange to not want your husband there. Did he do something? Kid free weddings I get - although I had my niece and nephew as part of the wedding party

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 11/09/2019 18:07

Honestly I think you’re getting a hard time here OP. Your brother doesn’t respect your marriage and leaving out your DH once was bad enough, doing it twice would be a slap in the face for me.

I’m sorry, but a restaurant not having enough space is bullshit. Add an extra table on the end and be done with it!

diddl · 11/09/2019 18:07

"cousins partners who aren't invited are encouraging there partners to go,"

Unless they are particularly close though, the cousins& their spouses might not feel so bothered about spouses not being invited.

diddl · 11/09/2019 18:08

How many other siblings are there Op & how do they feel about it?

noeyedeer · 11/09/2019 18:08

So your brother invited siblings and cousins but no in-laws to his wedding in order to accommodate a few close friends due to venue restrictions? You kicked off, your dad kicked off (BTW which friends should he have excluded?) and so they eloped.

His new wife's parents returned the cheque, and her PARENTS have now invited you to a posh meal. You've said DB and SIL are broke, so her parents must be paying. And you're still kicking off?

Give your head a wobble OP. Or ring SILs parents and demand they invite your husband and kids, perhaps along with a suggestion of which three friends they can exclude for meal they invited you to and are paying for.

DecomposingComposers · 11/09/2019 18:11

Why is it ok for the brother to do something that would offend lots of us but it's down to the op to be the bigger person and not show that she's offended or upset?

Sure, it's his day and he can do what he wants. But in so doing he has to accept that he can't dictate others reactions to his actions surely?

He hasn't invited his bil and many of you are saying op just has to accept that so now, if his dsis doesn't attend then dB should also just have to accept it shouldn't he?

pictish · 11/09/2019 18:12

It wouldn’t offend me.
I’m not looking for a cheer or anything, I’m just saying it wouldn’t offend me. I think lots of people wouldn’t be offended by this. I am one of them.

Daylily34 · 11/09/2019 18:13

I completely understand why you are hurt by your brothers behaviour in relation to your husband being excluded . I think it’s odd that your brother wants you to go to a meal to celebrate his wife becoming your sister in law , but then excludes his brother in law. He has shown by doing this twice though that he hasn’t changed his mind. His wife and her parents might be driving this . I think you have 2 choices , decline - but ask your parents to go , or go as a one off , but refuse any future such invites. What does your husband think ?

noeyedeer · 11/09/2019 18:14

@DecomposingComposers but brother has already has his day. He eloped. This is a meal hosted by his in-laws. OP really does now either have to accept the invitation or decline.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 11/09/2019 18:16

I do however think you should just decline the invite and stop agonising over it. He’s put his cards on the table, you do the same and put an end to all this, which is clearly stressing you all out.