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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

264 replies

lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 14:00

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

OP posts:
purplelila2 · 12/09/2019 19:02

YABU and selfish it's not YOUR baby you can't dictate and she doesn't want your help.

Insanelysilver · 12/09/2019 19:03

Not having to look after the baby doesn’t mean you won’t get to see it hon. Sounds like you have a lot of medical issues to cope with anyway.
When your daughter says ‘sort out’ your arthritis etc, what does she mean?
What does she expect you can do that you’re not already doing? Presumably you’re being prescribed medication etc?
A lot of women I’ve known run themselves ragged to child mindi their grandkids and once the kids grow up a bit and they’re not required to help with childcare so much, they often seem to be sidelined and a bit superfluous to requirements.

Not being required to baby but might not be such a bad thing for you provided you still get to see him or her regularly Xx

Sallycanwait1 · 12/09/2019 19:04

I,m not saying l'd look after the baby alone. My idea was to pop over and do housework while she breastfed, which is what l would have loved my own mother to do in those first really busy months.

I wish my mum had done this for me.
She did keep bringing round dinners though so I'll let her off.

I wouldn't worry to much about what your dd says now. It'll change when they baby arrives. No one would turn down help.

Morgomargot · 12/09/2019 19:07

I think your daughter reaction is very unfair. Arthritis is not something you can just sort out. If it's rheumatoid then it's not gonna get better but it is manageable and it will depend on the severity. One of my mother's friends is so bad with it she can no longer undress herself (she's 62) and I would not leave her incharge of my kids. Not only for their sake but it would be grossly unfair on her incase she injured herself. If it's osteoarthritis that can be treated more easily depending on where it is by losing weight and eventually having joint replacements. You can help yourself by losing weight but it's not as though you can hurry up the NHS for joint replacements. Being a Grandma is more than just being able to look after your grandchildren unsupervised. You obviously have a lot of love there and when it comes down to it your daughter will be grateful to have you around to help in whatever way you can. Flowers

MrsBadcrumble123 · 12/09/2019 19:07

I think your daughter is being precious and rude!! She is living with you to save money and then talks to you like this about a debilitating condition! How dare she talk to you like a moron and act like you don’t know your comfortable limits. Personally I’d say that she has hurt your feelings and you’d never dream of putting your grandchild at risk. Sorry you’re being treated like this OP xx

justasking111 · 12/09/2019 19:11

There is a chasm between a mum to be and motherhood. Every new mum to be has ideals, the reality can be very different. I would keep your counsel for now OP.

rainbowbear10 · 12/09/2019 19:11

What type of arthritis do you have ?...
even with medication you can still have bad days ... if she thinks you are that bad does she support you ..

My own dad would not even hold my kids until they were walking as he was scared of dropping them. i think she is just a bit over cautious. personally i think it is a good thing that his mother is going to try an give up smoking nothing worse than the smell of smoke lingering around a baby . hope she does the same with the drink and drugs .

Redwinestillfine · 12/09/2019 19:17

The worst thing you can do is turn this into an issue. Your daughter is just thinking what will be best for both you and the baby. If you start thinking in terms of 'fair' and 'turns' and which grandparent sees more of the baby this will end in tears. Listen to your daughter's concerns, be supportive and never ever let her know you are annoyed about this or badmouth her partner's family. She doesn't need the stress and will only push her away. Do tell her how much you are looking forward to being a grandma and outline what realistic support you can offer if she chooses, but make it clear it's her decision. If she feels supported and empowered by you she's more likely to stick around. Also even if she does move, if her in-laws are supportive then you can be the fun holiday Grandma. If they're not supportive then she may well move back. Whatever happens it's her call though.

Commonwasher · 12/09/2019 19:18

Don’t worry OP, once baby is here she will be falling over herself to accept your kind and considerate offer to do housework while she breastfeeds. Goodness you sound ace. And with help like yours around why would she move to London? You sound fit and well and also like a very nice loving mum to her, maybe she is over-fretting about all the possible risks to her baby and the weight of responsibility which is coming her way, and has inadvertently been insensitive to you. X

StarB3 · 12/09/2019 19:19

My mum has bad arthiritus in her hands but it's never stopped her from looking after my children or her now great grandchild. I think you have the right to be upset as it isn't something you can just cure or sort out. As for your mobility issue I couldn't really say, but you need to be physically able to look after a baby or small child. If your daughter doesn't think you can do this then she has a point. I'd never leave children with someone unless I were positive they would be ok with them

Macaroni46 · 12/09/2019 19:22

Ffs you can't 'sort out' arthritis. I got it in my forties and it's crap enough having it without someone suggesting you sort it out! I'd love mine to be sorted out! Not as if it's an enjoyable condition. Your DD needs to be a bit more thoughtful.
I'm sure you're perfectly able to look after DGC and I wish you well OP

GPatz · 12/09/2019 19:27

You sound like the perfect grandparent Lincoln. No badgering for overnights!

firesong · 12/09/2019 19:28

Aw OP. I'm sure that once the child is old enough, the parents will be more than grateful for any help they can get. They're probably just in that weird phase! And I have arthritis now, in my late 30s and am capable of looking after my toddler and older child Smile

Instagrrr · 12/09/2019 19:38

It sounds to me like she thinks you play on your arthritis and has seen you more able and more mobile and thinks you are capable if you want to be?

Please don’t start a tug of war with the grandchild. I’m currently NC from my mother due to her being like this

NitNat78 · 12/09/2019 19:42

Hopefully once your DD has had the baby and sees you with it, she will see what you are (and maybe, are not) capable of. Don't worry now, things that are 'planned' now may be very different once baby arrives. Congratulations x

beingmum39 · 12/09/2019 19:46

My mum has a crumbling spine and she has still said she wants to look after my son but has worries about picking him up especially when he starts running about and weighs more. If I don't think my Mum can manage then I will take that pressure away from her . She of course will still see him but without the need to be anxious in his company as I will be with her.

Your daughter is probably concerned for you and I cannot see any malice in her comments. She is perhaps preparing you to be aware that she won't have any expectations as his Granny that you are expected to look after him whilst she isn't around. Flowers

Cannotresist · 12/09/2019 19:50

@lilypoppet

I’m sorry but what are you actually saying/ asking

Your initial post is completely out of context and your replies haven’t added anything.

Why has your daughter said this and in what context?

ellzebellze · 12/09/2019 20:06

You might have wanted your own mother to come over, do housework and help out all the time when your dc were tiny, and you might want to do the same for your own daughter and gc.

But it is for her to decide.

HospitalToast · 12/09/2019 20:08

This in droves. I was the most precious mum to be. I look back in embarrassment now. Don’t rise to the bait and wait until reality kicks in then your support will be welcomed.

RLOU30 · 12/09/2019 20:09

@Windydaysuponus

Try telling my mum that. My son is 16 months and she has him all day twice a week while I work. She would have done 4 days if she could but I thought nursery part time would be better for he and her (he is hard work).
Most grandparents dote on their grandchildren especially the first. Of course OP wants to feel needed and important.

BestBeforeddmmyy · 12/09/2019 20:33

I really think your dd is being a drama queen. The baby is not even here yet and she is setting up rivalries between you and her mil. I find it appalling that she thinks someone with arthritis cannot look after a baby. You looked after her for God’s sake.
I think I would be disinclined to get to get involved if this how over protective she is before the baby is even born. Honestly, I
am appalled by how rude dd is about you.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/09/2019 20:37

This sounds like a reverse Hmm

dollydaydream114 · 12/09/2019 20:53

None of this makes any sense. First of all you say you are heartbroken because you won't be allowed to 'look after their baby' but then you say you are actually very busy with a full time job and just wanted to go over and do some housework.

So if you don't want to look after the baby anyway, what is the problem, why are you heartbroken and why is there going to be a 'tug of war'? Confused

rockvshardplace · 12/09/2019 20:55

Op, one of my parents has mobility issues but my toddler is much closer to my parent than pil. Yes, it would be hard for my parent to take them out for the day for example, but in their own home or mine it’s fine. Especially now that dc is walking and less dependent on being carried.

I think a lot of pp have been quite harsh on both you and your daughter. I can see you dd’s point of view too as she’ll be worried about her pfb. You and your did are obviously close though if she’s living with you now so I’m sure in time you and your daughter will figure out a way for it to work for you all xx

SueCelebrant · 12/09/2019 20:56

My gut reaction is that she would never want you to be heart-broken but is hoping that this is a perfect opportunity to try and encourage you to sort out your health issues. I wish you and your family love and happiness x