Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

[lilypoppet]

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

She'll change her mind as soon as she needs help looking after the baby.

I love my Mum but if I had another baby I wouldn't allow her to look after it alone. She has arthritis and the pain and spasms can cause her to faulter. If that happened when she was holding a baby she could hurt the baby. Thing is though, my mum knows this and would absolutely never put me in the position where I would need to feel bad because she's a good mum.

I don't know this is the kind of thing I might tell my Dad.

His version of events - he has a chronic lung condition, has a heart condition and gets very breathless and I'm a heartless daughter.

My version of events - he has a stable lung condition that has responded very well to treatment and his lung function tests have actually improved. He has a heart condition but was totally symptom free until his coincidental diagnosis but now he knows he has it gets symptoms all the flipping time. He Is massively overweight and does NO exercise. His respiratory and cardiology consultants have both told him he needs to do some but he won't. He refused recently to go for a flat walk with my brother and I. He also eats takeaway about 4 nights a week.

So OP is there any element in your health problems that you have control over?

You're entitled to your view @Lincolnfield and there's probably a lot of people who feel the same.

I would never assume that DM or DMIL would provide any childcare. As it is when I go back to work next month for the first time since DS was born (now 2.5) one will do one day and the other one afternoon and he'll be in nursery the rest of the time. DM would love to help more but she has other responsibilities.

It does sound as though you do see your grandkids regularly. The only thing I would think is that if you found it hard raising your sons with no grandparent input then you might have wanted things to be different/a bit easier for your kids when they became parents.

But each to their own. I certainly wouldn't burn you at the stake. It's your choice!

Lincoln I'm the DM of a 15 mo and I agree with you mostly. My DM has DD 1 day a week while I work, I had to back part time when she was 9mo. However she offered to do this, I would never have asked her to - actually she offered 3 days a week and I thought too much and then she offered two days a week and I worried it was too much so we agreed one day to start with and then upon reviewing it I thought it was enough work for her and she agreed she wanted to stick to 1 day a week too lol. I think lots of GPs initially get excited and forget how tiring it can be to look after a baby/toddler! My DM is fit and well in her 50s and doesn't work either. I ask her for childcare if I have appts like dentist etc if DH can't be available but I would never ask for childcare for anything else like a social event or anything - and she has never offered which is absolutely fine. In my circles there are people who are gobsmacked that my DPs don't regularly have DD overnight so DH and I can have date nights etc as that's normal for them. Which is fine, but I would never expect that of a GP. She's our child, any childcare we get from a GP is much appreciated but we don't expect it, we knew our lives would change and she is our responsibility.

You sound like a really good grandma Lincoln! Sounds like you do lots of activities with your grandchildren when you have them at the weekend. Respect to you.

My parents didn't have unsupervised time in the first year of course they saw our child regularly but we were always around. Even to this day 9 and 6 they haven't stayed over alone ever. Had some evenings when we've gone out. Enjoy every moment I would start my expectations low and go from there.

The OP could have been written by my own mum. Current PG with first baby, Mum lives 100 miles away. She is likely to move and downsize at some point since my dad died last year and I KNOW she is likely to want to move near me, and “look after” baby. She is morbidly obese and has issues with her knees/ legs due to her weight. She also gets very breathless doing the most basic of tasks and really struggles with her mobility - getting up from a chair is hard work. She had been like this for years and years and she won’t seek help for any of these issues. I absolutely want her to have a relationship with the baby and for the baby to know and love her, but it will be a cold day in hell before I leave her in sole charge, especially of an active toddler. Reason being that the poor thing will end up in the house all the time as she will not be confident to take it out to park etc. and keep it safe - she herself had admitted this with my nephews! (She has made me come round when she had them as she didn’t feel that she could catch them if they bolted (I lived nearer then!)) I also wouldn’t feel safe leaving the baby and her being able to respond quickly in a crisis/emergency!
If that makes me a bitch then so be it, but my child’s safety and well-being totally outranks her pride!

Surely you know your own limitations to know if you’re even able to babysit for your new GC? If you’re not, regardless of why, you need to accept that. It would be unreasonable/irresponsible for you to allow your daughter to leave her child with you knowing you couldn’t cope.

@CowgirlBride totally agree, my MIL is the same but how could you leave your child in that predicament? You just couldn’t but unfortunately MIL cannot see the problem which makes it very difficult

It is up to your daughter who looks after her child. If you try to push her on this you will make it harder to be involved with your grandchild. Wait and see how she feels when the baby arrives but please now stop thinking about yourself, this is not your child.

So you're good enough to live with and subsidise her and her husband, but not good enough to mind the (not yet even arrived) baby? Your DD is being a knob. Hopefully she's just being a bit PFB and will look back and cringe at herself!

If your DD worded it in the way you describe in your OP, that was very insensitive and cruel of her. But I don't think she WBU in voicing her concerns. We had a similar issue with my MIL - she has a serious hip problem that limits her mobility (not arthritis though) and would have been unable to lift our DD out of her cot and carry her to safety if there was an emergency. My MIL was upset when we said it wasn't practical for her to babysit but she understood. However, once our DD was into her toddler years and could walk unaided there was no issue and they have a terrific relationship. I don't see why you can't help out while your daughter is present though – my MIL did.

I’m lost, are you wanting to look after your DGC or wanting to pop round and help with housework etc? You’re saying different things and not answering posts asking for clarification.

Your daughter sounds like a bitch ..

Is there something missing from your story?

@M2B19 I’m glad it’s not just me! The trouble is, if I said to her I’m not going to leave the baby with you because you’re overweight and you aren’t mobile enough, I know she would be heartbroken and very very angry with me! The irony is that MIL has 10 years on my mum yet is very physically active and able, she goes on hikes etc and for that reason I would have no qualms about leaving the baby with her but if I did that, it that would just be rubbing salt in my mum’s wounds! I’m just gonna have to hope that my mum chooses to go live near one of my brothers who’s kids are all older and this doesn’t become an issue!

Sorry, I find that outrageous. How exactly are you supposed to "sort out your arthritis"? If she knows, perhaps she can share it with the rest of it who suffer daily.

How to be an amazing grandparent - help your daughter rest and enjoy her early days with her baby - focus on cooking meals, cleaning the house, making cups of tea etc (and practical help and support you can offer to help her enjoy that time with her new baby).

Slowly slowly offer things which might give her some me time. Can you hold the baby while she has a bath/nap.

Build up the child care as she learns to trust you. Respect her rules, don’t question them.

I really didn’t want to leave my children when they were little. But I did really appreciate support and help. Over time I learnt to trust others with them.

Basically just go with it and share her excitement for her new baby. You don’t need to do childcare to be wonderfully involved and bonded.

You may get more supportive replies on Gransnet. My MiL has arthritis, and vascular dementia but she still gets to cuddle her great granddaughter, even if she forgets her name or that she's a girl.

Looking after a grandchild is hard work. My grandson is 2 1/2 and if my hip is playing up I tell him granny's hip is bad and he either stops the chase element to his play or goes to annoy play with some else. Lucky it is just pain and I can move as quickly with the pain as without.

Sounds like she told the other granny she had to stop smoking or she could not look after baby either.

One giant misunderstanding I think

You can’t sort out arthritis. I’ve had it since I was very young but managed perfectly well

I am looking to move to/around Basildon from East London to start my new job at Basildon University Hospital. Hubby works at Stratford currently. I am looking for a good area to live in/around Basildon with good/outstanding schools around for my kids (5years and 2years old) Any idea which area would be best suited for us given the commute to Stratford, Basildon Hospital and above all the focus on good/outstanding schools? Thanks in advance

@Lincolnfield, actually, you sound pretty great to me. Loads of activities and days out with them, they get special time with you - you sound like a good gparent to me.

I'm shocked at some of the lack of empathy on this forum towards you. I had to stop reading.

Firstly lm sorry you have arthritis, and l hope it's being managed well.
Secondly congratulations on the promise of a grandbaby, what a joy.
I suggest you talk with your daughter tell her you've been thinking about what she said. Ask what her concerns are, and work out a plan. I.e. are Lifting, soothing, tiredness issues? Work out what you can do, so that their are no misunderstandings. You like everyone else have time to evolve with a mobile infant and you can all reassess expectations and abilities.

Enjoy your new grandbaby and your daughter. Our babies having babies is such a joy.