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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

264 replies

lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 14:00

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 11/09/2019 18:07

So we have gone from in tears and facing a tug of war over the baby because she might not let you look after it to I,m not saying l'd look after the baby alone. My idea was to pop over and do housework?

What exactly did you say to her and what exactly did she say to you?

I'm getting flashbacks to the train journey.

Dollymixture22 · 11/09/2019 18:23

I suspect there is much more to this story.

If your daughter worded it I. That way she is a cruel person who is emotionally manipulative.

Elbels · 11/09/2019 18:29

The most important question here is why London's carbon dioxide a worry?

Mishappening · 11/09/2019 18:42

How dare you have arthritis! What can you be thinking of!?

If she knows how to "sort out" arthritis she is in line for a fortune. Perhaps you might ask her what this miracle cure is!

I should let it blow over if I were you and not make an issue of it. I am sure she will welcome help when the time comes. And you need to think about what you can safely do - both for you and any GC you have.

As it happens I am grandma to 7 - I have mobility problems caused by osteoporosis and bone breakages; and my OH is completely disabled now as he has PD. The two GC I have looked after the most have another grandma who is younger and fitter than me. My DD knows that I am very careful about safety and make sure that the house is as safe as I can make it in ways that take into account that I cannot move at speed!

It is not an issue for me with the other grandma - she does very different things with them - striding up hills and going out for picnics etc. We do lots of reading - cuddling up with books is what they expect here; and cooking and art and craft. The children just accept this and enjoy the contrast and variety that they have. Also, they have learned compassion and have a real understanding that some people have disabilities of one degree or another. They will say things like
" Hey - mind Grandma's bad leg!"; and their charming acceptance of grandpa's total disability is wonderful to behold - they look to see how much is in his catheter bag (they will happily tell you about the mechanics of catheters, should you wish to know!); take him his medicines; help him with a drink - all done without batting an eyelid.

Please do not get into a competitive thing with the other grandma - is creates misery all round. Accept that you will have different things to offer. Just make sure these are something special for the GC that does not necessarily involve lots of action.

To some extent I understand where your DD is coming from in the sense that she is about to be a first time Mum with all the anxieties and protective instincts that this involves. But she really is being daft asking you to sort something out that cannot easily be sorted out, and is not a lifestyle choice that you have made. I really do think that at this stage "least said , soonest mended" is the way to go. And I wish you lots of luck for the future.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/09/2019 18:57

OP what exactly was said? It's a bit confusing how popping over to do housework led to a tug of war and your arthritis being too severe for you to care for a baby.

meyouandlulutoo · 11/09/2019 19:02

I found out about my arthritis after an accident where I assumed the pain and immobility was caused by my fall, some days I could hardly put one foot in front of the other and couldn't use steps or stairs at all. I had numerous examinations and xrays etc and then was referred to a doctor who specialised in Arthritis. It affects most of my joints, knees, ankles, wrists, fingers and even my neck.

After 1 year of following advice, appropriate exercise etc, I rarely have any medication, I can take my dogs for walks and can use stairs, I can even run about with my grandchildren. Please seek advice, my life has been changed.

GPatz · 11/09/2019 19:10

'Parents should be grateful to gps for help, not "allowing" them to help like it is some sort of privilege to be bestowed'.

I'm so very, very glad my MIL and DM help out now and again because they genuinely like to and not because they expect my undying gratitude.

Chocolate50 · 11/09/2019 19:15

I think that your DD is wanting everything to be perfect & is trying to pre plan for everything. Some of what she's saying is a little controlling I think - I understand though that she's probably very anxious.
I say reassure her & keep cool about it - she will soon realise that she needs breaks from her child & be grateful to you for being reliably there for her.
And try not to worry about it yourself it'll make her worse! Just carry on being supportive & while she's at your house show her how much you can do even with your arthritis.

bigshiplittleboat · 11/09/2019 19:37

This is a very difficult situation and I have been the DD, well DIL. I don’t know if you are as badly affected as my MIL (in her 70s) but she has effectively been housebound for years due to arthritis and spent the whole pregnancy with my DD1 talking about how she would look after her while I worked (FIL not good with kids and my parents live a flight away). My DH also refused to acknowledge it wouldn’t be safe which put me in a difficult situation but I put my foot down and he spoke to her gently. Then two months ago he left them alone together in the living room while he went to the toilet and found them both on the floor when he came back as MIL had picked up DD (18 months and mobile) and fallen. It is wonderful you want a relationship and to help your daughter, just make sure you are being honest with yourself about your limitations - I’m 31 and pregnant and really struggling with my toddler, I just couldn’t leave her with MIL.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 11/09/2019 20:55

I thought you said your daughter was currently living with you?

Is she getting her own place with her husband?

And then you were going to pop over and clean for her whilst she's breastfeeding?

I think planning things like this are very much for the future and you need to listen to her about what help she'd like.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 21:11

I am hardly housebound! I work fulltime and have a busy life. Hands, knees and one hip are all fine. I just list to the right a bit and walk slowly. I'm not quite for the knackers yard yet! I do pilates twice a week which helps me to get more mobile.

OP posts:
tangled2 · 11/09/2019 22:32

Your post talked about not being allowed to look after the baby, now it's only that you want to do some housework for her. You can see why people are confused as to what was actually said.

YogaDrone · 11/09/2019 22:42

I haven't read such a fuck ton of shit for ages. Farcical and reported

ZenNudist · 11/09/2019 22:45

YABU

Frangible · 11/09/2019 22:55

But you work full time, OP. Why would anyone in this scenario assume you’d be willing to give up work to do childcare for your grandchild!

LovePoppy · 11/09/2019 23:02

@Contraceptionismyfriend I hated that offer as well. I didn’t want people in my space. It was always less “help” and more wanting baby cuddles

FireBloodAndIce · 11/09/2019 23:27

What exactly did she say?

DM with your arthritis and lack of mobility, we wouldn't ask you for childcare- we've asked more able MIL.

Or,

FFS of course we've asked MIL unless you miraculously sort out your health issues.

starfishmummy · 12/09/2019 17:30

From the post it sounds like the daughter brought this subject up not lilypoppet.

What a delightful person she is to quite happily live with her mother and then come out with something nasty like this.

ChrisInTheNorth · 12/09/2019 17:34

I'm sorry you health isn't great but be realistic. If the child fell, or was about to fall, how quickly could you get over to resolve the situation. Your daughter isn't saying you can't spend time with the grandchild, only that she has concerns about you safely being in charge.

Maybe she could have been more tactful, but her concern for her child must come above her concern for your feelings

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2019 17:39

You work full time and have a busy life, tell her you're quite happy spending time with the baby without being childcare.

However, are you getting any necessary support/medication or treatment for your arthritis and mobility issues or is she trying to force you to get it seen to when you've always previously refused?

justasking111 · 12/09/2019 17:39

Are you waiting for a new hip OP?

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 12/09/2019 17:43
Flowers

I guarantee you she'll be only too glad for you to have the baby once it's born and starts to wake up!

But until then just suck it up and go along with her wishes. Don't bring up the subject, just be supportive. It will all fall into place in time. And congratulations to you both.

manicmij · 12/09/2019 17:43

Are you not taking medication you should to help with your health issues? Seems a strange comment unless your DD knows you won't physically be able to care for a baby. Don't turn it into a war, looking after a baby isn't a picnic when in full health never mind if you have problems

Lweji · 12/09/2019 17:44

Why would you even want to look after the baby?

Aren't grandchildren supposed to be to play with and then return to parents?
Looking after them should be a favour to the parents, not to the grandparents.

Lincolnfield · 12/09/2019 17:45

I've got five grandchildren and absolutely refuse to look after them. Sorry if that makes me bad Grandma! I have three of them every couple of weekends or so and the other two alternating (different sets of parents - two sons) and we take them to the cinema or to the seaside and then take 'em home. Last weekend I took three of them to the theatre.

Their ages range from 14 down to 5.

I've made it abundantly clear that I love them. I'll be there in an emergency situation but I'm not going to provide free childcare. I work a couple of days a week, having retired from full time nursing five years ago and the job I do now is draining and involves dealing with very vulnerable people.

My husband of 46 years is my priority and we have lots of holidays both here in the UK and abroad.

I know some of you will burn me at the stake but we had our sons and we brought them up with no grandparent help. Our parents sadly were dead. My view is 'you had 'em, you look after 'em.'

Okay - now kill me! :-)