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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask son who was staying with me to leave for being awful to my cat

205 replies

Crystalcrazy · 10/09/2019 23:18

My son is in his early 20’s and has come to stay with me for a few days as he usually works away.

I have a two year old cat who likes to pounce on your feet when walking past. She’s not aggressive, it’s only playing.

Tonight I heard him shouting and went to see what had happened. He said the cat had chased him and tried to bite him and if she did it again he would kick her. I tried to explain she was playing but he was very angry and insisted he would kick her if she did it again.

At the point I said his behaviour was unacceptable and it may be best if he stayed with his dad who lives nearby.

He has now gone, I have text him to say I don’t want to fall out but no answer.

I honestly felt uneasy leaving him with her while I’m at work tomorrow. She’s a house cat so couldn’t go out.

Did I overreact?

OP posts:
kateandme · 11/09/2019 00:16

why did you leave the conversation there?why didnt you lay down the law and ask him why the fuck he thinks this is acceptable and that IT ISNT AND HE NEEDS TO NEVER EVER THINK OR DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS.and the conversation continues until yo uas a aprents get to the botttom or drum into him why this is not on.

EKGEMS · 11/09/2019 00:20

Oh FUMA you first with therapy

Original poster
Crystalcrazy · 11/09/2019 00:23

Thank you all for your comments, I will call my son tomorrow to talk. Unfortunately his attitude recently hasn’t been good. I usually just brush it off as I only see him for a few days every month or so and don’t want to fall out with him. When he’s here I make sure he has lots of treats and plan nice things for us to do. I will not allow my pet to be hurt though, she’s my family too.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 11/09/2019 00:24

You did the right thing

An adult threatening to kick a kitten is unacceptable even if it was ‘attacking’, which it wasn’t

It astounds me that people on here think it’s scceotsbke to hurt a defenceless animal because it’s playing and being a little annoying.

5foot5 · 11/09/2019 00:26

I am a cat lover. I don't have one now but I was brought up with cats and being bitten or scratched was no big deal. I just see it as the cats training me how to handle them!

However, I wonder does he have a phobia of cats perhaps? People do. I have known people very uncomfortable around them.

I am similar with birds. If I was in somebody's house and they had a budgie, say, that was flying around and trying to land on me I would find it very hard not to lash out. Hence, I can sympathise. While I wouldn't mind at all being pounced on by a cat I would be deeply, deeply unhappy about being dice bombed by a bird. Even if it was someone's beloved pet.

MissConductUS · 11/09/2019 00:27

I'd have kicked him out the door. He sounds troubled or immature.

Clevererthanyou · 11/09/2019 00:32

You don't need to be a cat lover to know that it's common decency at the very least to not kick a cat. Especially when the cat belongs to the person letting you stay in their home. Is there something wrong with your son op? I'm just wondering why a normal functioning person would lash out at an animal (who doesn't know any better than to not biff the nearest twat walking by) in such a manner.
You did a nice thing by extending the olive branch but don't lose sleep over your odious offspring, if he chooses to not have any further contact just get another cat. Brew

HalfManHalfLabrador · 11/09/2019 00:34

YANBU

Aprillygirl · 11/09/2019 00:35

I'm not a lover of cats, but if you think his threat was genuine, and not just a reactive response because he was spooked by the cat (was it?) then no you definitely didn't overreact.

OneToughMudderFudder · 11/09/2019 00:36

Oh FFS. Meanwhile in the real world YABU.

Telling a son you hardly see to leave your/his? home because he threatened to kick an irritating cat which made him jump, but hadn't actually done anything to harm the damn thing. He can assume correctly that you care more about the cat than him.

Total overreaction.

Clevererthanyou · 11/09/2019 00:39

That'll teach me to not read the full second page. The cat is neither savage nor aggressive, the cat was being a cat. The savage and aggressive comment did make me laugh though. I wont sleep tonight for fear of my three untamed ferocious beasties pouncing like wild maniacs on my uncovered, vulnerable and delicate tootsies.

*disclaimer, I fucking hate people. Even more so if they don't like animals or threaten/carry out harm to animals.

Mumsymumphy · 11/09/2019 00:46

Does your soon live with you full time as you say you only see him a few days a month? In which case you haven't even 'thrown him out'.

YANBU - he's a grown man. A grown man who's only way of dealing with a cat being a cat is to seriously threaten to kick it. I'd be having a serious chat and telling him to sort his act out.

One of my cat's favourite past times is to try and bite my toes when I go down the stairs first thing in the morning. It's just playful and actually quite funny, she actually very loving and sweet, I've just learned her warning signs and am now adept at dodging the pounces.
That's all he has to do, it's really not hard.

Monty27 · 11/09/2019 00:47

Hmmmm. He needs spoken to. He has a lot of anger in him.
It may have been better if you'd had a conversation with him rather than kicking off and chucking him out. I bet he's really upset. But he does need to calm down.

QuaterMiss · 11/09/2019 00:50

Do you live in a flat or beside a dangerous road, OP? I ask because it sounds as if your cat is bored to tears. (I do slightly feel that cats should have access to outside space, though I know this isn’t always possible.)

You do sound rather indifferent to your son. But, equally, his reaction was ... intemperate. I’m fond of cats I know and love - but I wouldn’t choose to stay in a house where someone else’s cat was continuously attacking my feet. So it’s probably best if your son stays elsewhere.

DrinkTaboo · 11/09/2019 00:53

You did the right thing, OP.

I can't believe some people on here think you overreacted just because he is your son! My nan has a little dog who is a little shit, snaps at you. Maybe my mom should go and boot it one. Because she is my nan's daughter, she should get away with it yes?

Every man in this world is somebody's son. My brother would never go around our mother's house an start booting her stuff. She would tell him to get out if he even threated to kick something, let alone a living animal.

Maybe this is one of the reasons so many men think it's ok to go around punching walls and the like.

Justsaynonow · 11/09/2019 01:18

I am a cat lover and had an aggressive cat. She was more aggressive with family than strangers - some do the opposite. She needed to be trained to know that no human body part is a play thing. We used behavioural modification. It worked.

Even a non aggressive cat can catch your skin by accident when playing. My neighbour ended up with septicemia from an accidental swipe.

I certainly don't think your son's reaction was acceptable, but IMO neither is a cat that pounces on feet. It puts you at risk of tripping or being punctured, and her of being injured by you stepping or landing on her. And many visitors will not think it's a cute behaviour.

Rubbishtimeofnighttobeup · 11/09/2019 01:56

Totally agree, DrinkTaboo. This isn't the first thread I've seen on MN where people have condoned men losing it at animals. If he'd said it once in the heat of the moment, I'd think it was a petulant behaviour but, yeah, the OP probably does need to manage the cat better with visitors. Said again in cold blood so that the OP was worried about leaving the cat with him? That's fucking sinister. Actually, threatening to harm pets is a type of abusive behaviour if you do it to a partner, so it doesn't suddenly become innocent when done by an adult child to a mother.

Loving your children unconditionally and putting them first doesn't mean turning a blind eye when they're showing signs of not being good people or having anger issues. Quite the opposite.

Mintjulia · 11/09/2019 01:57

Yanbu
He’s a grown man and a guest in your house. I’m not keen on cats but he seems to have no basic respect for other people & things.

1forAll74 · 11/09/2019 01:58

Surely you could speak to your 20 year old son about his anger towards your cat, and that it is simply not on to kick a cat.and that it is upsetting for you,to know that he has this tendency of being cruel.

I have three cats,so would be very angry with anyone who showed cruelty to my three.
Anyhow,maybe your cat doesn't like your son,so it's best he has moved out now !! happy cat again.

Broken11Girl · 11/09/2019 02:14

Do you live in a flat or beside a dangerous road, OP? I ask because it sounds as if your cat is bored to tears.
This. The cat sounds bored OP, get some toys and play with her, let her outside if possible.
I don't understand the outrage from some posters. People say things like 'I could kill someone' and don't mean it. Even the second time your DS may not have meant it. There must be a long backstory, as you sound like you really don't like him very much.

mathanxiety · 11/09/2019 02:32

You did the right thing.

Abuse of animals is highly correlated with perpetrating domestic violence. It's not really an anger issue. It's a narcissism issue. The cat didn't fall down and worship him/treat him with the respect he believes he deserves. She didn't set her own nature aside for his sake.

I would not have him back. There is probably no point speaking to him. He no doubt feels fully justified in his response, and completely victimised by you.

LaCitrouille · 11/09/2019 02:37

Yes YABU. I too hate cats. I have a phobia of all fluffy pets and my reaction is always a kick and run if they come near me. Some of you will hate me but I can't control it. I remember once crying for days after a dog touched my leg.

All of this aside, you've overreacted. A LOT.

Sweetaholic · 11/09/2019 02:49

Your son was angry and probably in pain. Two of my cats liked "playing"with feet too and frequently drew blood and got their claws stuck in my feet. It was agony and I would scream many obscenities so loud family came running. Sometimes when I tried to remove my sock when they claws were still stuck in my feet I was unable to and they would be wiggling it around trying to free themselves / keep me spiked
you could see the blood spots after AGONY!

The cats played with my DD feet too but less aggressively but she did need to remove her sock on occasion too and would loudly tell the cat she is not her friend not to talk to her!

expat101 · 11/09/2019 02:58

Our cat ''attacked'' Hubby one night leaping out of a doorway he (the cat) was hiding around as Hubby walked up the corridor. Gave him (hubby, not the cat) a hell of a fright and some deep puncture wounds.

The cat very wisely bolted off outside for a few hours.

So I can understand your Son being taken aback. Have you considered clipping your cat's nails so they are not as sharp and catching?

StroppyWoman · 11/09/2019 03:05

Your cat is bored and badly behaved.
2 years old isn’t a kitten, it’s a young cat with bad habits, usually because it was “so cute” when it did these things as a tiny kitten.
I love cats but absolutely loathe a relative’s cat that is forever doing that because they didn’t stop this behaviour from the beginning.
Deal with your cat. And build bridges with your son, your relationship with him matters

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