Work colleague texting every night

[summ]

My work colleague who I spend 40 hours in an office with comes home and wants to text me all night and talk about work and other irrelevant stuff. I'm really getting irritated by it now I really didn't want her to have my number in the first place but she asked multiple times I felt awkward saying no. She is almost double my age. It's very odd and people who I've mentioned it to say it's creepy. She isn't like this with anyone else at work there's many other people she could try and befriend if she really wants, she's been here a few years now. I've done nothing to encourage this I like to keep work and private life totally separate and don't like texting at the best of times. Many times I've ignored messages but it makes me feel rude and makes no difference anyway because I still get them every night. Even weekends sometimes. AIBU to be really pissed off about it and WWYD?

Go to HR OP and report that you’ve been harassed outside work hours and it’s affecting you in the office. Show them the texts.
Ask for a transfer away from her.

Tell HR she’s making it seem like you’re applying for another job and that 1) you’re going to take a grievance within work if they don’t do something to protect you, and 2) take it to the police if that doesn’t warn her off.

You have rights you know.
Having time off to rest is one of them, assert your employee rights. Block her number. Dump her in the shit: she’s harassing you.
Harassing someone is a crime.

YADNBU. I had this from a boss in a part time job. It means you get no mental downtime which is very important for your wellbeing.

I'd ask her one last time, by email. Tell her the constant texting is making you (understandably) anxious and ask her to stop.

If she doesn't you need to take it to your boss. It's inappropriate and they need to deal with it.

Talking about work related things after work means your mind just never switched off and your stress is always high. It’s really not fair on u. You must feel fatigued. I don’t think she realizes because she probably doesn’t have other things draining her in her life while you have other commitments.

Once you assert some boundaries you will feel more positive about her and the situation in general because you won’t feel so overwhelmed and out of control.

So address this one step at a time. Don’t try change how she is or analyze her behavior. Just try get yourself the peace of mind you need and then you will have the clear mind to decide what’s next

She does sound lonely and perhaps she doesn’t actually have the friends that she talks about. I’m sorry that it’s annoying for you, but in the grand scheme of things, being kind costs nothing, only a second of your time to reply to a txt.

Just limit it or ignore it and say you were busy making dinner /watching tv/looking after your kids/cleaning/shampooing the cat. Repeat x infinity . Say you are crap at texting back . Or change your number /block her. Or say the thing about mental health. Perhaps she likes you and wants to be friends and she is a social type whereas you aren't and like to keep both separate.

Sounds to me if she is older and is trying to be your friend, maybe she could be lonely and just relates to you more than anyone else in the office.

Perhaps just mention to her, that you don’t mind texting, but say you’re not a big texter, so will reply when you get a minute, and that you don’t want to take work home with you, so ask her to text about a different subject.

This may be just my opinion but I do think a little sensitivity is due here.

Tell her the truth OP. Tell her it’s nothing personal but that you like to keep your home & work lives separate & that you’re exhausted at night & don’t want to text.
She may be lonely but the kindest thing you can do is to be honest. It’ll make you feel better too.

Just flipping this one on its head, but, is it possible she feels you may be lonely ( if she knows your dp is away a fair bit) She’s twice your age and maybe she’s feeling sort of maternal. The work texts could be as it’s the only subject you have in common ( age gap).

My Manager and I text loads outside work but I think it is okay because we both don’t mind and have similar personalities. This did make me do a double take though and ask myself if I have been texting anyone else because I wouldn’t probably imagine how much it would annoy them, especially if they had been answering. If you suddenly go quiet and stop answering them in her shoes I would think I had offended you and be really worried and probably even be in touch more to make things better. You really need to be honest to stop this happening. Just be pleasant at work but say you have a lot on and can’t chat much at the moment. And also tell her that you want to fully switch off and relax in the evenings so would she mind not texting anymore unless there is an emergency. I am sure most people would respect that, just becoming ‘off’ with someone though is cruel and probably less effective.

I agree with @Attitude84 - I think that this woman simply has misread the situation and sees you as a friend. I am in my 50s now and would reflect here that as I have got older I care less about my friends being the same age as me - I now have friends who are much older than me, and some who are quite a bit younger. It could be that you see her only as a work colleague, but she sees it as friendship. She might also be lonely and reaching out to her work colleagues. I haven't read through all the messages, and not sure how long both you and she have worked there, but perhaps she's new to the area and hopes to create circles via work. Be kind. Blocking her would be cruel, as she's not doing anything to warrant it. Why not make it a rule of thumb that you do not answer non-urgent texts from people in general straight away? I have started doing this a bit, and it relieves a lot of stress. Nobody should be slave to their phones.

I would say that she has become reliant on your messages, which may not be helpful to you. By sometimes replying and sometimes not you are inadvertently intermittently reinforcing her behaviour which is the most powerful kind of reinforcement in psychological terms.

Am reading between the lines that you have provided her with support somewhere along the lines, in or out of work, and she wants to build upon this. The advice to block her or report her to HR are over the top in my opinion, like taking a sledge hammer to crack a nut. Why don’t you talk to her in work time. Not with the approach that ‘the texting has got to stop’ but asking her if she needs any help? If she opens up about anything you could point her to people that might be able to help (counsellor, GP etc) and follow-up by checking in on her... has she made spot yet? Did she speak to her sister? Try to move the nature of the communication... she may then get help or strengthen her own relationships with others. Messaging someone you care about or value who blanks you can be confusing and distressing and I totally appreciate that it is confusing and distressing for you and you haven’t asked for this and don’t want it. You might find out by speaking to her why she is behaving like this and it might be useful all round, as she might realise that you are not going to be ‘the person’ who is going to fix everything for her, but that you are a nice person who wants to know she is ok.

Made spot .... made appt!

Don't reply and when she asks about it at work say you try to have tech free at home in the evenings, other than the TV, so best to just wait until you see each other. If you consistently never reply it will tail off.

Hmm, ignore much of what I just said. I've read some of the other info OP has written in subsequent messages now, and colleague sounds like a bit of a head case. OP has probably been friendly in the past to her and unwittingly encouraged her to think her interference is wanted. It's never too late to get out of a situation. Another post here talked of assertiveness as opposed to aggression. That's the key, and I think it's a practiced art. If she talks about other jobs in front of your manager, kindly and firmly say that you are not interested in other jobs at the present time. Perhaps you can say to a few colleagues at a time something like "By the way, guys - please don't be offended if I don't reply to messages in the evenings - I'm having a bit of 'down time' with my phone and really only speaking to (partner) when they call. Don't take it personally and we can always catch up in work."

To me it sounds like she is a person who needs constant noise and interaction with people, and you're one who likes peace and quiet, and some space. You're alone rather than lonely in the evenings, and she can't fathom that, because being alone = lonely to her.

Ask her straight out 'do you think I'm lonely at home in the evenings?' And see what she says.

Then make it clear that you relish alone time, you love the quiet and lack of interaction with people. It's when you ground yourself, process the day, and recharge. Her texts are actually disturbing your alone time, and unless they're for something urgent you would prefer they stop, as you see each quite a lot at work, far more than you see your own friends in fact.

She’s being rude so don’t worry about being rude. I would simply say “you’re texting me too much, I’m not going to reply so please stop”.

Kind of stunned at the people on here who, upon being told that the OP is feeling stressed and harassed by being bombarded with hundreds of texts from someone she feels uncomfortable with, think that she should just befriend her because ‘she’s lonely’.

If it was a male colleague constantly texting out of hours and interrupting the OP at work, nobody would be saying “Aw, he’s just lonely, it only takes a second to reply to him, why won’t you be his friend?”

Nobody should EVER be friends with someone who doesn’t understand boundaries, intrudes into every minute of your private time and makes you feel stressed and uncomfortable, no matter how lonely they are.

Tell your workmate that your number is for emergencies only. That private matters going on in your home and haven't time to answer. Our work has a WhatsApp group which we discuss any work matters etc. Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind and once you clock out of work you leave work matters behind. Maybe the woman is lonely and feels you've been the only one nice to her? Who knows really what goes on behind closed doors but it needs nipped in the bud before it gets more out of hand.

Hi op, next time she asks is everything ok, you need to say

‘yes I’m just concentrating on my work, I really like this job and want to get on. I’m afraid I find it difficult to talk and work at the same time’

If she still continues to talk constantly then you need to have a meeting with your manager and explain you are finding she talks too much and whilst you have explained this she still continues. Don’t risk your job prospects for someone else who wants to chat.

Re the evenings just tell her you switch it off in the evenings as you need a break from screen time after being at the computer all day. The combination of the two should let her have the message gently but firmly.

Not wanting to be friends with her because of her age sounds judgmental and makes you sound unreasonable.

BUT not wanting to answer texts in the evening; about work or about anything else is understandable. Just tell her you’d rather she not text you as you try to switch off from work when you are at home.

Block her and tell her you are clearing out your phone and retaining only essential and friends and family numbers as you are really trying to avoid unnecessary contact on the phone.

Am not suggesting you should befriend her because she is lonely, or that it is ok for her to impose on your downtime by the way... just suggesting that heavy-handed responses could be extremely hurtful and damaging. This is a work colleague, not a stranger. And she could need help. This may be her dysfunctional way of getting help. Just tread carefully and if in doubt, talk to her. In work, not in formal meeting, but in earshot if others - is she ok? Is she struggling at work? Does she have support?

I have sometimes texted "unsubscribe" to [friends] sending me all sorts of shite. Most of them got the hint.

This is a work colleague, not a stranger. And she could need help. This may be her dysfunctional way of getting help. Just tread carefully and if in doubt, talk to her. In work, not in formal meeting, but in earshot if others - is she ok? Is she struggling at work? Does she have support?

The OP gave her her mobile number, she didn't sign up to be her counsellor. The OP just needs to say either 'Work finishes at 5, Can you ask me about this tomorrow' or block her number.

And she could need help. This may be her dysfunctional way of getting help.

It is not up the OP to act as anyone’s counsellor, therapist, life coach or social worker.

If the colleague needs help at work then her manager needs to deal with that. If she needs help outside work, it’s the kind of help nobody in the office is actually going to be able to offer.