Work colleague texting every night

[summ]

My work colleague who I spend 40 hours in an office with comes home and wants to text me all night and talk about work and other irrelevant stuff. I'm really getting irritated by it now I really didn't want her to have my number in the first place but she asked multiple times I felt awkward saying no. She is almost double my age. It's very odd and people who I've mentioned it to say it's creepy. She isn't like this with anyone else at work there's many other people she could try and befriend if she really wants, she's been here a few years now. I've done nothing to encourage this I like to keep work and private life totally separate and don't like texting at the best of times. Many times I've ignored messages but it makes me feel rude and makes no difference anyway because I still get them every night. Even weekends sometimes. AIBU to be really pissed off about it and WWYD?

Being kind is not ‘signing up to being a counsellor’. I meant if a stranger was bombarding with unsolicited texts i’d have no compunction about blocking them but a work colleague who has my number? Over-messaging me? I think i’d talk to her.... how many people share those ‘my door is always open’ memes on social media? You can always play out different scenarios.... imagine how you’d feel knowing you were really important to her even though it was one-sided? You don’t have to look out for her in any way, but if it’s going to continue and possibly get uncomfortable as you try to tackle it different ways, why not just ask her. Listen instead of feeling the need to say how it is, tell her what’s what etc. Just listen?

It’s the kind of help nobody in the office could give? Speaking as a psychologist it’s the kind of help anyone can give. It’s called kindness. It doesn’t mean you are ‘taking on’ a role that you didn’t ask for and are unqualified for. It’s just being kind.

What a horrid situation to be in. If I was you I would ignore a whole night's messages and in the morning I would reply to her saying, "Sorry, turn phone off after work now, talk at work".
When you get to work, she'll ask why, tell her it's a new house rule, so you all get to enjoy family time together without constant distractions from Facebook, WhatsApp,Twitter, messages etc

If she asks emergency emergency, tell her then family will call house phone (which is family only).

Going forward, continue ignoring messages (mute them) but dont reply in morning, just tell her at work that "yeah, my phones off in the evenings, i did tell you".. she'll stop messaging at some point.

As for the talking in front of managers about job searches, tell you are happy here & she should go for it.

When she needs help, tell her to ask her manager as your busy and wasnt paying attention to what he asked of her .... maybe she'll then pay attention and stop asking you to explain everything.

I think you can do this without being rude, just appear busy whenever she starts bothering you, she needs to learn to stop being so needy.
It's not your job to be her carer, you just work along side her.

MrsMiss

if you're a psychologist, surely you've heard 1000s of stories from people who regret their kindness and found it put them in a really tough spot.

MrsMiss

also the OP said the work colleague really pushed to get their number. Yes OP should have said no, but colleague should not have pushed.

A ‘tough spot’ is nothing to what it would feel like if the woman did something terrible on the back of being told that she was being blocked, was harrassing or whatever. Clear communication. Ask her. Talk to her. Don’t exacerbate the situation by providing intermittent reinforcement (sometimes replying, sometimes not). OP is in no way at fault, OP has done nothing wrong and has not asked to be in this difficult stressful situation. But OP asked for ideas about how to go forwards so, with kindness would be my main advice, as the lady does not sound like she’s in the best place and although OP has no duty of care, as a work colleague who gave her personal number and has engaged in communication, it probably requires careful handling.

MrsMiss

"A ‘tough spot’ is nothing to what it would feel like if the woman did something terrible on the back of being told that she was being blocked, was harrassing or whatever. "

wow. this sounds like emotional blackmail. If OP feels she is being harassed, that's understandable. If OP wants to block, that's her right. If the woman did something "terrible" as a result, that is not the responsibility of the OP.

in the grand scheme of things, being kind costs nothing, only a second of your time to reply to a txt

You have clearly never been bothered by a persistent texter. I have known people who will happily take up your entire evening with a text conversation and can happily text for hours. I despise it, and I don't consider it unkind to refuse to give up your whole evening to have an unwelcome conversation with someone who is blatantly intruding.

This isn't 1 text taking up 1 second!
OP has been too kind and is now stuck in an awkward situation and has to do something otherwise it will go on and on.

This thread isn't dissimilar to other ones where an OP has been giving lifts to work but now after a year they don't want to anymore but feel guilt tripped into carrying on because kindness costs nothing etc.

Tell her you've got no signal at home and your Wi-Fi is down
Or tell her that you are off grid and doing a digital detox

only a second of your time to reply to a txt

I think the OP has clearly indicated that she is being texted repeatedly, not once in while, often with texts about work - something she should absolutely not have to think about or be engaged in her private time.

If you want to spend all evening, every evening of your life replying to texts from someone whose only connection with you is being employed at the same office, that's fine - but I think most people would rather just enjoy their private family time without getting texted by a colleague wanting a conversation with them every single evening.

The OP spends FORTY HOURS A WEEK with this woman already. Most people don't get the chance to spend anything like that with their actual friends, let alone a non-friend who wants to take up the rest of their waking hours with text conversations.

The age thing isn't really the issue, I've often worked with older people and got on with them well and could have a laugh etc. But this is different, she's very … child like? and immature. Seems to want praise all of the time for doing the most mundane simple task, where as myself and other colleague just get on with it and it's just some of the things she comes out with. And often wants reassurance when she knows what she's doing. She makes a great deal of mistakes and I often have to pick up the pieces, but always has an excuse. I've been very busy this morning as she could tell, starts rambling then says 'oh sorry I'm interrupting you' but then continues a few seconds later! I just ignored her when she done this the first time as was clear as glass to her I was very busy, second time I said 'Can you please just give me a moment I really need to get this finished'. Manager isn't firm enough to deal with the mistakes etc like they should. It's even worse when other people leave the office and there's just us 2 for a long period of time, to her this is the perfect opportunity to talk talk talk and make comments about other members of staff who she doesn't particularly get on with. She get's very little work done understandably. It's going to be like this for the next few weeks after this week. Missed a lot of information out at first as didn't want to be outed. She's just a difficult person to deal with/work with this and it's not just me who thinks this. Will be using the advice posted though.

I love technology but can't afford it, so have a really shit old smart phone. DD can go out and text me as much as she likes BUT

It takes up to 30 seconds for my phone to switch properly so that I can see that a text has come in, and then see who it's from.
It takes up to 15 seconds to open the messaging or texting app to read the full message
It takes me some time to formulate and answer and often quite a long time to type out the reply
It can take up to 15 seconds for the reply to be sent, and often I get a little symbol with an exclamation mark indicating that it's not sent, in which case I have to go outside or to another room and try to send it again.

It's not a second of one's time to carry on a text conversation. We don't know OP's tech; she says she's really one for texting, nor am I. I even get a little exasperated with convos with DD! "Just make it stop! aargh!" runs through my head sometimes though I am actually delighted to chat with her.

If she were a colleague I was not great friends with i would be seriously pissed off. It's the constant interruptions to real life that puts the icing on the shit sandwich and makes it special.

The more enmeshed with her you become the more she will look to you to cover for her and prop her up, I would be very very careful because soon you will find yourself blamed for mistakes that she makes or feeling responsible for her.
she sounds like someone who needs help and support but not from you because she is trying to manipulate you, back away slowly no sudden moves, she will find someone else to cling to

Don't reply at all. She'll ask next day and you say "I was doing real life stuff, like people do when they're not at work...." and leave it. Next day and every time thereafter just say "real life...".

I have someone at work like this but it's usually because she's gossiping/complaining/stirring the pot.

She obviously likes you and feels you're approachable and is trying to befriend you.

I don't think she's obsessed with work, it's more likely that's the only thing you have in common so she's using that as conversation.

If it's too much just take her to one side and say: you're a lovely person so I don't want you to be offended but would you mind keeping the work related conversation at work.
I generally turn my phone on silent when I'm at home as I like to wind down and I would hate to offend you by not answering your texts.

Then stop answering her.

Completely 100% refuse to bitch about colleagues with her.

When I reluctantly gave her my number she said 'promise I won't stalk you' in a joking way

She KNOWS what she's like OP.
I bet she's lost friendships previously due to this kind of behaviour and people have said why.

It sounds to me like she has some mental health issues going on.
The people like this i came in contact with certainly did.
You have to approach this type of person with "an iron fist in a velvet glove" attitude and be very certain of the boundaries YOU want.

Firstly - don't suffer alone. Inform your manager/HR so they are aware - cos you'll need this as evidence later if things fuck up.

You want: Absolutely zero contact outside of work. So you TELL her exactly that. If she persists then you block her number and you also tell your manager/HR (they have a duty of care towards her)
Personal contact at work: Don't carry her. If she interrupts you and you don't want to answer, point her towards your manager. If she asks you inane questions like "are u ok?" etc, just look her dead in the eye, smile and sweetly - but firmly - tell her you are fine and ARE getting on with your work.

The women i met like this were very insecure and needy and knew exactly how to manipulate people, situations AND come out smelling of roses whilst I got the flack for xyz.
They only persist with people who have poor boundaries or assertive skills.
They have very thick skin, hence why they keep pestering you til they get what they want - cos they know you can't/won't say no.
They know how to put on a very convincing act of being the victim when you do start to assert boundaries.

Stop pussyfooting around her.
Her her told and keep your manager informed to protect your own back.

One message: please don't text me any more outside work, I like to keep my evenings work-free. See you tomorrow.

@RosaWaiting emotional blackmail? Am just giving my view, that it’s a tricky situation, needs carefully handling and it’s all to easy to say do this, do that, block her, say you’ve got no signal, say no texts outside of work. Just because the person is behaving in a way that is uncomfortable for the OP, how many people work with people who make demands on their time outside of work... it’s not great, but in the scheme of things, does it warrant such a heavy-handed approach? I’d listen to her. It’s not unusual in any type of relationship for things to be unequal, and these days people use texts and WhatsApp to differing degrees. Perhaps she’s lost someone (sister? Friend?) who she used to text all the time. I know this is not OPs problem but if she asked her about it she might feel better about the situation and have a clearer understanding of what to do.

In the perfect world yes this would be treated with kindness and sensitivity. The problem is when someone bombards you with texts you start to feel resentful. I have just managed to get myself out of a very intense friendship. Someone who I thought was just a quirky strong willed but fun person to be around became so hard to manage. WhatsApp messages every night, pages and pages filled with her daily activities, thoughts, fears, what she made for dinner, the weather, what she watched on TV, a running commentary on her life. All with perfect punctuation and grammar. She even used the phrase "I digress" and then "I will continue later", every night, for hours. Then came the endless questions - all to try and engage me in a constant back and forth stream of mindless boring chit chat all night. I used to dread opening the message, then tried to ignore, then finally had to be blunt and tell her I couldn't deal with that level of intrusion.

What I'm trying to say is that for a long time I went along with it to be polite and sensitive as the OP is currently doing. But after a while it chips away at you and you have to put yourself first. Needy people need professional help, you've done enough OP.

A psychologist should be fully aware of boundaries, and how damaging someone who's this intense could be to someone. You talk about being kind MrsMiss but do you really think this person is being kind to the OP? I certainly don't.
There's nothing unkind about setting a boundary and sticking to it. It's actually an extremely kind action, as it ensures fatigue and frustration don't set in.

I agree with MrsMiss

They only persist with people who have poor boundaries or assertive skills
I think you're right Saving from the description there is something dysfunctional but also predatory about this woman, she has marked the OP out as her victim and she moving in to bind you to her

Does she also text your other colleague? Has she had previous victims?