Work colleague texting every night

[summ]

My work colleague who I spend 40 hours in an office with comes home and wants to text me all night and talk about work and other irrelevant stuff. I'm really getting irritated by it now I really didn't want her to have my number in the first place but she asked multiple times I felt awkward saying no. She is almost double my age. It's very odd and people who I've mentioned it to say it's creepy. She isn't like this with anyone else at work there's many other people she could try and befriend if she really wants, she's been here a few years now. I've done nothing to encourage this I like to keep work and private life totally separate and don't like texting at the best of times. Many times I've ignored messages but it makes me feel rude and makes no difference anyway because I still get them every night. Even weekends sometimes. AIBU to be really pissed off about it and WWYD?

@bookworm Please can you link that thread? Thanks

What @Jeezoh said.

This happened because you were too scared of telling someone the truth. The end result is worse for everyone.

When she badgered you for the phone number that's when you should have asked why and then politely made it clear that you don't socialise outside of work. This is quite a normal thing to have to do at work.

You've mostly given her the message you are happy: first by not firmly shutting down her number requests, then actually giving her the number, then by mostly responding to her and of course by never actually saying you don't want to be outside of work friends.

Your attempt to be nice is making it worse and worse for her when she finally realises you didn't actually want to be friends and she completely misjudged the situation. Cringe.

Given you've led her on, I'd let her down gently. Tell her straight out you've decided you spend too much time on your phone in the evenings so you will be keeping it switched off after work, no offence but there won't be any after work texting.

Just dont ever reply.

If she asks you at work why you didn't reply say you were busy/having down time etc.

Rinse and repeat until she gets it. May take a while but dont give in. Variable reinforcement is the hardest to extinguish.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3679623-to-find-this-friend-so-difficult

I'd block anyone who did that regardless of who they are. I cannot deal with that kindoif stress in my life.

Just text something like
"Me and dh have started a new rule, a sort of new years resolution only in September, no more work calls/texts/moaning about work at home in the evenings or on weekends, it's a work/stress free zone. It's actually pretty liberating, you should try it. But even if you don't do it yourself you need to text other people from now on, the new me is work free when out of the office , see you tomorrow"

Notes on a Scandal (minus the Scandal) much 👀

Firstly, the age of her means nothing. I have friends of all ages.
But. I also have a very very needy friend, who will message all the time if I let her. What I do is just make sure I leave it a little while between each message.. so if she sends me something I'll perhaps wait an hour (or more if I'm actually doing something) and then reply to her.
She does double message (and the rest!), but tbh I've muted her on Messenger so it's no skin off my nose.
I don't mind chatting if there's a reason, but I can't be bothered with people who just HAVE TO chat all day, with no actual agenda. I'm not that kind of person.

don't lie or make up excuses. Just tell her you don't want to text. Then ignore future texts. Stop dressing it up as anything else. No is a complete sentence.

Sorry, Brenda, but I’m really not much of a texter. Lets chat about this at work tomorrow. Have a good night.

Just dont reply. You might feel rude but its also rude to bombard people with messages! I recently ghosted somebody who was doing this as it made my anxiety go through the roof! If she mentions it just say that once your home you dont bother with your phone and it goes on silent.

What on earth is she texting about? She has plenty of time to chat during the day if you work together, surely?

Text "taking a break from technology in the evenings for a while. Catch up tomorrow!". Do it once, and then you can ignore without feeling rude

If she's not a burden at work I would do this. Can you set up your phone so it doesn't even notify you when a message comes through unless you go looking for it. I have WhatsApp groups I do this for.

If she is actually being creepy in other ways then you probably need to be more assertive but if not then just telling her you are going to ignore and then ignoring is fine and saves her feelings.

I could have written this but my work colleague is far more intense!

We left work at 4 and by the time I'd gone to bed at 9 ish she had sent me over 100 messages!

She is married and has an almost one year old I don't know where she finds the time. She messages me constantly but we actually get on really well. We meet up outside work as our dc are close in age and do things in common.

But the texting is intense. At work she instant messages me all the time and as soon as she leaves till the minute I go to sleep.

Sometimes I reply sometimes I don't, depends what I'm doing at the time.

You can’t block her. She’s your colleague and it will make it difficult for you. Try telling her that you’re “tired by home time and no offence but i dont want to talk about work as i need a break from that, can we catch up with the work talk tomorrow please”. If she still keeps phoning or texting you just take your time getting back and don’t rush. Hopefully she will take the hint. If not you will need to tell her you’re switching off your phone of an evening as you are tired these days.

“We left work at 4 and by the time I'd gone to bed at 9 ish she had sent me over 100 messages”

That sounds like harassment

I scrolled through and can’t see anything to imply she’s “vulnerable” but even then, you should tell her - politely - to stop texting.

This is why I'm antisocial at work - I'd die if someone wrote this about me!!!

Thanks all for your helpful replies! She does want to chat to me all day at work aswell I often worry I'm going to make a mistake because for example if she can see I'm typing an important email she will still blabber I'm rather than wait until I'm done. I feel like I carry her a lot, she relies on me to explain and go through everything if manager has asked her to do something, rather than asking manager to explain properly. Another thing that really annoyed me is her mentioning jobs that were available and telling me I should apply etc in front of other members of staff and when she didn't realise manager was there! As if I'd told her I was looking. I'm trying to build my career in my current role and don't want other people thinking I'm looking elsewhere. (She is not happy in current role and feel like she doesn't want me to be either)

OP, you must say “I need to finish this, can I talk to you after”

And with the manager thing, when she asks you to show her, refer her back to the person who is meant to be showing her.

If you do t mind me asking, are you quite new to the workplace? You must set boundaries.

Help her find a new job. Quickly.

@yousoundllikeyourefromlondon that definitely sounds like harassment! As you say where does she find the time with a young one! I hate texting at the best of times. You mentioned your colleague instant messages you at work, mine is similar she sometimes sends an email when I'm right next to her if there's other people in office and texts me on her dinner break sometimes (we take it at different times) it just baffles me I wouldn't dream of acting like this with anyone.

@TowelNumber42 I have been, selfishly for my own benefit but I just feel like it would be a weight lifted.

I've been at my current job for about 9 months now.

I had a friend like this about 18 years ago. She was a nightmare. I worked wed, thur, fri. She worked sun, mon, tue with the same company same building. She used to phone me all the time, if she couldn’t get me she would phone my dad?? If that didn’t work she would show up on my shift to see me. She would have had to get two buses to get there. Went on holiday with her, she was a bloody looney! Hardly spoke after that.

I would just NOT reply. Or reply ''not thinking about work right now!'' and then ignore every other message.

You're over thinking it.

I am friendly with a woman 20 years younger than I am at work. I never text her though. Or suggest going out. I do find it easy to chat to her though. I hope she doesn't think I'm weird for liking her.