Who is BU

[Fizzypoo]

AIBU yes is he BU no

Ds (12) washes up every night.

Last night he didn't wash the slow cooker pot and a couple of cups/ice-cream bowls that were left in the living room (pudding on the sofa later on in the evening rather than straight after dinner).

This morning I text him and said in a jokey way that I was saving the bits he missed for later. I.e natural consequences.

Ds came home from school after film club with his mate. He came in and asked if he could do the bits he missed with the rest of the dinner stuff later as he brought his friend home. I said yes. In my mind there's not a lot of difference and he will still have the same amount to do taking the same amount of time.

Dp (been together a few years, he's only been living with us for four months) has come home from work on his turn to cook dinner and is not happy. Dp is annoyed that DS is playing playstation in his room with his mate and hasn't washed up yet. I said I didn't really think it mattered as he will still have the same amount to do. Dp is now annoyed that ds hasn't been punished (his words) and felt that him washing up twice was the punishment and is unhappy that I haven't enforced it.

I don't believe this is the big crime of the century which needs a punishment. Natural consequences and a don't take the piss and do it again is fine imo. Dp is now reacting like this as it's a personal problem and telling ds he is not impressed as it's not the way he would have done it and is taking away a pound out of his pocket money.

I don't want to live in a putative overly harsh and critical home. I enforce boundaries and am pretty strict. If I say no DC listen. They don't need me to be overly harsh to get them to behave.

I’m interested in you prior post where you said you were staying calm otherwise he wouldn’t stop going on.

Is that a character trait? Because it’s exhausting if it is.

I think that his admission is helpful, especially as it’s unequivocal and I think that either course of action at this stage is reasonable.

I know what you mean though about feeling like a line has been crossed.

I’m a firm believer in not being able to take some words back which is why I’m very careful about what I say I’m anger. I’d find the throwing decorating etc back in my face really petty and I’d feel very cautious and worry he was a petty men - a really awful quality.

Surely we've ALL done the dishes, emptied the basin and realised - balls - missed a few!

I regularly did this when I had a slow cooker as the washable part was too big to set on the counter where I put dirty dishes to be washed so it was literally "out of sight out of mind" regularly kicked myself - then soaked it and just did it next time I did dishes!

And I have DX ocd and am quite organised!

Your man is taking the piss! 4 months he has NO RIGHT to undermine you OR punish ds who the fuck does he think he is?!

"Give that bloody pound back and tell your "D" P that he is not to decide to impost punishments again." Nope! TELL HIM to give the pound back and not to fucking attempt to undermine you/pick on ds again! Arse!

"Dp is now ranting about how I create and change the rules when I want to and it's not fair because he redecorated our house a year ago." Wow! I repeat! Who the FUCK does he think he is?!

He is ACTUALLY behaving like a tantrumming toddler! Tell him to go for a walk/drive/stay in bedroom until he calms down and then he NEEDS to apologise to you and ds - don't tell him to he SHOULD do it off his own bat and if he doesn't I think you need to discuss whether he stays

Then saw last update...

Did he apologise off his own bat?

ONE more chance is fine WITH discussion but I wouldn't give him more than that!

Had he apologised to the children?

That would be key for me. A lot of adults think it’s beneath them to apologise to children, but if he means it then it’s important for them to see people owning their actions.

I’d be very very wary though. Disagreeing with you is one thing, trying to overrule you then having such a rant at you all - one which you felt you had to stay quiet through so as not to antagonise - is very worrying behaviour

Put your child first and dump him.

Agree with PP has he apologised to your DS and taken back what he said?

Put your child first and dump him.

This

Your son sounds like he's a good kid and your partner sounds like a massive prick. It's not up to him to discipline your DC anyway. I'd dump the twat.

If you're now feeling as though you don't want him in your home that's pretty serious imo.

You use the word 'invaded'. That's emotive language for someone you live with.

Think hard before allowing him to stay in yours and your son's life.

Has he apologised to your son?
I think it’s really important that the right boundaries are set now and that your OH understands that these things are not negotiable.
It may be that four months in, he thought he’d flex his muscle and try and mark his new territory, as it were. It was very ill-judged, all the more so when he carried on the argument rather than immediately recognising he’d got it wrong and taking steps to put it right.
Only you can know if you are happy for the relationship to continue, but I would think very carefully. Give it some time, for sure, but if the next couple of weeks go well, don’t be seduced into thinking everything is ok, as he will no doubt be on his best behaviour.

OP, however upsetting, I think you know it's over.
Whatever apology he has given is to save himself. He knows he crossed the line but the thing is he's not the man you thought he is.

He's a bullying sargent major who you have to "manage" because of his temper and grumpiness.

I think you will find yourself looking at him differently now that his mask has well and truly slipped.

I doubt your children like him and I bet if you get him out they will be relieved.

Best of luck to you.

He has apologised to them, off of his own back and before he apologised to me.

Part of my job role is restorative justice with young people. I took my job home and used those tactics tonight. We continued talking after I last posted and I feel I really got through to him the impact of what he done. He doesn't want to be a Sargent major, he's going to back completely off and if he has any issue in future he's going to chat to me when the DC aren't around.

He's actually quite a nice man, he just doesn't have a lot of emotional literacy and sees things very black and white whereas I'm more grey. He hasn't got DC and lived in a house share with his mates for years before moving in with me. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and put this down to adjustment behaviour and see how things go. However, I will have no problem in leaving him if he acts like this again.

P.s my DC do like him, they don't push him away and include him.

Thank you for the support.

I don’t think your DP likes your son very much.

Just read the update, I hope you keep an eye on this. You sound very reasonable and keen to do the right thing, just never forget that your son is a child and needs you on his side.

You sound like you are a very balanced, reasonable person and are obviously a great mum, FWIW I think you have done totally the right thing at every step of this, including giving him a chance to act differently.

I think you sound very reasonable OP. Please ignore comments like *15thOctober2019

'*put your child first and dump him'
They are a needless and unkind comment as you appear to have done NOTHING BUT put your child first - from the very first post.

Bear in mind there is a large proportion of the MN posse that seems to believe a single mother must NEVER even dream of another relationship until the children are at least 34 ... (and only then with permission from then) and that if you were to commit such a grievous act , then he MUST behave perfectly in every way.
No leeway is ever allowed for the fact that he may never have lived with children. May never have been a parent and MAY make mistakes.

The fact that your DP acknowledges that he handled this badly and has the emotional maturity to admit this and apologise shows a really positive wish to make your relationship with him AND the children a positive one.

You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your children op.
obviously after your last update that your partner apologised to your children and you, I think that you are doing the right thing (possibly) to give this man a second chance, despite all the red flags you've revealed to us about his behaviour.

My big concern is that you want to rescue him. You seem to be very sorted in terms of your own life and your family's, so maybe you feel (and because of your job) that it's within your power to help 'fix' your partner and make him better?
That's fine, maybe it is possible.
But it would be terrible if the price of you trying to fix him came at the expense of damaging your relationship with your children, especially as they enter their teenage years when them need the security of their family home more than ever.
They will be looking to you for leadership, if you are spending your time placating your partner and accommodating his temper and bad moods, then your children will be the ones to suffer.

I personally would keep the idea that he would be moving out immediately next time it's clear that he disrespects your parenting.
It's not your job to look after him, it's your job to look after you children.

If you are able to, let him know that you are having trouble getting over his outburst and what it might mean for the future. That you are no longer as confident that you are as compatible together in the longterm.