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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU

193 replies

Fizzypoo · 10/09/2019 18:52

AIBU yes is he BU no

Ds (12) washes up every night.

Last night he didn't wash the slow cooker pot and a couple of cups/ice-cream bowls that were left in the living room (pudding on the sofa later on in the evening rather than straight after dinner).

This morning I text him and said in a jokey way that I was saving the bits he missed for later. I.e natural consequences.

Ds came home from school after film club with his mate. He came in and asked if he could do the bits he missed with the rest of the dinner stuff later as he brought his friend home. I said yes. In my mind there's not a lot of difference and he will still have the same amount to do taking the same amount of time.

Dp (been together a few years, he's only been living with us for four months) has come home from work on his turn to cook dinner and is not happy. Dp is annoyed that DS is playing playstation in his room with his mate and hasn't washed up yet. I said I didn't really think it mattered as he will still have the same amount to do. Dp is now annoyed that ds hasn't been punished (his words) and felt that him washing up twice was the punishment and is unhappy that I haven't enforced it.

I don't believe this is the big crime of the century which needs a punishment. Natural consequences and a don't take the piss and do it again is fine imo. Dp is now reacting like this as it's a personal problem and telling ds he is not impressed as it's not the way he would have done it and is taking away a pound out of his pocket money.

I don't want to live in a putative overly harsh and critical home. I enforce boundaries and am pretty strict. If I say no DC listen. They don't need me to be overly harsh to get them to behave.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 11/09/2019 03:13

Fucking hell.

So your live-in of four whole months is dictating to your son who quite frankly is already doing more than most 12 year old kids.

And you're asking is this ok????

You need to seriously prioritise your kids over some boyfriend.

20viona · 11/09/2019 03:16

12 doing the dishes every night is so harsh. Partners a knob.

AhNowTed · 11/09/2019 03:20

Back up your kids for gods sake.

They didn't ask for this boyfriend to move in.

And he has NO right or say to dictate what they do.

cantfindname · 11/09/2019 03:47

Firstly making him do the dishes every night is mean. Secondly why couldn’t you have just washed up the pot rather than waiting this evening? Thirdly why is your new boyfriend allowed to talk to you ds like that? Have anything to do with ds discipline? And take pocket money off him?

This, totally and completely.

My ex tried to discipline my children in a similar manner. Which is why he became an ex.

LoreleiRock · 11/09/2019 04:14

Your DP has absolutely no right to do this, not ever, but especially not after 4 months. Get your DP to buy a fucking dishwasher as his “punishment”, the twat.

AgentProvocateur · 11/09/2019 04:21

He’s only been living with you four months and he’s started throwing his weight around? Didn’t take long for his true colours to show.

Notajogger · 11/09/2019 04:24

My heart always sinks when I read about these blokes who have been moved in to a child's home and start on them. Why does your boyfriend think he can punish your son? He's been living with him 5 minutes and sounds like a total prick.

This. Him throwing his weight around now is not a good start and things will only get worse if this is allowed to continue, particularly when your kids get to be hormonal and stroppy teens! Your son sounds very reasonable.

Derbee · 11/09/2019 04:44

This relationship will not work. It is unacceptable for your DS to have to endorse being bullied in his home, where he should feel safe. Your P shouting and raving about whatever his issues are in unacceptable.

Tell him that he needs to move out. Your children must be your priority, and this man is a bully.

AhNowTed · 11/09/2019 04:51

I fucking despair sometimes I really do.

Your kids come before some 4-month old live-in.

Or any live-in for that matter.

He has no say whatsoever.

Mermaidoutofwater · 11/09/2019 05:14

Congratulations on being a smart and aware woman who has immediately identified that this behaviour is not on.
Your P has shown his true feelings towards your DS. It is highly unlikely he will be able to shift his attitudes and beliefs in any substantial or meaningful way in time for you all to live together harmoniously.

Aria999 · 11/09/2019 05:22

Your parenting sounds just fine. DS made a reasonable request, you said ok.

DP is out of line. Sounds like you know that.

Bit worrying he seems to think it should in some way not be up to you how to parent your own child in your own house. If he's going to get involved he needs to do it properly ie accept and support your decisions in front of the kids and discuss any possible changes he would like in private in a calm and rational way.

CupoTeap · 11/09/2019 06:25

Wow so now everything he's done is being thrown you your face? Over a few missed pets, not even that he didn't do it, just hadn't searched the house first.

So glad you can see this isn't on. Hope your ds knows. Be prepared for other stuff to come out after he's gone.

Bloomburger · 11/09/2019 06:34

It's a couple of bowlsFFS is it worth all this bad feeling?

SlipperyLizard · 11/09/2019 06:36

I’ve got a stepdad and the best thing he ever did (and he’s a great stepdad) was not try to parent/discipline us - he knew it was too late to adopt that role, and we wouldn’t have taken kindly to it. We were a couple of years older than yours, but your DP needs to go if he thinks he can start taking away pocket money (undermining your decision in the process) 4 months after moving in.

Sorry you’ve wasted time on this knobhead, but don’t blame yourself - just put it right for your DCs.

awesmum · 11/09/2019 07:06

OP this sounds exactly like the words my ex would say to me. After those I then started to go 'against his morals and values', as well as the kids he started to grind me down.
Well done on realising it so early. Thanks

weaningwoes · 11/09/2019 07:28

@lavenderbluedilly "the man of the house"? Hmm

If antiquated attitudes like this would just die the death so long overdue them, maybe men like the OP's (hopefully Ex) DP wouldn't feel entitled to be such monumental pricks.

combatbarbie · 11/09/2019 07:36

Show him this thread..... And tell him to take note.... End of argument, he either accepts your agreement with your child or he moves out.

Bluntness100 · 11/09/2019 07:45

My heart always sinks when I read about these blokes who have been moved in to a child's home and start on them

Totally agree, and noes the time to end it, before you're son is older, damaged, no contact with you. Because that is what will happen.

Your partners behaviour is that of a nasty bully. It won't change. It will just get worse. This is who he is.

It's awful when you read it cold and know. I only hope you listen op. For your sake as well as the kids.

Ellisandra · 11/09/2019 10:16

@lavenderbluedilly your young son is “the man of the house”??? WTAF?!!!

So you mean that, if your husband died, he’d be the 12yo breadwinner supporting you, right? The one setting the house rules?

lavenderbluedilly · 11/09/2019 11:15

*@lavenderbluedilly your young son is “the man of the house”??? WTAF?!!!

So you mean that, if your husband died, he’d be the 12yo breadwinner supporting you, right? The one setting the house rules?*

Ok what about you calling down first.....

Actually you are partially correct. When my first DH (and DS’s father) died, our son became the only male in the house Sad. Man of the house doesn’t have to mean breadwinner, unless you are still in the 1950’s.

Actually that’s me out now, you’ve really upset me.

rabbitheadlights · 11/09/2019 12:12

@aweedropofsancerre it's a daily battle between the two of us ... He has no say in my parenting choices but likes to voice his opinions on mine. In every other respect he's great just has a warped sense of suitable "punishment" for minor misdemeanours

letsjog · 11/09/2019 12:38

Your "D" P is clearly showing his true colours.
Also undermining YOU. You told DS it's ok if he washed up later. He came in and kicked off about it and doled out his own punishment overriding your say.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You can set whatever rules you find suitable and make adjustments to them as and when it's appropriate according to you. These are your children and your rules.
He's throwing a strop about it now. Just wait until another year has passed and your DS has been completely run down by this waster.

Be wary op.

geekone · 11/09/2019 12:54

Sorry OP that’s really shitty for all of you, taking someone in and trusting them isn’t easy.

Good for you seeing that this is a problem and I hope you can easily get out of it. As others have said this is only after 4 months it will only get worse. Sad

Crunchymum · 11/09/2019 12:55

I am staying calm as if I argue back it will go on and on and on

I thought I had found a lovely partner

You made both of these comments on a post on page 3 OP (In this order as well)

It sounds as though you know the drill [hence not "arguing back so it doesn't go on and on"] so is he really such a lovely partner?

Where was he living before? You mention him giving up his stuff but not what his living situation was.

He needs to go, he'll be the ruin of your relationship with your kids if you let him stay!

messolini9 · 11/09/2019 13:06

Firstly making him do the dishes every night is mean.

Ha ha ha ha ha haha!

And cooking a meal for him every night must be "mean" as well then.

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